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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be seriously annoyed with DH's parents?

322 replies

SunshineAngel · 10/09/2019 21:29

DH has custody of his 16yo son, and the mother has access at weekends and half of the holidays. They alternate Christmases (and the other gets New Year).

This year, it's our year for Christmas, which we were looking forward to.

DH's mum has decided that herself and her partner are going away for NY this year, on a cruise. Apparently, my partner's son asked them could he go with them (he has no concept of money etc, but then again what 16yo does?) to which they said yes.

We only even got informed about this as soon as we did because they need to pay the balance, and they have asked us for £1,000 for his ticket for the week long cruise before the end of this month, and have asked us to also supply £200 spending money for him at the time.

We are not well off. They know we have £10,000 between us in savings, however the whole house desperately needs to be decorated, including a new bathroom and garden, and I don't want to spend ALL of our savings anyway. £1,200 is a huge amount out of that, yet they have worked it out among themselves that yes, he can go, and yes, we will pay. I am able to save a small amount from my wage each month, but my partner's wage is taken up by his outgoings. He had to pay DS's mother the equivalent of half of the house when they split, and has a huge mortgage as a result, and took a new job with a pay cut last year (much happier, but not as well off) so it's even more of a struggle.

The other issue that my partner raised immediately is that DS's mum should have him for New Year, and there's no way she would be happy when she found out about the holiday, as she's often difficult anyway, and would be well within her right to be with this. They responded saying they had already spoken to her and arranged for DS to spend Christmas with her as a compromise.

So not only are they asking us for a huge amount of money, but they have also decided that my partner actually doesn't get to see his own son for the whole of the Christmas holiday, when he should have been with us. Christmas is a very important time IMO, and I don't understand why they think they can take this away from us.

Just to add insult to injury, I received £3,000 in inheritance recently, and DH's mum has suggested that I can perhaps use that. I don't mean to sound selfish - and I happily give him money here and there if he wants to go to the cinema or out for some food or something - but I'm annoyed enough at the whole situation, and feel that it is even more out of order to suggest that MY inheritance should be used to pay for it. I never EVER pull this card, it's not something I dwell on whatsoever, but I am of the mindset that he's not my son, so how DARE they ask me for such a huge amount, or expect that I should just hand it over without question.

I think it's a shocking amount of money for a week's holiday anyway, but it's not an issue to them.

I just find the whole thing hugely irritating, not to mention worrying. Yes, I've been given this money, but I was planning on paying one of my credit cards off, which would really lighten my load if I could! It's not like I'm rolling in it. I have debts, which I am doing really well with, but I want them to be gone ASAP.

But now we're in the situation of having to try and get this money together (it will leave us short for what we need to do on the house - which DS will benefit from much more than a week's cruise, IMO) before the end of the month. Before I moved in, my partner had struggled with depression and had a difficult relationship with his ex, and as such things really slipped with the house, for years. I've helped him get himself back up on his feet, we're doing really well, and now we're creating a house that's truly ours, together.

I feel DH's mum should have ASKED us first, before telling him he could go with them.. as he's already really excited, and we would feel incredibly bad if it turned out he couldn't go, because of us.

We CAN do it, but AIBU to think that we really shouldn't have to?

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineAngel · 10/09/2019 21:48

@CupoTeap DS's mother? Yes she does, but he's a teenage boy, he's always growing out of clothes or needing things for college, has to pay every day for travel, so that doesn't go very far at all really.

It's my DS's mother who he's going away with, btw, not his own mother.. sorry if I was unclear.

OP posts:
flouncyfanny · 10/09/2019 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Drum2018 · 10/09/2019 21:50

For heavens sake do not tell anyone about your savings, inheritance, etc from now on. It's nobody's business but yours and Dh. I'd be very firm in saying no to this trip unless they pay. I'd stretch to the spending money as a Christmas gift but that's it.

Surely Ds is old enough now to decide where he wants to be, so the days of parents deciding who can have him for holidays etc should be coming to an end and he should have a say himself.

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2019 21:50

But now we're in the situation of having to try and get this money together

No.

No you’re not. Don’t you bloody dare!

It’s OUTRAGEOUS of them. Absolutely outrageous.

They’ve decided they can do what they like - well then, they can pay.

If your DH’s DS would rather go on a cruise with his grandparents than spend Christmas with his dad and you that’s bad enough, but to not even mention it is terribly disrespectful - he’s 16 and he lives with you, there’s no excuse. And then everyone to jump to attention and facilitate it at vast expense?

Say no. Just no. Keep saying it.

I’d be livid if my child treated me like this. I certainly wouldn’t be listening to any emotional blackmail from in-laws.

Notajogger · 10/09/2019 21:50

They sound ridiculous - and then this they keep saying we can't love him enough if we can't part with some of our savings is an absolutely awful thing to say! What on earth!

Oldraver · 10/09/2019 21:51

You have to put an immediate stop to them spending your money.

I would also be rethinking him going as they have gone about it the wrong way and his Mum may not be pleased if he s away for New Year

WhatsMyPassword · 10/09/2019 21:51

They also pick things up for him like clothes when they see them (not essentials, he has plenty), and then charges DH for them even though he never asked them to get them.

And does he pay ? is your DH a bit wet ?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/09/2019 21:52

They are definitely in the wrong. You dont agree big things like holidays with someone elses child without involving the parents. Accusing your DH of not loving him enough is just deflecting and muddling the waters. Even if you could easily afford it, they dont get to decide how you spend your money, or your Christmas!

I think though that a 16 year old should know to check with his parents that they want to pay for a holiday. The fact he didnt mention it makes me think he may be trying to play them off against you? I would actually be tempted to say to the son that you wouldn't have paid 1,000 for a cruise for him to go on with someone else and to miss Christmas. Suggest he pays 200 towards it, he can do jobs around the house if it needs a lot of work, to go towards it. Then split the remainder with the grandparents, they will surely 'love him enough' to put 400 towards it. And see if his mum will give him some spending money for Christmas.

As an aside how did they know about your 3m inheritance? It's none of their business and I would keep things like that away from them in the future

TitianaTitsling · 10/09/2019 21:53

Will he be getting his own cabin on this week long cruise or sharing with his DGP? Is there a tiny chance this £1k could be subsidising their holiday?

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/09/2019 21:54

No. And if they turn up with clothes or random stuff tell them to keep it.
Do not give them any details of your finances.

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2019 21:57

They also pick things up for him like clothes when they see them (not essentials, he has plenty), and then charges DH for them even though he never asked them to get them.

Your DH has to start saying “Please don’t buy anything for DS that you expect me to pay for without asking me first. I can’t afford to pay. If you want to treat him to things, feel free to pay.”

billy1966 · 10/09/2019 21:58

OP, definitely not unreasonable.

The absolute cheek of them to tell you how you spend your money. I would be telling them that on a loop.

Also, sometimes you have to say no to children.

I would be telling him that you weren't consulted and that it isn't going ahead.

I would also tell him you are cross that his grandmother decided something without consulting you, yet expecting you to pay.

It simply isn't possible.

Keep saying to her that it's her fault that she told grandson without consulting you. On a loop.

Very Cheeky. Set some boundaries going forward.

Deemail · 10/09/2019 21:58

I would be beyond angry. You are now going to be the bad guys saying no. This whole scenario nearly seems designed to turn your ss against you. If you refuse there could be huge repercussions on your relationship while the grand mother manages to wheel her way in.
I think this needs to be managed carefully with ds, he needs to know how hard it is for you to lay your hands on this money and that your goal is to provide the whole family with a much needed improved home and that the amount of money expected is beyond your means.
Would you offer to give cash instead of what you would have spent on Christmas gifts. Can he get a job and fund some of it himself?

Grainedmonkey · 10/09/2019 22:02

I may have got the wrong end of the stick here but if you have £10K savings and DSS has said he would like to go on the hol with his grandparents then I would be tempted to cough up. Yes they should have consulted you and his Mum before inviting him but it looks as if he is booked on already as they are now asking for the balance. They must be told in no uncertain terms not to repeat this and DSS should be aware this is a one off special trip

saraclara · 10/09/2019 22:04

They had absolutely no right to tell him he could go, and then demand money from you. And they absolutely had no right to rearrange your Christmas with his mother without asking. It's all quite unspeakable behaviour, and you should absolutely say no.

Has your DH spoken to his son to explain? Surely his son should be able to understand that he should have asked you first, and that you can't simply find £1000 out of nowhere.

VeThings · 10/09/2019 22:04

Just say no.

DS will be upset but has to understand that these things can’t be arranged without proper discussion with his dad first.

I don’t know why you’re even thinking of paying - tell the grandparents it’s not happening and no plans are made for DS and for your budget without you.

carly2803 · 10/09/2019 22:05

erm no?!
if they want him to go they pay - stand firm!

but if im honest, i wouldnt want him to go over christmas

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 10/09/2019 22:06

This is insane! They are insane!

They asked him to go?

They should have asked your permission first.

And they rearranged when you would see ds? They had no right.

Go back to the original agreement and make sure pils know how out of order they have been.

Drum2018 · 10/09/2019 22:07

The 10k is earmarked for the house/garden. Why on earth would they hand over 1k at the demand of grandparents who didn't have the cop on to ask if Ds could go in the first place.

Jarw · 10/09/2019 22:10

I find it strange that they buy things for their grandson without asking you or husband and expect you guys to pay for it. Both my sons grandparents buy him the occasional small thing like a t-shirt or an outfit etc throughout the year but as a gift, if we haven't asked for them to buy it then they would never ask for the money. Same with any holidays, my mother would love to take my son on holiday with her but my parents would pay for him to go with them if we'd let him go, though being only 20 months of age he's still a little young to go aboard with just the grandparents.

I personally don't think your being unreasonable. I think the grandparents are the unreasonable ones here. I would also sit son down and tell him the truth, as up set as he would be for not going being 16 years of age he should understand that the money is better spent on the house and other essentials to better your lives in the long run.

EL8888 · 10/09/2019 22:11

Big fat no l think. They pay if they are that fussed. Or he can if he wants to go that badly. Why do you have to pick up the tab

category12 · 10/09/2019 22:12

Your DH needs to start standing up to his parents or going low/no contact with them. It's his problem to solve.

19lottie82 · 10/09/2019 22:12

If your DSS really wants to go then surely he could get a part time retail job to pay for it? He’s old enough and the high street stores will be recruiting soon.

fedup21 · 10/09/2019 22:13

If they want him to go, they pay.

They sound horrid.

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2019 22:15

if you have £10K savings and DSS has said he would like to go on the hol with his grandparents then I would be tempted to cough up

What? We have £10K savings but if any of the grandparents told me they wanted £1,200 for the privilege of having my children go in holiday with them at great inconvenience to me I’d be declining with strong words not handing it over! Savings aren’t just ‘spare’ money - they’re for job loss, emergencies, repairs, car replacements, any number of things.

£1,200 on 1 family member is outrageous.

Imagine the teen signed up for an expensive school trip, didn’t get the permission form signed but the teachers said it was OK because they’d arranged the time off school, fucking up some other family holiday, and you HAD to pay now or you didn’t love your 16-year-old...