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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In shock

134 replies

Bristolpony · 10/09/2019 03:10

I've found out my dc(19) is in a committed relationship with a 33yo. I had to remind myself that my dc is a young adult now & free to make this choice. Aibu to feel slightly uncomfortable? I think I feel like this because of the different life stages.

OP posts:
AstridAsterson · 10/09/2019 10:07

Lula Landry - exactly, there is a 15 year age go between my parents.

It’s absolute a case of misogynist, lazy and shallow father wanted a good looking woman who would do everything for him. He swept my mum off her feet with his money and ‘worldliness’ when she was vulnerable.

My mum has been miserable for 25 years, my dad does nothing and controls the money, and tries to control her constant. He ‘always knows best’

SoundsAboutRight · 10/09/2019 10:08

I am a bit suspicious about this thread. They are a first time poster (may have NC though, I guess). Hasn't come back to thread and hasn't mentioned whether it's a daughter or son... I think they are on a bit of a fishing expedition re "different rules for different genders" kind of thing.

Apologies to the OP if not. Just reads a bit odd.

dottiedodah · 10/09/2019 10:15

I dont think it is creepy ,hes in his early 30s not 50s!.Many young women are attracted to older guys ,as many younger blokes are still sowing their wild oats ,and being generally unreliable !.What is he like as a person though ,has he been married /divorced ,Is he a player ,or just a ordinary chap looking for love ?.It may not last anyhow ,but either way he should be judged on more than the date on his birth certificate surely?

JaneJeffer · 10/09/2019 10:16

I find it very weird but as they are both consenting adults there's nothing to be done.

Treem · 10/09/2019 10:17

A friend of mine met her DH when she was mid 30s and he was early 20s. His parents were most unimpressed and let her know! As a result they dont have a good relationship and dknt see their grandchild often.

She is now mid 40s and trying to get pregnant again and finding it difficult. I guess an older man might have been keener to start a family earlier but she waited until her DH was ready. Other than that they are very happy together and acknowledge how lucky they are to have their DD.

Whattodowith · 10/09/2019 10:18

33 is nothing. An old school friend of mine met her DH when she was 19 and he was 58. They’re still together now and very much in love by all accounts, her Mother was not happy for a fair few years.

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 10/09/2019 10:23

I was 20 and my now DH was 37 when we got together. I was always mature for my age and he has a young outlook; we had and still have many interests in common and the same SOH. We celebrated nearly 30 years together this year. There was nothing grim, seedy, creepy or anything similarly negative about our relationship at any stage.

ThatCurlyGirl · 10/09/2019 10:28

The issue is not the age gap in general terms. There is 22 years between my husband and I and we have we been together for 15 years. The issue is the age gap at dc age.

I agree with PP on the above. It's the gap in life experience and understand relationship dynamics that would concern me.

At 32 I've had a few long term relationships and learned a lot of lessons along the way which mean I'm now ready for a healthy relationship because I understand my own needs and boundaries, and that sometimes the right thing isn't the easy thing.

At 19 I personally had very intense and fast relationships because I would mistake drama for passion etc. I would have married partners to rescue them etc when I was 19.

BUT the difference was that my partners were of a similar age so we were kind of learning together at the same stage of our life and felt like equals.

I think you know that all you can do is be there and make sure he knows he can talk to you without judgement.

You sound like you have a healthy balance of understanding that - YANBU to feel protective of DC and therefore be wary and willing to help if DC needs it.

Thanks
AryaStarkWolf · 10/09/2019 11:00

I have a 19 year old DD and I would be very wary about a man that age wanting a relationship with her, she's still a teenager, only just started Uni. I have a younger son but would be equally creeped out if it was an older woman when he was 19

Vanhi · 10/09/2019 11:03

I'm 32, and 19 year olds seems like tiny, tiny children, who only want to go out, drink, take drugs and shag. Fine in 1 19 year old, we've all been there, but in a 33 year old it's beyond tragic.

At 19 I wasn't interested in those things at all. I was quite serious and bookish. In some ways I lacked life experience, who doesn't at that age, but in other ways I was an old soul. So I don't think it's inherently wrong but I would be wary of it. That applies whether it's a younger man, younger woman, or a same-sex couple.

Echobelly · 10/09/2019 11:12

I'd just meet the guy sooner rather than later and keep him close if you have any concerns rather than trying to dissuade. As you say, she is old enough to make her choice. I don't actually see anything icky in it - plenty of 33 year olds are living similarly to 19 year olds these days.

cjt110 · 10/09/2019 11:18

I was 17 and my now husband was 32 when we met. We've been together 15 years and married for 7.

Interestingly, I was thinking it over myself the other day and if I had a 17 y/o daughter come to me and say she'd met and was with a 32 year old, I would not be happy about it.

I think it is totally dependant on the persons involved.

Aprillygirl · 10/09/2019 11:19

God my 19yr old is still in college so it would be so weird to me if he were to get involved with a proper grown woman, and I would seriously suspect her motives and would be wanting to meet her ASAP to hopefully put my mind at rest/change my opinion.
Does she have kids do you know OP? Because I think that would be my main worry, that she would want to start a family with my DS, when his life is really just beginning, so I would be wanting him to be very very careful when it came to contraception.

SunshineAngel · 10/09/2019 11:21

There is a larger age gap between my partner and I, BUT, we only met when I was 27, which is very different to a 19yo. I would not have been emotionally mature enough at that age to date a man so much older.

However. I know for some it can work, as it strongly depends on the two individuals, and you can't say for sure he has bad intentions. Have you met him? I would encourage a meeting if not. Ultimately, though young, your daughter is an adult. I find that telling people what they should do (or who they should/shouldn't date) doesn't tend to work, so a much better idea is to get to know him and the situation, and be there for her.

It's not uncommon for girls her age to want to date an older man. I did it myself, though he was only 25. It also technically broke the "half plus 7" rule, but yet we stayed together for 6 years and the age gap ceased to matter very very quickly.

soulrunner · 10/09/2019 11:22

An old school friend of mine met her DH when she was 19 and he was 58. They’re still together now and very much in love by all accounts

It’s saved him some nursing home fees anyway.

Ravenblack · 10/09/2019 11:29

@Bristolpony YANBU. And it's not the fact there is a 14-15 year age gap, it's the fact your DC is 19, and the partner is 33. I know that 19 is legally an ADULT, but mentally and emotionally it is not, (for most.)

Would worry me yes. And what on EARTH can a person of 33 have in common with a 19 y.o.? Confused

Also, why have you been so careful to not reveal your DC's gender? OR the partner's gender?

Is this a 19 y.o. female with a 33 y.o. male? Or a 19 y.o. male with a 33 y.o. female? Or is it a same sex couple?

It would be helpful if you could give more info, (and actually come back the thread that you started.)

proseccoaficionado · 10/09/2019 11:32

I would be terribly worried, tbh.

I find it revolting and even disgusting that a 33 year old woman would even CONSIDER having a relationship with a 19 year old. What could they possibly have in common? She sounds unhinged tbh

Ravenblack · 10/09/2019 11:35

@Whattodowith

An old school friend of mine met her DH when she was 19 and he was 58. They’re still together now and very much in love by all accounts

@soulrunner

It’s saved him some nursing home fees anyway.

Ouch! Shock

Ravenblack · 10/09/2019 11:37

@proseccoaficionado

How do you know the 33 y.o. is female? Did I miss something? I looked through the thread and can only see one post by the OP - and that is the first post - and I never saw the OP mention it there...

tolerable · 10/09/2019 11:38

at 21 my "partner"was 30.my dad refused shake his hand,said "youve been around the block-dont kid a kidder".i was outraged....a child,relationship fail and sadly(buried)dad later took 3 years...took another 5 for me to realise..a 30yr old...even "playing"wi a 21 yr old...is NOT ok. 9 and 19.no

BeepBeeeep · 10/09/2019 11:38

When my son was 17, he was seeing a 36 year old woman.
I just shrugged my shoulders and waited for it to fizzle out, which a few months later it did.
Unfortunately they get to an age where you have to let them go their own way in life.

proseccoaficionado · 10/09/2019 11:40

@Ravenblack oh, so sorry! I read another comment that said DS and I got confused! Even so, unacceptable.

Ravenblack · 10/09/2019 11:48

@proseccoaficionado

oh, so sorry ravenblack! I read another comment that said DS and I got confused! Even so, unacceptable.

Oh that's OK. Smile I just wondered where you had seen that the 33 y.o. was female.

Also, I still wonder why the OP has not mentioned the genders of both people, and if it's a same sex couple, or a mixed sex one.

Are you still there @Bristolpony ???

MrsAJCrowley · 10/09/2019 12:17

To be fair, there is a 24 year difference between me and DH and we get on just fine

Happyspud · 10/09/2019 14:30

BeepBeeeep, I know if a similar story but the 17yr old got the 36yr old pregnant. It was an absolute disaster for the boy, his family and the baby.

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