To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

And there you have it, people, misogyny and why it's so continually prevalent in medicine: women, just be grateful for your baby, it's not all about you and your medical condition and your needs as a patient, you are just 'bullying transphobic feminists' and 'sexist' is you claim otherwise .

If Pineapple is for real (and at the moment I'm veering towards it just being a wind up, but who knows) then he perfectly illustrates the sense of male entitlement that so many women fear. The fear of their needs, as patients who have just had a pretty unpleasant physical experience, being pushed aside in favour of men who believe it is actually all about them.

This is a joke right?!
So after going through a horrendous birth ordeal, we're expected to pack husband's off to sleep?! Like they've gonna sleep after watching all that?! Without mine, the first few days after labour, dd and I would have suffered plus husband wanted to bond and be with us. Yes of course you have to be aware you are surrounded by vulnerable women of all situations and respect but this can be achieved with husband's there

Shared wards are he'll whether the dads are there or not. They should be banned, and then leave it up to the new mum if the dad stays. My husband was booted out at night in both a ward (DS1) and a private room (DH2 and 3 - lesson learned!) and I felt very angry about it. I was exhausted from a long labour, traumatized by various complications, and in five kinds of pain and HE gets to go home for a night's sleep while I take care of our baby alone all night? Why the heck were they sending my only source of help home? The postnatal staff for all three of my births was awful. I really needed some support, both practical and emotional, and resented having my support banished. And I wasn't even the worst off. In my ward with DS1 the mum next to me was a first time mum who had just had twins by cesarean. Her babies cried in tag team all night. Eight frickin layers of stitches in her that afternoon, TWO babies to care for all night, and zero help from the midwives. She needed a husband badly that night. More than someone else may have needed a tax-free zone.

I understand some women might be uncomfortable sharing their sleeping space with an unknown man. But the answer is private rooms or more help from the staff.

You are exhausted from your labour, traumatised by the roller coaster of it, in five kinds of pain, and have to take of your baby, and the sensible thing is to send your assistant home for a good night's sleep? WTAF? The midwives not only don't help you themselves on the postnatal ward but also deny you the help of your partner? It's mad and cruel to make the mums take care of a baby alone all night, especially if they had complications, a long labour or a cesarean, or are a first time mum.

Can you imagine up on a general ward a doctor saying to a patient "ok, you came in in agony 12 hours ago, had emergency abdominal surgery, have eight layers of stitching holding you together, a catheter in you, haven't eaten or slept and have been in intense fear and pain all day and the previous night. Now that you have come round from the anaesthesia, please take care of this tiny newborn baby all night. Alone. And no, your beloved husband, your rock, can't stay and help you. He needs his sleep. And he might be in our way even though we are going to ignore you all night anyway.

That's what at least some mums will feel when their partners are banished. Is it worth it so someone else doesn't have to know there is a person with a penis behind curtain number three?

You lot can't read.

I give up, have fun ladies, keep your sexist men don't matter point of view. Thankfully the people I know feel that men are just as important.

It's NOT all about the ladies, it's mostly about the baby's.

It is all about the "ladies", mate. Healthy babies get checked, assessed and are good to go. Women, on the other hand, are battered, bruised, spliced open, stitched back together, squeezed, prodded, milked etc. It's horrendous. Don't tell us it's not about us when it fucking is.

I totally agree with Pineapple1. Babies do need their fathers from day 1 and it's lovely to see them bonding from day 1

I wanted my OH to stay. Desperately. I sobbed when they insisted he left...not because I couldnt bear yo be without him, but because I was so utterly exhausted and wanted to sleep and baby kept waking up. I was so sleep deprived I began hallucinating. Partners should be allowed to stay imo. I said it at the time and I say it now.

Is it worth it so someone else doesn't have to know there is a person with a penis behind curtain number three?

Yes.

Men matter, but they shouldn’t be staying overnight on wards for women 🤷‍♀️

How the ever-loving fuck you make that about transphobia is beyond me.

Patients only after 10pm on all wards except paediatric ones - trans men having babies are patients, not partners, so special exemptions for those men apply (although I would imagine that most trans men would prefer a private room or a home birth, so as not to have to be on a female ward at all).

The question really should be, how do we improve wards so that care can be given to new mothers and their babies. Wards are short staffed and they think this is the solution. I could not have a private room when I had my ds by emergency c-section. Due to a bad reaction, I could not walk or move for 24 hours. I got no help and was only saved by another mum on the ward. it was horrendous. Having my husband there would have been helpful, but really the issue is getting help on the ward.

@Lumene

I hear you about the funding, but reading the comments what we are advocating here (by default as many posters had no other option) is using partners/husbands as substitute midwives. If we allow this to happen, then it just allows maternity budgets to be slashed further.

I know that if I had better help and support at the beginning, I would not have had time off work, bonding issues, PND, anxiety, 2 years of meds, counselling and therapy, plus multiple GP appointments etc.

Cheaper in the long run to just fund things properly in the first place.

Ellen, on a general ward your 'rock' would not be allowed to stay with you all night and the staff levels are increased to care for you. But due to misogyny, postnatal is the bastard stepchild of medicine so staffing levels are toilet water level.

And fgs, people, wtf is happening to the English language that so many use apostrophes to express plural nouns?

Honestly? For most men I sort of agree. Whilst I didn't want my husband to miss his children being born, with our first baby he was useless! He was stressed because he didn't know what to do to help and him flapping and stressing stressed me out more. My mum was awesome though she helped me through the birth and then helped me get showered after. Some of the women on the ward pissed me off too though so much snoring and loud phone calls etc. With my second baby I had a home birth. Husband stayed in the other room watching TV until it was pushing time. My midwife arrived in time to see my mum catch my daughter. It was a lovely relaxed birth and first few days without medical staff everywhere and lots of strangers and noise etc. If you happen to have an amazing husband who is the perfect birth partner then great but honestly I can't think of anything more reassuring for a woman in labour than a woman she trusts who has been there and can stay calm.

It's NOT all about the ladies, it's mostly about the baby's

Not on the maternity wards it isn’t. You need to be on a paediatric ward for it to be about babies.

Without my DH I would have struggled hugely. I was a first time Mum and absolutely terrified, and needed physical help as well as emotional support. I hardly ever saw a midwife and the ones that I did see were about as useful as a chocolate teapot. As others have mentioned, I was numb from the chest down and high as a kite, so my DH was very useful for picking up baby/going to collect food/going to find a midwife when they ignored the buzzer for the fifth time in a row

I shared a ward with five other women, all of whom had their husbands and partners stay. Everyone kept their curtains closed and the men showered in the 'visitors' shower on the floor below. And it was the screaming babies that kept me awake, not those pesky men with their snoring and farting which women do too by the way

The hysteria surrounding men on Mumsnet really does baffle me sometimes.

Tippety I am aware a lot of posters had their partner/dh stay out of necessity

This is not how it should be wards should have enough staff to support the patients there

The time for supporting your partner/bonding is visiting time. There should be times when there are no visitors in he wards so all women can relax as much as possible. There will always be situations where it is considered essential the partner is there and a private room should be given to them

Some are saying their partners have every right to be there - them wanting to be with their partner and bond with their baby (which can be done in visiting times) does not trump the needs of the other patients

That's what at least some mums will feel when their partners are banished. Is it worth it so someone else doesn't have to know there is a person with a penis behind curtain number three?

To me it makes the difference between whether I can stay or not. I've had 2 emergency sections. Should I really be in the position where I can't access postnatal care in the hospital because someone else wants their husband there? Don't the hospital have a duty of care to provide a safe space for me? After all the NHS are treating me for the reason I couldn't stay and it's all over my notes to the point that I get female only hcps whenever possible. Can't have a male doctor to do my c-section but can be put on a ward with a bunch of random men wandering about... it's almost laughable in how screwed up that is.

@Pineapple1 clearly isn't real. Or god help the "lady" that has birthed his child.

The hysteria surrounding men on Mumsnet really does baffle me sometimes.

Oh, the irony! Using a term like hysteria to denigrate women.

Sounds like a lot of women are scared of men... Wow...

I agree with all the posters saying that care needs to be better. The maternity hospital here recently had a survey running about partners staying on postnatal wards and the questions were framed and weighted in such a way that it made it look so positive that partners should be able to stay over. More partners on wards just means less staff available, and that cuts and savings can be made to staff and budgets. If they can do it on post-natal they'll easily roll it out to other hospital departments.

I was thinking about the positive stories my DM and DMIL have about their experiences having kids (30+ years ago), how they made lifelong friends etc and the big differences are more staff involved, overnight nurseries so women could sleep and short visiting hours so they had to speak to each other. My experience was that I didn't speak to any other mum bar a hello, curtains closed all day, partners started to arrive 1-2 hours before visiting hours for them began, endless family members trooping in for hours at a time.

Finally, if they do want to roll this out they need to sort the bathroom situation on wards. That disgusting bathroom was enough to put me off a second baby, I can't imagine how much worse it would be having to share it with double the amount of people if partners stay over.

@Ihatemyseleffordoingthis
Feel sorry for the person who has or would have a child with you.

No Enthusiasm being man phobic does not trump the needs of mums and babies.

Man phobic...dont be so ridiculous

Youve got a real thing about the word phobia dont you