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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In shock

134 replies

Bristolpony · 10/09/2019 03:10

I've found out my dc(19) is in a committed relationship with a 33yo. I had to remind myself that my dc is a young adult now & free to make this choice. Aibu to feel slightly uncomfortable? I think I feel like this because of the different life stages.

OP posts:
shearwater · 10/09/2019 07:37

Sex with a man in his 30s as opposed to another hot 19 year old?

Sex with an experienced man instead of a teenager? Yes please, every time.

Sunflowers211 · 10/09/2019 07:37

There is 13 years between my parents and they have been married over 45 years!

MaybeitsMaybelline · 10/09/2019 07:37

I assumed the DC was female, we don’t know either way do we?

Still makes me uncomfortable whichever way it goes.

Loveislandaddict · 10/09/2019 07:38

I can see it from both angles.

As a mum, i’d be concerned by the age gap as well.

However, as a teen, I dated (and fancied) older men, 10-12 year gap, and hung around with older people. They were just my mates, regardless of the age gap (although I do like back with and sometimes wonder at myself).

What is the dp like? Similar interests? How did they meet?

Get to know the person abefore making a judgement.

Madhatterhouse · 10/09/2019 07:40

When I was 18 I dated a 32 year old for two years. It was a great relationship and we parted amicably. Re: different life stages, we both ended up settling down and getting married (to other people) at around the same point a few years later sonwe weren’t actually at stages in life that were that different.

SeaViewBliss · 10/09/2019 07:47

Well it does break the "half your age plus 7" rule.

What? Never heard of that ‘rule’. What does it even mean?

Whatsforu · 10/09/2019 07:47

It depends on the situation and maturity of the younger one. People are not always automatically going to be attracted to their own age group. I think some views are extreme oh its creepy and vile get a grip!!!!
In this sitation it will either run its course or be the romance of the century, either way op you can't control your adult dc life.

KUGA · 10/09/2019 07:50

I wouldn't worry tbf.
I wouldn't say anything either as that would more than likely make dc stay with whoever.
Like you say your dc is an adult and it won`t last

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/09/2019 07:53

I misread the op I thought it said ‘ds’ not ‘dc’. Same applies though.

KnifeAngel · 10/09/2019 07:56

We were the same ages. Now been together 23 years with 2 children. A lot of people are so judgemental about age gap relationships but they can work out well.

AnnaMagnani · 10/09/2019 07:59

Like others I have been there. Mine was 27 and I was 17.

The age difference 'just didn't matter to us' and 'I wasn't attracted to blokes my age'.

My parents were supportive and let him stay over. He was OK. Until we split up and got back together again and revealed himself to be a creepy shit.

Looking back it was red flag city. As was boyfriend number 2 but I actually learned from that one - had fun, rather than just a load of moping Grin

ReanimatedSGB · 10/09/2019 08:08

Thing is, there is nothing you can do about this and you have no right to interfere. Keep your beak out but be there for your DC if necessary. It may be an enjoyable, short-term fling which the DC will look back on with fondness in later years. It may be the early stages of a happy relationship that can last a lifetime. Or the older partner may be selfish or predatory. The thing is, partners of similar ages can also be abusive. Make sure your DC know the red flags, and that they can always come to you. Butting in, wringing your hands and going on about what other people think is futile and stupid, though - your DC will decide that you are an old fart who doesn't understand and, if the partner is dodgy, you trying to see them off will result in your DC cutting you off.

JacquesHammer · 10/09/2019 08:12

I had a simile age gap at that age.

Wasn’t creepy in the slightest - we met through a mutual hobby. I wasn’t into the going out and getting wasted culture at all.

We dated for around 6 months then it fizzled out due to finding it hard to find time to see each other. We remained friends until he sadly died young.

He treated me with far more respect that boys my age - I think that was the attraction!

Rachelover60 · 10/09/2019 08:20

She's an adult, there's nowt you can do about it. If he's a decent enough person, why worry? It may not last anyway, not many people are still with the same person they went out with at 19.

There's no doubt about, some girls really want/need an older man and if they find a good one, that's OK. My cousin did and they were very happy, he (Jim) died of cancer when she was 40 which was heartbreaking for her but there's no doubt the relationship was a good one for twenty years (she has been with someone else now in her own age bracket for a long time, he was a friend they she and Jim had known for years. If you go to her house, there are still two photographs in frames of her and Jim; her current partner really liked Jim).

I understand your concern but it really depends on what the chap is like. Meet him, if you haven't already, and assess the situation then.

BurningTheToast · 10/09/2019 08:22

As others have said, whatever your misgivings you can't do much about it beyond making sure that your DC knows the warning signs.

Personally, I was in a relationship for about a year when I was 20 with someone who was 34. And it was fine - he wasn't predatory or abusive, he didn't pursue me in a creepy way, and we had a lot of fun. We broke up because things needed to change for external reasons and I wasn't ready for more commitment. I still remember him fondly - he made the best bacon sandwiches and was the only man who's ever been able to beat me at Scrabble.

It didn't damage me in any way and I've been happily married to DH (exactly my age) for twenty years. It will probably fizzle as they realise that they haven't got enough in common but it might last a lifetime. Just keep a weather eye. I see why you're worried though - I have a DS18 and would be very unhappy in the same situation.

Ludoole · 10/09/2019 08:29

I was 18 and my ds's father was 35 when we met. We lasted 10 years.
My next partner was a year younger than my ex and became my husband. We were together 10 years before he passed aged 56.
My current partner of 3 and a half years is the youngest I've ever had and I'm now 43 and he's 56.
Like all relationships, some will last, some won't.

Lovemusic33 · 10/09/2019 08:30

I know someone who was 16 when she started seeing a man in his late 40’s (he was married at the time), they stayed together and had children but he then died leaving her with 2 young children to bring up Sad.

I dated older men when I was a teenager and eventually married someone 11 years older than me, we stayed together for 10 years before I realised that we had nothing in common other than raising kids together. The split was amicable.

ScrambledEggForBrains · 10/09/2019 08:31

my Mil is 13 yrs older than my Fil (Mil’s 2nd marriage) they’ve been married for 40 yrs you can’t help who you fall in love with.

GinNotGym19 · 10/09/2019 08:33

I went out with a 25 year old when I was 16. My parents didn’t say anything, I probably wouldn’t of listened to be fair. It was a really bad idea, he was controlling and I was very naive! It lasted 2 years though and not something I readily admit to now!
I’m early 30s now and wouldn’t date someone early 20s let alone a teenager! If my ex started dating a 19 year old I wouldn’t be impressed and would question his motives! Not that I think he would do this! Most men in their 30s wouldn’t date a teenager so you are right to be worried

Divebar · 10/09/2019 08:34

I should imagine the main risk is the number of UTIs she’s going to contract. I don’t think there’s a 19 year old in the land who’s going to listen to his / her mum about these concerns ( or anyone else on this thread for that matter). I’m sure many of us had liaisons at that age that looking back we think were bad choices but that comes for being young and trying new things. There are definitely worse things to worry about.

WonderWomansSpin · 10/09/2019 08:34

I'm quite sanguine about age gaps in relationships. My concern would be why you had to 'find out' ? It implies they were being secretive. I'd also want to know when they first met. As a PP said, if they've recently met then fine. If the older person knew the younger when they were under-age and groomed them - obviously not fine.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 10/09/2019 08:43

I would probably feel slightly uncomfortable too. I'd want to meet the older person to see what the relationship is like but ultimately, they're both adults and I don't think I would voice any opinion unless I saw evidence of anything that concerned me.

MaxNormal · 10/09/2019 08:45

I don't like people saying it's okay if it's the woman who is younger. Not all of us were mature at 19. I have ASD and took a very long time to grow up and was pretty young and vulnerable at 19.

amusedbush · 10/09/2019 08:53

My ex is 34 and dating a 19 year old. I think it's gross and creepy.

When we got together I was 17 and he was 22, which raised a few eyebrows. Clearly he still enjoys swimming in the teenage dating pool Envy

Sweetpeach3 · 10/09/2019 08:59

I met my DH at 17, he was 32.
He spoilt me rotten an treated me like a queen. I fell head over heals an it progressed rather quickly.
I regret it now and I feel undermined as he's older and always "knew better " I wish I lived my life first then settled down and had my kids

I love him and our kids the world don't get me wrong just wish I did it differently. Hope your okay. Just support him and hopefully his mates can show him what life is really like at that age. Not to have an older partner x