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Original poster

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/09/2019 13:19

@yomommasmomma why would I endanger myself or my baby because of someone else?

We're in this predicament because the NHS is a shit show.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 13:21

I don’t know about others local hospitals but our wards are security entrances and you need buzzed in and out after the last visitors leave at 8pm. With no visitor toilets on the wards that would mean that the midwifes would be buzzing in and out fathers going to the toilet or smoking every 10 minutes then having to check visitor passes every time they came back in. Hardly freeing them up to look after patients.

TrynaLiveInPeace · 10/09/2019 13:23

Wow the judgement on here is outstanding.

Childbirth is hard especially if you had a difficulty, so if postpartum you weren't a snivelling mess good for you. And if your baby was healthy good for you but that doesn't give you the right to belittle other people who had a hard time just because you can't imagine it yourself.

Also the issue of having partners there is mainly for support and if you didn't need it again good for you.
Just to mention when I went to the postpartum ward the last thing I was thinking about is other people and their men, mainly when can I leave all the noise behind because there were so many crying babies.

Coldilox · 10/09/2019 13:24

Escapade - fuck off, I am not a snowflake for needing my wife there, and you can fuck off with your patronising “hubby” talk as well. Have a fucking medal for your ability to cope alone me and then accept your experience isn’t the same as everybody else’s.

GinDaddy · 10/09/2019 13:24

@Contraceptionismyfriend is talking that real talk on this thread but some people don't want to hear it

GinDaddy · 10/09/2019 13:26

@escapade1234

You are embarrassing yourself with posts like this. You really are.

Your "most women should be able to" is the pernicious kind of argument which holds women back in life, feeling that they should be able to do what "most" are able to do.

For goodness sake, stop feeling so entitled that you can tell all women what the normative is, and feel thankful for your positive experiences if you've had them.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 13:31

Contraception if you feel that not having your partner in the hospital with you overnight is endangering your life then your hospital must be awful. I’ve had three c sections and have not had my partner there at night. Sure I was annoyed that it took the midwife 10 minutes to come feed my baby or change their nappy. But never once did I feel in danger or fear for my life. That is awful for you.

clucky3 · 10/09/2019 13:32

We are so vulnerable while pregnant and post birth, I didn’t want strange men around me. They can stay all day ffs, just go home at night. Not everything is about the comfort or wishes of men

This. Nobody is suggesting they are banned from the postnatal ward, they just need to not be there all fucking night. I think I'm going to have to step away from this thread, the self absorption is just too frustrating.

BarbariansMum · 10/09/2019 13:34

Maternity wards need to be properly staffed. Apart from all the obvious objections, using partners as HCA is a sticking plaster solution - what happens to those women whose partners cant stay, or dont help or who dont have partners?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/09/2019 13:35

I've had three births. Stayed over for multiple days twice. Never had my husband stay over. But I can fully understand why for some women their husband/partner is a necessity. The hospitals are failing.

And if I were every to have another (please no) and I beloved that I was not feeling up to caring for my baby alone and the hospital allowed partners to stay overnight then that is absolutely something I would utilise. While giving not an ounce of care of who else was there.

IrishMamaMia · 10/09/2019 13:35

I'm reporting this thread, there are some really nasty posters on this and it's really upsetting reading at 33 weeks pregnant with a planned section.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 13:36

You do realise when babies are first born, many of them have their first few hours at night so it’s the peak hours when the mum
Need support ??

And you do realise the nighttime is when newborns are mostly awake needing feeds because that’s their natural waking hours in the womb Hmm

How is it helpful to turn a father away after an hour of delivery and let the mum
Struggle for the next 12 hours , and then him
Coming back in the daytime ?

Based on some experiences, and timings, some dads do “need” to be there at night. Especially the first night!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/09/2019 13:36

Also I felt very afraid for my life when the nurses repeatedly offered me pain relief that would kill me. Luckily I was conscious and well enough to reject it.
If I hadn't been I could've died. Or gotten a very nice pay out.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 10/09/2019 13:37

Contraceptionismyfriend You made a ridiculous statement and can't back it up because there is no evidence. Stop making ridiculous statements.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 13:37

IrishMamaMia

I agree.. I’m due anytime now and I’m feeling hugely let down by this thread My confidence in voicing my needs have dwindled and now I’m going to feel judged by women on the ward for “not coping emotionally”.

Women can be each other’s worst enemies at times it’s appalling.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/09/2019 13:40

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG what was the ridiculous statement?

yomommasmomma · 10/09/2019 13:40

Some suggestions, would these be acceptable to the women who cannot cope without their husbands-

If you want your husband with you overnight pay a charge for a private room.

Pay for private care then you can have whatever you want.

Dormitory arrangement in hospital where all the husbands sleep and wives can buzz them and they then run in to help with emergencies.

Smotheroffive · 10/09/2019 13:41

Men shouldn't be where women are compromised in any way. Its one thing to be surrounded by other female strangers but another completely another for them to have to deal with being gawped at, and more, by men.

The system of lumping women altogether is the problem. Its a family event, and as usual, medics make it about medics.

Same as leaving someone to die in the middle of a ward surrounded by strangers. Its absolutely disgusting treatment of our fellow humanity.

IrishMamaMia · 10/09/2019 13:42

Thanks JealousOrFair. I'm expecting my second baby after a difficult first birth and I'm now really panicked that no one will help me and I'll be laying there helpless without my husband, unable to breastfeed.
I managed the first night without my husband last time, sent him home for a rest but breastfeeding ended up failing which is something that I'd say was linked to the fact that I wasnt able to tend to my baby during that crucial first night. I had to make the decision to give formula before my husband came back during visiting hours. My baby was unwell, I was unwell and it was a difficult time.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/09/2019 13:42

Please don't care about other people. That's the key.

Don't care about the doctors, the nurses or the other patients.
Don't care about who you inconvenience. Don't care about who you upset.

Be polite, but be firm and be demanding.

That's not me taking the piss. I'm serious. I stood up for myself in my third pregnancy and I was so much more relaxed. I repeatedly told the consultant no and that she was wrong. And I got the birth I wanted.

Someone might judge you. But does it affect you? Will it change how you feel? You'll never see that person again. They will never affect your life.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/09/2019 13:44

@yomommasmomma but they don't need to pay. The hospital are allowing it. So the person who wants to be away from them must pay.

May not be nice but that's the situation.

The solution is to overhaul the entire practice.

But that's not going to happen. I would pay for something if I could get it for free.

yomommasmomma · 10/09/2019 13:44

What a dreadful place the works would be if we all took contraception's attitude to it.
Sorry you had a tough birth, but other people don't have to suffer for it.

Biancadelrioisback · 10/09/2019 13:45

My DS was prem, and was whisked away from me within minutes. No one explained what was wrong with him. I thought he was dying and no one was there to tell us he was 'just' jaundice and the reason he was on the red ward in SCBU where the really ill babies were was because there were no beds in the blue ward for him.
I sent DH with DS but when I asked to be taken to him after being out back together the nurse asked me where he was. I had no idea. I burst into tears. What sort of mother loses her 2 hour old baby?!
When I finally got to see him, I tried to reach into the incubator to touch his hand and was shouted at. Only parents can touch. I was the parent. Oh, go one then.
I was too scared to touch him after that. I didnt for 2 days. I sat by his bed while he was surrounded by lights for his jaundice, too scared to touch him and convinced he was dying. When he was finally moved out of SCBU and on the normal ward, no one explained how I was supposed to tube feed him. I had been milking myself silly for him but apparently no one knew so he'd been on formula since birth.

I've copied this from another post of mine as it highlights the care (or lack of) we received after I had DS. DH could stay from 8am - 8pm but had to leave at night. After a day or two of being convinced your DS is dying and you still haven't even touched him, I had no idea when day or night were, all I knew is that for 12 hours DH couldn't be with us. I hated that he couldn't be there as I felt so vulnerable and lost.
On the 6th night (I think) both DS and I were together on the PN ward. A lady was opposite me who, the moment her husband left, begged the Dr for a hysterectomy and for it to be done discreetly so her husband didn't know. That was when I realised it was a good thing that partners couldn't stay with us.

yomommasmomma · 10/09/2019 13:46

Contraception- the point of this thread is that most don't agree with the hospitals allowing it and so I am suggesting alternatives.

Thistly · 10/09/2019 13:46

I’m afraid oven not rtfs, but 2 things stuck out from the first page;

  1. Surely there could be more than one ward - one where men were welcome and one where they weren't.
    The way the NHS works, there would end up only being space on the ward you didn’t want.

  2. I was never bothered by the other males on the unit No perhaps not, as your own dp was with you. Now think about what it might be like if your own dp was busy with the other children and not able to Be there? Possibly not quite so confident that the curtain was adequate privacy/ protection.