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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:
FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 20:58

women at an extremely vulnerable state having to cope with strange men in the middle of the night.

but having to cope with strange women is fine to you?
I had a bitch who spent hours talking on her phone, loudly. Another, in amazing shape, wearing a micro nightie (quite impressive for someone who just gave birth), walking up and down and trying to get everyone to make a fuss about her...

I am lucky, I didn't get the violent ones throwing abuse like some posters have experienced!

Women are just as bad as men. Being in a female ward make no one safe, private or dignified.

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 20:59

It’s quite normal on children’s wards.

We should be grateful I guess you get booted out far too early with a lot of other procedures. I was expected to take a day off work to care for dp at home after his hernia.Hmm

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 09/09/2019 21:00

But that's to cover the shortfall in staff @Sizeofalentil with no thought or concern for the well being of other women who are also at their most vulnerable & very uncomfortable with this situation.

isabellerossignol · 09/09/2019 21:02

I would have moved heaven and earth to have had my husband with me after the birth of my first child because the post natal 'care' was truly shocking. I lay in a pool of my own blood and my baby's meconium for almost 48 hours as I was too weak to stand up and no one offered to wash me.

But in reality I know it's not actually a good idea. Many men are not lovely quiet supportive partners, they are loud and inconsiderate and intimidating to the mothers on the ward. It doesn't matter if there are six beds in the bay with five lovely partners, it only takes the sixth one to be an arse hole and it results in everyone's already poor care being compromised further.

More staff is the answer. But no one in power cares about mothers.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 09/09/2019 21:02

I couldn't disagree with you more strongly @FrauHaribo. I'm much happier in the company of strange women when I'm vulnerable than I am in the company of strange men.

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 21:02

So those who have had a c/ s should go hungry?

AudTheDeepMinded · 09/09/2019 21:03

The only difference in men being there at night it is that it is dark outside! Logically, all those objecting are actually advocating a total ban on men in post natal wards. You do exactly the same at night as you do during the day on a post natal ward with a young baby, feed, sleep, change nappies, go to the loo, wash etc. The world has gone insane!

cadburyegg · 09/09/2019 21:05

When I had my first baby I thought it was outrageous that my DH wasn’t allowed to stay on the ward. I would have appreciated his help, but looking back it wasn’t essential - I managed on my own, even though DS1 was the baby who cried all night and the midwife got annoyed with me even though I only buzzed twice. I’d had a pretty awful birth and episiotomy and the stitches fell out.

When I had DS2 we had moved house so we were in a different hospital where the rules were different. I was induced and DH could stay with me on the antenatal ward. Great! I thought. Except the option for him was an uncomfortable chair where he got barely any sleep anyway. Because all the other women’s partners were also staying it was noisy, the partner of the woman on the bay next to me watched Eastenders on his iPad all night with no headphones. I also went into labour very quickly in the induction ward and my waters broke which was quite embarrassing especially because there were men listening to all that was going on. DS2 was born less than 30 minutes later - thankfully on a delivery suite.

The next night on the postnatal ward, DH had had about 1 hours sleep on aforementioned chair and his back was agony so I told him to go home and get some sleep so he was in a fit state to look after the 3 of us. All of the other partners stayed and I was surprised how vulnerable I felt even though I’d had a pretty good birth. Having to grab maternity towels and dash to the toilets with blood dripping down my legs. One of the partners was a hindrance rather than a help, spending most of the time moaning on the phone to his parents about how they hadn’t been discharged yet and moaning about how useless the staff were. DH came back at 10am and stayed for the day until we left and that was totally fine. Fortunately I’d had an straightforward birth this time so we only had to stay for 24 hours.

So on balance I agree with you. YANBU.

Genderfree · 09/09/2019 21:05

Vanilla -

“But sure, as long as you don't have to be inconvenienced by a man being by someone else's bedside. A man who couldn't give two shits about you or what you're doing. As long as you're fine, fuck anyone who has a hard birth and doesn't get to skip home the next day.”

What an awful attitude you have. I didn’t have an easy birth, large blood loss actually and I tore rather badly. Sent husband home, not fair on the other women, you know the actual patients. I’m sure your husband is lovely but guess what, other women don’t want to walk passed him when they have a catheter in situ or have him behind the curtain when they’re on a bed pan. Nursing staff aren’t bouncers they shouldn’t be in a position where they have to defend patients when things go wrong.

Teateaandmoretea · 09/09/2019 21:05

I had a c section, so couldn't move or sit unaided. I was unable to reach my baby or lift her.

Partners are not the answer to shit care. What if you don't have one or he needs to look after other dc?

It's all shocking tbh the extent of the acceptance of this race to the bottom. If men had babies it would be different.

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 21:07

Have dads in freed up nurses the same as happens on the children’s wards. I cared for my son all night freeing up nurses to care for the kids without a parent.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 09/09/2019 21:07

It's very different @AudTheDeepMinded - surprised you don't understand that Confused

MonChatEstMagnifique · 09/09/2019 21:08

Seriously in what other area of medicine are family expected to look after patients overnight?

Although I agree that it will partly be due to costs, it is different in that the woman has just given birth to the mans child so there is a reason for him to be present and help. My babies didn't really need to stay in hospital but I did so obviously they stayed with me. Not that the midwives helped me or my babies much, but if they had, they could have just looked after me and not my baby had my partner had been able to be there as he could have looked after our baby.

Slink01 · 09/09/2019 21:08

@isabellerossignol but surely the answer would be for security to remove that one man. Why should 5 other couples have to loose out just because one bell end is behaving irresponsibly.

I completely agree that private rooms should be the norm for post natal wards (we were lucky that we had one at pinderfields on the labour ward and my wife didn't have to stay)

The majority of us are decent, well mannered people who wouldn't dream of causing any distress or discomfort to anyone. I was so privileged to be able to support my wife throughout the labour and be with the two most important people in my life when DD arrived.

TheCatInAHat · 09/09/2019 21:08

I had a CS and asked my husband to go home at night as there was no point in us both being exhausted. I realise others recovering from CS might prefer their partner there or not manage physically. I didn’t mind other men on the ward too much but would have preferred women only (think the opioids took the edge off anything I was feeling).

AudTheDeepMinded · 09/09/2019 21:09

Please explain the difference then @InvisibleWomenMustBeRead (but in very simple words, with maybe a few pictures?)

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 21:10

It isn’t Invisible. You basically don’t want dads on wards at all do you.

elliejjtiny · 09/09/2019 21:11

YANBU. We need more staff not partners staying. First partners are allowed to stay, then they are expected to stay and the women who haven't got partners who can stay lose out. I got more care as the parent of a 6 year old child on the childrens ward than I did as a patient on the postnatal ward who had just had major surgery.

isabellerossignol · 09/09/2019 21:13

@isabellerossignol but surely the answer would be for security to remove that one man. Why should 5 other couples have to loose out just because one bell end is behaving irresponsibly.

But it could take hours to have someone removed. When my sister was in the postnatal ward a man had to be removed because he was drunk and abusive. It took all the staff on duty to stop him from assaulting the mother, the baby fell on the floor in the ensuing chaos, security came and couldn't move him as they have very limited powers really and then the police had to be called. And of course the police are busy so they took a couple of hours to get there. So that was an entire bay of women and babies being deprived of staff for several hours just to remove one man.

HumphreyCobblers · 09/09/2019 21:13

The only difference in men being there at night it is that it is dark outside! Logically, all those objecting are actually advocating a total ban on men in post natal wards. You do exactly the same at night as you do during the day on a post natal ward with a young baby, feed, sleep, change nappies, go to the loo, wash etc. The world has gone insane!

No, women should be allowed to sleep without strange men feet away, only separated by a curtain. They should not have to share bathroom facilities with men. They should not have to listen to men snoring in chairs all night. There should be enough staff to look after women overnight and in the day. Men should be allowed in during reasonable visiting hours, then sent home so women can recover in peace, with appropriate care from trained staff.

AudTheDeepMinded · 09/09/2019 21:16

Well, you'd better ban all post natal women from sleeping during visiting hours then.
And BTW women snore too, and babies cry all night, perhaps ban them, Oh wait...

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 21:16

So Isabelle all visiting men are drunks and all women perfectly well behaved.

Gender is neither here nor there as regards anti social behaviour.Hmm

Teateaandmoretea · 09/09/2019 21:17

women should be allowed to sleep without strange men feet away, only separated by a curtain.

People sleep on the post natal ward? Well I never, that wasn't my experience.....

FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 21:17

I'm much happier in the company of strange women when I'm vulnerable than I am in the company of strange men.
what about other patients who feel vulnerable around strange women? I really am not.

The only difference in men being there at night it is that it is dark outside!

quite.
On other wards you might have a night and day. Postnatal wards are the only ones with no such concept! Women turn up at any time, because we give birth around the clock. Newborn have no concept of night and day yet either. There's absolutely no difference between day and night for an exhausted, bleeding and in bad shape new mother.

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 21:17

If you’ve given birth at night you’ll be sleeping in the day soo no men during the day then.