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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:
DoctorAllcome · 09/09/2019 20:18

And no, I do not agree the answer is to hire more female staff to do what women’s partners do if that means banning partners. It is good to have some staff for women who do not have a partner or one who cannot be there, but it’s wrong to exclude fathers from this space simply for being male.

HumphreyCobblers · 09/09/2019 20:19

I would definitely have liked my DH to have been threre, I had c sections and looking after dc was hard. But not if that meant having other people's husbands there, snoring all night, in a space designed for half the number of people.

Men on post operative wards don't have to put up with other people's wives there, in their personal space. It is just new mothers who have to put up with such rubbish care that husbands are seen as a necessity.

Lumene · 09/09/2019 20:20

I don’t know how I would have managed to feed my second child in hospital without my husband’s support.

Cakeorchocolate · 09/09/2019 20:20

Disagree on this one.

I would have preferred my dh to stay and help look after the little one during the night. I couldn't reach them when they woke for a feed, if dh had been there it would have been far easier and less painful for him to help.

FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 20:21

Men on post operative wards don't have to put up with other people's wives there,

THEY DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AFTER A NEWBORN!

If mothers could just take drubs and fall into a medicine-induced sleep post surgery, it would be ok, but they can't! That's the whole point!
Wards are hell whatever they are, but a post-natal ward even more because you have to keep a tiny baby safe when you are in no state to do so!

Cakeorchocolate · 09/09/2019 20:21

Meant to add. That it's their child too, why should they be sent away from them after they're born. They need to bond too.

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 20:23

And on children’s wards it’s expected that either parent will stay. I’ve stayed twice and been crucial again. My poor ds post tonsils would have weed his bed and not had drinks if I hadn’t been there.

Tippety · 09/09/2019 20:23

YABU, only because there isn't enough staff to safely look after the women and babies in their care, you need someone for the sake of your baby and your recovery. My DH had been awake for over 72 hours with me during labour, the sensible thing seemed to be for him to pop home for a few hours of sleep so he was better prepared to help out the next day. I asked if my mum could stay instead and was told no, but not to worry as there would be support overnight (I had a catheter and IV's in both arms, so couldn't reach my baby myself let alone anything else). Instead the midwife demanded I phone my partner at midnight because it was ridiculous I was expecting the staff to help (I had baby on me all night as I knew I wouldn't sleep anyway and to get around the issue about not being able to move. I hadn't asked for any help, they only came in to do the obs). To be honest I'm glad he did, by the next morning my catheter was full (he emptied as no one would help), changed the blood soaked pad under me- which was pretty degrading to be honest; and bought me food as I couldn't get out of bed and no one came round.

Megan2018 · 09/09/2019 20:26

I’d love DH to be able to stay, I’m in this week and terrified. I am not in the least bothered by other men being there, very scared about being alone as our delivery suite is shit (but I’m too high risk to go elsewhere). Sadly DH only allowed 11-8.30. If I end up with a section I’ll be buggered Sad

XXcstatic · 09/09/2019 20:26

No one is looking at you in the post natal Ward - they’re busy with other stuff

LOL - I once had to stop a couple shagging on the postnatal ward. She was 2 days post-partum Sad

Pervy men don't stop being pervs just because their partner has had a baby.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 09/09/2019 20:26

I wouldn't have been comfortable with partners of either sex staying. It's not having men around it's having a ton of other people around that is the problem.

And ime (2 x c/s with drip/drain/catheter full monty) many other people's visitors tend to be inconsiderate of other patients, sometimes for reasons of being very focussed on their own loved one.

If there is infrastructural investment to ensure patients privacy and dignity (and noise, and enough toilets and showers etc) then it would be different.

HumphreyCobblers · 09/09/2019 20:27

FrauHaribo, I have had three children by c section and no men were allowed to stay. There were enough staff to cope. We all managed, and this is what should happen. My youngest is six, so not an impossibly long time ago.

There should be enough staff and women should not have to put up with men in space not designed for sharing.

Buddytheelf85 · 09/09/2019 20:27

I desperately needed DH there with me after a traumatic birth. Our hospital had the option to pay for private rooms with a bed for a partner. So that’s what we did. It does seem like a good solution to me especially as it raises revenue for the trust.

cansu · 09/09/2019 20:28

I don't think they should stay unless they are in a private room. However, they do need more staff on these wards. I think some women want them there to help simply because there often is no one to help you. When I had ds I was left alone all night with ds in crib next to me with no one to help me whilst I was completely numb from epidural. I actually fell trying to get out of bed to go to the loo.

Louiselouie0890 · 09/09/2019 20:28

Dads dont have a right to be there as much as mums, mum is a patient dad isnt. It's no place for them at night for a few reasons, the main being women being uncomfortable. The wards are far too small, it's more people for the midwives to keep an eye on safety and security wise. Its unhygienic. It's not about dads not being interested in the other women, it's about the patient having a right to a certain level of privacy and rest and not be made to feel uncomfortable. The wards are just far too small and you would need some sort of better privacy than a curtain that doesn't go all the way round. I'm exhausted I dont want to use more energy for another 9/10 hours around extra people who dont need to be there

Lumene · 09/09/2019 20:29

This is the crux of the issue:

YABU, only because there isn't enough staff to safely look after the women and babies in their care, you need someone for the sake of your baby and your recovery

Fine for those who had a good birth/recovery. Not so much for those really unwell after the birth, especially if baby is also struggling.

tigger001 · 09/09/2019 20:29

There should be an option, an area for women and partners a ward for just women.

I don't think its right that they should be sent away when the nursing staff on the ward simply can't cope and give the required level of care to new mothers.

I don't think it's right a father/husband/ partner can't stay with their wife after she has just given birth and wants support and the father can't spend that time with their newborn.

I don't think it's right that a new mother could be made to feel vulnerable by strange men in their ward.

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 20:29

Lucky you Humphrey I’ve had two c/s, one in a teaching hospital and there wasn’t anywhere near enough staff.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 09/09/2019 20:29

Well we shouldn't be collectively - or on behalf of future mothers-to-be - be putting up with the kind of inadequate care @tippety describes.

Celebelly · 09/09/2019 20:30

YANBU. And I say that as someone who had an EMCS, was in five nights, and had to triple feed: express every two to three hours, try on the breast, and cup or syringe feed with formula. I got only a couple of hours sleep in five days as I didn't sleep overnight because I was scared she would die (we almost lost her during birth) so only got a scattered 20 mins or so here and there when DP was there during the day, but I still think male partners have no place overnight in a woman's space. My discomfort doesn't override other women's discomfort and their right to privacy (what little there is on postnatal wards).

HepzibahGreen · 09/09/2019 20:31

Again. I had a shitty birth. The post natal care was dire. I was alone. I STILL don't think men should be on the wards all night
More midwives, more proffessional help. Not random husbands.

Jellybeansincognito · 09/09/2019 20:31

When I had my daughter in 2015 I was in a private room on the transitional care ward and wasn’t allowed to stand up or anything as I lost a lot of blood during delivery, partners weren’t allowed to stay and every time my daughter needed me I had to call the buzzer and ask for help, it wasn’t great.

2 years later partners were allowed and I had my son, my husband went home to be with our daughter overnight. It was hell being on a shared ward with other mums and their partners. Couples were bickering, one of the men spent 20 minutes in the toilet, I knew I bled through my pants and felt too embarrassed to get up and go sort myself out because I could hear that the couple near the toilet had their curtains open.
Absolutely awful experience. I sat in bed all day holding in my wee until I was the only one left on the ward and could finally go get some privacy.

(Don’t judge me, I get overly anxious as it is!)

HumphreyCobblers · 09/09/2019 20:31

I am not gloating! Just trying to point out that husbands being allowed on to postnatal wards is not the solution.

Just pointing out that if everyone just fills up the gap with husbands firstly the experience for all women will be rubbish due to all the above mentioned reasons, and secondly - what about those women who don't HAVE a partner available?

Genderfree · 09/09/2019 20:32

That awful Horehound but I don’t think the answer is unfettered visiting, it really isn’t fair on patients who want privacy or who want to feel safe. Wards should be adequately staffed so that the necessary help is provided.

To be honest though, on the whole when men were allowed to stay, when I was working on a maternity ward, they were a pain in the bum. Very demanding and more of an hinderance. Doubt anything has changed. Have you seen some of the threads on here. Throwing their partners out of their own beds, demanding and having sex, threatening patients, treating staff like servants.

FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 20:32

HumphreyCobblers

good for you, but I agree that the space is not designed for sharing. There shouldn't be such a thing as a ward - there should be safe and private space for patients who need it.

Having a woman gaping at you across the ward or a male visitor make absolutely no difference whatsoever - it's uncomfortable, make you feel like shit and take away all your dignity. It's not acceptable.

In a way, it's even worst when SOME staff pretend that it's ok to leave all curtains open because you are among females. WTF?!? It really is not.

Not having a partner to at least help you settle and make you as comfortable as possible in your tiny space on the ward is just not human either. Of course they are needed. If you could do it yourself, you wouldn't be in hospital in the first place.