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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 09/09/2019 20:46

It was allowed when I had my last and was a godsend (not now though as friend has told me). I was in a room with one other lady who also had her partner staying. I was catheterised so having DH there to help meant freeing up valuable staff time. He had a pull out chair. It was made clear he was not to shower but could use the loo. I didn't give a monkeys about the other bloke, barely saw him as we both had curtains around our cubicles. Can't really see what all the fuss is about. It was a very good bonding experience for DH and I.

Justaregularmum · 09/09/2019 20:47

After having an emergency section in the middle of the night after 4 days in labour my husband was allowed on the ward for 5 mins. The midwifes came to me once in the night and told me off for falling asleep with baby on my chest.. I couldn’t move. Buzzer had fallen off the bed and I was still hooked up to catheter etc. When I eventually managed to get up and try and go to the toilet the next morning I collapsed in the toilet and luckily my husband had arrived back on the ward and caught me. I had a bad infection and felt horrendous .. skip to 2 years later next child.. failed vbac so unplanned section.. thankfully dh could stay with me... he was the one that changed the first nappy, he is the one that noticed I kept passing out whilst laid in bed and he is the one that managed to get the midwifes to realise I was poorly... one blood transfusion later and a traumatic couple of days I thank god he was there with me.
I am pleased you had a lovely birth that resulted in you being able to look after your baby but I can assure you the other mothers on the ward were the last thing on my husbands mind when he was there with me and I was pleased he was the one to help me.

Boobindoop · 09/09/2019 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AudTheDeepMinded · 09/09/2019 20:47

And actually having DH there meant he could close the curtains after the midwife. Also, you do all realise that partners visit during the day, you know, when you also may have your tits and fanny out?

stucknoue · 09/09/2019 20:47

I would have preferred if they just sent me home, there's no need to stay overnight for easy deliveries like I was fortunate to have. The overnight stay is good for complications and vulnerable mums but no need otherwise - keep the beds for those who need them

timshelthechoice · 09/09/2019 20:47

WHY are we so supporting of communal wards in this country? Why is the idea so accepted?

Fuck knows! Glasgow built new, massive, state of the art hospital. ALL side rooms except one area, want to take a guess which? That's right, a fucking postnatal ward.

StrawberryDaiquiriPlease · 09/09/2019 20:48

I remember that first night. I was stinging because of the stitches so I think there was a bath or a shower there which I used. And I spent the whole time with my baby. And DP came back the next day. That was fine. I didn't get looked after by anyone. But it was good to have a little time with DS although I got absolutely zero input from anyone, so I didn't breastfeed because the baby didn't cry and I was tired. Then DP turned up with all his family visiting.

Dandelion1993 · 09/09/2019 20:48

I needed my dh the second time.

I'd had a section and struggled to lift my 9lb baby while still unable to walk. It was much quicker and less disruptive for the ward for him to deal with the baby (especially at night) instead of her screaming while I pushed the buzzer and waited for a midwife.

On our ward every mum had the dad stay. I wasn't bothered by them. We kept the curtains closed when we wanted privacy and actually, it was great conversation and support from all. The dad's really helped each other and were happy to help any of the mums if needed. While my dh took our eldest to school (stayed in a few days), one of the dad's helped me walk to the shower room as I was still wobbly.

Those early moments are precious and should be experienced by both parents.

Teateaandmoretea · 09/09/2019 20:48

Maybe everyone could all just agree post natal wards are the most inconvenient, uncomfortable, stressful hideous places ever🤷🏻‍♀️.

Absolutely. I stayed for 1.5 nights in one 10 years ago and DH couldn't get out fast enough. I don't see why he should have got away with it so easily personally 😂. I enjoyed it so much I had a home-birth with my second.

But on balance yanbu, having 6 men in there too alongside the 6 women and babies would have made it even worse.

HepzibahGreen · 09/09/2019 20:48

Why do we accept that the rich are allowed decent care, because they can afford it, but not your standard tax-payer? Why is that?

OK. Yes. But then why do we allow that a woman with a supportive husband gets care and a woman without one just suffers? Surely we need proper staff not just care for the married and or partnered?

Original poster
Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 20:49

I didn’t have a “lovely” birth! I had a c section and was also in pain and remember struggling to pick up my son.

But I also recall being very upset at the lack of bloody privacy and dignity. And I was thankful that it was only another woman who accidentally got a view of my bits

OP posts:
FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 20:49

I completely disagree, any parent can stay with a child, so why can't a father stay with his baby.

Thankfully some hospitals are starting to allow them, maybe we'll get there.

Teateaandmoretea · 09/09/2019 20:50

I needed my dh the second time.

Surely your other child needed him more though...?

Original poster
Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 20:51

@timshelthechoice. I forgot that the new hospital was wards for post natal!! Why the fuck did they make that decision?

OP posts:
DMP123 · 09/09/2019 20:51

I would have been really upset if my partner couldn't have stayed to me I was really shocked and overwhelmed. My partner was my rock. It was my first baby no previous experience with babies it took a few weeks for me to have the confidence to have the baby on my own. Sometimes you just want that someone there. Xx

Bodicea · 09/09/2019 20:52

I was told fathers could stay on the ward at my pre op for my third baby. This was apparently a new thing and hadn’t been in any of the literature ( I checked). I was so upset. Dh couldn’t have stayed due to other kids and I already was stressed at the though of being on a noisy ward with others. The thought of men there too overnight sent me over the edge. My prep was on the Friday for a Monday section and I had a complete meltdown over the weekend. It totally ruined my last few days of pregnancy.

Spoke to a pregnancy service advocate I was put in touch with who first of all tried to talk me out of a section and said mothers like the help of their partner. I said that’s the job of the staff. She acted like I was being facetious. Seriously in what other area of medicine are family expected to look after patients overnight? It is totally being done to cut down on the need for staff and we will never get them back if we don’t stop this now! Advocate told me to focus on the need for privacy to help me bond in breastfeeding.

On the day I voiced my concerns and as it was quiet they said if I could walk about by the end of the day I could have a private room. I practically dragged myself out of bed and kept walking in front of the nurses station, feeling like I might collapse but it did the trick and I got one. Without the private room I couldn’t have coped.

FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 20:52

Surely we need proper staff not just care for the married and or partnered?

well, obviously, but no one prevents another mum to have her mother/sister/best friend with her.

Mothers with several kids are more likely to be left alone because dad is staying to look after the existing ones! but being single has never meant you were alone. Allowing fathers of the baby would mean allowing you to chose your mum - or whoever -instead. You can chose your birth partner already, so that's a non issue.

Fauxgina · 09/09/2019 20:53

Yabu I'm sorry.

I literally gave birth to the most precious thing that I could ever conceive of, through the most undignified horrifying process imaginable and had to deal with the baby and MYSELF all on my own hours later.

A partner would have been a blessing.

Only a world built for a man would think it's acceptable to put up with. I appreciate the answer is private rooms so if that's what needs be, then fucking yes already.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 09/09/2019 20:54

YADNBU - it's horrendous. When I had my 2nd, there were men staying on the ward & an over riding memory is having to walk to the toilet pushing the baby in his cot in my blood soaked night gown & the bloke beside me just looking at me. Was horrible.

Plus he talked non stop all night to his partner, so I got no sleep at all, even though my baby was quiet.

Truly fucking horrendous & shouldn't be allowed whatsoever - women at an extremely vulnerable state having to cope with strange men in the middle of the night. Can't believe anyone thinks this is acceptable & staggers me that it is still allowed.

Tippety · 09/09/2019 20:54

Yanbu. All of you who couldn’t cope without your husbands what about the mothers who are single? Apart from putting up with random men they are having the fact they have no support ribbed in their faces.

A family member or friend? I would have happily had someone other than my partner stay overnight to help out, but it had to be the birthing partner for some reason, and no way was he missing out on being at the birth of his child. If this isn't possible then the staff are slightly more available if others have help to help them. It isn't about rubbing anything in their faces, or cooing all happily over baby. The sad truth is, is that people need someone there to do basic but important things for both baby and mother. If my catheter hadn't been emptied by my DH (rang the bell several times previously, it either wasnt answered or someone popped their head around the curtain to tell me it wasn't their job) I would have had lasting damage. I also wouldnt have been able to feed or change our baby, not ideal for a newborn. Maybe it's selfish that I didn't want myself or my baby to be at risk, but if so I am happy to be selfish. The ideal scenario of course is more staff, but until that happens I would have my husband in with me overnight everytime.

timshelthechoice · 09/09/2019 20:55

Why the fuck did they make that decision?

Misogynist twats.

FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 20:55

Glasgow built new, massive, state of the art hospital. ALL side rooms except one area, want to take a guess which? That's right, a fucking postnatal ward.

how depressing that we do treat new mothers like absolute shit in this country, it's unreal. When you know that decisions are made by women just as much as men, it's even more depressing.
It's not a male vs female issue, it's a "super rich" vs "the rest of the world' one.

Dandelion1993 · 09/09/2019 20:55

@Teateaandmoretea

it was the tail end of half term and our eldest was perfectly fine, safe and well with my parents and enjoyed being treated by them. They also took her shopping for a present for her baby sister.

HepzibahGreen · 09/09/2019 20:55

Seriously in what other area of medicine are family expected to look after patients overnight? It is totally being done to cut down on the need for staff and we will never get them back if we don’t stop this now

This x 100^^

Sizeofalentil · 09/09/2019 20:57

I had a c section, so couldn't move or sit unaided. I was unable to reach my baby or lift her.

The nurses were too busy to help me and didn't respond to me pressing the buzzer.

I had to stay for three nights and wouldn't have been able to cope without my dh there to essentially nurse me (once the catheter was out, I was unable to get up to go to the toilet even. And I wouldn't have been able to get my own food and it wasn't brought to us).

The midwives encouraged partners to stay for this reason.