To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

You're never going to get privacy in a ward setting, though. My partner couldn't even describe any of the women or men we saw in my 4 day stay. The only one that sticks in my head was the woman beside me on the third night who was squealing about going out for a smoke and then rang about 5 people afterwards to bitch about the midwives for telling her no. The men were quiet and kept to themselves in my experience.

Infact our hospital now encourage partners staying as they see the value and help it gives the mothers, the chairs even fold out flat to sleep on

This is about women needing support in breastfeeding/looking after themselves and coping with motherhood when they’re still traumatized/under the influence of drugs.

And that is what the hospital should be providing. My dm had a straight forward delivery and had to stay 7 nights including proper physiotherapy sessions in group.

20 hours after dc turned up I was told where NICU was and left to my own devices despite having had an emcs after a long labour, failed forceps and being mid mental health crisis. I have no idea how I survived dc1's arrival/hospital stay and it definitely had nothing to do with the midwives but I do not believe letting partners stay is the answer though.

With my 2nd emcs, I lied through my teeth about the vomiting and the itching and legged it as soon as I could.

Postnatal wards are not currently fit for purpose.

“My partner couldn't even describe any of the women or men we saw in my 4 day stay.” This spectacularly misses the point. The women made to feel unhappy and vulnerable by his presence would certainly have been able to describe him.

Dinosaur I am sorry to hear that and I totally agree with your post. Hospitals should be providing the care women need, not husbands.

Am I the only woman who's partner would have been absolutely useless?! He probably would have managed picking stuff off the floor he would have absolutely hated having to be in a ward full of groaning women and crying babies.

He was amazing at home and did everything for weeks. But would have been a chocolate teapot in hospital

I'd have liked my DH there on postnatal ward with first as staff weren't around or helpful or very nice when they were.

I hated other women's men there from 6 am. They weren't all nice or considerate and I hated feeling vunerable around strange men.

That's the problem though everyone wants their man they don't want other people's around and as there aren't lots of single rooms both can't be managed easily.

Bertrand is spot on, it's not about the men.

Women should be able to cope without their partners for a few hours, good luck with the rest of parenting if you can't.

Yes it's tough after giving birth but that doesn't give you the right to ignore everyone else feelings and need for dignity and privacy and have your husband glued to your side. You are in a hospital, there are nurses and midwives available to you for urgent situations.

No visitors overnight, unless PN wards are changed so that all rooms are private with ensuites.

Jealous

Maybe a private room would work but with busy hospitals I’m not sure they would have enough empty rooms to treat woman in private. Plus could mean the doctor having to wait say an hour for a private room to be available to treat someone when they could do it instantly. I guess the solution would be to have certain wards for people who are comfortable with partners staying and others for people who aren’t.

I’m not sure how certain religions would feel about the woman sleeping in a room with strange men either.

TriDreigiau

Would you have felt vulnerable at the thought of other men in the room if you had your partner with you? Or a relative ?

Women should be able to cope without their partners for a few hours, good luck with the rest of parenting if you can't.

There goes the problem precisely. I had no issue parenting alone while my DH returned to his long working hours.. it’s the vulnerability of the first few days especially first night that I needed my partner.

And you can’t judge that based on YOUR experience because how your body coped and what it went through could be entirely different!

@yomommasmomma congratulations on winning the award for most moronic post I've read all week on the internet.

As far as I'm aware at no other times in parenting am I at risk of infection, tears, haemorrhaging, blood clots....

Is there also maybe an argument for PN wards having nurseries for the babies to be taken to at night? They can be looked after and brought to mummies for feeding, then mothers can get some proper rest, be looked after properly by nurses and visitors will not be required to "help".

@yomommasmomma
What a stupid thing to say, you aren’t paralysed from an epidural for the rest of parenting. How on earth is immediate post birth comparable to long term parenting?

No it most certainly is not a competition JealousOrFair
Every woman's birth experience is unique to her. It's irrelevant anyway. Hospitals need to be staffed properly by medically trained people (preferably female ones-imo birth should be a female run event, so shoot me).
What the Hell was wrong with visiting times in the past? If you have adequate staff that's much more appropriate.
I didn't feel particularly vulnerable after birth actually. I felt very angry that there had been enough staff and my babies life was endangered. I was angry with the woeful lack of care on the ward and with the horrendous overcrowding and lack of privacy. Open access for husbands does not solve this. If anything it just an enables the scandalous lack of resources.

As far as I'm aware at no other times in parenting am I at risk of infection, tears, haemorrhaging, blood clots....
And is your husband a fully trained medic? As if not how would he be able to help with any of these things?? The medical staff in the hospital are there to deal wither these issues, not the visiting men!

When i was in hospital the dh visiting the woman next to me asked the nurse to bring him a cup of tea! And she did! She wouldn't have brought me one!

yomommasmomma

This goes against nature. Just look at most mothers who are traumatized by the experience of their child being in NICU.

It’s very natural after birth to want the child as close as possible. It’s part of the emotional/mental healing.

Also think about all the mistakes in baby switching that could happen!! No no no noooo

Trewser

I know a mother who lost her baby girl because she had a home birth 15 minutes away from a hospital and that was too far to save the baby
...
And I know four mothers who had uneventful home births with healthy babies

Indeed! Yes, citing one arbitrary case of neonate death is not representative of anything is it.

I personally know, very sadly, of neonate deaths, and still-borns, very tragic . They did all occur in hospital; is this a case for not birthing in hospital, no, that would be a ridiculous conclusion to draw.

I dont know of any that laboured and birthed at home with troublesome outcomes, but that doesnt mean there aren't risks and that certain deliveries belong in a medical setting, the smaller proportion thankfully.

I can't vote on the AIBU To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

This is because I do think partners need to be heavily involved with their family at this time of bonding, for so many reasons, but I dont think men belong on wards where new mothers are going through such intimate treatment and recovery, or trying to establish bf/needing support for it, its enough to put you off completely when you look up and see some bloke gawping at your exposed breast/s. There is a fundamental difference, other women have their own breasts, there is only maybe passing interest in noticing another woman's anatomy, it does not carry sexual intent. Its gross to be invaded this way, and there are so many reports of that, and worse.

It should never happen. So your vote options create a dichotomy for me, yes partners are absolutely intrinsic to this setting, and needed,but they absolutely do not belong on a ward of new mothers with the inherent vulnerability that creates.

Women are treated like bloody carrion at some places, and they need to be in a quiet, supported setting, going to a visitors lounge to see visitors, where visitors will not disturb other mothers and babies.

Mind you, this is not restricted to maternity is it. Who hasn't been visiting when someone's starting screaming, or had some kind of accident, or needing a medical procedure, or been told difficult news, for all other patients and their visitors to hear?

There's no dignity or privacy at all.

Its wrong, but it's what we have, but it does need to change. New hospitals do have a lot more rooms and private wards from what I've seen.

Contraceptionismyfriend Sorry, didn't think I needed to specify but good evidence, please.

I agree that dads should not be there overnight. I had two c-sections and only stayed in one night but I really looked forward to that alone time with my babies when my partner had gone home for a rest and when all my families had stopped visiting. Other people’s husbands/partners would have disturbed the rest of us if they were up talking, on their phones etc.

The point I am making is that husbands are not there to deal with medial issues while you are in hospital, so they are not required overnight, the medical staff will be looking after you. Whether there is enough of them to do that is a separate question.

There is no need for your husband to be sat beside you 24 hours in order to emotionally support you through the first hours of motherhood. It creates issues for other mothers and your need is not greater than theirs.

Lets not forgot that everyone in giving birth isn’t in a loving relationship so that isn’t a solution for the staffing crisis. Not every baby born is the result of consensual sex. Some people are more vulnerable that others. It’s not all black and white.

A baby being sick in NICU is different from it being safely tucked up under the care of midwives in a nursery. Of course mothers are traumatised when their babies are so sick they need to be in intensive care.

I think a night of sleep would be the best thing to help women recover from birth, before the hard work and sleep deprivation really starts when they get home!

Women should be able to cope without their partners for a few hours, good luck with the rest of parenting if you can't

You've just completely alienated yourself by saying that. I hope I won't see an AIBU thread from you in the future complaining that your partner isnt helping enough with childcare. You'll be swiftly told by me to suck it up.

What a totally unsympathetic, pathetic remark to make. You bring nothing but shame on women. You're a disgrace.