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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:
Napqueen1234 · 10/09/2019 12:33

Im not the type of person to be super reliant on my partner but I cant tell you how much I appreciated having him there after the birth. We stayed two nights and Id have found it 100x more difficult without him. Realistically millions more midwives and HCA aren't going to appear so partners are vital for support (whether DH, DP, birth partner, doula etc.) If you want complete privacy pay for a private room!

SerenaOverjoyed · 10/09/2019 12:34

I really needed by DH there after a traumatic birth ending with EMCS. The midwives were wonderful and very supportive, but having another parent there to take total responsibility for DD was enormously helpful and containing. Overnight was the most the most stressful time as DD vomited mucus perfusely (normal after CS, but really scary at the time).

I had curtains up, so while not massively private I felt comfortable enough. I'm very shy about breastfeeding but this felt adequate for me.

Some partners might behave poorly, but anyone has the capacity to, including new mothers. Inconsiderate behaviour should be challenged and managed individually rather than a blanket rule - thankfully on my ward this happened when another new mother behaved badly. I recognise where there is short staffing midwives may struggle to manage/challenge inappropriate behaviour, but (forgive me!) I don't think the baby should be thrown out with the bathwater

vanillaicedtea · 10/09/2019 12:36

@Contraceptionismyfriend

I really respect you on this thread. I agree with you, btw.

It doesn't matter if you agree with her or not. At least she has the balls to post her reasons and be ruthfully honest why. She isn't adding other arguments to her opinion to try and make it seem more legitimate. A lot of posters on this thread could learn from her.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 12:38

NapQueen
So you are suggesting that rape victims or people with mental health issues or people who don’t want to hav medical procedures in with strange men should pay for a private room to have confidentiality and privacy. Maybe you should pay for a private room to have your DH there.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 12:40

I was on a ward with 4 of us. 3 with partners and one without.

The one without spent it on the phone chatting loudly because of lack of support and constantly shouting out to the midwife for help with her baby... and then snapping and swearing and being all stressed when they took long.

It’s a small sample but, I did think she needed emotional support.

The other ladies had their partners take over when they got emotional and stressed.

It was annoying having other men there but not nearly as annoying as having a crying baby not being tended to by an exhausted mother or a mother having a breakdown about her labour over the phone to her friends and family.

Yes privacy is an issue but really think that’s fixable!!

AmateurSwami · 10/09/2019 12:41

My post wasn’t clear, meant to say

That's the problem though everyone wants their man they don't want other people's around and as there aren't lots of single rooms both can't be managed easily.

Couldn’t agree more

“ Would you have felt vulnerable with your partner in the room with you, or a relative? ”
I would have, yes. I gave birth to my first dc alone, not everyone has a choice to have someone there with them

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 12:41

I’m super invested in this thread as I’m due anytime now and my partner is what I was relying on.. and I’m quite shocked that the majority will see him as nuisance.

Also o forgot to say I was extremely starving after birth and didn’t receive any foood until the morning (I delivered at 8 pm). I needed my husband to get me bloody food as I was shaking from lack of sugar.

RavenLG · 10/09/2019 12:45

This thread is awful.

How are some women so oblivious to other women’s struggles. Just because you found childbirth and the following days easy, don’t try to shame women who need their partner there for the emotional and physical support. Awful. We will be tcc soon and it terrifies me that DP won’t be there and that other women look down on me for needing that support. Maybe we should not have kids as I’m not a perfect woman who can cope like @yomommasmomma?

I do think there should be two wards or all rooms to be individual but can see why that would be too difficult for hospitals to introduce.

starray · 10/09/2019 12:46

I was in three nights as a new mum and the midwives were totally unsympathetic and unhelpful, to the point of being rude. I was worried about waking everyone up because my child kept screaming, so needless to say, did not get any sleep. I absolutely do not know how my my child AND I survived those three nights. It would have been totally different if my partner had been there and perhaps the nurses wouldn't have been so grumpy if they had had more help. If people are worried about gawpers, the curtains around the bed can be pulled close.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/09/2019 12:49

@MutedUser Yes. If the ward allows for partners then they do need to pay for privacy.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 12:50

The curtains can’t always be closed though. I had a baby on the warmest day of the year and the midwifes and doctors were not letting people close the curtains as it was too hot. If people needed them closed they had to open them again as soon as the doctor left or they finished breast feeding etc .

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/09/2019 12:50

@vanillaicedtea thank you:)

TriDreigiau · 10/09/2019 12:50

Would you have felt vulnerable at the thought of other men in the room if you had your partner with you? Or a relative ?

I was on ward - I was happier when DH got in but other men were still off putting on way to and from loo and when MW wanted curtain open and trying to bf though less blatant starting with DH there.

I'm not sure how safe I'd have felt in a room by myself and new born in strange place.

With subsquent births we had childcare and transport issues and family a long distance away couldn't guarantee DH being there for births let along to help afterwards in ward. As I said a MW made us feel utter crap about that.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 12:52

Contraception then that is awful .As if those poor woman haven’t been through enough. Victim shaming at its finest.

AmateurSwami · 10/09/2019 12:52

How are some women so oblivious to other women’s struggles. Just because you found childbirth and the following days easy, don’t try to shame women who need their partner there for the emotional and physical support. Awful

How are some women so oblivious to other women’s desire to not recover from a birth in a room full of males that they’ve never met. Just because you found childbirth and the following days easy, don’t try to shame women who need a man-free space post-delivery. Awful.

yomommasmomma · 10/09/2019 12:53

Contraception- that type of selfishness is the problem.

Vanilla - not backtracking, perhaps being clearer!

Women can emotionally cope alone for a few hours overnight after birth and will have many issues with parenting going forwards if they cannot. Where there are mental health daisies arising, staff should be there.

If women need assistance with medical issues, this should not be given by their husbands, but by medical staff and we need to lobby for more of them.

When did it even become ok for men to stay overnight? When did the change happen? No other medical ward allows this.

Women's "right" to be babysat by their husband does not trump other women's right to privacy. You might want him there, but the other women don't and you are not more important.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 12:54

Spot on amatuer

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/09/2019 12:56

@yomommasmomma of course it's selfish. I own that. Because other women and their babies are not my responsibility. I don't need to care about their needs in the event that I've just forced a 9lb baby out of my body.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 13:00

AmateurSwami

It’s not a “desire”, it’s a need to avoid a health risk to the mother and baby...

Why can’t people understand that there is such thing as conflict of interest? Isn’t there a compromise solution or is it always a competition?

Can’t two different woman have two different “needs” without being labelled as selfish?

Or do we live in a homogenous world where women are expected to have the same thoughts and feelings and needs regardless of their experiences ?

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 13:04

Contraceptionismyfriend

Its really not selfish it’s self preserving and protective of you and your baby over others. I don’t see no harm In that.

Im a private person. I would never breastfeed Infront of a man or let a male doctor examine me.

But I still think someone else’s health requirements trumps my need for privacy especially if I’m
Provided with curtains and blankets to cover up.

More so...

I was also asked to keep curtains open due to heat and I informed the midwife that I will need to close it during breastfeeding and then reopen and that was fine.

Privacy is respected on wards. You just have to ask.

But there’s not much you can do about needing care, and your baby needing attending to

isabellerossignol · 10/09/2019 13:08

Privacy is respected on wards. You just have to ask.

That may have been your experience but it's not standard. When I was on the post natal ward they had a rule that the curtains could only be pulled when the midwives or doctors were examining a patient. Every other request for pulled curtains was met with 'we have a curtains open policy'. I was there for a week due to complications and I was losing my mind by the end of it due to the sheer lack of privacy.

escapade1234 · 10/09/2019 13:12

What do all these snowflakes do when having their second child and “hubby” needs to be at home with the first? Bet they won’t want other women’s “hubbies” hanging around then.

Fathers are allowed to be there all day long. There’s no need for overnight. The vast majority of women are in for one night maximum and are experiencing pretty straightforward post-birth conditions. The outliers flood a thread like this and make you believe all mothers are immobile, traumatised, hallucinating, bleeding, incontinent and incapable. Sadly, some are. But most are not. Most people can manage to swing their legs over the bed and stumble to loo and back and sort the baby then crawl back into the bed. It’s not easy and it can be uncomfortable but it’s for one night (USUALLY!!) - surely women can cope with a that without a man to hold their hand?

yomommasmomma · 10/09/2019 13:16

Contraception - that's bonkers!! Why bother commenting at all if you don't care about others?!

Let's hope that your child doesn't ever run off towards a road and other parents standing nearby don't think "I don't care about other people's children, they aren't my responsibility". Your attitude is sad and demonstrates why we have this issue in the first place.

theyvegotme · 10/09/2019 13:16

@escapade1234

I agree that partners should not be there over night.

But calling women snowflakes makes you a twat.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 13:17

That may have been your experience but it's not standard. When I was on the post natal ward they had a rule that the curtains could only be pulled when the midwives or doctors were examining a patient. Every other request for pulled curtains was met with 'we have a curtains open policy'. I was there for a week due to complications and I was losing my mind by the end of it due to the sheer lack of privacy.

That’s pretty aweful for anyone and I could see why men would become a major issue in this situation.

Not even at night ? Or while breastfeeding???

I was given the “open curtain” policy during the day time but as I said breastfeeding was respected. I also had a breastfeeding cover.

However this does highlight that postnatal awards are pretty aweful.. this shouldn’t be the case. But it’s reallt not the fault of partners who are there to support their babies and women. It really isn’t.