In shock

[Bristolpony]

I've found out my dc(19) is in a committed relationship with a 33yo. I had to remind myself that my dc is a young adult now & free to make this choice. Aibu to feel slightly uncomfortable? I think I feel like this because of the different life stages.

It's one of life's fears for your child. He's still a teenager and although he gets to make his choices in life now, it could well end up in heartbreak.

My nephew is in a relationship with an older woman (9 years older) and they have a lovely family life. He was 26 though when he met her and he has always had a mature head on his shoulders.

Totally understand your shock and concern.

Meh. I can’t really judge. I was 19 & DH 30 when we met. It’s been almost 8 years, and we are married with 1, soon to be 2 kids. Loads in common and shared interests

When I was 20, I dated a 36 year old. We had a fair bit in common but it only last about 8 months due to the fact he was never interested in having kids or getting married but I was. We didn't discuss it for our relationship but in general conversations he would basically say he is happy to go through life with no children and marriage isn't a big deal for him. He's basically went through life having 3-4 year long relationships that have broken off due to the woman wanting kids or marriage.

I don't know what he's doing now, this was 9 years a go so he'll be 45 now. I last briefly spoke to him about 3 years a go and he was single after a 2 year relationship ending. I however have been with my husband for 8 years, married 5 and we have an almost 3 year son. I'm glad I never stuck with him!

@GlasshouseStoneThrower
Totally agree. Good advice.

I've friends who have an age gap if 14 yrs. I think it's ok.

But tbh chances are it's likely not to last so let them get on with it. If it does last, then good luck to them

My mum was 19 (a week off being 20) when she married my dad, aged 39. But back then (1950) 19 year olds were adults.

My dad was not a creep. He was the most gentle and kind man you could come across. And they were happily married until he died, aged 80.

My DD is 26, her DH is 40.

Doesn't bother me, it's how he treats her that matters.

I met my DH when I was 20 and he was 34, there is a 14 year age gap and we have been together for 14 years, married for 8 and have a DC. It may or may not work out...

I started dating my DH around that age (even bigger age gap). They’re both fertile adults, they’re in the same life stage as far as I’m concerned. The only reason people go on about ‘different life stages’ is because young adults have been infantilised to no end. Unless he already has a family they are very much at two ends of the same life stage.

I know a couple who met when he was 37, she was 21. They seem incredibly happy 17 years on with 3 lovely kids.

Of course I know don't her deepest thoughts - but I'm now late 40's and several of my friends have recently admitted they slightly regret their choice of partner but they were late 20's/early 30's, partner was looking for same things, everyone was settling down, wanted children, time running out etc etc. I don't think there's a perfect age or age gap.

It may work out it may not but that's the same for every relationship, even those that seem 'right'.

Certainly wouldn't say it's creepy without knowing the individuals involved.

Oh I read it as DS too!

People are assuming this is Op,s daughter and an older man I don't ,think.Op has said that ? It could be two females ,two males, or an older women and younger man?

But I agree with @GlasshouseStoneThrower my parents gave me a lot of grief an tried to keep me away. This just pushed me closer to him if anything.... don't do that mistake x

I've had relationships with older and younger men. The age gap has caused some problems such as older partners being controlling or younger partners feeling put out by my higher salary etc. If it is your house and they are not contributing to rent etc then they can't really be considered equal partners or get much of a say in how you run the household or spend your money. The inequalities cause problems but they can be resolved.

I was put under pressure to give up my career and provide childcare for one older partner. That didn't happen. Another wanted me to dress more conservatively whilst a younger partner kept buying me inappropriate clothing that made me feel like mutton dressed as lamb. One slightly older boyfriend wanted to marry and have children too soon.

Friends and family caused the most problems. When there is an obvious age gap there is a lot more focus on the relationship. People seem determined to see problems that aren't there.

As long as he is aware of being responsible and in control of birth control, there isn't much else you can do.

The balance is just all wrong. What on earth could a 33 yr old want with a 19yr old except the obvious. To feel like they’re hot shit with a very young woman on his arm and to feel like they are the dominant and experienced person, with a little woman who looks up to them. Unless she’s a really strong minded person and then it will be like some big teenage drama for this (should be) grown man which feeds into another type of misogynistic fantasy.

It’s really not a nice thing regardless. In the older days it was normal for men to be with much younger women but that was still misogyny pure and simple. But women who married (happily) into those relationships won’t recognise that either. Or will feel that their happiness makes it ok. But I’ll never be comfortable with that big age gap in the context of men and women. I’ve 8yrs between DH and I and I always fancied much older men but am so glad it’s not a much bigger age gap than we have. I was so much more vulnerable than him when we met and I was already 24 (and a very strong character compared to my peers). I wasn’t an equal to him at the time, I sometimes wonder what he was thinking.

I think I would be alarmed and just prefer her to be with someone nearer her own age. I know the gap isn't enough for him to be her father's age but could she be seeking a father figure?

I know my DM wasn't happy when my similarly-aged DSis went out with a divorcee 20 years her senior. However they have now been married nearly 30 years so these things can work out.

I have been slated for this opinion on here before but I don't think age gap relationships are harmless, particularly when one party is this young. It's a bit different if you are say 35 with a bit of life experience and your partner is 55. At 19 and 33 there will be a massive power imbalance.

I'm 30 and I cannot for the life of me imagine being in a relationship with a nineteen year old!!!

And BTW when people say oh they've been together x number of years so they must be happy - my parents, who have a twenty year age gap (mum was 18 and Dad 38 when they first met) were married 25 years before they divorced. My mum was deeply unhappy for much of their married life as Dad was controlling and always "knew best".

MyDH was engaged at 35 to a 21 yr old, he loved her and it was totally on the level. Depends on the individuals involved

@LulaLandry agree. I know two women in large age gap marriages who are very unhappy but for reasons - namely they met their DH as teenagers and have never worked or lived as independent adults - they stay together.

They are both adults, he may be a young adult but quite frankly you get 30 year old 'children' these days - I've met a fair few!
2 weeks after my 18th birthday I got together with my partner 32, we are coming up to 6 years together! He isn't a creep. If your son was a daughter, I suspect nobody would bat an eye! He's an adult and can make his own decisions, I think you're being a bit overprotective and not quite ready to accept he isn't a child anymore. He will always be your baby but time to accept he is a man now!

I've never heard of the half your age plus 7 rule anywhere other than MN!

To be honest it depends on the individuals involved.

I was 22 and DH was 43 when we started going out (we'd known each other a couple of years before that). We've now been together 22 years and married for 7. Age gap relationships aren't necessarily abusive or seedy despite what a lot of posters on MN might think.

Depends on the relationship . Ds mate (24) is in a relationship with a 40yo woman, has been since he was at uni 5 years ago. She was a barmaid in the local pub. My guess is he will dump her when he wants chidlren. It's a bit of 'look at me I'm so edgy with an older woman' thing.

I would be a bit worried but I'm not sure there is much you can do other than be supportive and make sure you are there for her if she needs you.

FWIW somebody in my family had a second marriage with a much younger woman (20+ years younger) who was very young when they met (younger than your daughter when they started dating). Although it didn't last forever (she eventually left and remarried), they were together 20 years, married for 10 of those, and still friends 40 years later.

Although a lot of older men are with very young women for sinister reasons, some are just attracted to that particular person, or just feel more comfortable with younger people: it's not always bad news.