To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

I suspect that if you had a ward for patients with partners and a women only ward the hospital managers would see that as an opportunity not to increase staffing levels. However that would mean that partners would be in a position to go and find staff for help and advice and non-mobile patients on the women only ward would wait even longer to have bells answered.

You do that vanilla - 100% your choice to pay for a private room and look after number one.

Not everyone has that choice. The rest of us will give some thought for the other women in our shared space, and the experiences they might have had that would make them wary or anxious of having strange men in their space.

After giving birth women may be incapacitated, immobilised, in pain, under the effect of drugs, or otherwise unable to care for a newborn. In lieu of the NHS providing care for mother and baby, someone else (often the father) has to provide it.

I’m sorry if anyone was upset by my partner being on the ward, but I was catheterised and paralysed from the chest down for 12 hours after my c section, mentally clouded and drowsy from drugs and lack of sleep, and I wasn’t capable of providing care for a newborn. Someone had to pass me the baby and change him and make sure I didn’t do anything unsafe. Then when I was up and about, someone had to watch the baby while I showered off the blood and used the toilet. The nurses refused to do it, saying it wasn’t their job and the mother and/or birth partner had to look after the baby. How could I have coped without my partner there?

I also needed food after giving birth and not eating for 30 hours - I was shaking and nauseated but the nurses said they didn’t provide food and I had to wait till the catering team brought breakfast in eight hours time. So I needed someone to bring me food while I lay paralysed in bed. How could I get food and drink if my partner didn’t bring it?

The fact is, the NHS doesn’t provide adequate care for new mums and babies. They can’t afford to. And that care is necessary so fathers end up providing it.

I had DD 16 yes ago when fathers could stay if in single rooms.
However the woman next to me had an agressive partner who refused to go,put the television on full,lights on and moved my bed so there was no room for DDS cot as he didn't have enough room.
He ignored midwives and security didn't come.
DD and me spent a lot of the night in the waiting room wrapped on blankets on chairs put end to end.
Security only turned up when another father came up to postnatal with his partner and the two of them started to square up to each other.

I would have been in trouble if my husband couldn't stsy that first night. Between bloodloss crom. 4th degree tear and numbness from surgery to fix it, I was unable to get up for my baby who wasn't left close enough to my bed for me to get myself. He was allowed to stay withmme till about 5am that night.

The American birth experience was better.... private room with pull out bed for him.

I’m about to give birth and quite shocked that most women think they don’t need their partners potpartum,

I gave birth at night. I was absolutely not capable of looking after myself or my child after my Labour. I was still lacking judgement due to the medication.

My DH did all the nappy changes, and he actually collected collustrum from me to give to the baby.

Maternity team and nurses were good but I genuinely needed 24/7 support for me and the baby as I was mentally unable. Desperately needed sleep after long Labour and missing the nights sleep before.. and DH was physically and mentally more capable to handle the situation and I needed him for going to the toilet and getting on and off the bed.

Nurses and midwives were busy. I was breastfeeding and felt like I was almost going to drop the baby because I couldn’t move and I asked for nurse to help me put baby in his cot and she seemed unimpressed,

Another woman had her partner and it was fine because we had curtains around us..

I found being on a post natal ward after a traumatic birth to be a horrible, invasive experience. midwives constantly invading my space including literally grabbing my breasts to try and show me how to feed baby (without me asking), and taking blood from me when I was sleeping. This was made a million times worse by baby having to go into ICU for several days. If my partner hadn't been allowed to stay with me, I don't know how I would have made it out with my mental health intact.

So would you say it would be ok for female members of the public to be there supporting? Like mum staying over to support her daughter instead of the husband?

I’m struggling to see how some people don’t think they need their partners. I think people who had straight forward births might be ok.. but many of us who has traumatic experiences and left us feeling completely knocked out and drugged up... I just don’t know!!

I think that it should be allowed within private rooms but not on the shared ward, on the understanding that those on the ward will be home within 24hrs or so.

My maternity dept had a leaving time of 9pm for all guests. I was in a private room (due to DD's condition) and barely got any sleep for the week I was there, despite being exhausted. I could have really done with a hand to hold through some very long nights and not worrying about going to sleep for an hour or so.

I think it's a great. I can't see any difference with hem being there in the day or in the night, babies are 24/7 anyway and partners be there all day anyway when other women are breastfeeding and catheters being taken out etc.

I hated it when my partner left at night. I had a baby that cried all the time and wouldn't latch. It was awful on my own as a new mum who had no idea what they were doing and there were only 2/3 midwives on at night so there was no one to help me. I felt really alone. I had also just given birth (!!) so my mobility wasn't great and I really needed sleep. My partner being there to support and help would have been invaluable.

It would have been better for the other mums too as we could have taken turns with soothing crying baby in the hallway rather than baby screaming in the ward.

Yes but we are not getting more midwives are we. It's just not going to happen.

No men, more midwives.

Reading these stories, I’m so glad I had my babies outside the UK. In NZ I was in a small 4 bed ward, with just one other woman and plenty of support from the MWs including my own personal one who’d followed me all through pregnancy and delivered my baby (shoulder dystocia, traumatic birth and all). DH had been there through the whole thing, he was sent away to eat a massive breakfast then sleep for 12 hours, before coming back to visit. I felt very supported by the staff and my MW.

Birth 2 was in France. Single room at a small supplementary cost, so DH did stay with me during the 3-day labour. I had privacy, own bathroom, and again plenty of mw support. And yes, this was in a public hospital.

I gave birth abroad where my husband was allowed to stay and it was wonderful. I think it would be lovely if it were allowed. Surely even in shared rooms there’d be curtains anyway?!

So Isabelle all visiting men are drunks and all women perfectly well behaved.

That's not what I said, and you know that's not what I said. Why are you trying to misrepresent?

YABU. I already felt lonely and isolated on my postnatal ward. My baby was in NICU whilst I was recovering from the EMCS, without my DH (and later my mum when DH travelled with DS to a different hospital) I would not have emotionally coped.

So hard being a mum on that ward without a baby beside me.

I feel so sorry for everyone who has had a dreadful post natal experience. I really do.

But the answer isn’t partners on the ward: it’s more midwives or assistants.

Incidentally, the partner of the woman across from me was in the newspaper a year after our babies were born. He had physically and sexually assaulted his partner.

This wasn’t the impetus for me not wanting men on the ward at night: I already felt strongly that I didn’t

So no men on post natal wards ever because of the actions of a small minority. Utterly ridiculous.

Some of the experiences on here are dreadful.

The answer is more HCPs, not partners.

Since we're not likely to get more midwives, maybe we need to look at dedicated female wards to guarantee that for people who do feel uncomfortable and private rooms where possible if partners are to stay, with some wards where partners can stay as well. Ideally people who are well aren't staying for long anyway. People who aren't able to go home do need someone to help. If it can't be a male partner could it be a mum or a female friend? Because it has to be someone and, again, we aren't getting more midwives any time soon and women are giving birth right now.

If you don’t want men on the wards then go to a private hospital, preferably in a nunnery where there are no male doctors, midwives or nurses.
It’s absolutely ridiculous to try and ban only male partners because they are male in favor of demanding more staff who will have males in them. There are male OB/GYNs, male midwives, and male nurses.

YABU only because staff rely on partners being present to take care of the women who can’t move, lift their babies etc. There’s simply not enough staff.

You get moved down to a ward at all times iof day or night. Booting out dads not long after the birth of their child is barbaric.

YANBU I was the only one in the bay without my partner there after my emergency c-section. It was awful.
I was on HDU for the 1st 2 days where I wasn't allowed to have the curtain closed because the midwives had to see me and I saw lots of people coming and going, and I did get stared at by one of the dad's while I was trying to breastfeed my baby so yes some men do actually stare. (I'd like to think most men wouldn't but it does happen).
Then being moved onto a ward with 3 other women, their partners and their babies while I was on my own and left to struggle with my baby was really hard for me. I was kept awake at night by other people's conversations, which is actually really inconsiderate. I was very self conscious with being in so much pain, not able to walk properly, hooked up to IV medication and having to wait to use the toilet because it was being used by the other women's partners.
If partners really must stay then it should be in a private room otherwise I don't think it should be allowed as it's not fair on those who's partners couldn't stay.

It’s absolutely ridiculous to try and ban only male partners because they are male in favor of demanding more staff who will have males in them. There are male OB/GYNs, male midwives, and male nurses.

What has this got to do with anything?

Male staff come with references and are vetted.

Women's random male partners do not and are not.