To be happyDSS didn't come and stay on the weekend?

[rubyblue40]

My partners son is 12 years old and has stayed us for the whole 6 weeks holiday; where he spent all his time on his playstation, didnt budge from the bedroom, ate all the food, complained about what was made for dinner and left a mess everywhere. His Mother didnt bother to insist he goes home for a few days during the holidays even though she had just had a baby and surely DSS would need to bond with new baby. My partner was useless in giving him a structure during the holidays, or just at least getting him to tidy up after himself. this weekend he stayed with his mum and i just felt no tension within me, i am due to have a baby anf wont be happy if DSS is going to be here lazing around in the house nextbhalf term. weekends i can deal with, half term is another story!

Sounds like a very normal teenager if he was your biological son would you hope he wasn’t around when you are giving birth? You make him sound like an inconvenience rather than a member of the family and a sibling to your child.

@Janus
@CandyLeBonBon

Agreed, kids need it drilling into them and it’s not clear from the OP if that’s what happened - people have immediately jumped to the conclusion that nothing was said for 6 weeks (which I find hard to believe). The issue is that if this had’ve been a ‘normal’ mum complaining about her 12 yo behaviour, she’d have got nothing but support. But as soon as people see stepmum, it’s a red flag to attack the OP and jump to wild conclusions that she’s neglectful, bitter, spiteful, etc.

It is true that boundaries are needed at this age. Many mumsnetters usually complain about their adult children/spouses who had been pampered as teenagers and then treated their parents/wives like their servants.

Also, OP he has to understand that it is YOUR house too, so why don't you try to set some rules too? Hide the console for a day, give him a book to read or some home activity, keep his door open so you have his attention and give him instructions.

When I am busy doing houswork or help a DC study I ask my other children to do simple tasks like taking the washing from the line and put underwear or tracksuits they wear at home in their drawers (it only takes 5 minutes), to take their plates to the kitchen, empty them in the bin and leave then in the kitchen. Please, bring the cucumber/garlic/bread, oh I forgot the jam etc.

You can ask him to bring nappies, open another pack of wipes, bring a glass of water etc when the baby arrives.

Here’s the difference:

Sometimes my DSC’s are an inconvenience and get on my nerves.

Sometimes my 13mo DS is an inconvenience and gets on my nerves.

How do those two statements make you feel?

In all honesty l can see why you are resentful. I would have refused to cook food which was then criticised and clean up. It was your summer as well. He is more than capable of washing up, putting things away, loading / unloading the washing machine. As is the classic line on here but you also have a DP problem. Boundaries and discipline need to be applied. So he does not think he can lie around doing what he wants all the time. You need to get this ironed out before your child is born, plus from a practical perspective you shouldn't running round after 3 others.

I would absolutely refuse to clean up after a big lump of a 12 year old, whether that child was mine or someone else's. Turn the wifi off and get him to tidy up after himself. Christ almighty, I was looking after other children when I was that age.

Yes, I agree @MellowBird85

I have seen in the past completely different responses about giving children responsibilities, lots of advice about how to engage your child with tidying up their bedroom, how to prioritise, prepare things the night before, if he doesn't his fault, he will get detention, tough, he will learn the hard way etc. It's all about raising responsible and capable future adults who are useful to their future familes and not useless wastes of space.

Of course the boy in question might be a bit too young to do everything and might turn out fine but I can't see many pointing OP to this direction. Nobody is saying to kick his backside or send him to work in the fields, just some routine. On the contrary, lots of disparaging comments about being a horrible DSM because "he is only a kid afterall"

I have not read the whole thread. I have been a stepmother for 15 years, brought up two girls myself (sometimes without their dad even being here) from the age of 12. I really sympathise with your DSSs position, he must be feeling very unwanted and unsure of how he fits in. I think you need to start acting like more of a parent to him. Give him some boundaries, but not in a punitive way, do things with him, organise activities, etc. My stepdaughters would not have been allowed to stay in their bedrooms, play games etc all holiday. It's not a holiday from life! They needed to get out there and do something or even stay in and do something. If you are having a baby in November you are not incapacitated or unable to go out with him (cinema, bowling, lunch?) sometimes, do things together at home etc. If he doesn't like the food, teach him to cook or bake something he likes and work on the cleaning up together. Include him in discussions and plans about the baby (I had a baby when my stepdaughters were 14 and 16, they were included in choosing lots of things for him etc).

OP, really think about what you have written: 'I don't want my stepson around when my real child comes along'. How horrid does that sound? You don't get to pick and choose when he gets to be part of his father's life. You decided to get into a relationship with a man with children. They always will be and always should be more important to your DP than you are. I just hope he realises that.

Mellow I get what you're saying. In this instance I think the op has set the tone though, inasmuchas she hasn't really come across as anything other than critical. It could be that she's just feeling frustrated and it's hard to get a real feel for anyone's reality from a few hundred words on an anonymous forum but the original post seems quite devoid of anything resembling affection or connection with her dss and that's probably why other posters are being quite vehement in their opinions. I don't believe all step parents are awful but there are enough out there who are. It's a tough gig. In this instance, the op seems quite cold towards her dss. It may not be the case of course, but that's how it reads.

PS I could not disagree more with the posters who say it is your partner's responsibility to sort him out. It is equally yours. It is your home, he is part of your family.

He's 12 OP. This is what 12 year old boys are like. And in 12 years time you too will have a 12 year old, and this boy will be 24 and out of your life. Be kind, you reap what you sow.

Stop blaming the child and blame your DP. Foolish to have a baby with a man who has shown himself to be a lazy father and a selfish partner - many people would have loved to have that insight before deciding to have children with a man. You had it, chose to ignore it and are now directing your frustrations at your stepchild instead of your DP and yourself

You have a partner problem

You do realise that your "D"P is a shit parent, and you've chosen him to inflict on another poor innocent life.

Blinder move there.

My ex is like this. He had his kids 2 nights in the six weeks holidays. I had them every other bit of time (7 and 3) and it damn near killed me because I had no money to keep taking them out entertaining them, and it rained 85% of the time. I have a breakdown in the middle of it where I cried on the kitchen floor and then went to bed and felt like I couldn't move. My kids jumped on me and pulled my hair.

Your partner needs to get a grip of himself now or that could be you in the next few years.

Have read a bit of the thread now and would say:

Those who say "this is normal 12 year old behaviour": lazy stereotyping to get out of bothering to parent. My 12 year olds were not like this, not was I, and nor will my now 10 year old be when he is 12.

Being a stepmother is still being a parent, like it or not.

Yes typical 12 year old boy... however that doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries and your partner needs to back you up. But be realistic, choose what bugs you the most and implement it and ignore other behaviours.

Were you not included in the discussions about where he will spend the summer? It sounds like the 12 year old gets to pick and choose where he stays and for how long?

Regardless that you didn’t give birth to him you still have a say.

It’s a bit late to want changes to how your partner parents just because you’re having a baby. All children can be hard work but to repeat the broken record, you need to tackle your partner on getting his son into a routine of pitching in around your shared home, cleaning up his mess, having a positive input into meals. Letting him stew in his bed glued to a screen is a complete absence of parenting. No excuses for that.

I’m a SM. I’m an equal parent and an equal member of this household. We have agreed rules about rubbish in the bin, dirty clothes in the basket, no food in rooms, screen time, setting and clearing the table. It doesn’t happen overnight though and it’s complicated but not impossible for a child living under two different roofs. Ask for small realistic changes that will improve life for you all but you have to remember he’s currently operating in a vacuum, not healthy for him at all, and if you honestly can’t either stop skivvying or have a proper discussion with your DP about this then life will be a million times harder when you have a baby.

I’m concerned at the number of people saying this sounds like normal behaviour for a 12 year old. Everyone seems to be skimming over the fact that this boy didn’t want to see his mum of new sibling in 6 weeks??!!

OP I get that your annoyed at having mess but that’s what children of all ages bring. If I was you I would be getting DP to speak with his DS and ask how he is feeling. There seems to be a lot on this child’s shoulders and his response has been to shut himself away.

It’s not unreasonable to feel frustrated. It is to appear like you don’t want your SS in your home.

@Lorddenning1

you sound horrible OP

Oh, the irony. Takes time to open thread and post. Posts nasty bollocks.

So funny.

I don't think the OP sounds "horrible" but she does sound like she is out of control of the situation, and needs to have a hard think about how to rectify that.

Ahhhhh OP, i feel for you, this was never going to go well!

you are a step-mother, therefore you must do absolutely everything for your SS when he is at your house, cook whatever meal he likes, clean his room, even wipe his butt if he asks.

You must NEVER have an opinion on what he is doing, or not doing, force him to do something he doesn't want to. He can stay at your house for as long or as little as he likes - if he demands to be taken home at midnight, then you do that....

When your baby arrives, if SS walks in the room, immediately drop child anywhere you can so SS doesn't feel left out or that baby is getting more love and attention than him.

in all seriousness, he is a 12 year old boy, he won't tidy his room or do anything to help unless he absolutely has to and even then it will take some doing. I think you need to have a chat with DH and ask him to have a word with his son about picking up after himself etc i think MN will find that acceptable

It is normal for children of all ages to make mess tbf mellow, 12 year old’s are no different. I think most posters are just saying it’s normal for children not to clean up after themselves unless prompted. OP and her DP just kinda let him get on with it and OP seemingly sat in silent resentment for six weeks...

This could all have been cleared up with good old communication.