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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In shock

134 replies

Bristolpony · 10/09/2019 03:10

I've found out my dc(19) is in a committed relationship with a 33yo. I had to remind myself that my dc is a young adult now & free to make this choice. Aibu to feel slightly uncomfortable? I think I feel like this because of the different life stages.

OP posts:
AstridAsterson · 10/09/2019 05:53

It's a gender thing because most 33 year old women aren't pathetic perverts, and would never consider even coming on to a 19 year old, let alone bringing one home to meet their mum.

Can you imagine?! Grin

Monkeyplanet · 10/09/2019 05:55

I'm married to DH 15 years older and at 19 was dating a 27 year old. I do regret it as it impacted my life and inundated me with problems that were beyond my years. I missed out on all the normal uni experiences because of this intense relationship with someone who was at a different life stage and had had his fun at uni. It lasted way too long. I would interfere and even ask him to take a step back as well. Im sure your daughter is convinced she knows best, but she really doesn't and may regret it like I do now. He needs to be with someone his own age or at least a bit older.

LoreleiRock · 10/09/2019 06:02

Another one who thinks it’s weird. I think older people going out with teenagers are either perverted or have very limited life experience.

CJsGoldfish · 10/09/2019 06:05

What does a 33 year old possibly have in common with a 19 year old?

Nothing.
What they do have though is life experience, practice and the years to be able to play it just right. Gross.

No 19 yr old is going to know or understand the power imbalance and just how creepy it is to have a 30+ year old wanting a 'relationship'

pinkstripeycat · 10/09/2019 06:07

23 years between my parents - no probs

Goatinthegarden · 10/09/2019 06:13

It seems strange. I’m 32 and we have 3rd year uni, 20-21 year old, students at work. They are great fun, have fantastic ideas, can seem on the same level of maturity a lot of the time and are super to work with....but sometimes they seem so young in so many ways and need lots of help, support and guidance. It would be a weird power balance IMO to be in a relationship with one.

At 17, I dated a 23 year old which I thought was great. Looking back, I was definitely far more naive than I thought I was. It’s all about stages of life - he’d finished uni two years prior and I hadn’t even started.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/09/2019 06:23

I like the fact you used life stages rather than age, because I think that’s the key thing.

I’m 33 and would struggle to think of anything I’d have in common with a 19 year old- but I have 3 kids and am pregnant. If I was still into travelling, parties and ‘experiences’ (music festivals, specific sports etc) then maybe we’d have enough in common to enjoy each other’s company.

Personally I think at that age though, it’s impossible to be at the same life stage. The differences would be too stark.

I’d not make a fuss and let it run it’s course, whilst keeping an eye that the power imbalance isn’t affecting him negatively.

pictish · 10/09/2019 06:38

I have a near.y 18 yr old son and truth be told I’d be really creeped by him having a gf in her thirties. Why does she want a young lad as a ‘partner’?

Whoever said he’s a grown man at 19 and knows what he’s doing...I’m inclined to disagree. Technically he’s an adult but that’s all. He’s not experienced or mature yet. The age gap isn’t that massive at 14 years but in terms of developmental stages, they are miles apart.

Would not like.

I would be worried he was being taken advantage of.

YouJustDoYou · 10/09/2019 06:42

A 33 year old man with a young woman is just thinking with his ego/penis. What possibly could they have in common? What else could he possibly see in her? Apart from himself?

Pringlesfortea · 10/09/2019 06:47

My 19 yr old was with a 24 year old ,he ran the relationship on his terms and I didn’t like that ,hers was only a 5 year gap ,but it still gave him an advantage..hopefully she will dump him soon

pictish · 10/09/2019 06:48

“In my experience it's almost always a sign that the older partner wants someone they think they can manipulate or mould. It's not always the case, but it almost always is.”

I’d have to say that this is my experience of such relationships too. That doesn’t paint a complete picture of course but means that I’m inclined to view such a dynamic with suspicion.

KissyThief · 10/09/2019 06:49

As a mother your allowed to be worried but you have your let your child make their own mistakes as a adult.

StarKazan · 10/09/2019 06:49

I was in a relationship with a 32 year old at 19. It didn’t last long but it wasn’t creepy. He was a friend of a friend so (most of my friendship group were older than me, I’d had to grow up quick) it wasn’t weird xx

sueelleker · 10/09/2019 06:56

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 30; and got married when I was just turned 21. We've now been married for 44 years.

SoupDragon · 10/09/2019 06:59

I would be concerned that they might be being exploited by the older person, in some circumstances.

This.

I would give them the benefit of the doubt but this would be a worry for me.

thisisthetime · 10/09/2019 07:01

When I was 19 I dated a 31 year old for 3 months. We were good friends first which led to the relationship but it fizzled out quite quickly in the end. It wasn’t creepy. I was mature for my age as many people are as an adult and I would not say he was immature at all.

Unless you have concerns about the individual they’re dating specifically or any aspect of their relationship I wouldn’t worry about it. You being overly concerned will likely push them closer together anyway.

LaBelleSauvage · 10/09/2019 07:01

I think it depends on the maturity of the 19 year old. 2 scenarios:

If they are 19 and in 2nd year of university living away from home and say the 33 year old is a PhD student doing the same subject and they met at a seminar they were both attending... i think... fine.

If the 19yo is living at home just out of school with their mum still doing their washing... and was approached by the 33yo out with work friends in the pub while 19yo was at someone's 18th birthday party with 18th balloons and a cake... maybe less fine.

SunshineCake · 10/09/2019 07:03

I think the OP has been worded very carefully so that posters assume it's younger woman, older man but will swoop in and say it is the opposite. Or else it is a post to drop and run for a newspaper article. It's worded very oddly if genuinely about her daughter.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 10/09/2019 07:05

I was in love with this age gap at 19-21. I didn't feel the age difference at all. By the time I was 33, I looked back and thought 'WTF'?

NewStart571 · 10/09/2019 07:07

Hmm, I’m a similar age to the older partner in this situation.

I cannot imagine any circumstances in which I would date a 19 year old.

DistanceCall · 10/09/2019 07:15

What do they have in common?

Sex, obviously.

It will probably pass. But all you can do is tell your son that you're there for him if he needs you. He's an adult now and can make his own decisions (good and bad).

DistanceCall · 10/09/2019 07:17

Sorry, I have no idea why I assumed that the OP's child is a man.

Still applies, though.

Ringdonna · 10/09/2019 07:25

Let’s be honest it is a sex thing, most men will go for younger, slimmer, more attractive women if they can. Not so much the other way around although on the swingers site we are on there are many older women into younger guys.

AstridAsterson · 10/09/2019 07:31

Ringdonna - yes, but what’s in it for the 19 year old woman? Sex with a man in his 30s as opposed to another hot 19 year old?

These men use their life experience and financial power to manipulate young women into these ‘relationships’. Just because some lead into long marriages (where I would bet my house the younger woman does the lions share of the housework, childcare and emotional load) doesn’t mean they aren’t problematic and frankly awful.

AstridAsterson · 10/09/2019 07:34

ANd the only situation where the situation is reversed I’ve heard of goes like this:

33ish year old woman, 2+ kids, recently single after long term relationship. Very vulnerable

Meets 19 year old man on night out, have sexual relationship.

19 year old man moves in, woman treats him like another child. He plays xbox, has all his meals cooked for him, does sweet fa and pays for nothing. Woman thinks he will be good father as he plays with the kids and they get on.

They have another baby. 19 year old quickly fucks off.

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