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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to attend my daughter's grandfather's funeral?

99 replies

Rainbowsandpotsofgold · 11/09/2019 08:51

Hi. I'm a first time poster long time lurker please be kind.....
I had my daughter at 16, didn't have a very good relationship with her dad and we split up quite quickly after.
17 years later , I'm in another relationship and very happy. My daughter's grandfather passed away after a quick illness a few days ago and I would like to go to the funeral out of respect for him and as support for my daughter.
My partner thinks it's completely out of order for me to go as my ex will be there (haven't spoken to him in maybe 10 years, always dealt with his parents) and my daughter has other family there to support her. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

PonderingPanda · 11/09/2019 11:21

If l had an ongoing relationship with him and it wouldn't cause offense to the direct family i.e the wife, yr ex....then l would go.

If it would cause offense to the above or l hadn't had contact then l wouldn't.

I also think you need to sort out your current relationship as he doesn't have your best interests first.... he's putting his selfishness first

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 11/09/2019 11:23

Because funerals are for the living relatives, and it sounds like your presence may not be welcomed by his family as they grieve. Like I said, unless you 100% feel your daughter cannot manage without you specifically, it's not really appropriate.

By all means go to his graveside privately afterwards, but it reads as though your presence at the actual event will cause a ruckus.

(Sorry if I sound harsh, but I was at a funeral of a relative when someone did something similar, and it greatly distressed the closest relatives as it made it all about the drama of the interloper, than remembering their loved one.)

PinkCrayon · 11/09/2019 11:24

If you havent spoken to the ex in 10years and didnt get on I dont think you should go.
If you really want to ask your ex its him that is going to be having a really hard time in this situation not you.
Its a massive deal loosing your Dad I cant imagine anything worse than my ex turning up at my Dads funeral.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 11/09/2019 11:24

8I asked him to come as i knew his insecurities would be an issue if I didn't. I don't/ didn't expect him to come but I don't hide anythin from him and ask him to come to most occasions (wrong way to describe a funeral I know ) unless it's girls only*

And yes, that is weird.

MsSquiz · 11/09/2019 11:33

At my gran's funeral (mum's mum) when I as 23, my DM attended with my stepfather, my dad attended (they divorced when I was 2 and he had barely been in my life, but thought highly of my gran) and my DM's fiancé before my dad attended (his parents had been close friends with my grandparents)

Everyone was polite and civil, it's a funeral. It's about showing respect for the deceased, and (in your case) being there as a support to your daughter

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/09/2019 11:34

@WhatsMyPassword
And this is your partners business how?
Christ. Get rid of him and get a bloke who doesnt have so many hang ups.
Yes her partner shouldn't have any opinion at all.
Have you ever thought he may have a better insight of the dynamics and the ppl who need to be really though of are the immediate family of the deceased.
Christ I hate these man hating hypocritical comments, it really shows a really hatred to everyone concerned

WilburIsSomePig · 11/09/2019 11:39

why wouldn't I want to and be entitled to pay my respects to him for this?

You're making this about you, not supporting your daughter.

You can pay your respects to him at his graveside at a later date. To be honest, it sounds like you're after a bit of drama (Oh look who's here etc)., and it's completely inappropriate.

beingsunny · 11/09/2019 11:39

If it feels appropriate then it is

Senseofself1 · 11/09/2019 11:40

Prioritise your daughter. Your ex should respect the fact that you are his daughter's mother and if he doesn't too bad.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 11/09/2019 11:42

Yes definitely go. I think the family will appreciate it if you didn’t split on bad terms. And it was a long time ago.

WhenPushComesToShove · 11/09/2019 11:49

Don't have any shit from DP. If you follow his agenda rather than your own, you will always regret it. I had a boyfriend (many years ago) who made a really unpleasant (jealousy induced) scene because of me talking to my cousins at my Dad's funeral. Instantly binned!

PicaK · 11/09/2019 11:50

There are circles of grief. The number one person here is your exMIL. I would be entirely guided by whether she wants you there or not. After that it's your ex and then your daughter. If 2 out of the 3 want you there and its a comfort to them I'd go.

NeatFreakMama · 11/09/2019 11:52

The main concern should be wether you'll upset your daughter's father by going because it's his dad that he's lost and that's traumatic enough. If it will unsettle him then I would leave it and let her be with her dad anyway because she'll be a comfort to him presumably.

Your DP is just being weird.

violetswordfish · 11/09/2019 12:01

I think you should go if you want to but also ask your daughter how she feels and be responsive to her needs. I'm sure you will be but people sometimes act really weird around death and grief.

My mum really pissed me off at my paternal grandfather's funeral because she made it all about her - how she was so sad he died, well she knew him longer than me didn't she, look how strong she's being around my dad and his family... I ended up leaving early to take her home.

caringcarer · 11/09/2019 12:03

What does your dd want? If she you there she could she should discuss with her gran to check she is OK with it. If gran says no don't go even if your dd wants you to.

Ancestrydotcom · 11/09/2019 12:08

Rainbowsandpotsofgold I think your ex wil be there to support your dd so, no, I wouldn't go. It would be good for her to go with that side of the family and hopefully share a few stories about her grandfather. I think you will make things awkward as you're not really apart of that family. Even if you don't upset the ex, I just think it's nice for close family to reminisce.

As for your partner, I think it is really strange he is insecure about you going to the funeral of the father of your ex of decades ago Does he thnk you're going to jump his bines ove the coffin? . That's your big issue right there.

sillysmiles · 11/09/2019 12:11

So this man was involved in your daughter's upbringing, and you had an ongoing relationship with him and his wife for the last 17 years because of your daughter. Surely then it is irrelevant then that you didn't have a relationship with your daughters father.
I think you should go.
This man has been part of your life for 17 years and part of your daughters life. Clearly based on what you have written there was no animosity between you and your daughters paternal GP. I think you are over thinking this. Just go.
If your partner hadn't said anything would you even be second guessing this? And he is speaking from his own insecurity and not a place of concern for the larger family relationships.

Heartofglass12345 · 11/09/2019 12:56

My mum and sisters came to my GF funeral and my mum and dad divorced about 20 years before he died. My mum and dad didn't have much to do with each other but my nan and grandad had always treated her and my sisters like family when they were younger even though my sisters had a different dad.
I would go, you can always stay at the back if you don't want to cause drama

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/09/2019 13:02

Sounds like you had more of a relationship with the grandparents than you did with the father of your DD, tbh, if you dealt with them as she was growing up. As such, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to go to the funeral and your DP should wind his neck in and understand that.

Your DD should get a say as well though, obviously. And as you're not planning to sweep in and take centre stage, I don't see that it would upset her father either.

I'd have gone to my ex fiancé's grandparents' funerals if I'd known when they were - they were both very kind and used to stay in touch with me long after ex had dumped me and gone off with someone else. I wouldn't have shown myself to the family, just stood at the back to pay my respects then left again.

Poppet93 · 12/09/2019 06:51

Well, put it this way... How would you feel if your ex turned up at your Dad's funeral with his new partner? You'd be pretty pissed and hurt right? So why cause a scene at a funeral? Your daughter is 17, she's not a kid. She has her Dad and other family members around to support her, you can pick her up later from the wake or something. I just think that you being there would be awful and would cause a lot of tension and anger when it's not supposed to be about you.

comfysocks · 12/09/2019 09:45

My DH's first wife came to MILs funeral. They don't have DC together but she had a good relationship with PIL and wanted to pay her respects. She did sit up the back and didn't stay for the wake but (in our case) it wouldn't have bothered anyone if she had.

LaMarschallin · 12/09/2019 10:15

So why cause a scene at a funeral?

This is one of the things I don't understand about MN; there's so much drama: "causing a scene", "kicking off", "AIBU to tell X to fuck off" when it's the first approach to X about a problem...

Nobody seems to have a problem with the OP going (including her ex) except her current partner.

I suppose it would be foolish to take him along if he's going to cause a scene but the OP doesn't seem to be intending to turn up, swathed in a black veil and weeping noisily.

MRex · 12/09/2019 11:11

So why cause a scene at a funeral?

"Hi ex, very sorry to hear you've lost your dad, hope you're ok? I thought about asking DD if she'd like me to come to the funeral to support her, but before I do I want to ask if you would be ok with that, let me know please."

Such a scene.

Shoxfordian · 12/09/2019 11:31

What else is he insecure about? Seems like you have bigger issues than this funeral tbh

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