To be happyDSS didn't come and stay on the weekend?

[rubyblue40]

My partners son is 12 years old and has stayed us for the whole 6 weeks holiday; where he spent all his time on his playstation, didnt budge from the bedroom, ate all the food, complained about what was made for dinner and left a mess everywhere. His Mother didnt bother to insist he goes home for a few days during the holidays even though she had just had a baby and surely DSS would need to bond with new baby. My partner was useless in giving him a structure during the holidays, or just at least getting him to tidy up after himself. this weekend he stayed with his mum and i just felt no tension within me, i am due to have a baby anf wont be happy if DSS is going to be here lazing around in the house nextbhalf term. weekends i can deal with, half term is another story!

Idiot I had a ZX81 and then a Spectrum. I was a bit good on Bomber and Space Invaders

Most kids if left to their own devices would sit around and play on gadgets all day making a mess.
That doesn’t mean that’s how they should be living.
They also enjoy going out and doing stuff.
They need parenting.
Someone should have taken him out regularly and spent time with him. Perhaps arranged to meet up with friends.
Kids should also follow rules regarding mess and help with chores. This makes them feel like part of the family.

Sounds like he is the mirror image of his Father. Stop enabling both of them to be lazy sods.

Sorry but leaving mess all over the house isnt typical 12yo behaviour unless you let it be.

"Boys will be boys" attitude and putting up with mess because "thats how boys are" is lazy parenting.

Boys are not naturally messier lazier or ruder than girls unless you let them be.

Another vote for this being typical behavior for 12 years old.

Does your partner help you around the house, clean/tidy after himself? if he’s not and all cleaning/ tidying is on you, of course it leaves you upset and irritated. I would think about how all of you divide chores. Talk with your partner first, establish ground rules and expectations and then discuss them all three of you. Present it as a joint discussion, not Dad and you telling him off. And don’t expect him behaving straight away, (it’s a typical mistake I always make with my DD, she’s 15, never ends good) he will need lots of reminding for a while. Actually it might apply to your partner as well.

Also at 12 he still needs activities to be organised for him at some extent.
And of course you should discuss what food he likes and cook accordingly. How could it be different?

"I'm left to clean up, with no help from DSS ot partner"

Then stop the martyred cleaning up, & start using your words.

That poor boy.
You could have spent 6 weeks trying to get along with him, suggesting fun things to do together, & teaching him domestic responsibilities. Instead, you let him hole up in his room all day, & are now complaining about it after the event.

@rubyblue35 I feel for you. I am also a stepparent. My husband has a DD (16) who we don't see anymore and DS(13). He comes round every second weekend and some of the holidays.

What people who aren't stepparents don't realise is that we don't have the same feelings for our SC that we do for our own children. So where we'd forgive and put up with our own child behaving that way, we resent our SC behaving that way, because we don't have that same love we do for our own.

Luckily for me my SS is very well behaved. If he wasn't, I would find it difficult to have him round, as I don't have that same feeling as I do for my own child, and I don't have the same position in SS life to get him to behave. It's the lack of control round SC that's difficult.

Almost every step parent thread that involves a SM not liking their step child can be brought back to them having chosen a poor partner then blaming the child for the way they're being parented.

There is nothing wrong in asking a child of that age to take their dirty plates/glasses to the kitchen. Or to pick up their dirty clothing from the floor and put it in the laundry basket or washing machine or for them to make their bed. That is basic and children younger than this perform these tasks with ease.

6 weeks is a long time to sit there and not go out and do anything. Although this isn’t solely down to you at all, your DP appears to be clueless at parenting. Your anger is misdirected as others have said, it is up to your DP to be guiding him and if you are a worthy partner, you will do your best to support him.

Back to the boy, when he returns to school and is asked what he did over the summer holidays, his answer will effectively be ‘nothing’.

Many kids will have gone out and done many things over the holidays. Even taking him to the cinema once or out for a burger would have been something. I am an ex Step Mum/GF and i have to be honest, I am pretty shocked to hear that this boy has been forgotten about. His childhood is meant to contain happy memories.

This thread is actually really horrible. Remind me never to voice my feelings on MN about SC. Step parents aren't allowed to have feelings.

OP I have RTFT (sorry on the way to work) but i remember my DD going through this phase - you have my sympathies, it was frustrating and took a lot of strong boundaries (and the Wi-Fi being switched off regularly) to change things - is your DP happy for you to discipline your DSS?

I think if you posted it was your DS the responses would have been different- as they area on the teenage boards. There would have been more sympathy for you and more advice on how to manage his behaviour.

Good luck OP - my DD used to wind me up so much so fully understand.

Normal 12 year old boy behaviour. Get his Dad to read the riot act about dirty dishes and clothes.

*I never understand why women who are first hand witnesses to their DP being a crap father decide to have a baby with that same man.

Who thinks "well he really fails at that task, so I'll set him that same task and expect him to excel at it."?*

Yeah I don't get it either. I feel sorry for the kid. No one is bothering with him at all.

sadltycindy

Gosh, you sound like someone who has bought a Hoover and is really pissed off because she doesn't have use for some of the attachments that came as part of the package.

I wonder(cynical face on) why your SD doesn't come any more, but I wouldn't worry too much, I imagine that your SS will soon decide that your begrudging attitude is not worth putting up with - no matter how hard he tries to behave - so his relationship with his father will be lost too.

Step away from the poisoned apples children, sadlycindy's here.

Unfortunately that’s teenage boys for you I have 2.
My 12 year old is the messiest person I have ever met and would live in a shit tip if I let him, he will have his face so far into his phone that anything else gets forgotten about without prompts, and always has a I’ll do it later attitude... but he is a kind soul and helpful when I need a favour like popping to the shop or other little jobs (maybe he will sigh or huff 😂)
My 13 year old likes his part of the bedroom tidy and his stuff in order, washes his clothes daily, and plays out a lot... BUT he has a bad attitude and has a tendency of needing to always have the last word.

My point is ALL teenage boys have their good points and bad, he don’t sound any different to any other 12 year old boy.
Both my boys are totally different personality wise

Your DSS sounds remarkably similar to my 12 yo DS and my 16 yo DS. DS1 is now quite sporty but incapable of moving a wrapper to a bin unless reminded. DS2 would spend his entire life in a darkened room on the XBox if allowed. Both boys were booked on to sports courses over the summer so they had to get up and out into daylight.

You have a DP problem not a DSS problem.

And turning the WiFi off always gets done what I have asked

I apologise for sounding harsh, but your attitude and behaviour are highly problematic here.

He is 12. His behaviour is perfectly typical 12-yo behaviour if left to their own devices. You and his father are the adults here - it's your job to give him structure, provide him with activities to keep his mind and body busy, teach him basic life skills such as tidiness, cleaning up after oneself, household responsibilities. You're expecting him to bring himself up - no, that's your job. You need to be parenting, and you need to get your DP to be a proper parent as well. Why are you putting up with a lazy DP?

Your poor DSS is also facing new babies in both families, and is very likely feeling left out and pushed out, and generally unwanted and unloved by all the adults involved. I feel very sorry for him. Please think about how you can be a better step-parent to him.

I'm an adult who had a step mum who believed she made me feel welcome even though she couldn't stand me and have been in counselling for most of my adult life because of it. Think carefully about who you are blaming here.

Learn to change the Wifi password.

Leave a note each day:

Wifi password will be provided once you have showered, tidied your room, brought dirty clothes and dishes down and done the washing up. etc.

If x-box doesn't use wifi, then turn the power off at fuse box to the upstairs/bedrooms etc.

Or if he is responsive, he gets pocket money/phone credit for jobs. Have a list with a price next to them. One of mine is motivated by money, the other not.

Ah the good old ZX81 @ShatnersWig. I remember it well!!!

I think most 12 year old’s would act the same if they were left without any structure or routine for weeks on end. It’s not your DSS’s fault, he is a child. It is your DP’s fault as a parent, he should have offered some structure for his son. He shouldn’t have been allowed to play on games all day long, someone should have switched the game off and told him it was time to get outside and go somewhere.

I feel sorry for him really. He’s just a kid, most kids don’t really care about living amongst mess.

@sadlycindy of course step parents are allowed to have feelings. I've read a lot of threads on here from step parents who have received a lot of support and sympathy but their posts come across much better and they seem to genuinely care for their step children. I'm sure the op does care about her dss and her post is reflecting sheer frustration, but unfortunately her op came across quite cold and uncaring which is probably why she's getting the responses she is.

I think you have to accept a certain amount of mess. However, you can ask him to go and get any plates in his room and bring them down, put your clothes in the laundry basket (put one in his room), put clothes away (I wash and iron my 11 year olds but she puts it all away). General clutter and plates left on the kitchen table etc I’d just deal with.
Also, did your partner not take any leave whilst his son was staying? He should have taken him on holiday (with or without you) or at least on weekends take him out somewhere nice for the day.
People who come on her and say ‘you don’t love step children line your own’ you have to make a huge effort to overcome this (or don’t marry or get together with a person who has a child). You have to love them as much as your own so that you don’t mess them up. You decided to take on their child when you got with them, you have to make a very big effort (in my opinion).