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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 10/09/2019 15:07

A couple of days feeling uncomfortable is a small price to pay considering how needed most of these partners are.

It's not feeling uncomfortable though for some of us. It would mean not being able to access postnatal care in my case despite having both my dc by emergency section. I was high risk for a repeat of postnatal pyschosis with dc2, running the risk of being triggered by strange men would have heightened that and I can assure spending six months of your child's life not actually believing you are looking after a baby, almost rabid with paranoia is no "small" thing. It's miracle really that both dc1 and I made it.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 10/09/2019 15:07

Zazu your birth experience sounded horrendous and similar to mine

If the ward has been properly staffed then you would have had that support

So no it’s my up to other women to get over themselves it’s up to hospitals to provide a safe and comfortable environment for ALL women. And women getting over the birth and the baby being fed and looked after take priority over a partner being involved at this point

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 15:08

Vanilla as already mentioned by multiple people many hospitals have a curtain open policy.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 15:09

I had to share a room once and it was very awkward when the partner of the woman got into bed with her at some point.

Completely out of curiousity, but why does it matter to you? I was so out of it I had no idea what was happening in the curtains opposite me but if he slept next to his wife I would have no issue with it.. I mean I wouldn’t even notice it.. I’m too busy recovering.

I’d only have an issue if he was being intimate.. which one pp said they were having sec two days afterwards which I find shocking because of all the midwives around and the night staff... and her medical condition..

But these are surely rare odd events and I would call security

Oflawrence · 10/09/2019 15:10

Would have been great if we had our own private rooms and bathroom (that would have been amazing!!!) But not on a ward. I would have felt so uncomfortable.

BertrandRussell · 10/09/2019 15:11

The baby’s health? The baby’s health should be the responsibility of the hospital. I find the fuck other women tone if this thread incredibly distasteful- but if I were to sink that low, I would say it’s not up to me to compromise my needs to meet yours. I wouldn’t say that- what I would say is that there need to be more HCAs on maternity wards. Not midwives- just people to help with food and drinks and getting to the loo.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 15:11

MutedUser then I think challenging that open curtain policy is a great place to start because privacy and dignity of patients is a top priority...

Topseyt · 10/09/2019 15:14

Two of my three deliveries were very traumatic and I could do very little afterwards.

I still wouldn't have wanted DH staying with me though and nor would he have been comfortable with it. I would have found it very awkward too if the partners of other women had stayed on the post natal ward overnight. There wasn't enough space by far and I wouldn't have wanted other men who I didn't know to be crammed in too.

Fortunately there didn't seem to be this shit when my children were born.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 15:18

Bert that is very true it shouldn’t be up to a victim of sexual abuse to be told to suck it up and share a room with 4 strange men. Who could be anyone. Or called selfish for wanting to feel safe in an environment that they are vulnerable and needing to heal.

clucky3 · 10/09/2019 15:19

I'm gonna be honest here. If women feel uncomfortable about dads staying then that's their issue. Fathers have every right to be with their babies just as much as the mothers.

I'm gonna be honest here. If women feel uncomfortable parenting alone for a few precious hours overnight then that's their issue.

A couple of days feeling uncomfortable is a small price to pay considering how needed most of these partners are.

Absolute bullshit. Why does your comfort rank above that of other mothers?

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 15:19

So far these are suggestions that I do like:

1- challenging the open policy
2- providing private rooms at cheaper rates (my hospital had a rediculous price (500 pounds a night).
3- separate bays for women only and for those that need men there
4- better staffing of the NHS
5- allowing female members of the family to stay over night if needed ?? That was my suggestion
6- trained volunteers helping out at night for food, escorting to toilets, attending to babies and generally providing mental and emotional support.
7- perhaps those that give birth in late hours should be allowed their partners up to 4 hours or so later. Which is probably where the seperate bay should come in handy.

8- those who have a health risk and whose babies are at risk after delivery should be prioritised in having their partners
9- partners shouldn’t be allowed to use toilet facilities of patients (I thought this was already a rule).

I personally still prefer to have my DH with me but I’m able to reach a compromise and realise not all other women feel the same.. but I’m not compromising my basic needs and my baby’s life just because other women don’t like it. My needs are important too and shouldn’t be dismissed

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 15:21

MutedUser

No one is telling them to suck it up. But it’s quite tunnel-visions to look at one segment of the suffering female population and ignore the other. Both have needs to be met and in this case there is a conflict of interest. But still both needs need to be met. World isn’t black and white

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 15:25

Jealous actually someone did say they needed to get over it . I have said a few times both needs to be met and i said there suit be separate bays for those that are comfortable with it .

vanillaicedtea · 10/09/2019 15:25

Oh clucky get off your high horse. You haven't got a clue. Pipe down and stop being so goady and self serving.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 15:26

Meant to say

challenging the open curtain* policy

BertrandRussell · 10/09/2019 15:27

The needs of one group of “suffering women” could be met by more HCAs to help with the practical things.

Purpleartichoke · 10/09/2019 15:30

Having spent more than my fair share of time in hospitals, I would never leave a child in the hospital without a parent in attendance. It is the rare woman who has just given birth who is truly capable of serving as advocate and protector of a newborn baby. The father isn’t there for the mother, he is there for the baby. He needs to be there for every exam, every interaction with hospital staff. If baby needs to leave mother’s side for any reason, he needs to go with.

vanillaicedtea · 10/09/2019 15:30

@BertrandRussell

That would be a good middle ground. Unfortunately for me the healthcare assistant that was on 3 out of 4 nights with a complete pig but I appreciate not all would be like that. Someone being about to help with practical things would have hugely helped.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 15:36

Purple it’s amazing that single mums or those of us with partners in the military survive with our babies in hospital on our own. If we NEED the father there for everything .

BertrandRussell · 10/09/2019 15:37

The fact that you think that you consider more HCAs a “middle ground” confirms my belief that a lot of the fathers staying people don’t actually want more help- they want specifically their partners to help. Which is a very different thing.

Purpleartichoke · 10/09/2019 15:42

Muteduser

I would still bring an advocate of some sort. Seriously, never leave your child unattended in the hospital. Please don’t rely on hospital staff to always do what is best for your child. This is true with a newborn and it’s true with a 10 year old.

Treaclepie19 · 10/09/2019 15:44

I'm a bit torn on it. Though my baby went to NICU and I was in a private room by myself with an empty cot. I was really lonely and wished he was with me.

I think in private rooms it would be fine but on shared wards possibly more midwives and no partners would be best.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 15:45

MutedUser

Being a single mother or having a partner in the military does make life hard for these very reasons !!!

Wouldn’t you ask for support from your mother/sister if they were available though?

Is it a case of other women need to suffer just because you don’t have that option?

Sweetpeach3 · 10/09/2019 15:45

I had to stay on a ward and it was awful. A dad on their shores the whole night louder then a bloody trumpet. No one got any sleep. Was comfy and I was glad to get home the next day but I wouldn't want my DP to stay over. I was glad to have that alone time with my baby before I got home and everyone else wanted a cuddle !!
So glad the second time I was in and out in 4 hours LOL!! Let's hope I'm 3rd time lucky

theyvegotme · 10/09/2019 15:48

I still don't understand how anybody can argue for 24hr random men.

We need staff, lots more staff.

It's a bloody stupid argument we shouldn't be having.

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