To be happyDSS didn't come and stay on the weekend?

[rubyblue40]

My partners son is 12 years old and has stayed us for the whole 6 weeks holiday; where he spent all his time on his playstation, didnt budge from the bedroom, ate all the food, complained about what was made for dinner and left a mess everywhere. His Mother didnt bother to insist he goes home for a few days during the holidays even though she had just had a baby and surely DSS would need to bond with new baby. My partner was useless in giving him a structure during the holidays, or just at least getting him to tidy up after himself. this weekend he stayed with his mum and i just felt no tension within me, i am due to have a baby anf wont be happy if DSS is going to be here lazing around in the house nextbhalf term. weekends i can deal with, half term is another story!

@viques nowhere in that did I say I didn't like him. I said I would resent it if he was badly behaved.

• often imagine these mothers coaching their children to behave as badly as possible then taking delight in their children's tales of what they did to upset their stepmother.

I have neither children nor stepchildren, just an observation.*

So you think mothers are actively encouraging their kids to act out to piss step mothers off?

The fact that you are neither a mother nor a stepmother is quite obvious. What an believably Goady thing to say when you have no experience of either's situation

So you think mothers are actively encouraging their kids to act out to piss step mothers

People on here have admitted doing exactly that on here in the past.

@rubyblue40

If you think he doesn’t know how you feel you are kidding yourself

Then they are just as bad aren't they? And if I saw a parent on here goading their child into behaving badly, I'd say as much to them too.

So you think mothers are actively encouraging their kids to act out to piss step mothers

Some do, but I would say that in the vast majority of the cases the problem is caused by the lack of discipline from non resident’s parent

By the way, I knew a few kids in this situation and all of those who are awful at dad’s house are horrible at their mother’s too. The lovely ones, are lovely at both places with some tiny differences but lovely most of the time.

Seems like everyone is merrily having more and more cute babies but you all lose interest/ get frustrated when those babies grow up and reach less appealing ages hmm. Sounds like the adults involved should focus on parenting the children they already have rather than creating more and more with new “partners”
Yes, there does seem to be a big run of it at the moment on here

Yes, there does seem to be a big run of it at the moment on here

Do you mean this moment? Everybody is popping new children from second relationships into the world? How bloody inconsiderate!

The reality of it is that there is nothing new about it, it has gone for thousands of years. So no, there is no big run of it at the moment, you just happen to be reading an anonymous forum where people would say more than they do in real life.

Mumsnet is all about other people's business. One thing I keep noticing from reading Mumsnet is that there seems to be a high correlation between sloppy fathering and partners not being married.

One thing I keep noticing from reading Mumsnet is that there seems to be a high correlation between sloppy fathering and partners not being married.

I have also noticed this--it's pretty striking.

I've no doubt you do get the odd couple who have really good, mutually agreed reasons for not-marrying, and have been down to the solicitor's office and done all the alternative paperwork instead, in a responsible manner. 9 times out of 10, though, it's a case of a guy who is thinly-committed to the new family--and sometimes to both families, where there was a previous marriage.

i am due to have a baby anf wont be happy if DSS is going to be here lazing around in the house nextbhalf term. weekends i can deal with, half term is another story! That's so sad. If you had a biological older child would you pack then off for half term?

My stepson lives with us 90% of the time and my son lives with us all the time. Myself and my partner (unmarried to protect myself but have a will making provisions for the 2 children and partner) treat both children exactly the same. Neither of us would stand for less. It seems too many parents put partners above their children.

I've been using MN for 6 years and I've never seen anyone talking about goading their child to misbehave for their step parent.

My ex has a partner (not married but they have been together almost 5 years) and if I found out my DS was misbehaving for his partner then I'd be having words with him.

Difference is though, my ex actually parents our DS and wouldn't let him get away with bad behaviour in his house. Which it doesn't sound like OP's partner can be bothered to do.

One thing I keep noticing from reading Mumsnet is that there seems to be a high correlation between sloppy fathering and partners not being married.

Interestingly, if we go for what is posted in Mumsnet, there are far more married people with spouses who neglect them, ignore them and abuse them than people in unmarried situations having fathering problems.. Obviously, nobody posts about their happy full working relationship.

What I have notice is that a deadbeat dad is perceived differently according to the setting, and higher expectations placed in the unmarried. At the end of the day, a selfish married man who is neglectful, pay no attention to the kids, leaves the wife to deal with everything is nicely called a “workaholic” not the names am unmarried partner or step father will get.

I think a lot of the problem is that the RPs have a "not my problem" attitude towards their childrens behaviour when they're with the other parent. I do get that to an extent but I would be mortified if my child didn't behave for any other adult. It reflects badly on both parents, but moreso the one who has the child most of the time.

We had the problem where DP was a good parent, involved and had rules when dss was with us. He behaved for us because he knew he had to, however he would go home to his mum and go back to his lazy and rude ways because she allowed it. So every time he comes to us he starts out with this attitude and we spend the first day or so reminding him that our house isn't a doss house and we don't allow that behaviour / language / attitude. Its hard.

I have also seen threads on here where RPs encourage children to be awful to NRPs and new partners, even step siblings etc.

I know dss mum wanted him to be awful to me in the beginning because in his 8yo innocence he told me as much. Its frankly pathetic and the only person it hurts is the child.

A newborn baby? Given a chance I wouldn't want to stay there either.

Begrudging a 12 year old boy staying in his own father's home is not a good look, OP. As for being messy and being a bit lazy or inactive during the holidays - parents up and down the country and worldwide are very familiar with all that, he's hardly doing anything out of the ordinary for a 12 year old boy.

To be honest you sound bitter, resentful and angry - I agree with others, this is a sad post.

This boy needs some attention and love by the sounds of it, not to be treated like a major inconvenience.

You should also note that you are the one who walked into his life and not the other way around.

As for being messy and being a bit lazy or inactive during the holidays - parents up and down the country and worldwide are very familiar with all that, he's hardly doing anything out of the ordinary for a 12 year old boy

ah yes 12yo boys are messy and lazy and its fiiiiiiiiine. No wonder so many women dislike their MILs because they brought their sons up to be lazy useless shites just because they're boys.

Bonjourfreddie - that's not what I said. Also, I have a DD who is by some distance makes even more mess than my DS. It's not really a gender issue. But don't worry, your post didn't come across that you hate men or anythig like that

You are describing every 12 year old boy, both my boys were incapable of picking anything up or put things in the dishwasher and would not come out of their rooms unless it was for food, and they complained about what I would cook because it was not KFC or McDonalds. I had to nag and shout and sometimes take the router away to make them clean up. He is normal. I wonder when your teenager child is like this will you not want them around.

you said its not out of the ordinary, well yes if you're ordinary is to allow crap behaviour. Maybe its not a gender issue in your household, but generally it is. ever heard "boys will be boys" whats a girls excuse? oh yes, there isn't one.

I don't hate men at all, I have a lovely DP, and a DSS and a DS who are being brought up to be respectful, considerate and tidy and that the "boys will be boys" excuse will not wash with me and DP.

I dislike men and boys who are lazy and think that "womens work" still exists, thankfully I don't live with anyone like that.

Actually my dd is far messier than my 2 ds's. That's not the point. The point is most children have to LEARN how to clear up after themselves and often it's a long process of consistent reminders to get the message to sink in. And on the subject of resident parents making the lives of nrps difficult because we 'let standards slide' I'd suggest that the alternative way of looking at this is that at the rp doing 95% of the hard graft of raising the children (in my case) I have to pick my battles and sometimes that means letting things go to concentrate on other, note important things.

It's easy to be the perfect parent when you only see your kids once a fortnight and you have a two adult household.

Just because we're saying kids at that age ARE messy by nature, it doesn't mean we are LETTING THEM BE MESSY.

The point is most children have to LEARN how to clear up after themselves and often it's a long process of consistent reminders to get the message to sink in. And on the subject of resident parents making the lives of nrps difficult because we 'let standards slide' I'd suggest that the alternative way of looking at this is that at the rp doing 95% of the hard graft of raising the children (in my case) I have to pick my battles and sometimes that means letting things go to concentrate on other, note important things
Yes, they do need to learn, and they do need reminding. The DP in this scenario should have been doing that. I have been the RP for DSS so I know exactly how it works and honestly I find it harder now, because when you're parenting 95% of the time its easier to be consistent. They know the rules and they're there 95% of the time so theres no excuse of forgetting them when they're away. To me being tidy is very important. I do pick my battles and do does DP but being lazy and messy isn't allowed in our house. My 3yo knows he has to put his toys away when he's finished. Its not hard.

It's easy to be the perfect parent when you only see your kids once a fortnight and you have a two adult household

again, I have been RP for a teenager. Having a 2 adult household is a bit of a red herring I think. You don't need to gang up on children to get them to pick up after themselves.

Just because we're saying kids at that age ARE messy by nature, it doesn't mean we are LETTING THEM BE MESSY

There is no such thing as "messy by nature" you are not born messy.

In your opinion. Bonjour.

My opinion is different based on my own observations. It's fine to have different opinions but please don't assume that yours is the only correct one.

I am not assuming that mine is the only correct one, but there's so many excuses as to why kids are lazy and messy and really the only reason is that they're allowed to be.