To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

Dinosaur wanting privacy and dignity when you are lying in a hospital bed with strange men in the room. Who could be perverts, weirdos criminals doesn’t not make you a selfish cow .

So no men all day? And women can be weirdos and perverts too.

Dinosaur wanting privacy and dignity when you are lying in a hospital bed with strange men in the room. Who could be perverts, weirdos criminals doesn’t not make you a selfish cow

In my case it's not that I think they could be any of those things. It's just that I really struggle around men at the best of times, when I'm feeling exceedingly vulnerable it's 1000x worse. I struggle with dh's proximity sometimes and he's gentle and kind and lovely. I couldn't relax in the private room because I could hear them talking and moving in the corridor, not to mention that blasted buzzer from those who followed instruction and actually used the public toilets not the ward ones so the ward would have been impossible. I would have had to go home.

I would like a solution which works for everyone. Space for those who need support from partners whether that's female relatives or the father of the baby. Space for those who need privacy and can't cope around strange men. Mine was one of the voices pushing for our new hospital to have private rooms for that exact reason. It just feels that a lot of people on thread are arguing for things to remain as they are and women like me should get on with it or indeed leave the hospital as soon as they can stand post section.

No there is a big difference to men being there during the day in a busy hospital to having to sleep in the same room as them. At least the other woman in the room are patients. The Hospital know who they are there date of birth where they live. The partners could be anyone as I said perverts pedos who knows. Yes they could be woman too but majority of people having babies their partners are men.

90% of violent crime and 99% of sexual crime is committed by men (source: government stats for the prison population, broken down by offending type).

One might encounter a female pervert, but it would be very very unlikely. On the other hand, in a ward with twenty couples, I'd say the odds are better than evens that at least one of the male partners has a history of violence (either general violence or domestic violence or both).

It is so tiresome when people trot out the tired old "women do it too" line without qualifying that with "but much, much less frequently". And in this case without acknowledging that another woman recovering from childbirth poses much less of a physical risk than her much stronger and physically fit partner.

Dinosaur yes definitely there must be a solution . I can’t see how separate wards for preference wouldn’t work .

In an ideal world, post-natal wards would be so well staffed and women so well supported that there would be no need for men on the wards during the night.

When I had my csection with my daughter there was a young vulnerable woman in the cubicle next to me who clearly had substance issues. During visiting hours her boyfriend was watching some sort of violent/porny film, swearing loudly on his phone to someone, trying to get her to give him a blowjob/ask for more pain meds. At one point I was being given a bed bath and she just flung my curtains open to ask the HCP if she could have a fag and he was right there - I was naked from the waist down. The HCP went mad at them but they just laughed. Come kicking out time he wouldn't go and they had to get security to escort him out.

I know he is not representative of all men but if you say men can stay on a ward then you have to let those kind of blokes stay too and trust me, if you want your vulnerability feels ramped up to 11 have that kind of clown on the ward with you.

@MutedUser because they don't have enough resources to adequately fund one ward let alone two.

CantspellWontspell

But why didn’t you complain to the midwife to move you elsewhere ? This is definately not representative.

I was rather annoyed by the mother with c section without s partner who was venting all night on the phone loudly to her mum about her birth experience and swearing at how she wasn’t treated..

I couldn’t sleep and told the midwife who told hsr to be quiet.

Contraceptionismyfriend

To be fair I think my hospital would have the capacity to do that. There are cubicles with 6 patients in each with curtains around them. They could dedicate some cubicles for female only spaces and some for ones with partners and rest keep flexible.

I think they had at least 5 cubicles but it’s a busy hospital

because she is a patient needing care in order to recover. Patients should not be left in sole charge of tiny, demanding newborns as this surely defeats the object of rest and recuperation. To me, the baby should be cared .../cont

I have to disagree. In most cases having a baby does not necesitate hospital admissions or 'medicalisation'. She is not a patient in the same way as someone ill is, and she certainly is perfectly capable of being with her baby alone! Her and the baby will benefit hugely from having their close family close, bit that doesnt benefit other new mothers in the way that awful wards are currently very badly set up.

You are not a patient if you are having a baby at home, or hospital, you are surely only there to be close to medical services, only if they are needed? To avail yourself of specialist advice and support.

So many births, too many births, are medicalised, but hospital puts mother and baby at higher risk of infection, and unnecessary interventions.

Its the set up for families by the NHS that so wrong.

There are birthing units that can be used for families properly arent there? Not everywhere, but they are out there.

was rather annoyed by the mother with c section without s partner who was venting all night on the phone loudly to her mum about her birth experience and swearing at how she wasn’t treated

I couldn’t sleep and told the midwife who told hsr to be quiet.

See, I think thats sad.

Clearly this new dm had a traumatic experience and noone with her to talk to, a new baby, and all the post op, etc to deal with and in a strange environment surrounded by strangers. She may still be trying to recover from this experience, and she shoukd have been free to talk all night if thats what she needed, instead of carry that forward, potentially risk PND, etc.

The setting is wrong for women.

My wife and I have been trying for a baby for seven years now and have experienced several losses. Next week, she'll be having an artificial insemination from a donor.

It is devastating to know I'll likely be unable to stay overnight with my partner and child. I am hoping I can bond quickly with the baby even though it isn't biologically mine, but being chucked out just after my wife gives birth isn't going to help that.

But those are the breaks. I'll be devastated. But I'll get over it. I'd rather I struggle with a night or two away from my first born than traumatise a woman by my very presence.

But why didn’t you complain to the midwife to move you elsewhere ? This is definately not representative.

That's assuming there is somewhere to move you to. One of my stays has 7 beds in a six bed bay because they were so short of space. The unfortunate that got that bed didn't have proper curtains, a bedside locker or a light.

A midwife friend tells me that they sometimes have male patients from elsewhere in the hospital in some of the single room wards on maternity because A&E are so desperate to meet their targets regarding moving in people on, and they are officially admitted to the medical ward for example but are housed in maternity until the medical ward can find a space. It's breaking point and beyond.

I sent DH home each time even when I had a private room. I had to share a room once and it was very awkward when the partner of the woman got into bed with her at some point. He also snored and I did not get any rest at all. For reasons of hygiene and better recovery, a woman should have a private room post birth. In this case, I would have no issue with their partner staying over. It is generally allowed at the hospital where I delivered.

I'm gonna be honest here. If women feel uncomfortable about dads staying then that's their issue. Fathers have every right to be with their babies just as much as the mothers. My baby is 8 weeks old, I was in hospital for 5 days and my partner stayed with me the whole time and was a god send. I had a section and had lost 3 pints of blood. I was like a zombie! I couldn't get out of bed to feed or change my baby. I couldn't reach his clothes or nappies. My partner did all that. They didn't even bring you your meals, we had to go to the day room to collect them. Unless my partner went and got my food I wouldn't be eating. The first night my baby was chocking on his mucus and I couldn't even get up to grab him, my partner did. I pressed the buzzer and someone came 15 minutes later. I dread to think what would have happened to my baby if my partner wasnt there. A couple of days feeling uncomfortable is a small price to pay considering how needed most of these partners are. As for some referring to these people as "strange men" I mean they're just dads being there for their babies and partners. I mean is your partner a strange man for wanting to stay and look after you both?? Regardless if the ward was flooded with staff I'd still want my partner there for support especially at a time when I need it the most.

This is part of why wards in general for maternity are total shit and a useless environment to adapt and recover in with your new baby. Rooms are better for everyone and it's a disgrace that in this day and age everyone is still piled up in a ward together with twenty screaming babies and constant comings and goings.

In a ward at night, I’m exhausted and emotional and feeling vulnerable lights are off but I can just make someone out am I going to be alarmed by a strange average size

Man walking about

Woman walking about

Of course the answer is the first one.

Men who assault woman do not wear stickers informing us of what they are about. So many women are weary of all strange men in certain situations

Ashamed2BFeeling

That’s very Noble of you but you are coming with the perception that you are there only to bond.

You aren’t. You are there to support your partner and parent the child. If it was about bonding I would say that’s selfish and let the women rest. It isn’t.

If your partner gave birth at 8 after a long labour, you helped her shower and by the time you got to the postnatal ward it was 9.30 (this was exactly me), after traumatic labour and she is being asked to breastfeedsnd is panicking about her newborn having no energy to feed and being told she needs to express and she hardly has her head straight and is sounding delusional and incapable to hold the baby without potentially dropping it...

I think you would feel a sudden urge to need to step in. As a partner and as a parent.

“ I mean is your partner a strange man for wanting to stay and look after you both??”
Strange as I unknown to the other women in the ward? Yes of course he is.

I hate this idea that women’s need for privacy and dignity is just ridden over rough shod.

Your partner sounds great @zazu

What a godsend. I agree with you btw but thank you for being so honest, too. I really respect your honesty. Thank you for sharing your story

how are some women so oblivious to other women's struggles that works both ways.

@BertrandRussell

Oh come off it. The baby's health comes before a man not accidentally seeing a glimpse of someone breastfeeding. Curtains are there for a reason- use them.

zazu
mean they're just dads being there for their babies and partners

One person's partner is anothers strange man, right?? One in four women assaulted. Thisnis why women need protection. Some of thise partner's are highly abusive sorts, sexually and physically.

You have no idea who you are next to when your legs are wide open having stitches checked jus the other side of a curtain

Sorry that was meant to say, if she has given birth at 8 pm and moved to the ward at 9.30 pm and then you were asked to leave at 10 because you are a man... I don’t think you would be concerned about everyone else sadly.. because you didn’t have the time to be reassured that she will be doing fine.

Especially if like me your wife lost tonnes of blood, and was sounding delusional.. haven’t yet carried the baby .. doesn’t know how to feed the baby because both are struggling.... many reasons