To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

Dinosauratemydaffodils

This thread seems to think because I had the shitty bad luck to get raped that I don't deserve postnatal care because I can't stay on a ward with men and we are the selfish unfair ones?

No this thread doesn’t think that. What this thread thinks is we should push for something that works for everyone and not marginalize one persons need over the other.

I have PTSD too due to similar reasons to yours. And it’s partly why I don’t accept any man examining me during pregnancy and birth.. and I hardly accepted midwives examining my cervix.

Yet as I mentioned, it’s is possible to have more than one conflicting need in a population.

I have repeatedly suggested I’m
Willing to compromise and meet things half way to make it work for all women. But I’m not willing to just dismiss my personal need just because it doesn’t match yours

@BunsyGirl. That is absolutely ducking horrendous. Why on earth couldn’t they have given your child antibiotics in the ward?

BunsyGirl

It’s ok. Some people here refuse to believe that someone could have a different experience to them. 30 percent of us believe you.

Ironically the selfish ones who think they can decide on behalf of other women who are most probably of higher medical risk to them, because they can’t see further than their own needs and noses.

Apparently it’s a competition where one persons need can be ranked higher than the other and so the rest of us silenced

This thread seems to think because I had the shitty bad luck to get raped that I don't deserve postnatal care because I can't stay on a ward with men and we are the selfish unfair ones?

I'm not saying your selfish. I'm saying I am. I will prioritise mine and my babies needs while the hospital continues to fail in its duty of care.

jealous
Ironically the selfish ones who think they can decide on behalf of other women who are most probably of higher medical risk to them, because they can’t see further than their own needs and noses.

Sorry, what?
Most of us haven't shared our medical history or given you ANY indication of how unwell we were.
Sweeping generalisation much.

Contraceptionismyfriend

But I really don’t see that as selfish.. why are you allowing the rest to use this accusation on the rest of us with high medical risks and needs.

It is not selfish to want to survive... and to think that’s more important than someone else’s lesser need of privacy. Both important however.

30 percent of us believe you

I’m sure 100% of us believe you bunny dreadful thing to happen to you, absolutely horrendous

You might not but plenty of women do. Including me 23 years ago. Why are we so against men anyway? Most of them have seen it all and don't give one tiny fuck. We should feel the same.

It was. And that is just one of many examples of the horrendous care I had. They would only do the IV antibiotics in special care even though DS1 and I were in a normal post-natal ward. No reason given and I just assumed it was the normal procedure. It may have been staff shortages. Things were so bad that the post-natal staff were having to deliver babies and leave the ward almost completely unattended, including where one woman gave birth in the toilet waiting to be admitted to the labour ward.

bunsy

Giving birth is supposed to be one of the best things we can do and quite often it can read like a horror story

@JealousOrFair I don't see selfish as an insult.
Selfish means putting your own needs ahead of others.
Doesn't need a reason.
I'm happy to stand by my opinion and my decisions.
I'm deeply sorry to those who are survivors of abuse who wouldn't want to be in a room with a man at such a vulnerable time. But it wouldn't sway my decision if I thought I needed my husband with me.

Honestly that's probably the definition of selfish. But I'm fine with that.

Couldn't agree more @MintChocAddict

The selfishness of prioritising your DP over the other women on the ward who are just like you recovering from birth.

If you want your DP to stay, get a private room FFS.

I was double incontinent and would have been bloody appalled if a load of blokes were hanging around.

As said by others said it's close to £500 per night for a private room. Why would anyone pay that for something that's being offered for free!!

Its the governments fault for cutbacks...all governments as i think the decline has been going on for a while

And the hospitals fault for enabling it (I appreciate that they are stuck between a rock and a hard place)

Contraceptionismyfriend

Well unfortunately in the ugly word, given how you shared your story about being st risk of death, it is still not my definition of selfish to rank your need of surviving and avoiding death to someone else’s need to being protected from flashbacks about their history of sexual violations.

Preserving human life does come first. But sadly why we are having to make such ugly decisions is uncivilized and appalling to be in a country like England and within medical care.

It is not YOUR responsibility as someone who is at a huge risk to their life to cater to the needs to other women. Really won’t feel selfish if I pushed for my husband to stay if I believed me and the baby we’re in danger.

You’re comfortable with being called selfish. But I really don’t think it helps the 70 percent of voters see that it’s not that their needs aren’t important, because in a normal world of you were in a position where self preservation wasn’t at risk, you would most probably cater to that need.

Selfishness is an attitude that can’t be judged when someone is in survival mode. To be fair. Because even if you were an altruistic martyr, putting your life and baby’s life at risk because others want privacy isn’t commendable.

What I would do is find something that works for both of us.. or apologise for the inconvenience and explain why I need a compromise from them,

So @MistyGlen* @Rocket1982 et al, the campaign should be for better postnatal care*
Yes of course. But that’s never going to happen - the NHS simply doesn’t have the funds. The only way women are going to get post natal care is if they bring a birth partner to care for them and their baby.

I still can't believe that so many women who insist on their right to have their DH with them 24/7 openly don't give a fuck about the other women on the ward!
Of course I cared about the other women. But I cared more about my vulnerable new baby who needed a competent and able bodied adult to care for him. The NHS didn’t provide that so my partner had to step in.

People on this thread are not very good at distinguishing between wanting a partner to stay and needing them to stay. Clearly there are some mutually incompatible needs here. One solution may be to have separate postnatal wards that either allow partners or don't. Women should not be admitted to postnatal wards unless their choice can be accommodated. This will cause more labour ward closures due to over-capacity, but that is happening regularly anyway.

If I didn’t have DH there I’d have been up shit creek.
I had a c section where they accidentally cut a main vein and I lost 4 pints on the operating table.
There was no room in HDU so they kept me on the ward, but didn’t begin to have enough room to look after me. He stayed all 3 nights, swapping shifts with my mum in the day, I could feed baby but do little else (bed bound for first 24 hours). He was a complete sweetheart and helping the other women if they asked. No one slept as repeatedly throughout the night nurses were called and didn’t come for ages. Massively understaffed. I started self medicating (ibuprofen!) as the drug trolley only came round every 8 hours! It was madness. Without a ‘carer’ In form of DH would have been even more awful and frankly dangerous.
Women who have issues with men being around should be accepted and on a female only ward, but don’t stop if for us who bloody need them!

AhNowTed...did you actually read about my experience? I am in disbelief at the comments on this thread. 9 years since giving birth and I am still suffering nightmares....but I am selfish according to many on here for wanting the one person I could rely on to take care of me and my baby.

I agree they need more staff. Then the dh's wouldn't have to be there to help. In a private room maybe it's ok but I can see how it might make other women feel uncomfortable recovering from childbirth with loads of random men there on the ward. Some of them just get in the way! Tbh they should be going home to rest so they are fit for helping the mother when she's home and looking after any existing children.

I went to visit a friend in hospital after she had her baby. Because they were so overstretched, they were asking the visitors to go and get the mums meals from the canteen if they weren't able to make it themselves. I went to get my friends meal. A dad in front tried 'ordering' himself a meal! I couldn't believe it, The lady serving up the food, politely told him, it's for the new mums, not you! As if the nhs needs to be feeding everyone's greedy blokes aswell as its patients!

BunsyGirl

She most definately isn’t interested in reading.

Some people are so absorbed with their own needs they want to create their own version of the truth so they don’t have to compromise.

Sorry for what you went through Bunsy. It’s true horrific. And quite honestly an example
Of why some of us can’t just “cope” with the NHS understaffingx

Some women used to give birth in the jungle back in the days and coped fine . And other did that and died.

NHS is a bit of a jungle. If you coped with it that’s not to say other women will too.

Thank you to the people who have showed me support. One day I hope I am strong enough to publicly campaign for better maternity care.

@BunsyGirl

Out of the 945 posts, I had missed yours.

Your experience was horrendous, clearly. I would have made a exception in your case.

But yours should be the exception rather than the rule.

As I said earlier, I was double incontinent (which is fairly common after a difficult birth) and so no, I don't want a bunch of blokes on a public ward.

This was me and I chose for my DH to go home because, you know, I wasn’t a selfish arse. The nursing staff I had were amazing and there was no need for DH to stay.

Glad your nursing staff were amazing and sorry about your experience.

What about those women who had similar issues but no staff to help? Is it selfish of them to want their partner there?

No decent man feels comfortable around women in this state and would rather be somewhere else. Those who don't react this way are suspect.

Sure.

A man who has just watched his wife nearly bleed to death and his baby be born blue and to obvious medical concern they may not survive, then watched that baby taken to intensive care is not someone who is going to bother or even notice other women on the ward. He wants to help safeguard his wife and child.