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Original poster

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 10/09/2019 12:02

Babies should be close to their mothers as soon as delivered and only removed in emergency.

I believe mothers should be close to their babies in ICU also, its helps mother and babies. Babies suffer all the while they are not in close warm contact with their mother.

Like the need to keep twins together, that close bonding removes stress and fear enabling better recovery.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 12:03

yomommasmomma

Well my birth happened in the late hours of the evening so the night would’ve been my first interaction with the baby and my babies first attempts to breastfeed and when I was still figuring out my feet except I couldn’t stand on them.

I had no sleep from labouring the night before and I was under effect of drugs that influenced my judgement.

I would’ve felt extremely vulnerable to fall asleep with my brand new baby being left to the care of midwives who I had a hard time trusting due to my experience in labour. And I couldn’t trust myself to sleep and wake up on time for the baby to feed.

I couldn’t get up change a nappy as my legs were shaking and I couldn’t carry the baby at all out and into the cot as my arms were very weak.

Clearly being mentally and physically compromised makes you feel vulnerable too... and why that’s being dismissed is problematic

vanillaicedtea · 10/09/2019 12:05

I agree that dads should not be there overnight. I had two c-sections and only stayed in one night but I really looked forward to that alone time with my babies when my partner had gone home for a rest and when all my families had stopped visiting

No harm to you, but you stayed one night. Most of us could struggle through one night. Women who really need their partners there are usually in a lot longer than that, due to complications and such. You can't really compare the situations.

HepzibahGreen · 10/09/2019 12:08

I think what you are describing JealousOrFair is not trusting in your instincts in a way?
I can relate to all you said, my baby was next to me in the plastic crib thingy-sleeping i think-and I sort of passed out with exhaustion. I woke up when he cried. You just do. My friend had her man there the whole time and he slept through the baby crying anyway!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/09/2019 12:14

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG don't need to. Hospitals are backing it. So prove that it shouldn't be that way.

TriDreigiau · 10/09/2019 12:15

Women should be able to cope without their partners for a few hours, good luck with the rest of parenting if you can't.

It was the hottest day of the year and they couldn't orgnaize getting a drink of water me and I was bf.

I was in pain, no pain relief avalible very tired very hungry and dehydrated with a baby no-one could hold for me but who screamed when put down so I was doing things like going to loo dealing with pain and blood then getting told off as baby was screaming and distrubing everyone.

I didn't get a kind word till shift change next morning - when DH was already there and had got me a drink and food. It was horrible.

PFB is 14 and it's till up there as one of the worst parenting experiences of my life.

yomommasmomma · 10/09/2019 12:16

Vanilla women can cope emotionally immediately after birth without their partners.

Partners should absolutely help with childcare in fact it should be 50:50 unless one partner is not working.

This does not mean that men are required on PN wards and trying to make the argument that they are required there 24 hours per day is ridiculous, snowflake behaviour. Women's desire for their husbands to be there all night does not trump other women's right to privacy.

yomommasmomma · 10/09/2019 12:18

The answer to the understaffing issues on PN wards is not men providing "care" for their wives at the expense of others privacy.

All these issues should be dealt with by medical staff, getting more of them is where we should focus our attention, not arguing about whether our husbands can babysit us after birth.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 12:20

Vanilla women can cope emotionally immediately after birth without their partners.

You are really speaking from a privileged point of view and it’s getting irritating to those of us who had a complicated recovery experience.

SinkGirl · 10/09/2019 12:20

Women's desire for their husbands to be there all night does not trump other women's right to privacy.

It’s not about that. If you have an issue with partners staying on PN wards, lobby the government to pay for sufficient staff so that women who’ve had major abdominal surgery / still mostly numb from the waist down / are stitched up and in great pain aren’t left to care for their babies by themselves.

MutedUser · 10/09/2019 12:21

What about all the woman who don’t have partners . Or whose partners need to be a home with the other children . Care should be provided for those that need it.

TriDreigiau · 10/09/2019 12:22

Women's desire for their husbands to be there all night does not trump other women's right to privacy.

Of course it doesn't but I can certainly understand why some women want their DH there.

Better staffing levels or more single rooms that can accomdate DP overnight would all be helpful but I don't think knocking women who needed support is.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 12:22

yomommasmomma

I’m not sure why you are being the “spokesperson” for women when you are speaking to other women... as if you know about us more than we know about ourselves.

Unless you have statistical evidence then it’s pretty annoying to see you use yourself as a sample to decide on behalf of all women.

vanillaicedtea · 10/09/2019 12:22

*Vanilla women can cope emotionally immediately after birth without their partners.

Partners should absolutely help with childcare in fact it should be 50:50 unless one partner is not working.

This does not mean that men are required on PN wards and trying to make the argument that they are required there 24 hours per day is ridiculous, snowflake behaviour. Women's desire for their husbands to be there all night does not trump other women's right to privacy.*

To put it bluntly, you're talking the biggest load of utter shite. I'm not even going to waste energy arguing with you because you can't argue with stupid. Or in your case, being self serving and unable to sympathise with mums who needed extra support. You're no ally to women. Just another bitter one determined to drag us all down with you into a cesspit of misery.

Zakana · 10/09/2019 12:24

I can’t think of anything worse than my partner remaining at the hospital with me after both of my c sections, I was glad when he left! He and my sister made so much fuss when there was an unseen complication at the first birth, it was just easier once they went, gave me time to bond with my babies without any interruptions.

starray · 10/09/2019 12:25

Had a C-section, had to stay a few nights, screaming baby, husband not allowed to stay, rude and unhlepful staff. It was an absolute nightmare. And dangerous... an exhausted mum trying to cope with a baby who will only be quiet when latched on, mum falls asleep, baby falls asleep on mum ...no one else around....recipe for disaster.

SinkGirl · 10/09/2019 12:25

Care should be provided for those that need it.

Yes they should. But they’re not, and when they are, they take up the very limited time of the few midwives on staff. This is not the fault of women who want their partners to stay so they can have help picking up their baby, getting to the toilet and getting a glass of bloody water.

The problem is under-staffing and most PN wards allow partners to stay so that the majority of women have someone to help them with basic tasks because the staff simply don’t have time.

It’s a disgrace and it’s the problem

TriDreigiau · 10/09/2019 12:27

What about all the woman who don’t have partners . Or whose partners need to be a home with the other children . Care should be provided for those that need it.

It has to be a worry that it then becomes an expectation that the woman has someone that can be there.

I was told by a MW that it was ridiculous that I might not have DH or other birth partner there- as we were struggling with childcare for older children and family being some distance away and fairly new to area. It wasn't a comment that made us feel good about our situation.

yomommasmomma · 10/09/2019 12:29

Vanilla clearly that's rubbish!

As I said medical staff should be providing medical care and we should all be pressing for more nurses and midwives to do that.

Dads can visit all day but they should not be on the wards at night, there is no real need for them to be.

Women should be given more information and support when pregnant about how hard it is when you have a newborn and the emotional impact etc, in order that they can emotionally cope better.

I also think babies in the nursery overnight would help hugely.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/09/2019 12:31

But there is not the care!

And I don't give a shit about others wants and needs when I perceive mine and my child's health to be at risk.

AmateurSwami · 10/09/2019 12:32

That's the problem though everyone wants their man they don't want other people's around and as there aren't lots of single rooms both can't be managed easily.

“Would you have felt vulnerable with your partner in the room with you, or a relative?”
I would have, yes. I gave birth to my first dc alone, not everyone has a choice.

vanillaicedtea · 10/09/2019 12:32

@yomommasmomma

You seem to be backtracking a little but I'm glad because your previous views were abhorrent tbh.

The sad fact is, I don't even think I'd trust a nursery. If a midwife can't be arsed to remember to come back to help me, I'm not sure I'd be willing to place them in total control of my newborn.

thesuninsagittarius · 10/09/2019 12:32

I fully appreciate the trauma some posters have suffered, birth is bloody and brutal and frightening. Even a straightforward delivery can leave you drained, exhausted and scared. I don't know what the answer is; a complete overhauling of maternal and postnatal care? More trained staff? Volunteer maternity helpers? NO MORE BLOODY WARDS!! I haven't been on a post-natal ward for 20 years but I have been on general medical wards and that was bad enough. I do feel we should not be potentially compromising women's dignity, privacy, need to feel safe by relying on untrained, unvetted strangers to perform overnight care. Yes, he's YOUR partner and you know he's lovely, but the woman next to you doesn't want a strange bloke sleeping a few inches away! Jesus, when did this become acceptable? Bit by bit women's safe spaces are being eroded, whether because of the Menz and their 'needs', or because women's healthcare and safety are still not taken seriously.

JealousOrFair · 10/09/2019 12:33

MutedUser

If not a DH, then a mother or a sister or a friend!!

I was there as someone’s support when they had no one to stay with them after a c section.

My mum was there massaging my friend because I was abroad and my friend had no one with her.. my mum looked after her for the first night.

Some people are unlucky and have no one. But the majority will... and so the remaining few will be able to have better attention from midwives!!!!

Smotheroffive · 10/09/2019 12:33

Medical needs are prioritised over vital family needs and not even medical needs much of the time

This birth is about the family, keeping it about the family supports everyone in the family.

Its no good saying women can manage alone! There is no more intense a family time than this, with new mothers needing their family around, and to be able to have peace.

This isnt catered for in medical fields. Its all about the medical, unless you're at home or a private room. Which in many cases is far more successful, as are births.