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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be happyDSS didn't come and stay on the weekend?

226 replies

rubyblue40 · 11/09/2019 00:56

My partners son is 12 years old and has stayed us for the whole 6 weeks holiday; where he spent all his time on his playstation, didnt budge from the bedroom, ate all the food, complained about what was made for dinner and left a mess everywhere. His Mother didnt bother to insist he goes home for a few days during the holidays even though she had just had a baby and surely DSS would need to bond with new baby. My partner was useless in giving him a structure during the holidays, or just at least getting him to tidy up after himself. this weekend he stayed with his mum and i just felt no tension within me, i am due to have a baby anf wont be happy if DSS is going to be here lazing around in the house nextbhalf term. weekends i can deal with, half term is another story!

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 11/09/2019 05:12

None of this is your DSS fault, very typical 12yo boy behaviour.

100% of the problem lies with your DH and that’s where you need to be directing ALL of your angst.

tryingtobebetterallthetime · 11/09/2019 05:14

Do not keep things to yourself. That just fosters misunderstandings and resentment. Communicate, talk, and share with your partner. Parenting is a team effort. If you don't talk things through, they just fester. Whether you knew it or not, you are a parental role model to your DSS. Be a good one. Parent as a team with his Dad. You can do it.

lavenderbluedilly · 11/09/2019 05:19

He sounds like a normal 12 year old boy! I always feel sorry for older kids who get pushed to the sidelines when their parents need to validate new relationships by having more babies. This is the second thread I’ve seen tonight where a lad this age is disliked by a parent’s partner and it makes me feel so sad as I have a DS this age and can’t imagine him being treated like this.

Original poster
rubyblue40 · 11/09/2019 05:30

ok will to partner, about setting some sort of structure, just to make sure he tidies up after himself at least!

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 11/09/2019 05:40

Oh, you have a certain sympathy from me. Twelve is a very unattractive age, even when they are your own. But do pay attention to what people are saying about seeing it from his point of view.

Rachelover60 · 11/09/2019 05:41

Ruby is not a cow for expressing how she feels and she does care about her stepson, just overwhelmed right now.

He is a normal 12 year old boy, Ruby, will eventually outgrow this phase and want to go out with his friends.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 11/09/2019 05:43

What gets my back up, is the spoilt lazy attitude, not helping round the house, leaving dirty plated on sofa, in bedroom, dirty clothes all over the floor, complaing about whats was for dinner everyday, and im left to clean up

What gets my back up is your attitude, not your SS''s YOURS .....YOURS ....YOURS. 99% teenage boys will behave like that, he's 12, he hasn't got the faintest clue how to look after himself, your parents teach you. You say you had chores at his age, yep that was your parents teaching you. What they did was they taught you they didn't come on some forum (Yes I know forums didn't exist) shagging you off.

Stepmothers like you are the exact reason stepmothers get such a bad reputation and bad time on here and else where. You clearly resent him. Interestly it appears just him, is he the closest to his dad? Was the actual problem that your partner paid more attention to him than you?

You are delusional if you think he doesn't pick up on how you feel about him. Poor kid

Oh absolutely, as a stepchild who spent their life being resented by their stepmother and pushed further and further put of the family. I always knew how my stepmum felt.

You don't agree with your partner picking up after his kid, he's a parent, that would be parenting. There's a phase on here when some one comes in with a problem like this it's "you don't have a stepchild problem you have a partner problem" I would say that while your partner could possible do some more parenting and help set boundaries and help his son clean up. So there's a little of a the It's not a stepson problem it's a partner problem. I would actually say it's not a child that's the problem it's a stepmother problem.

Thehop · 11/09/2019 06:13

Your dss sounds like a normal 12 year old, who needs some input.

Your dp is the nob here. Good luck with your own child if he doesn’t take an interest in the one he’s got.

DriftingLeaves · 11/09/2019 06:24

Ok Look! Another thread where the vipers have a go at a step mother.

MN is becoming too predictable.

First wives club members need to get over their bitterness and not project it onto others.

blackcat86 · 11/09/2019 06:25

Your expectations of him are not age appropriate and you are effectively placing him in the position of an adult and the same as partner in saying that they should be helping you. What did you expect a 12yr old with no structured activities to be doing? Also why didnt you involve him in meal planning if he didnt like what was for dinner? It sounds like was an inconvenience and you were happy to let him know it. I say that as SM to a 15yr old DSS.

Sunflowers211 · 11/09/2019 06:26

Oh another delightful pregnant step mum.Hmm

HollyGoLoudly1 · 11/09/2019 06:26

I have a DSD and a DS. When I had my DS, not a single thing changed regarding DSD's visits. You can't suddenly stop taking DSS during half term once you have your baby.

From what you've posted, I feel so sad for that boy. It sounds like nobody is particularly bothered about him. I hope it's just coming across wrong. Unless you're exaggerating, a whole 6 weeks in his bedroom, not being taken anywhere, not arranging activities with friends, not seeing his mum once? Of course a 12 year old will play computer all day if they have nothing else to do. And are you really surprised he isn't great at picking up after himself? He's 12!

To use an MN phrase, this isn't a DSS problem, this is a problem with the adults who are supposed to care for him.

Sunflowers211 · 11/09/2019 06:28

In fact @rubyblue35 get use to it because you will be picking up after your own kid soon enough.

historysock · 11/09/2019 06:28

Sounds like fairly typical 12 year old to me.
Think how hard it is for him that he doesn't want to be at his Mums and why that might be. That's pretty sad isn't it?

Set a few ground rules with him about bringing down his dishes. If that's the worst you have to worry about you are doing well...

Bloomburger · 11/09/2019 06:29

Someone somewhere needs to start doing some parenting.

Buddytheelf85 · 11/09/2019 06:29

i am due to have a baby end of November anf wont be happy if DSS is going to be here lazing around in the house nextbhalf term. weekends i can deal with, half term is another story!

The poor poor kid. So you won’t be happy if your baby’s older BROTHER is in your house during the October half term?

I know step-parenting is tough, and 12 year olds can be arseholes. But women who choose to reproduce with a man who already has children then start going on about how about inconvenient the stepchild will be once THEIR baby arrives are pond scum, sorry!

Sunflowers211 · 11/09/2019 06:33

@DriftingLeaves projecting much?

MaybeitsMaybelline · 11/09/2019 06:33

The OPs problem is she has no understanding of 12 year olds.

ivykaty44 · 11/09/2019 06:33

Get him in the kitchen cooking
Tbh if he spends all his time in his bedroom on an Xbox he’s not causing trouble

YouMaySayImADreamer · 11/09/2019 06:39

I totally understand your frustration with the behaviour, however it is normal "teenage" behaviour ime! 15 year old dss has been the same for a number of years and your own dc will be the same one day, as will mine!

I think it is perhaps just harder when the first time you experience it, it is not your own dc.

You need to try to build some kind of rapport with him. I have a good relationship with dss, possibly because I turn a blind eye to an extent, but if he really needs to do something I will kindly tell him or drop a massive hint such as "dss do you want to get in the shower next/bring your dishes down/bring your rubbish down"? Etc. Sometimes dh and I joke about the state of his room and he laughs along.

What I have learnt is that although often teenagers don't give this vibe and won't initiate it, they do want to be communicated with. They ignore us, but don't really want to be ignored.

Perservere with him. Don't go on and on, but show an interest, ask the odd question about what he is up to, what game he is playing, or if he has had enough to eat. He will probably grunt at you a lot of the time but sometimes you'll get a hint of something back!

PositiveVibez · 11/09/2019 06:40

I think you are being unreasonable OP. For many of the reasons stated above.

The kid is 12.

You have a partner problem. Not a stepson problem.

Mums had a new baby, maybe he feels pushed out at home, but secure at your home.

Soon you will have a baby and then where will the poor kid be?

It sounds like you won't want him around at all when your 'real' baby arrives.

Please try and have a bit more compassion. I bet you acted a lot different when you first got with his dad, relishing the role of stepmum, but now it's inconvenient, you've changed your mind.

You need to speak to your partner and tell him how you feel.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/09/2019 06:40

If your partner can't even parent his own son then what makes you think he will parent your baby?

Your partner is the problem here, not your DSS. What are you going to do after the baby arrives and your partner is still leaving you to do everything?

user1474894224 · 11/09/2019 06:40

My eldest is 11 he would have been on electronics loads of left alone. However we go out, go swimming, go to the parks, libraries, on trips to museums etc etc etc So he gets to do fun stuff. He took his bike and cycled to friends to head into the park with them. And if he hated all the food it would be a case of DSS - here's £10 - can you plan, shop for and cook dinner for us all tomorrow night.... let's look at some recipes together. Then he's off the electronics and doing something fun.

Did his dad take 2 weeks holiday over the summer to spend with him? Did you have any holiday over the summer?

You have to show him how to behave and set boundaries. As does his dad.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 11/09/2019 06:41

He’s 12, if he is not shown boundaries then he doesn’t know what his parents expectations of him are.

Him leaving everything at his feet, is typical adolescence behaviour, unfortunately most kids learn by having it drummed into them repeatedly record on repeat until your ears bleed

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2019 06:43

Were both you and his father working the whole holidays? Did either of you not think to take time off and take him places?

He is a child. Children need stimulation as well as down time. It sounds as if the poor kid was left to his own devices and amused himself as a lot of 12 yo boys do on fort nite or similar for the whole time.

Did it not occur to either you and especially his father that this is very unhealthy? You are the adults responsible for him after all.

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