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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:

Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/09/2019 18:22

No no no no no and no.
I had C sections - the noisy visitors were bad enough, just no!

takethegirloutofwales · 10/09/2019 18:23

My sister in law is a midwife and she says it’s a nightmare. They often have to tell dads not to walk around in their underwear. She also says they can see how busy the midwives are yet ask for cups of tea and to order food - as if they’re in a hotel. They have long leisurely showers and despite being there to help she says that it’s not unusual for. Ew dad to ring the bell and ask a midwife to change baby’s nappy. So I would say unless you are willing to pay - for a private room, for your meals and for a hands on nurse to tend to your baby - then absolutely not.

ahmadsmom2015 · 10/09/2019 18:26

I totally understand what you mean and where you are coming from but wards are so busy and as a new mom you need more support than they can offer. Having a male partner who is the father of the child can be so so helpful. I really wish they allowed my husband but they didn’t and I was going through so much and the nurses did nothing but tell me I’m over reacting. I fought for my mom to stay instead. I needed to stay for a longer admission and had medical problems that were overlooked and I was sent home only to be sent back by my midwife. No over reaction at all. It was the worse time ever as I didn’t have the support I needed. Second and third time I didn’t have the medical problems and was completely fine and told my husband to concentrate on kids at home and not to worry as it was nothing like the first time.
You need to report the curtain being opened randomly while you were feeding but having male partners when needed is so so so helpful.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 18:28

Never even thought about where the dads would shower as the bathrooms in the ward are for patients only. Surely they would go home to shower as the toilet in the bay needs to be kept clear for midwifes helping new mothers with showers and with bladders being weak toilets are needed at short notice.

Alsohuman · 10/09/2019 18:28

Degrading is all the things you say @OneHamm3r, all caused by lack f staff. That degradation is simply increased by the presence of other people’s partners 24/7.

timshelthechoice · 10/09/2019 18:34

Plenty of people don't live anywhere near the hospital, especially with the amount of centralisation that's happened in the NHS, but well, many don't bother with 'patients only' signs when a) they're too lazy to get up and go out of the unit to the visitors' toilet b) no one will stop them using the closest one. So it's quite common to find the toilet in use by non-visitors.

I'm stunned at the lack of infection control with all this, too.

BertrandRussell · 10/09/2019 18:34

@OneHamm3r -Degrading is all that- in full view of unknown men.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 10/09/2019 18:35

"I totally understand what you mean and where you are coming from but wards are so busy and as a new mom you need more support than they can offer. " - and all the other people who have made this point

The point is maternity care is inadequate. The solution is improving that care, not dozens of needy, unskilled birthing partners only concerned with their own family cluttering up wards which are not set up for their prescence.

cocodomingo · 10/09/2019 18:36

Yabu. Just because you coped doesnt mean everyone else is managing. Postnatal wards are ridiculously understaffed and of a partner can stay and help advocate for you to receive pain relief, water, help etc it actually benefits the staff. Additionally women who had c-sections like I did often have catheters and numbness below waist so need more assistance than postnatal ward staffing numbers allow. Women who had severe tearing or haemorrhage may also require help. So YABU by only considering your discomfort and ease to cope without partner

DecomposingComposers · 10/09/2019 18:37

She is in hospital because her body has undergone a potentially traumatic experience and she needs to heal.

Ironically, this is why I discharged myself against medical advice, 24 hours after a PPH and having refused a blood transfusion - because I'd had a traumatic experience and needed to heal. Something I couldn't do whilst having to struggle to the far end of the ward to get food, care for a newborn with no help, try and help the other mums in our bay who needed even more help than me and then be kept awake by the 4 babies in our bay who had some sort of rota going to make sure none of us slept. What I needed was someone to take the baby between feeds so I could sleep, someone to bring me food and drink when I needed it and someone to focus on what I needed. None of it available in hospital. Had I been allowed to have someone stay with me I would have stayed to complete the treatment that I needed.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 18:38

Timshell my husband wouldn’t dream of being that selfish . Plus the toilets in the bays can often be messy as people bleed heavily and can’t physically bend down to clean up after themselves and they should be left vacant for the people that need them the patients. It is stunning isn’t it but then it’s clear some people only think about themselves.

OneHamm3r · 10/09/2019 18:42

No Alsohumsn many,many women don’t feel degraded bring near men after giving birth. You do.Many,many women welcome dads on wards.

Original poster

Mammylamb · 10/09/2019 18:44

@cocodomingo. I had a c section too. And a catheter. And wasn’t able to move for 12 hours.

But I still don’t think men need to stay overnight

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 10/09/2019 18:44

“Many,many women welcome dads on wards.“

I think you are kidding yourself if you think many many women welcome men they don’t know on the wards.

Alsohuman · 10/09/2019 18:45

And many don’t. As this thread clearly illustrates.

timshelthechoice · 10/09/2019 18:45

And many, many women do feel degraded receiving intimate care and assistance in the presence of strange men who are not staff and do not welcome strange men (not all are dads) on wards 24/7.

OneHamm3r · 10/09/2019 18:45

I think you’re kidding yourself saying women don’t want dads on wards.

HepzibahGreen · 10/09/2019 18:46

Hospitals are aware of the benefits only to themselves. Partners staying 24/7 just means they can understaff postnatal wards and get away with it. No way would this happen on any other ward full of patients, in fact mixed sex wards have been outlawed in every other specialty.

THIS all day long. ^^

BertrandRussell · 10/09/2019 18:46

“I think you’re kidding yourself saying women don’t want dads on wards.”
Their own child’s dad yes. Other children’s dads? Not so much.

OneHamm3r · 10/09/2019 18:47

Well Timeshel given that they can’t dictate when time without men should be and the value of dads is clearly being embraced they’ll have to book a room.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 18:47

The results of the thread are clear only 29% want men on wards at night

MistyGlen · 10/09/2019 18:48

If those of you who needed help and extra care post birth had been sure of getting it from HCPS, surely you would have been ok with sending hubby home for a few hours kip?

Yes I’d have sent my partner home. He was exhausted from stress, hadn’t slept for 48 hours same as me, had cried for ages because he thought I was going to die, and had nothing to eat because he didn’t dare leave me. Once baby and I were on the ward he should have gone home for a rest.

However - I was as high as a kite from the drugs and not able to supervise my baby and respond appropriately. I was also paralysed from the chest down and couldn’t pick up or change my baby, or change the cot sheets when he puked. The nurses had made it very clear they wouldn’t be caring for us. When DH went to fetch me a coffee I buzzed for the nurse and asked for help with the baby and she said no, you have to look after your baby yourself. How was I supposed to do that when I couldn’t move! So my partner had to stay all night and provide care. The second night I was no longer paralysed so he went home.

Alsohuman · 10/09/2019 18:48

@OneHamm3r. 71% of votes on this thread disagree with you. Surely that tells you something?

OneHamm3r · 10/09/2019 18:51

No it’s well known these days MN is highly over represented by bullying transphobic feminists. Thankfully they don’t represent society.

ThursdayLastWeek · 10/09/2019 18:52

Classic.

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