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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In shock

134 replies

Bristolpony · 10/09/2019 03:10

I've found out my dc(19) is in a committed relationship with a 33yo. I had to remind myself that my dc is a young adult now & free to make this choice. Aibu to feel slightly uncomfortable? I think I feel like this because of the different life stages.

OP posts:

Tartyflette · 10/09/2019 03:18

I would be concerned that they might be being exploited by the older person, in some circumstances.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 10/09/2019 03:27

Depends on how they met & how long they have known each other. Have you met their partner?
I was going out with a 28 yr old when i was 18. But this is an even bigger gap. It is a bit much.

Urskeks · 10/09/2019 03:30

Been there. It is unlikely to last due to the dynamics of age. But that doesn't mean it won't. Just be there for your DC.

Durgasarrow · 10/09/2019 03:39

It's creepy.

edgeofheaven · 10/09/2019 03:42

I would be very worried. Find out more about the partner if you can.

tolerable · 10/09/2019 03:49

tell.her/da

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2019 03:52

I would be very, very concerned. What does a 33 year old possibly have in common with a 19 year old? And if they do, they must be horrifyingly immature.

Mothership4two · 10/09/2019 03:53

My ds is a similar age. I would feel uncomfortable too.

My best friend at 18 had a relationship with a 37 yo. She now has quite major misgivings looking back.

It might work out for your dc, but you'd have to wonder what they have in common?

whitebowls · 10/09/2019 03:57

My mum met my dad when she was 18 and he was 31. Instant attraction. Were married for 50 years.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/09/2019 04:09

I have a friend who did similar, but I think the woman was even older! it didn't last more than a year though.

Depends how long they've been together and how committed they are. Once they get older, the age gap isn't so obvious or uncomfortable - but at the moment, he's very young and still going to do lots of changing, which may change the way he feels about this woman.

My DH is 9 years younger than me but we were in our late 20s and 30s when we met, so it's not such a big disparity and he'd done most of his growing up by the time we met.

TheMustressMhor · 10/09/2019 04:12

I had a BF who was 32 when I was 19.

It lasted for about a year. I wouldn't worry too much if I were you. If it's meant to be, it will be.

Monty27 · 10/09/2019 04:16

My DS is 23 and it would make me feel uncomfortable

Coyoacan · 10/09/2019 04:35

The dd of a friend of mine married a man of 57 when she was just 23. The marriage lasted for ten years and ended amicably. It takes all sorts.

Cheeserton · 10/09/2019 04:51

It's not 'creepy'. A 19 year old man knows what he's doing, whether you like their age gap or not.

FuriousVexation · 10/09/2019 04:51

Well it does break the "half your age plus 7" rule.

Koalablue · 10/09/2019 04:56

When I was 19 I dated a 30 year old.
This year we celebrated out 20th wedding anniversary.
It wasn't that my dh was immature that made us work more that I was a bit beyond my years.
I also have an almost 19 year old and would freak if they were dating a 30 year old.
Keep and eye on the situation and if it doesn't feel right speak up.

Holoqueen · 10/09/2019 05:23

The issue is not the age gap in general terms. There is 22 years between my husband and I and we have we been together for 15 years. The issue is the age gap at dc age. I had a similar relationship at that age although he was older with 2 children. I look back and realise I was very naive and he was very good at telling me everything I needed to hear. He was full of absolute bull. I was easily controllable and manipulated. I did a number of things to keep him happy that I now realise he should never have asked if me or guilted me into. No it wasn’t illegal and some relationships like this at her ages are genuine but the majority are because people this young have no life experience and so are more compliant than someone who has lived their life. DC won’t listen though. So just support. The old adage of your keep your friends close is appropriate here.

Monty27 · 10/09/2019 05:30

You can't help wondering though if at 33 as a female would you think it's right to embark upon a relationship with a 19yo.
I would've just thought it was wrong and would have and have done resisted younger men that are even just almost young enough to be my son.
That's just my perspective. Each to their own.

AstridAsterson · 10/09/2019 05:37

Personally I think it's revolting.

What sort of pathetic, stunted 33 year old would find common ground in a 19 year old?

I'm 32, and 19 year olds seems like tiny, tiny children, who only want to go out, drink, take drugs and shag. Fine in 1 19 year old, we've all been there, but in a 33 year old it's beyond tragic.

When I was 19 a 33 year old would have seemed elderly. Does your daughter have self esteem issues? Is she vulnerable?

I'd be seriously warning your (presumed0 DD) against it, whilst keeping her on side as much as possible.

CountFosco · 10/09/2019 05:43

I think large age gaps are fine when the younger partner is fully mature so there no concern about a power inbalance e.g. a 29 yo and a 43 yo is a big gap and probably won't last but I'd expect the 29 yo to be experienced enough to be able to stand up for themselves. But teenagers (and people in their early 20s) are very young adults and changing quickly and don't have much relationship experience and so the possibility of a power inbalance is greater so I'd question the motives of the older person. But last time I went out with a 19 yo I was 22 and even that felt like a significant age gap at the time!

Lovingthesunshine88 · 10/09/2019 05:45

I met my DH at 20 he was 33 but best decision i ever made. A lot of men my age at the time seemed to be on drugs which I've never been interested in in the slightest. DH was cultured
stable loving kind and funny. Almost 12 years later still not a single regret.

I think if i hadn't of met him my life could of been very different and not in a good way.

shearwater · 10/09/2019 05:46

I did the same aged 19, met him when we were both at university. We were together 4 years in all, then we split up and I met who would become DH, only 4/5 years older than me. All very amicable. No regrets about either the relationship or splitting up!

It depends on other circumstances, but I don't think his age is a concern per se.

Monty27 · 10/09/2019 05:49

I think it's a gender thing here tbh as women are considered to be more mature.
33yo female sleeping with a 19yo male feels so wrong.
Wronger than the reverse iykwim.
And yes I do know what I did there.

GlasshouseStoneThrower · 10/09/2019 05:51

Yanbu, that's a huge gap and given that she's so young, there's massive potential for an unhealthy dynamic. I also have to say that very few emotionally healthy 33yos would be interested in a 19yo. In my experience it's almost always a sign that the older partner wants someone they think they can manipulate or mould. It's not always the case, but it almost always is.

I think all you can do though is be there for your daughter so she always has you to talk to - if you nag her about it she may well close herself off or shut you out.

GlasshouseStoneThrower · 10/09/2019 05:52

Sorry, assumed your DC was female but point still stands if they're male.

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