To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

Why are you assuming women are speaking for others? So very many women have been victims of domestic or sexual assault, those posters probably ARE referencing themselves, they just aren't going into the gory details for your benefit

Oh, come off it. By that token every poster has suffered, then. They don't need to go into gory details for my benefit. What would be great though is posters who are using that argument to bolster their own views would cut it out.

Women are strong and don't need other women to speak for them. They are capable of speaking for themselves on a thread like this. So let's not dilute their struggles.

Well it won't if partners are allowed in, will it?

There will be no reason to and post natal care will just sink to a new low.

I was hoping that single rooms would be standard in new hospitals but depressingly it appears from further up that thread that post natal wards are singled out for NOT getting rooms.

My local hospital has added a ward on the mat unit for women who wish to have their partners stay. I think that’s a good way to do it.

"What would be great though is posters who are using that argument to bolster their own views would cut it out."

Am genuinely confused by this. Are you really saying that women should not discuss their own or other women's experiences of assualt and violence at the hands of men on this thread? If so, why on earth do you not think this relevant?

It is such a pointless argument. The reality is that outside the Mumsnet vacuum a majority of women want their partners there

Evidence, please.

Aye, vanillaicedtea. Anyone claiming to have been abused themselves is probably lying and a man-hater, and anyone saying they’re speaking up on behalf of other women is just doing it for nefarious underhanded reasons. But you’re the one respecting the true strength and agency of women!

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG the evidence is that any other time I've seen a thread on it on Facebook for example everyone's happy for it.

Oh and the fact that it's been rolled out in multiple counties now and nobodies marched in the streets.

But then what about the needs of those women who's health and the health of their babies would've been in jeopardy without their partner?

Am I allowed to be against partners being there overnight as it's linked to a sexual assualt in my teens? Or more accurately, the PTSD after the attack. You can't see that by looking at me.

My view was that women should have access to a female only environment at night if they want it.

I would have absolutely hated other peoples clueless partners staying overnight.

Dh had a good night's sleep, dealt with our other dcs and made nice food to bring to me during the day.

Had my last one at home which was the best ever.

Anyone claiming to be abused has my utmost sympathy, actually. I genuinely don't see how people can't see that if they haven't suffered with abuse or assault, it's not their place to talk for victims, especially when the outcome benefits them for other, less important reasons.

Anyway, I think this issue would be solved if there were wards where men could stay, and another ward when it is women only. That way everyone is happy.

contaception I’m not sure that’s true. I didn’t want my partner there at night, I wanted him rested so he could take over when he arrived the next day. I have had several nights in hospital with complications (seven over two deliveries) and I didn’t want him to stay any of them.

Most friends sent their partners home too for the same reason, or when there were older siblings to look after. I’m sure some women do want their partners there but to say most do isn’t my experience.

The ward I stayed on allowed men to stay but most went home (maybe two men stayed on a bay of 12 beds).

I was recently on a post natal ward, in a room with one other woman. Her partner was saying the most awful things to her, implying that he thought the baby wasn't his and calling her a 'fucking piece of shit' if he speaks to her like that in the day she's given birth to his child when he knows someone can hear god knows what goes on at home. I told the midwife in the end (in a private room, in floods of tears), it was just so upsetting.

Thankfully this hospital didn't allow partners over night but i was still expected to leave my baby alone in a room with this monster while I went to the loo and showered (out of the bay and on the ward).

*Am I allowed to be against partners being there overnight as it's linked to a sexual assualt in my teens? Or more accurately, the PTSD after the attack. You can't see that by looking at me.

My view was that women should have access to a female only environment at night if they want it*

Absolutely. You have a genuinely valid reason and there should be a ward which is strictly women only to help you feel as comfortable as possible. I think in your case a ward with more midwives would be great because I know after giving birth, a lot of trauma came back to me. It can be tough to get your head around and you need that extra support.

@TheCatInAHat I sent my husband home the two times I was kept in.
However I know that a lot of people depended on their partner. A few who could've done without but enjoyed the company. And a lot who didn't care either way.

The reality is until the care bucks up its ideas that this is the status quo.

So it's not for women who want their partners to stay to fork out for a private room.

It's for those who want privacy to source what they want. Or to consider a home birth.

@MistyGlen I’ve heard similar experiences from other women, staff won’t help care for the baby because it isn’t their job, but the women are physically incapable of fully caring their newborn without assistance- have had major surgery etc.
It’s odd because patients on other wards recovering from major surgery would never be expected to get on immediately like nothing had happened, fully take care of themselves with and an additional human being that can deprive you of any sleep/rest. For some reason some people seem to take the attitude that if it’s related childbirth it doesn’t count.

At my local hospital they added a ward specifically for women who want their partners staying with them. I think this is quite a good idea rather than just private rooms? Wards where partners are welcome staying, a separate ward for women who do not wish to have their partner stay.

Ditto pain relief in my experience, neonglow. Quick non-baby-related keyhole surgery and they were practically throwing morphine at me. Emergency CS under general, covered in bruising afterwards because they yanked the baby out so fast, and by a few hours post-op it was "here's your paracetamol".

Some of you would think you’re the first women to ever give birth 😂

@Zebraaa some of you would think that women don't still die from childbirth.

I don't get why so many women can't make the leap from "I want my totally lovely partner there" to "but that means every other partner there too".

Even if every man on the ward behaved nicely, you still have double the number of people wanting to use the facilities - toilets, showers, just the sheer issue of space..

And of course not every partner will be lovely. You'll get the selfish tossers who want a half hour long dump with mobile phone in hand while some poor woman whose pelvic floor is knackered after birth pees herself because the toilet is occupied. You'll get some selfish twat hogging the shower while a woman who has crapped herself (again, not that uncommon in the day or two after birth) can't clean herself up.

That's before we even get to the minority of men (but unfortunately a non-negligible minority of men) who are violent and abusive.

Expecting women to share with male strangers - because that's what other women's partners are - in open plan wards immediately after giving birth is barbaric.

We need more money invested in midwives, nurses and adequate staffing levels.

I had twins. The twins had to have IV antibiotics, so they had to stay and I was breastfeeding.

I got no help from the staff, because I think they forgot about me. I got no sleep as one baby or another was crying/feeding all night.

The only help I got was the staff admitted they could not expect me to drag both cots all the way to SCBU on my own - I felt like my stomach muscles had been ripped out; and I’d been astride a horse for several days, presumably from the efforts of pushing two babies out!

I got no dinners because they brought the dinners round just as the twins had to go to SCBU. I asked the staff every evening to save me a dinner for when I got back - and they never did! There was never anything left for me. I was starving, breastfeeding twins!

Life would have been so much easier if DH had been able to stay!

Mont I can't even imagine what that was like for you. You did absolutely amazing coping with that.

I have pstd. If my consultant hadn't got me a private room I would have been going home hours after my 2nd emergency section. I sympathise with women who need their partners, I have had 2 emergency sections (the first after a very long labour, pushing and failed forceps) and a baby in NICU so am hardly a poster girl for straightforward birth experiences but partners shouldn't be there at night, staff should. I will admit especially with the first I would have liked him there for the emotional support (not the physical as I bounce back very fast) but I don't believe men should be there overnight.

My dh is having surgery to fix a hernia soon. I'm not expected to be in the hospital caring for him because they have staff for that.

They are about to start building a new Maternity hospital to replace the one I had my dcs in. It's going to be only private rooms because there have been so many issues and I think that's the only way forward.

I have had two children, one was an emergency caesarean. I hated being on a ward and had so little sleep. New mothers arrived on the ward during the night, babies cried and some mothers were chatting loudly on their phone from 7 am. If there was also the chatter of mothers with their husbands it would have been even more hellish. The ward is for patients and their babies. If you want your husband there look into a home birth.