To be happyDSS didn't come and stay on the weekend?

[rubyblue40]

My partners son is 12 years old and has stayed us for the whole 6 weeks holiday; where he spent all his time on his playstation, didnt budge from the bedroom, ate all the food, complained about what was made for dinner and left a mess everywhere. His Mother didnt bother to insist he goes home for a few days during the holidays even though she had just had a baby and surely DSS would need to bond with new baby. My partner was useless in giving him a structure during the holidays, or just at least getting him to tidy up after himself. this weekend he stayed with his mum and i just felt no tension within me, i am due to have a baby anf wont be happy if DSS is going to be here lazing around in the house nextbhalf term. weekends i can deal with, half term is another story!

Erm in 5 weeks why didn't you parent. I do. Just say dss move your plates please and put them. In dishwasher and tidy room. If he doesn't turn off WiFi and usually this fixes the issue

What do you actually want him to do? What's the big deal if he is on his xbox? Do you want him moping around the living room?

Poor kid. A useless, lazy father and 2 step parents who dont want him around.

Twelve is a very unattractive age, even when they are your own.

Children have to be attractive to their parents, now?

99% of threads complaining about step children are just referring to normal, challenging behaviour from children. I have a teenage DS, yes he is lazy, rude and lies around in his room most of the time. Nothing to do with being a ‘step child’ but it is up to me and my DH to parent our child.

I feel desperately sad for this young man, and why on earth have a baby with someone who doesn’t even parent his own child? I despair of some people’s attitudes to having children. This poor child probably feels unloved, unwanted and pushed out of the way for a ‘new model’. .

Your kid will likely be similar at 12.

Did you or your DH do anything with him during the holidays at all?

I have a 12 yo who spends most of his time on his xbox or watching youtube and talking to his friends. He often won’t pick up his clothes or bring pots down unless I ask. If I ask a few times and nothing happens I might threaten to turn off the wifi. That usually gets him moving.

At this age they don’t see mess. Most of his friends are the same although I make him tidy if he has friends coming over. Its a condition and a good way to pursuade him to do it 😀. Actually I find this age pretty easy as a parent. They no longer need constant entertainment from you. We chat, I feed him, remind him to pick up after himself and sometimes we watch tv together. We have just finished watching stranger things. Sometimes we watch films, get popcorn etc. I can’t seem to get him to do extra jobs even for money but will settle for him picking up after himself, doing his homework and entertaining the dog for now. I almost always discuss meals with him.

I feel so sorry for your DSS. It comes across as no one wants him around. He is likely feeling this. You say he stays in his room but leaves mess everywhere. This does not make sense. Can you imagine how he feels that his mum doesn’t want him home? I cannot imagine not seeing DS for 6 weeks!

Does his dad or you spend time with him. Who works? Do either of you talk to him about what games he is playing, what friends he is chatting to etc? In term time we talk about school, his day, my day. Have you been out or away with him over the summer? Does he get 1:1 time with Dad? DS has been away once with his Dad (we are separated) for a few days plus dog walks and a theme park day and then away with me for 10 days. I also took some time off work to spend with him and the rest of the time his dad came over (he can work from home and DS is ok to be left for a couple of hours too).

We all need a break but I can’t believe you said you don’t want him there over half term! He won’t magically learn to adult. His parents need to parent. You also maybe need to lower your expectations a bit! Poor kid.

Anyone offer to take him out? Cinema? Bowling? Family trip somewhere?

Did you talk to him about 'rules? Enforce them?

Talk to him at all?

TBH sounds normal messy and in room all the time .
It's sad that he didn't want to see his mum for 6 weeks . Please make sure he's not pushed out with new baby.

Here’s a suggestion... why didn’t you parent him?

1. Undoubtedly he recognises how you feel. He actually chose to come and spend the holidays with you. what does that tell you about his home life / relationship with his mum?

1. Standard 12yo holiday behaviour. Did you ask him to put dirty dishes in dishwasher etc?

1. YABU overall.

1. Your stepson is part of the deal. You must have recognised that you’d have to do an element of parenting him when you got together with his dad.

I’m not normally so blunt but you sound whiney and quite immature. Give the poor kid some love. ‘Making him feel welcome’ is what you do for acquaintances or long-forgotten relatives. You can do better.

I’m sure your own child will be the same at 12. I never understand though why people choose to have a child with someone who is obviously an uninterested parent to their existing children 🤷🏻‍♀️

You must like the way your boyfriend treats his son otherwise you wouldn't be having a baby with him.

What is really going on here? You sound very jealous of your boyfriend and his ex's relationship.

This is what your baby will be treated like when you split with this current boyfriend.

Your poor DSS. Dumped by his mother onto people who didn’t want him. Pushed out by one baby and soon to be pushed out by another. No attempt made to take him on holiday, take him out at all even, arrange for him to see his friends or entertain him. He was probably bored out of his mind and very sad.

YABVVU.

I really hope you are exaggerating and he didn't spend 6 weeks in his bedroom. This post is so sad.

Whether it is the kid’s fault of their parents, the effects on you are the same.

Would reframing your thoughts help? Be thankful he locks himself away and you only need to deal with this when he briefly comes down to be fed? Using the time when he is around as your me time, when you leave dad and kid at home and disappear to visit your family, see friends, etc?

Now, forget about doing nice things as a family with him as even when the kid is perfectly behaved and considerate, at this age they rather staying in playing with their invisible friends in the Xbox. You can cajole a nicely behaved one to join in the fun but a spoiled one... someway I think you have used all your reserves already.

Your DP needs to start giving his son instructions then, and take more of an interest in parenting. He'll be exactly the same with your child if you don't do something about it.

DSS is a moody hormonal preteen. Your DP is a grown man who should know better.

Poor kid. A useless, lazy father and 2 step parents who dont want him around. sad.

Why wouldn’t your husband do anything? He sounds useless.

this is normal 12 year old behaviour

Really? I wasn't like this at 12.

YANBU to find his behaviour annoying.

Constantly picking up after someone and having them moan about the food you cook is annoying.

Ignore the posters saying it isn’t. They are full of shit.

Behaviour like this is annoying even if you’re the parent, being a step parent is much more frustrating as in most cases you don’t have a say.

You can’t control what your step son or your partner does.

Here is what I would do:

-stop tidying up after him. Leave it for your partner. It will be difficult but surely eventually he would pick the plates etc up? Maybe if he has to do it he might actually parent his child. With you being his lackey he won’t bother.

-tell your partner if he doesn’t make his son say thank you and be polite after you’ve cooked him a meal, you’ll just be cooking for yourself until he teaches his son manners. That’s his job.

-I wouldn’t worry about him being in his room on games consoles all the time. Would I want that for my child? No. But his parent doesn’t mind so that’s his decision if he wants to be crap. Don’t let it affect you. I’d only get involved where behaviours were directly affecting me/another child or someone who can’t speak up for themselves. If your partner wants to raise a lazy, entitled son who does nothing but play computer then that’s his choice. You can’t change that so try to let it go.

It won’t be easy but taking a step back will be so much less frustrating for you.

Really? I wasn't like this at 12

You couldn’t get the same level of addiction and aggressiveness playing Mario’s in an atari, I can assure you.

This is really sad. I have a 12 y o ds and yes he loves his PlayStation
To encourage him to be more responsible and do a bit more to help we took him to get an account- he was thrilled to have a debit card and we said we would give him pocket money and if he wanted extra he could do some jobs round the house and he’s done lots ! He’s really helpful and uses his money for snacks and buys points or whatever on the games he plays

Boys that age can get v into computer games but they are still very young and sounds like your dss could really do with some 1:1 time with his dad?
Also he needs to at least feel part of one family when it comes to a new baby so please please try to include him. My ds is so lovely with his baby brother he can sit and watch him / play with him and is very proud that i trust him to do so whilst I put dinner on etc.

I never understand why women who are first hand witnesses to their DP being a crap father decide to have a baby with that same man.

Who thinks "well he really fails at that task, so I'll set him that same task and expect him to excel at it."?

Bizarre.

P.s. to echo everyone else, it's not your DSS who is the problem here.