To be happyDSS didn't come and stay on the weekend?

[rubyblue40]

My partners son is 12 years old and has stayed us for the whole 6 weeks holiday; where he spent all his time on his playstation, didnt budge from the bedroom, ate all the food, complained about what was made for dinner and left a mess everywhere. His Mother didnt bother to insist he goes home for a few days during the holidays even though she had just had a baby and surely DSS would need to bond with new baby. My partner was useless in giving him a structure during the holidays, or just at least getting him to tidy up after himself. this weekend he stayed with his mum and i just felt no tension within me, i am due to have a baby anf wont be happy if DSS is going to be here lazing around in the house nextbhalf term. weekends i can deal with, half term is another story!

Seems like everyone is merrily having more and more cute babies but you all lose interest/ get frustrated when those babies grow up and reach less appealing ages . Sounds like the adults involved should focus on parenting the children they already have rather than creating more and more with new “partners”

I don't think I'd be that interested in a baby at 12.
OK, give it a cuddle. But really until it is walking about I doubt I'd care much.
But it's not good for him to be shut up playing games, he needs exercise every day. And that will be up to you and his DPs. Did you point out that it's upsetting to have someone moaning about their meal when you have spent X amount of time preparing. Perhaps DH could cook when DSS is here.

Why on earth get pregnant to a man who doesnt parent his existing child properly! Youre going to be doing everything.

I'm sorry your DH is such a shit parent and you are saddled with having a baby with him. Good luck.

He is a child who is clearly not being parented. You should blame your partner for not looking after him, and not the poor child who isn’t being cared for properly.

projecting much?

@Sunflowers211 not projecting at all, dear. Not a stepmother. No step mothers in the family. I'm not the sad type who projects all over step mother threads, that's the likes of you.

Some people just love to have a go because their lives are utterly bereft of anything worthwhile.

That poor kid. You're not covering yourself in glory here op.

I’m not sure what the issue is here. He’s 12 and 12 years olds tend to not interact with the family constantly. They’re just finding their independence and feel that they need their own space to do that.

Also with regards to leaving clothes and plates lying around. Just tell him to pick them up and put them where they should be. 12 year olds are lazy by nature, but most will do something if they’re asked directly, even if they moan a bit. Moaning really does come with the territory I’m afraid.

I feel for the kid. He must feel his mum doesn’t want him. Don’t push him away too, just try to set some rules with regards to picking up after himself, and accept that moaning and staying in his room are part of being 12.

Poor child

Op. Teens and preteens are notoriously lazy and selfish. They need a LOT of reminding/nagging to remember the basics. I have 3. I'm a single parent. My ExH has them for less than 30 hours a fortnight. I have all three for pretty much all the holidays by myself. I regularly have to read the riot act about dirty plates/cups/food etc.

It's irritating but it is standard. They are learning and that shit doesn't come overnight.

You sound very intolerant and the fact tjat this kid has to deal with two new siblings in close proximity WILL be having an effect.

You need to speak to your dp about this and you need to think about how you'd feel if another person was talking about your own child like this.

Your dss may be a bit lazy but he's still a kid and doesn't deserve your contempt.

Ah yes, it’s both your step son and his mother’s fault that you have made a choice to have a child with a next to useless partner.

I hope you're as horrible about your own child when they're 12.

@DriftingLeaves - so you honestly don't believe the op is being a bit harsh here?

If you don't like the way your dp parents his son, why are you having a baby with him?

Indeed

Loveless and depressing. Poor kid.

@DriftingLeaves - no First Wife here- just a former step child.

This poor boy must be feeling very pushed out. He needed someone over the summer to organise some (not everyday) activities, trips, play scheme or something. Yes they love computers but as parents you have to encourage other activities and to provide structure to the day. I'm guessing your house is marginally more welcoming than his mothers but both parents need to put effort in now because he's a teenager with severe problems from neglect

@rubyblue40 @rubyblue35 why don’t you just ask your dss to help out by taking his dishes to the kitchen? If relationship is not new then you’ve known each other long enough to have a bit of input? Explain you’re trying to keep house respectable and would really appreciate if he could just tidy up after himself. That way it’s not ‘chores’ just him learning to be responsible for himself. Thank him when he does it because it shows good manners. When you OR dp make dinner and serve it ask him to say thank you and make sure you and dp thank each other too - get him in the habit and used to seeing and showing appreciation for things. If he complains about dinner why not nicely and kindly explain that you put a lot of effort into making meals and that it’s not very kind or polite to complain - and invite him to have a say in menu planning? (Just ask what meals he does like and include one?) and ask him to help you prepare it.
I too had chores from a much younger age and therefore at 12 I would clean up after myself, express gratitude for meals made and help prepare and clean up after because I had been taught this. You can get your dss started by taking small steps, you don’t have to feel like a evil stepmum- just make sure the behaviour you want from him is exhibited between you and your dp too so he has something to model his own behaviours on.

Poor child. His behaviour is just the same as most 12 year olds. It probably won't improve any time soon either. You can help though - get involved with him, take him out, organise activities, encourage him to have friends round. Did you take him to his mother's at all to see the baby? If not, why not? I know, probably not your responsibility, but it would be a kind thing to do.

My partner was useless

Yes, yes he was. As others have said, this is your problem not your DSS.. Do you think he is going to suddenly be the perfect father/partner when you have the baby? You need to sort that out now!

He didn’t choose to have you as a stepmother. YOU chose to take him on so at least try to be nice to him ffs.

His own mother didn’t see him for 6 weeks, you don’t want him in your house, and his father sounds like he can’t be bothered. Poor boy. No wonder he wants to stay in his room.

@DriftingLeaves

Ok Look! Another thread where the vipers have a go at a step mother. who is treating a 12 year old child horribly, when she should be talking to her dp

MN is becoming too predictable. what? Because they dont like to read about 12 year old children being treated like they are optional?

First wives club members need to get over their bitterness and not project it onto others .... hmm....

Poor boy. I feel terrible for him.

In 6 weeks he could have learned to play tennis, done a swimming pool diving course, got fit in the gym. No one likes sports unless they are half decent at them - you have to start somewhere. Something like tennis or squash will set him up with a sport he can follow for life, a useful social skill, a way to mix and meet new people.

My mum remarried and had another baby when I was a teenager. I knew I wasn't wanted by my step father and my behaviour was a reflection of that. I cannot imagine how hard it is for this poor boy. He will act up, he will make things difficult. He probably chose the lesser of two evils when staying with you. I get you are stressed, I understand how you feel - but just have a thought for this utterly rejected and confused kid. He doesn't know where he belongs. Involve him more, encourage him more. Two babies are coming into his life, he will soon be completely invisible. Why can't you all just encourage and support eachother?