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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:
DoctorAllcome · 10/09/2019 08:27

That “uncomfortable” feeling is sexist prejudice. This thread is full of it. Talking about other men in the news who have assaulted their partners, so now these women are “uncomfortable” having any men around after birth. We should not pander to prejudice of any kind.

53rdWay · 10/09/2019 08:28

We should not pander to prejudice of any kind.

So would you like to campaign for the NHS to scrap single-sex wards everywhere, what with that being standard policy now? Or is it just postnatal wards where we shouldn't get to have that when we're patients?

DoctorAllcome · 10/09/2019 08:30

@OooErMissus
“Women's random male partners do not and are not.”

Neither do the mothers, nor any female partners, nor any female relatives.

DoctorAllcome · 10/09/2019 08:32

“So would you like to campaign for the NHS to scrap single-sex wards everywhere, what with that being standard policy now? Or is it just postnatal wards where we shouldn't get to have that when we're patients?”

No. I’m talking about visitors. Not patients/wards.

53rdWay · 10/09/2019 08:34

No. I’m talking about visitors. Not patients/wards.

You're talking about allowing visitors to stay there 24/7, showering and sleeping and eating there, alongside the patients. That's making it mixed-sex. Unless you think women are totally reasonable to not want to share 24/7 with male patients, but are suddenly unreasonable sexist meanies when it comes to male non-patients?

DoctorAllcome · 10/09/2019 08:39

@53rd
Nope, I did not say anything about hospitals allowing visitors 24/7 with access to showers, etc etc. So, no I was not talking about that either.

Please desist from doing the “you’re talking about ———“ and inserting something I never said. It’s rude and not conducive to meaningful conversation.

feelingverylazytoday · 10/09/2019 08:41

Partners should only be allowed to stay in private rooms (with ensuite bathrooms) , not in bays or open wards.
Personally I think visiting hours should be restricted as well. Used to work perfectly well.
Obviously the flip side is having more staff, more single rooms, better equipped wards.

53rdWay · 10/09/2019 08:42

Nope, I did not say anything about hospitals allowing visitors 24/7 with access to showers, etc etc.

Okay, so how long do you think male partners should get to stay for, if not 24/7?

MistyGlen · 10/09/2019 08:43

But the answer isn’t partners on the ward: it’s more midwives or assistants.
I totally agree. But that isn’t going to happen. The NHS can’t afford it. So in lieu of staff providing adequate care for mum and baby, a (potentially male) birth partner has to do it.

Morado · 10/09/2019 08:43

YABU. I couldn't care less if other men saw my boobs when I was on the postnatal ward. I'd have dealt with it if it meant I could of have my OH there to pass me my baby when she was crying. I definitely made my c-section recovery worse by having to push myself to sit up over and over to pick my crying, hungry baby up because the midwives were too busy.

CrispyDorothy · 10/09/2019 08:50

A very long drawn out labour and traumatic birth meant I was struggling to BF (my milk took ages to come in) and I'd not slept for 4 days. Coping with an inconsolable (hungry understandably) newborn alone all night was awful; I needed support and there wasn't any. Midwives and post natal nurses were too busy so being able to have DH there to share the load would have made the world of difference. Especially for the first couple of nights.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 10/09/2019 08:50

We need more staff (good staff) on the wards

My ward was under staffed. All of us who struggled shouldn’t have and wouldn’t have if the wards were staffed sufficiently

ThomasRichard · 10/09/2019 08:52

YANBU. Having your partner stay overnight is lovely for a woman with a non-abusive partner who can provide appropriate support. Not so lovely for:

  • all the other women on the ward;
  • HCPs trying to do their jobs;
  • women without a partner;
  • women whose partner can’t stay because they have older children;
  • women whose partner is abusive;
  • women whose partner behaves idiotically or has no idea what to do to support them.

It’s a crap idea born of a privileged world view seeking to rectify issues caused by dire understaffing on maternity wards.

DoctorAllcome · 10/09/2019 08:53

@53rdWay
“Okay, so how long do you think male partners should get to stay for, if not 24/7?”

Male partners should be allowed the same access and privileges as any other visitor in accordance with the hospital established visiting hours. If we make a case that visiting hours on a post natal ward should be restricted, then that would apply equally to all visitors regardless of sex or relationship to the mother.

ashtrayheart · 10/09/2019 08:55

I have had 4 sections; no men allowed to stay and I am very glad! Bad enough having to listen to other women snoring as well as crying babies.

If you're in need of a side room then fair enough. Or if you pay for one.

53rdWay · 10/09/2019 08:57

If we make a case that visiting hours on a post natal ward should be restricted

But they are restricted. Nowhere in the UK has unlimited visiting for postnatal wards, surely? Confused

DoctorAllcome · 10/09/2019 08:58

@ThomasRichard
So because some women do not have a partner or a bad/absent partner, we should ban all partners?
That’s ridiculous. That’s like me saying we should ban all grandmothers from post natal wards because while it is lovely for some women to have their mother there, it isn’t lovely for women whose mother is dead, abusive, home caring for older kids, etc etc.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 10/09/2019 09:02

No one is banning anyone

What people are saying is that there should be restricted hours for partners to visit and that wards needs to be staffed better so we get the support we need

53rdWay · 10/09/2019 09:06

Yeah, I wouldn't want everybody else's mums staying overnight either.

simplekindoflife · 10/09/2019 09:06

No. Just because some women are fine, doesn't mean every woman is. Giving birth can often be straightforward with no complications, but sometimes it's not.

I had a two day labour which ended in an emergency C section. I lost a lot of blood and we nearly lost our daughter, I was utterly traumatised. Sad We were put back on the ward at 2am and I was drugged to the eyeballs, while throwing up after a reaction to the drugs.

There is absolutely no way I could've looked after that baby safely.

The midwifes were rushed off their feet and my husband had to call them a few times because I started to bleed heavily and couldn't stop being sick, but they were too busy to come for about an hour. Not their fault but there were others who were worse! (Worst and busiest night they'd ever had apparently!)

If my husband had have been banned from the ward, i'm not sure I would've made it out in one piece! He also fed our baby as I was too ill at that point to breastfeed. Who would've done that?! Certainly not the midwives, they were just too busy!

DoctorAllcome · 10/09/2019 09:06

@53rdWay
Look, I’ve really tried with you. But I’m sorry, I am going to stop talking to you now. You know very well various people have mentioned on this very thread hospitals allowing over night visitors and how that should be restricted.
Find someone else to poke with your stick.

ThomasRichard · 10/09/2019 09:06

Yes, I am. It’s putting women who wouldn’t benefit from having a partner staying overnight at risk. We have single sex hospital bays and wards for excellent reasons of patients’ safety, privacy and dignity. This doesn’t go out of the window in a maternity unit. Women have the right to recover from birth away from the male gaze, whether that’s being ogled while attempting to breastfeed, being assaulted, walking to the bathroom in a hospital gown past 7 different men, having a catheter changed with only a curtain between them and the man in the next cubicle, discussing very personal medical information with the same, or any other of the numerous scenarios that would be humiliating or dangerous for women. Just because a ward is understaffed to the point of women suffering from poor care doesn’t make adding additional risks an acceptable solution.

Skyejuly · 10/09/2019 09:10

Most people have the curtain pulled? I cant say I ever felt surrounded even in a ward because I just use the curtains! My husband stayed. I had 3 children with my ex all 3 times I was alone and I have PTSD over hospitals, having my husband stay with my 4th prevented and and just helped so so much having him around...also freed up midwifes. I didn't need constant care, just rest and obs.

SteamedPotatoes · 10/09/2019 09:11

Our local maternity unit do not allow this.

DoctorAllcome · 10/09/2019 09:13

I’m sorry, but your rationale is rife with sexism.
“Women have the right to recover from birth away from the male gaze,whether that’s being ogled while attempting to breastfeed, being assaulted, walking to the bathroom in a hospital gown past 7 different men, having a catheter changed with only a curtain between them and the man in the next cubicle, discussing very personal medical information with the same, or any other of the numerous scenarios that would be humiliating or dangerous for women. ”