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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to attend my daughter's grandfather's funeral?

99 replies

Rainbowsandpotsofgold · 11/09/2019 08:51

Hi. I'm a first time poster long time lurker please be kind.....
I had my daughter at 16, didn't have a very good relationship with her dad and we split up quite quickly after.
17 years later , I'm in another relationship and very happy. My daughter's grandfather passed away after a quick illness a few days ago and I would like to go to the funeral out of respect for him and as support for my daughter.
My partner thinks it's completely out of order for me to go as my ex will be there (haven't spoken to him in maybe 10 years, always dealt with his parents) and my daughter has other family there to support her. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 11/09/2019 09:26

Is your DP saying you shouldn't go because he is jealous, or because he thinks it would be upsetting for your ex and his family if you turned up? he may be playing Devil's Advocate rather than being a dickhead. I think it depends on the ex: is he likely to think 'how nice of Rainbow to attend' or will he be thinking 'why the hell is she here, upsetting me on this sad day'? Only you know that. You haven't spoken to him in 10 years. If it was my DF: well my DSis would be fine with her exDH turning up, but if it was my ex I'd be absolutely livid.

Figgygal · 11/09/2019 09:29

What does your dd want?

MollyButton · 11/09/2019 09:31

Your DP is out of order.

Does your Dd want you there? Do you generally get on with the family? Are you going to kick off a scene with your Ex?
If the answers are Yes, yes, no - then go!

AmIThough · 11/09/2019 09:31

My dad didn't come to my grandads funeral (moms dad - parents divorced 10 years before he died) and, although I love him and we have a great relationship, I couldn't forgive him for that and still haven't - 9 years on. I was 14 at the time.

My mom was at the front with her sisters and my Nan.
My uncle held my hand through the whole thing and I couldn't have done it without him. But I'd have rather my dad had been there to support me.

I don't care what your partner thinks. Does your daughter need you?

WilburIsSomePig · 11/09/2019 09:31

How well did you know the grandfather? Won't your daughter have support from that side of the family?

AmIThough · 11/09/2019 09:33

Just to clarify, you had a short relationship when you were 16 years old? Is her dad even going to be upset by you being there? I doubt he'd even give it a second thought.

boptist · 11/09/2019 09:33

The only one who obviously wasn't pleased was ex-husband

I can imagine quite a few posters would have good reason to be unhappy if their ex turned up at their mother’s funeral.

Mabelface · 11/09/2019 09:35

Go to support your daughter. It's actually fuck all to do with your current partner.

Drum2018 · 11/09/2019 09:36

I'd go given you have had a relationship with her grandparents over the years. I wouldn't sit near the front with your dd though. Let dd sit up with family and you sit further back. Your partner doesn't get to decide for you.

Original poster

Rainbowsandpotsofgold · 11/09/2019 09:37

My ex and myself don't have a bad relationship it was just that my daughter spent more time with her GP rather than her dad (finishing school, uni etc)

I'll ask my daughter what she wants and go from there.

I wouldn't even particularly make it known that I am there (stand at the back and leave through a side door) so I wouldn't think it would upset my ex but my daughter would know that I'm there

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 11/09/2019 09:37

My eldest DD attended her GF funeral even though he ignored her for 13 years along with her so called father. She did as a matter of respect, sometimes we need to be the bigger person and do the right thing; tell your daft DP this.

YobaOljazUwaque · 11/09/2019 09:39

Its none of your partner's business so ignore him.

However as you didn't have a great relationship with your DD's dad, and he has just lost his own dad, the only person you should be consulting is him.

Send him a text/email/whatever saying "I am really sorry for your loss and I know this must be a tough time for you. I would like to come to the funeral to pay my respects to (grandpa) who was always (something nice about him), and to support (DD) but would totally understand if you don't want me there so please could you let me know if you or anyone else close to (grandpa) would find it difficult for me to be there. Very best wishes and much sympathy.
(rainbows)"

springydaff · 11/09/2019 09:39

Why would you post in AIBU if you want people to be gentle??

Odd for your partner to be making a fuss tbh.

ShippingNews · 11/09/2019 09:40

My ex attended the funerals of both my parents , which I thought was a nice thing. He always got along well with them. In your situation, yes of course you should go. Your partner is being a twat.

justmyview · 11/09/2019 09:41

My SIL had a similar situation. She went to the funeral service, but sat towards the back and didn't go to the wake afterwards. Although she didn't sit with her DS, he knew that she was there

I think she did send a message to her ex in advance, to say that she was thinking of going, but would stand down if he preferred she didn't go

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 11/09/2019 09:42

Go. Support your daughter, pay your respects, say goodbye, tell his widow you always appreciated his support of your DD. It’s the right thing to di

Bibidy · 11/09/2019 09:43

I think it depends on your relationship with your ex - at the end of the day he has lost his father and it will be a difficult day for him. It doesn't sound like you get on so I would advise that you don't show up at his dad's funeral and potentially stress him out further.

Your daughter will have her father and wider family to support her, I don't think you need to be there really.

I appreciate you would like to go out of respect but I think everyone will understand why you're not there and I think it's kinder to stay away on such a tough day for your ex partner.

I can't think of anything worse than my ex showing up on one of the hardest days of my life, it really would be the last thing I needed.

NoSquirrels · 11/09/2019 09:43

If I

boptist · 11/09/2019 09:43

I think @YobaOljazUwaque nailed it.

LaMarschallin · 11/09/2019 09:46

I can imagine quite a few posters would have good reason to be unhappy if their ex turned up at their mother’s funeral.

Why, in this case?
I had been invited by her husband and wouldn't have gone otherwise.
As I said, my daughters were glad I was there and I didn't go to the social event afterwards. I just sat at the back of the church and sang hymns as appropriate.
She was a lovely grandmother and I was glad I could pay my respects.

Ex-husband showed disapproval by tightening of the lips and frowning.

This wasn't an exciting "kicking off" display or anything. Nobody even told anybody else to "Fuck off". Disappointingly un-MN.

The issue sounds more with the OP's partner. Mine just felt I should do the right thing as I saw it.

NoSquirrels · 11/09/2019 09:47

Oops.

If I divorced my DH, even acrimoniously, I would 100% expect him to come to my parents’ funerals in order to support his children, who would be losing someone they love very much. In fact, if he stayed away without a word I would think him the biggest arsehole.

But loads of posters here think the opposite.

So it’s not a one-size-fits-all question. Find out what your DD wants, contact the widow/grandmother. Treat it sensitively but make your own mind up.

LaMarschallin · 11/09/2019 09:48

Sorry - should have put that I was replying to boptist

Original poster

Rainbowsandpotsofgold · 11/09/2019 09:49

yes @AmIThough. We had a short relationship at 16. Tbh I don't think it would make any difference to him if I was there or not

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 11/09/2019 09:51

Is your partner that insecure that he thinks your ex is going to throw you over the coffin and give you the best shag of your life, infront of all the other mourners?

WTF? Don't you think it's more likely he thinks it's inappropriate because the Ex will be mourning his father? I would have been upset and appalled if my ex had turned up at my father's funeral.

MRex · 11/09/2019 09:52

I think you should ask your ex and not your partner. Better to ask him before making a promise to DD as well. It's his dad, respecting that it'll be a hard day for him too you might need to find a different way of supporting DD if he doesn't want you there.

Your DP sounds like a prize knob by the way.

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