To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

Gosh some people are so selfish and ridiculous.

Everyone's motives in this thread are essentially selfish though because they are all derived from personal experience. I can't stay on a ward with strange men because I'd find their voices, movements behind the curtains etc triggering and given that I had postpartum psychosis and pnd plus ptsd, I need to protect my mental health. Men being there are detrimental to that (through no fault of their own).

The women advocating for it are being selfish because they are drawing on their experiences of child birth and putting their needs first too.

There is no universal experience. I've had 2 emergency sections, the first proceeded by no sleep for 4 days as I was contracting every few minutes in my back and thighs, pushing and failed forceps. I needed no help from anyone once I got out of recovery. There are people who will have experienced similar to what I did and have no issues around men. There are women who will have had similar deliveries to that of dc1 who possibly couldn't get out of bed for 24 hours.

Hospitals need a policy which takes both of those valid experiences into account but until they do have one, then they need to hear how unhappy women from both sides of the coin are to come up with something for individuals.

Post natal care is not prioritised in the NHS and part of the reason they know they can get away with it is because not enough people complain, or put pressure on their MP to fight for change. And the reason we don't complain is because we are exhausted with the demands of being mothers to newborns. And by the time you regain your sanity after the horrors of your postnatal experience (that's if you ever do - I'm 13 years down the line and still on antidepressants to cope with the panic attacks that first set in on the postnatal ward), you'll be told it's all too long ago and things have changed now. I know that I really should have complained at the time because the 'care' resulted in serious long term consequences. But I didn't have the energy because I was too exhausted and shell shocked at it all. And as women we are always being told to put ourselves last, that others needs are greater. 'The NHS needs to spend its money elsewhere, you're not ill, you've just had a baby. No one forced you to have a baby. We'll, surely the only important thing is that you came home with a healthy baby.' All those things are constantly thrown at mothers.

Men in hospital would never be treated the way postnatal women are, and if they were there would be such outrage that it would be national news and there would be a public enquiry.

No (visitors) on PN wards overnight 100%, visiting hours should be 11am to 8pm and nothing beyond that.

I do think that there should be more staff but absolutely no "new dads" should be on the wards overnight when women are at their most vulnerable.

Women who are scared or anxious (every mother with a newborn!!) should be given additional help in advance to prepare them and as much attention as possible once on the ward, but still no partners staying.

You know your husband is a nice decent man, but I don't and I don't want him 3 feet away from me, behind a thin curtain when I have just given birth and have my boobs permanently out trying to wrestle a newborn on to them to feed. No thanks.

Trewser

your comments are outrageous and pretending that all women should give birth at home are stupid at best.

I shouldn't have said "emergency", that sentence came out wrong. Non emergency c-section are just a medical need as the emergency ones.

But advising women to plan their c-section AT HOME like you are doing is beyond ridiculous and you know it.

so do fuck off, you are out of order. Women don't end up on maternity ward because they have a choice.

But if you have your partner or mhm with you why would u feel vulnerable?

They can close the curtains? You can ask the midwife not to examine you while curtain is open - standard!. You can use blanket to cover your fanny!!

I think it’s easier to cover yourself than it is for a mother recovering from traumatic Labour to look after a new born on her own

No (visitors) on PN wards overnight 100%, visiting hours should be 11am to 8pm and nothing beyond that.

but why? You are in pain and pissing blood just as much at 3am that you will be at 3pm, and you will try to grab some sleep at any time!
If visitors are an inconvenience, they are just as noisy at night as they are during the day! (actually more, people seem to think that it's acceptable to speak normally because it's daytime!)

I had a fairly traumatic labour and looked after a newborn on my own for, ooh, 3 months! That wasn't too easy, but I think most women can manage a few hours. And again, trained staff should and can be there.

There was a very long thread about lack of post natal care on here a few years ago. I think it resulted in a MN campaign?
Does anyone know what happened with that?

While I don't agree with you on the visiting aspect of your post @yomommasmomma, I do agree a lot more needs to be done to prepare ftm.

I thought my 'Getting Ready For Baby' midwifery care pre birth was good, but after giving birth I realised how little it actually helped. Absolutely nothing on how often to feed or how to actually look after a newborn baby. I was out of my depth and the added complications of an emcs and an infection meant I had no real ability to look after DD properly, and no confidence in myself to do so. My partner was the only one who helped me. The midwives told me they'd be back and never returned, or made me feel totally useless by telling me "you need to look after her I have another person to see", while I can't get out of bed to get to her. I risked injury how I pulled myself out of that bed but I had no choice. I also dropped my buzzer in the night and couldn't reach it. I didn't want to be a nuisance at 3am so I didn't shout out for help. I sat there helpless until 7am. Until care improves having a partner there can make the biggest difference. None of my struggles would have ever been an issue.

I often think the people who say this are those that haven't had a c section. Due to complications I couldn't get up for 2 days with my first and only got up out of bed at about 11pm with my second and third who were twins. Literally couldn't have managed without help on both occasions, and the nurses were too busy to help much. YABU

Exactly @JealousOrFair

But advising women to plan their c-section AT HOME like you are doing is beyond ridiculous and you know it

Where have I said that? What on earth are you ranting on about?

The fact you find perfectly innocuous comments about other mother's experiences so enraging is beyond strange.

I hope you get the help you need.

HepzibahGreen

Do you mind explaining what you mean by traumatic Labour? Did it influence your recovery? Was your judgement clouded due to drugs ?

It’s not a competition.

I was on a room with four beds and I had to get something done to my stitches down there with just the curtain pulled over I was screaming in pain . I don’t think men should be in that room when woman are getting procedures done or getting their private bits looked at. It was bad Enough another 4 woman were there. Also a lady in the room soiled herself and even though staff were sensitive and spoke quiet we could hear everything.

I have had three c sections and I don't support men on wards overnight. Unless everyone has a private room.

There is so much focus on being pregnant and hypnobirthing etc, women are woefully underprepared for the realities of birth and the first few months of having your first baby.

The first 6 months with my first son was the hardest thing I have ever done and the first few hours also. I certainly didn't want someone elses husband sitting the other side of a curtain all night.

Women need privacy and dignity in the hours after giving birth and not someone else's husband snoring. Birth is one of the very few bits of life where it is not about men!

MutedUser

Ok perhaps men can be asked to leave when such procedures or conversations are taking place.

I’m very conservative and body conscious and I would say while it bothered me but that guy has seen his Partner go through all sorts and probably not Interested to hear about your stitches. But still it’s about privacy and confidentiality so I would say we need a middle solution that’s takes in the need for medical privacy but also the need for emotional support but the partner.

A compromise solution to be honest.

Is there anyone here who actually had their partner with them who thinks they shouldn’t have been there? I wonder whether most women saying they felt vulnerable was BECAUSE there partner/family member wasn’t there.

Reading this makes me even more determined to give birth at my local, very small hospital than in the larger city one. The local one only has two maternity beds, and none of the wards I have seen have more than two beds in, so I'm unlikely to face the same troubles as you have.

Fingers crossed I don't need to go to the city hospital, it sounds like it could be a nightmare.

I really don’t want men I don’t know in the post natal ward.

Yanbu at all. I was on an open ward when I had hyperemesis, had to walk to the toilet with a drip in, and bring my urine sample out to the nurses station, in my hospital gown which opened at the back, someone’s husband bumped into me and my wee went over my hand. I was already so low. We are so vulnerable while pregnant and post birth, I didn’t want strange men around me. They can stay all day ffs, just go home at night. Not everything is about the comfort or wishes of men.

Those that needed their husbands to pass them stuff etc, that’s a separate issue, caused by the under funding of our NHS.

But this isn’t about men.

This is about babies needing a capable parent while the other one is compromised.

This is about women needing support in breastfeeding/looking after themselves and coping with motherhood when they’re still traumatized/under the influence of drugs.

If it was up to my husband he would’ve preferred to be at home sleeping on a bed instead of his neck getting pain from sleeping upright on a chair..

We are so vulnerable while pregnant and post birth, I didn’t want strange men around me. They can stay all day ffs, just go home at night. Not everything is about the comfort or wishes of men

This.

JealousOrFair

Yes I do understand that they probably wouldn’t care about my stitches but as you said I have the right to privacy. I don’t think they would be very happy to have procedures done to their privates in a room full of woman .

Maybe asking men to leave would be a solution but who would police it. The nurses wouldn’t have time to make sure all the men are out then make sure they stay out. With 5 other woman on the ward it would happen constantly. Then they would get the men moaning that their wife needed them and would refuse to leave the room. Then the patient who was getting something done in in privacy would be made to feel awful and everyone would be aware of what was happening

Muted

Maybe someone who has a problem with being examined behind curtains should be given the option of being taken to a private room to be examined. Like an empty room
Dedicated for that? It’s more work on the nurses and midwives but less work than if all the dads left?

Or as I said, maybe only female relatives should be allowed overnight?

Wow. I had no idea so many people apposed this.

Yes After birth you are your most vulnerable but that is exactly why I needed my partner there:

He wasn't with my first and it was a horrible and frightening experience being a new mother, he was allowed to stay with my second and the help he gave me that first night in hospital when I was in so much pain and exhausted was invaluable,
Curtains where drawn and I could of given 2 flying f*cks what else was going on in the room.