To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

I had a hugely traumatic birth experience and will always be grateful that my partner was allowed to stay on the ward with me and our baby during the days after the birth. I had double incontinence and was barely mobile, had not slept in days. My baby had birth injuries, cried for hours through the night from day 2, and had to be disturbed frequently for blood tests and various investigations. My partner stayed on a chair by my bed. He helped with sterilising the breast pump equipment every three hours, getting water etc, plus I needed the emotional support of just having someone there through the nights. It was a busy ward and staff were overworked and too busy to attend to everyone.

Unless every hospital has single room and designated toielts, there is no easy answer.
I understand why people wouldn't want men there, a curtain away from them when they're vulnerable.

However, I don't know how i would have survived my 3-night stay with DS on the verge of death in PICU has i been alone for say 12 hours a day. I certainly would have needed more midwifery care.
The hospital was great and found me a private room and DH slept on the chair for 3 nights, we were off the ward 14 hours a day sitting beside DS in PICU unless i needed meds or food.

This time I don't know what we'll do if the babies come out as poorly as there's DS now 4 yo to care for too

I absolutely needed my husband. I had had a 3 day labour, a c section and various other nasty experiences. He needed to be there to look after the baby, quite frankly, as I was entirely out of it. I also needed him to help me to the loo and to push for better pain relief and treatment on my behalf. He was wonderful; his presence made a traumatic time into something rather lovely.

Are the women who are against partners staying against it because their partner wouldn't/couldn't stay? I find it hard to believe women would be against it if their partner also wanted to stay to help out.

Not at all. My partner was not able to stay either time, and whilst I would have like to have him there (particularly the first time when I delivered at 2am and he was sent home at 3am), on balance I would rather sacrifice his presence than have to deal with men who I don't know being around overnight. It's bad enough during the day. I have honesty never felt more vulnerable than I did on the post natal ward. I realise that I'm lucky never to have been seriously ill or to need a long hospital stay, but the conditions on that post natal ward were horrendous. A PP called it barbaric and I'd go along with that. It's a horrible way to treat a vulnerable, exposed PATIENT, and it would not be this way if men were the ones to give birth.

I can understand why people woukdnt want other men there.

But I suffer massively with gebreal anxiety and my DP is the one person that makes me feel genuinely safe. If he cant be there overnight I dont know how I'll cope without panic attacks.

I see it from both sides but for me I'd have to have him there :(

Maybe separate wards could be an idea. One for women who want their partner there, another for women who don’t?

I cried buckets when DH had to go home and he confessed he cried a little too, we didn’t want to leave one another when we’d just gone through the biggest thing that had ever happened to us. I was also struggling to move postpartum and needed to buzz for help a lot when DH could just have helped had he been there. I discharged myself earlier than I should have done because I missed him and wanted his support.

Having my partner there probably saved my life. I needed him there desperately. Like DESPERATELY. Like I'd not slept in about 72 hours, had sepsis and had a somewhat sick baby to look after. Plus mental health problems. Sorry but HOW COULD I DO THIS ON MY OWN?? Like wtf!??? This thread is making me angry.

Are the women who are against partners staying against it because their partner wouldn't/couldn't stay? I find it hard to believe women would be against it if their partner also wanted to stay to help out.

No. I said before that my DH was traumatized and exhausted. He would have wanted to stay and do his part, I wouldn't have wanted him to. I wanted someone who understood how to breastfeed and look after a baby. I had a long difficult labour, EMCS, numb from the nipple down, smacked off my tits, shattered and terrified. I wanted nurses and MW who could help and support me because they had experience and knowledge. Postnatal wards overnight are for patients and their newborns and HCPs, it's such a shame that the level of staffing and funding is so appalling.

Vanilla, no my objection to men staying overnight is not based on DH being unwilling or unable to stay.

I firmly believe that overnight is often when women feel most vulnerable. Although I'm sure everyone who supports men being there overnight has a DH is considerate and lovely, I have enough self awareness to realise that my lovely DH and other male strangers being so close by might not be as welcome to other women. Women who bleed, are poked and prodded, shit themselves, or have to walk across a toilet spilling clots, sit on a toilet wondering if their stitches will burst. Nursing staff having intimate conversations about your episiotomy wound behind paper thin curtains all in earshot of a bunch of ranfon men. Really?? At least with visiting hours you've got an outside chance of some of these things happening without a crowd of spectators?

So you know what, your lovely DH doing his overnight bonding because you're exhausted and unwell may actually also make some women feel traumatised and horribly exposed. Would that not also cause some women to be more at risk of PND etc? Why do your rights trump theirs?

I stand by my opinion that your right to have your DH with you should never ever make another women feel vulnerable.
I also say that as a mum of boys who lives in a house full of males. I really don't have an agenda against men.

I just feel postnatal spaces should always be female patient spaces outside of visiting hours (vetted and qualified male healthcare staff aside).

Unfortunately not properly staffing hospitals for years has led us to this unfortunate situation. Allowing partners open access is a huge fucking money saving cop out and fails women spectacularly.

But mammy you don’t matter. Isn’t it obvious from some of these self entitled, I don’t care about women’s privacy and dignity, posts.

I'm a midwife and my hospital have men overnight. They had a survey where they asked if women wanted their partners to stay overnight...of course they said yes. Talk about a weighted question!

Sorry but HOW COULD I DO THIS ON MY OWN?? Like wtf!??? This thread is making me angry.

This thread makes me angry too, but for a different reason. The point is that you shouldn't have to do it on your own. In hospital, you and your baby are patients and should both be cared for. Replacing proper care with partners or family is really poor and shouldn't be allowed. When I see the treatment thar friends and family have in Australia and NZ it makes me wish I'd moved there just for those months. The system in the UK is fucked.

Completely agree @clucky3

@clucky3 absolutely, care should be adequate. But in many cases it isn't, in some it's not even safe. Until it is, the babies should be the priority. If keeping them safe (they can't do anything for themselves afterall) involves another person being present overnight then so bloody be it. This isn't being dramatic, people have been through it, and it's not a case of sucking it up. In an ideal world there would be the care, and/or separate rooms, of course there would, but there isnt.

Also added to my previous posts. My DH had the chance to stay over night but as I was fine we felt for the other women it would be best for him not to stay. We didn't want others to be uncomfortable and he also didn't want to be in a position where he might be in the way of another woman. He was uncomfortable at the potential to make others uncomfortable. And this is one of the reasons I love him. I appreciated it more when I had my other kids and had to be alone because he was with the other kids and I realised we made the right decision because it was just horrible having men you don't know around! As I said. See my previous posts

clucky3 but there won't ever be enough staff for this and I'm struggling to see how a midwife could really have played the role my husband did. I needed him as help, as comfort and importantly as an advocate, just as I did during labour, where that is completely understood and encouraged. I wasn't in my right mind or at all capable. I spent one night without him. Before the second, in the frame of mind I was in, I was going to leave the hospital with a baby who needed hospital care. He knows me so he recognised the situation and alerted the midwives. He advocated for a private room so that he could stay with me. If that hadn't been available I dread to think.

Xtinac I appreciate what you say.and you are right to have your DH. And you had a private room. They need this sort of facility if partners are to stay imo. But of course unless funding greatly improves it won't happen and unfortunately we just have to suck it up and make best of the situation we are in whether that is to have a partner or not. Shouldn't be that way and as a pp said it wouldn't be this difficult if it was men given birth.

I'm glad your DH was able to give you the help and support you needed. Midwives can't do it all. It's a catch 22 question/situation

My hospital where I've given birth four times doesn't allow it and I was glad. At times I felt vulnerable. I was wearing a gown and a sanitary towel between my legs, nothing else, also a catheter for 24 hours. It was bearable during the day to keep a bit of privacy and dignity, but during the night would have been horrible. Added to that, the wards were noisy, sweltering hot, then a load of random men who didn't need to be there.

Where I had my son we weren’t allowed have the dads stay over. I lost a lot of blood and ended up suffering with post partum psychosis and I feel it’s due to this.. I was in labour for 5 days before having ds and ended up with vaccum, forceps and 2nd degree tear. My son wouldn’t sleep was bf and constant on boob and as a ftm I was petrified and was hallucinating due to blood loss and no sleep. Midwives barely came around as were few working and busy and I was lost

what about other patients who feel vulnerable around strange women?

Don't be so fucking stupid.

I’ve always had a private room with my kids out of luck and never experienced a ward until a few weeks ago as my sisters birthing partner. We were given a side room and I was lucky enough to have a pull out bed for myself - something my DH didn’t have when we had our kids. Tbh I sent him home, I wanted peace

Sis had an elec section due to anxiety after a sexual assault. She’s very young. We had to visit the ward to use the shower and even just walking through to do that was terrifying for her. There are women at their most vulnerable who don’t need strangers near her

It’s lovely to have your DH around I’m sure everyone needs support.

There simply needs to be more midwives but they don’t appear out of thin air either. It’s a difficult one!

From reading this thread it is clear the understaffed maternity units is the main problem!! Women need experienced staff to support them after the birth and not necessarily their birth partner who might be exhausted and emotional !! When I had my children I was supported by the amazing midwives and care assistants who helped with breastfeeding and there wasn’t any rush to go home!! It wasn’t that long ago !!

Why do your rights trump theirs?

My rights don't matter, clearly. It's amazing the amount of women on this thread who have shared their harrowing stories and explained why they needed their husband's there. All valid reasons. My heart goes out to them because I get it. But they don't matter. The ones who matter are the one's who were relatively fine. We're told to deal with it and everyone else gets everyone's sympathy. I can categorically say the 3 seconds of shame I would have felt over another man seeing me hobble to the toilet would be nothing on how I felt on those nights, alone. They simply aren't comparable.

As another poster put it, I guess it is every woman for themselves. I certainly won't be putting myself through trauma again for strangers to feel better than I do. A hospital where DH can stay and/or a private room it is. That is 100% the right choice for me, and I will not feel any guilt about it. (I will likely need another c section and monitoring post partum).

I think it's a personal preference, but do think it's a shame for dads. It must be very difficult for the person you love most in the world to give birth to the person you love equally as much, only to have to go home and leave them both there.

No way, not after meeting some other women's partners on my stays on maternity ward. It was bad enough having to put up with them during visiting hours