To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

There's belittling and dismissiveness on both sides on this thread. It's either -

A) The need for a male free space is more important than some womens need for the support of their partners overnight

B) The need for women to access the support of their partners post birth 24hrs a day is more important than maintaining a male free space

For some women having a female only space overnight will feel crucial for valid reasons, for others having there partners presence overnight will feel crucial for equally valid reasons. There must be a compromise here so everyone's needs are met - I'd suggest binning the 'open curtain' policy as a blanket rule and having more access to private rooms which staff could use at their discretion for women who need this

Ideally more midwives/medical staff would be the ideal, but as that's unlikely to happen in the NHS hosps then I think it's a great idea for the partners to be there.

I had my first baby 2 weeks ago, 4 day labour which ended in a rushed forceps delivery. DP chucked out of the ward a few hours later and I was on my own with this tiny baby, I was still unable to stand myself due to the epidural, had a catheter in which had become caught on the side of the bed at some point during my move to the ward, and an emergency call button too far to be reached. She was put in my arms to breastfeed at 2am and I literally couldn't find a way to get her back in her cot until the next midwife check 4hrs later. I didn't feel physically able to be in charge of such a vulnerable baby given the strong drugs still going through my system etc, I was all over the place!

My MIL talks of her deliveries 40yrs ago and how the midwives took all the babies off the ward at night to allow the mums to rest and how she was kept in for a week (natural delivery) to allow her some time to heal and get used to it all with support around her. Couldn't have been further from my experience! I begged to go home after the first night because it was so awful (midwives were amazing, just not enough or them)

In my shared ward the partners were allowed from 10am to 10pm so don't see what difference it makes in terms of them seeing things /security etc that people have mentioned, vs being there overnight, it's only a few more hours. I couldn't have given less of a shit about another man seeing me breastfeed etc, how I looked and what people thought was literally the last thing on my mind lol

Some suggestions, would these be acceptable to the women who cannot cope without their husbands

Just wanted to check your intentions here, in describing women who cannot cope

It can be really insulting, so wanted to check you weren't meaning it meanly?

Its quite a choice of words.

There's established evidence for the benefits of having family, and no strangers around. Essentially its a family event, not a medical one, and the family are pushed aside, when they are front and centre. Its the medics that are on the sidelines, and probably a lot more should be at home, where you wouldn't dream of having a stranger near your bed. Especially when your lying in it having just given birth!

I didn't have to tough a time. Number three was an hour and I was out within 3 hours. Not bad I'd say.

But some women need their partners. And if I ever did that baby that I'd just brought into the world would be my only care.

I'd say you're thought process is the issue. That women must always swipe aside their wants to pander to others. That their pain and discomfort must never upset others or the establishments. Women must suffer quietly and without complaint.

No. If I'm suffering I'll damn well do what I need to to make my time better.

Irishmama you will be fine people are only posting horror stories as that’s what happens . The millions of woman who give birth in hospitals without a hitch won’t bother commenting on threads like this. I have been hospital three times and have alway been given the help I needed . I’ve never had a buzzer ignored or went hungry. I’ve had cornflakes or toast brought to me when hungry even at 2 in the morning. Not everyone has a horror story. Congratulations

yomommasmomma

Honestly I think you are just taking the piss and looking for drama. Your attitude is so provocative and lacking in empathy it’s disturbing.

Jealous - surprised you are saying that about me when you are also reading contraception's posts about not caring about anyone but herself and her baby!

It's not a women who's just been through the trauma of labours job to give a flying fuck about any other person except herself and her baby.

After the birth of my second i had to spend the night in intensive care.
They wouldn't let my baby stay with me.
My partner stayed with baby on the ward.......im now sat here wondering if he was alone in the ward???

I chose to say women who cannot cope because they feel they can't, I think they can.

You do realise you are overstepping everyone else boundaries here, by telling women that you know better than them about what they need.

We have to all hope that attitudes like this don't feature on maternity wards, or from medics there to serve labouring women and their babies.

No partners, more midwives sums this up perfectly! No more fuss needed!

I see both sides to this. I had a private room and it was amazing having my partner there. Inwas in a ward for the next one and was okay with him not staying but it was fucking hard.
There should be dividers between the beds, something wall to ceiling.

I chose to say women who cannot cope because they feel they can't, I think they can.

You can flip this and say women who say they need a female only space can tolerate the presence of men. Some women will need their partners, some women will need a female only space. Dealing in absolutes isn't helpful.

I can think of nothing worse then having other people's partners on a ward. Luckily where I delivered this wasn't the policy. Obviously they were there during labour and initial recovery but not 24/7.

When I was bleeding, had no pelvic control so wetting, had a catheter in and was in agony barely able to walk not a bloody chance I would have wanted others to witness that !!

Yomamma did you not read the posts from women saying they wouldn’t have coped and why?

There are a lot of problems with post natal care. Post natal wards are unique as both the mother and baby are patients but staffing does not reflect this adequately. There is also big differences between the care needed for different women which can't be predicted beforehand. The best solution would be to have more staff but sadly I don't see that happening anytime soon. Babies are also born at all times and transfer to postnatal wards can happen quickly so restricting partners hours could result in having to leave a few hours after the birth, most father's I know do not want to do that. An ideal world would have more staff and more facilities to allow more privacy.

Thanks MutedUser, the wards were adequately staffed last time. At another hospital this time and don't think partners are allowed. Hopefully I'm not in a bad way this time.
Fwiw I don't mind people having their partners with them at all, once there isnt any bother. Hardly noticed them last time.

I fully support partners being able to stay. They were allowed to stay when I had my second. We chose for my husband to go home to get some sleep but others had their husbands stay and it was not a problem. I barely knew they were there (apart from when I couldn't move, no one had responded to my buzzer - the man behind the curtain next to me heard me talking to my baby and offered to help. He changed her nappy and passed her to me at 3am).

His wife was snoring really loudly and was much more disruptive!!

*yomommasmomma

Jealous - surprised you are saying that about me when you are also reading contraception's posts about not caring about anyone but herself and her baby!

I’m not just ignoring what she is saying I’m agreeing with her...

She is saying during this hour of desperate need for support because her health was at bloody risk and could’ve resulted in death, people’s lesser need of privacy was not her concern...

I’m sorry but are you expecting her to give up her life and endanger her baby for some altruistic reason so other women can be excused from not pulling the blanket up to cover up or asking for curtains to be drawn so they can take their breasts out safely... or asking for men to not share the same toilet as them... or

I sympathise with those needs but risk of life is definately more important.. she has explained why and you choose to think she should prioritize your needs instead LC

There’s such a thing as people having different needs and hospitals should be able to provide for that. But yes hers is more pressingly a medical need than yours.

My view is if the woman is in hospital, she is there because she is a patient needing care in order to recover. Patients should not be left in sole charge of tiny, demanding newborns as this surely defeats the object of rest and recuperation. To me, the baby should be cared for by the parent who is healthy and well in ideal circumstances in order to get the mother up to full strength asap. Failing that, other family members/friends/medical staff. I was v lucky that my hospital allows men to stay (I had a 2 night stay, barely saw any of them anyway, and they were extremely quiet, supportive and respectful so it seems I was very lucky), and the first night I was on a high dependency ward with a 1:1 ratio of medics to mothers. This ward was amazing (and helpful because I couldn't even sit up without fainting within a minute, let alone perform even basic care for my DD). The postnatal ward was ok - 3 bed bags organised so you were with other couples experiencing similar "issues" - but I was not given my painkillers regularly or even within hours of me asking because they kept forgetting, and I was very glad I could send my DH to get our formula and my expressed milk in the fridge as it was a 20 min round trip for me at shuffling pace and I couldn't push the bassinet. The staff were nice but there were far too few of them to be giving the necessary care. The way women are meant to be martyrs from the moment they fall pregnant, as shown by some of the hideous comments on this thread, is so sad and no doubt contributes to a lot of mental and physical health issues that last for years. Whilst I think health care and ward infrastructure desperately needs to be improved, in the mean time if a partner sleeping overnight means women have physical and emotional support, and that newborns are adequately cared for and not left in dangerous positions on a dozing mother who cannot get them back into their bassinet, that is far more important than a notion of privacy (which you will never get unless you have a private en-suite room).

Women should be able to cope without their partners for a few hours, good luck with the rest of parenting if you can't.

At a guess, people don't spend a lot of their time effectively strapped to a bed (IV's and catheter), bleeding from several places, recovering from major surgery usually on just paracetamol, probably with little sleep due to the marathon that is labour, without being able to access food and water for themselves; that is on of the stupidest arguments I've heard in a long time. Most people seem to agree that if staffing was sorted out they would happily back no partners on the ward overnight. Unfortunately for many it was a necessity due to the lack of care, my midwife even demanded I phoned mine during the night to come back in as no one could help. Would you let your child go without food all night? They even said to him what to look out for with me as I had lost so much blood. Yes it's unacceptable, but until something changes (which lets face it, is unlikely anytime soon) then I'd fight for partners to be allowed on the wards. Hardly any posters have said ohhh I'd like him there to bond, most have highlighted what a state the NHS is in.

That women must always swipe aside their wants to pander to others. That their pain and discomfort must never upset others or the establishments. Women must suffer quietly and without complaint.

This could be used on either side of the argument.

It’s bad enough when you are on a pull-down bed in the children’s hospital, listening to someone else’s husband snoring loudly across the bay, and that’s without having just been through childbirth and having a newborn to care for!

Long visiting hours for partners (7am to 10pm?) and more midwives is the better compromise.

*Childbirth is hard especially if you had a difficulty, so if postpartum you weren't a snivelling mess good for you. And if your baby was healthy good for you but that doesn't give you the right to belittle other people who had a hard time just because you can't imagine it yourself.

Also the issue of having partners there is mainly for support and if you didn't need it again good for you.*

My experience with dc1 was horrific. I had an emergency section after a long labour, I hadn't slept for days, I could barely function, I thought dc1 was a doll and couldn't understand why people wanted me to go to NICU and look at him. I was barely eating, barely sleeping and in the end they discharged dc1 from NICU early so we could home before something really tragic happened but I still don't believe partners should on the postnatal wards overnight.

When I had dc2, I would have been discharging myself hours after my 2nd emergency section if they hadn't managed to find me a private room. Is that okay? To put someone in a position where their only option is to discharge themselves against medical advice hours after emergency surgery. There are even people on this thread who think I should have had to pay for that private room even though I have a medical reason for needing (diagnosed by the NHS, currently being treated by the NHS).

To me, the selfish ones are the ones who can't see the alternative perspectives. If I were to follow the advice of some posters here, if I have another baby before they finish the new maternity hospital, I'd be demanding that they throw all the men out and I suspect given the consultants views on partners staying, my medical history and the fact that it's a discretionary policy, I'd manage but I wouldn't do that because I'm not a selfish cow.