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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be happyDSS didn't come and stay on the weekend?

226 replies

rubyblue40 · 11/09/2019 00:56

My partners son is 12 years old and has stayed us for the whole 6 weeks holiday; where he spent all his time on his playstation, didnt budge from the bedroom, ate all the food, complained about what was made for dinner and left a mess everywhere. His Mother didnt bother to insist he goes home for a few days during the holidays even though she had just had a baby and surely DSS would need to bond with new baby. My partner was useless in giving him a structure during the holidays, or just at least getting him to tidy up after himself. this weekend he stayed with his mum and i just felt no tension within me, i am due to have a baby anf wont be happy if DSS is going to be here lazing around in the house nextbhalf term. weekends i can deal with, half term is another story!

OP posts:

ukgift2016 · 11/09/2019 09:15

Pretty normal behaviour. Your precious child will be the same one day if you just left them to it.

Aprillygirl · 11/09/2019 09:18

He sounds like a typical 12yr old to me, but what I don't get is why you don't say something to him instead of quietly seething away. If I had a stepson and he was staying with me for weeks at a time I would treat him very much as one of the family which means telling him to bring his plates down and tidy his room, telling him not to be rude when complaining about his dinner, telling him he's spending too long gaming and suggest he come with me to walk the dog or help in the garden. Anything to get him off his arse and out for a bit of fresh air. His DD definitely needs to be paying more attention to his child too, especially now that he has a new half sibling and about to have yet another one. He needs to be assured of his place in the world and his useless dad should be giving him as much of his time and attention as possible. Poor kid.

MellowBird85 · 11/09/2019 09:20

It never ceases to amaze me on threads like these how people suddenly lower their standards and expectations of DC.

“It’s normal 12 year old behaviour”. Yeah well it’s normal toddler behaviour to try and throw themselves down the stairs, doesn’t mean you let em do it. A 12 year old is perfectly capable of following some basic house rules and showing a bit of gratitude.

But you are a stepmother and therefore, by default, are wrong and a selfish monster (according to MN). Unless you flagellate yourself continuously, it’s not good enough.

YANBU.

banana64 · 11/09/2019 09:22

This reply has been deleted

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LannieDuck · 11/09/2019 09:24

complaing about whats was for dinner everyday, and im left to clean up, with no help from DSS ot partner

Why are you getting no help from your partner?

Do you both work FT? Does he split the housework? What's going to happen when the baby arrives?

sadlycindy · 11/09/2019 09:25

@Aprillygirl yes I agree, the key to all this is to communicate. The problem is stepparents can have is if the Dad is very protective of their child.

I leave any kind of discipline type actions to my husband now as he's so precious over hurting SS feelings. I will ask him to do things to help eg empty dishwasher etc, but I do feel a bit of anxiety that SS might resent me for it and that DH might too. It's all so fraught with anxiety. My SS is also very shy and sensitive, which I am not used to as all my family confront things head on. So it is hard learning new behaviours and worrying about upsetting people. I find it hard just to treat SS as I would my own son.

Janus · 11/09/2019 09:25

Mellow, I think what people have said is that a 12 year old will do this if not told to do otherwise. So tell him to bring plates down/tidy room/pick up clothes is what most people are saying BUT don’t be angry when they don’t do it, just keep repeating the instructions! No one has said she’s a ‘monster’ but I think most are exasperated that her partner didn’t do more with his son over the summer.

sadlycindy · 11/09/2019 09:28

@banana64 shame on you for enforcing your opinion on how a step parent "should" feel.

People adopt and foster because they want to, people don't fall in love with someone with kids because they want to be a stepparent. It just happens and they then have to learn how to fit into that role.

OP look up the book StepMonster. It really helps you to accept your feelings and not feel like a wicked stepmother if you don't conform to what people think you should feel as a stepmum.

thecalmorchid · 11/09/2019 09:29

I have 4 children. The youngest is 13.

You are describing exactly the normal behaviour of a 12 year old. That's something to acknowledge, he's normal!

If it wasn't for food, I'd never have seen any of my children at 12 years old.

He will be feeling a bit displaced at the moment.

Good way to help him is getting him involved in what he'd like to eat. Maybe help make some snacks like biscuits etc.

Ideally his dad needs to be reminding him to clear his dishes and put rubbish in the bin in his room.

If his dad can step up, he can insist his son goes back upstairs to bring down his dishes, if he arrives at the table for teatime without having cleared his debris.

This is how I managed my particularly grumpy 3rd child!

Good luck for your new baby, and congratulations!

nicknamehelp · 11/09/2019 09:30

Sounds like a typical 12 year old boy to me, wait till your own lil bundle hits this age.

banana64 · 11/09/2019 09:31

It's how you should feel as a human being.
You still don't get it.
You don't have to fall in love to treat a child well.

Pavlova31 · 11/09/2019 09:32

You really need to get your DP to step up and start parenting and generally helping out. As things are what on earth do you think he will be like in just a few weeks time when you have your baby. Leave everything up to you ?
Sounds like fairly typical early teen behaviour Op.Try and encourage him out of his room, help him learn about chores (ie picking up his clothes) and praise him when he does so.
He doesn’t like the meals ? Have him join you downstairs and help to cook food he likes. He gets that and a good life skill in learning to cook Win Win !
Come over to the Teenage parenting section on here too
A teenage parenting book called “Get out of my life … but not until you have driven me and Alex into town” by Suzanne Franks is available on Amazon and is a good read .
You sound like you are feeling very down in general to me Op

bellabasset · 11/09/2019 09:35

Sounds like a normal pre teen to me! So I would ask your dp what he sees as his role as a df, and discuss what activities he could encourage dss to participate in, encourage him to bring friends home.

I think that many dcs struggle when they get to university age as they haven't learnt the basic of housekeeping. So as well as discussing screen time now is the time for him to start doing the basics, from clearing the table, washing up, offering to make tea and coffee, hoovering, bathroom cleaning etc. He should change his bed for example. Would half an hour a day household chores be reasonable at his age? Talk to dp, get dss to engage as part of the family, sulks are normal.

As a kid I was always reading - still do- and would hide under the bed with a book to read.

sadlycindy · 11/09/2019 09:37

@banana64 what did I say that made you think I don't treat my SS well? I care for him and my son loves him. I want him to feel welcome here and grow up happy and look back at his childhood fondly.

As far as I am aware, all I said was that I would struggle if he wasn't well behaved. My nephew came to stay with us last year when my sister was in hospital. Now he was a very different kettle of fish, very stroppy. I found that difficult, yet I still cared for him.

SulaHula · 11/09/2019 09:37

He's being completely failed by his father....beware OP....if this is his idea of parenting it won't change for the new baby.

Nodramahere · 11/09/2019 09:40

@sadlycindy you say it ‘just happens’ , but it really doesn’t. Don’t you make an active choice to be in a relationship with a man with children? If people can’t make those children feel just as loved as their biological children then I don’t think the relationship should be happening.

Not aimed just at you btw but I’m referring to all blended families.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/09/2019 09:41

My partner was useless in giving him a structure during the holidays, or just at least getting him to tidy up after himself

Why on earth did you let this carry on for 6 weeks without speaking to your partner about this?

Poor kid. He needs a structure and boundaries. His Mum won't do it. His Dad won't do it. And by the sounds of it, you won't do it either.

If you don't ask your partner to start parenting his existing kid now, you're going to have fun when the new baby arrives.

bluebell34567 · 11/09/2019 09:43

i understand you op, its hard for you, especially that you are pregnant and will be having a baby soon. it is hard to manage your own child, when it is someone else's is more harder-because you have more boundries.
but if you try to think from his point of view, his world is quite mixed up with two new siblings on the way and his hormones at that age and school of course.
he is so young he doesnt have the capacity to get over things by himself and wont know what to do.
i think the best way is to have one on one time with him, talk to him, understand him, him understand you, rather than giving orders to him from time to time.
wish you best luck .

UndomesticHousewife · 11/09/2019 09:47

You're describing my 12 year old ds. What do you expect a 12 year old to be like?
Poor boy my heart would break if I thought my ds was being thought of like this by his own family.

hsegfiugseskufh · 11/09/2019 09:52

You have to love them as much as your own so that you don’t mess them up
What a load of old shite.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/09/2019 09:56

@MellowBird85 no-one iscsuggesting bring a lazy entitled almost teen is ok. It's just that it takes consistent effort, guidelines and boundaries to ensure that appropriate behaviours are learned.

There's a thread atm where some posters are up in arms because a poster's 12 year old is expected to wash the dishes every night. I make my kids do chores because it's how they learn to be functioning human beings. However if I didn't consistently remind them/push them/nag them it wouldn't happen.

In the OP's case it appears that her dss should magically behave like a fully formed adult (and lets face it, we have heard of plenty of male adults on MN who don't pull their weight so it's not just a dc problem is it?).

I think what people are saying is that at 12 it's common for kids to be lazy and it's up to the adults to ensure that doesn't happen. Nothing to do with lowering the bar for dc/sdc.

Aprillygirl · 11/09/2019 09:58

@Aprillygirl yes I agree, the key to all this is to communicate. The problem is stepparents can have is if the Dad is very protective of their child.

It sounds like you have a husband rather than a stepchild problem in that case. Or maybe your DH doesn't see his child as regularly as OP's does, so is more inclined to want to indulge him when he does. Personally, if my DH had a problem with me treating my stepchild the same as my own kids I would have a problem with him.

Janus · 11/09/2019 10:01

Thanks Bonjour! What I mean is you have to at least bloody try! If you take on a partner with children then it’s up to you to make as much effort as you can to have a good relationship, ok I may have worded it a bit ‘fluffy’ but I think you can understand what I mean?

thecalmorchid · 11/09/2019 10:04

@sadlycindy my four children are part of our 'blended' family. I make no distinction between them.

I have four children, warts and all. I love them all. I also want to foster children, but my husband feels four teenagers is more than enough!

funinthesun19 · 11/09/2019 10:06

If you was a mum saying you enjoyed a weekend away from your child after him lazing about all summer, people would laugh and say don’t we all feel like that about our kids from time to time. You’re entitled to feel the same way about having a break from a stepchild too.

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