To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

3 nights stay in hospital due to my baby's additional needs after I gave birth. No sleep for 5 nights, placenta issues and huge blood loss which made me completely weak and nauseas and barely able to stand without gasping for breath, catheter in which needed to be emptied by me very often as I had to drink a lot of water which meant me dragging my (what felt like half-dead) self to and from the toilet feeling like I was going to faint, too high heart rate which added to how unwell and unstable I felt, cleft lip and palate newborn who I had to exclusively breast pump for before each feed, plus top up with formula, which was kept in another room again physically very difficult for me to get to. Barely able to drag my (stitched up and sore, cather-laden, weaker than a feather and very faint) self across bed to reach my baby, YES I BLOODY NEEDED MY DH THERE.

Agree with a PP that if there were a lot more staff it may not have been as much of an issue but the condition I was in, I wanted him with me and our baby.

Sammy867
There's a similar set up around where I live (sadly not when I had my babies). It might be the same, but in any case, the testimonies from mothers is amazingly positive.

This should be the goal for the entire country. I bet the PND, depression rates are much lower than anywhere else too.

I had DS2 two weeks ago and the rules had changed since I had DS1 and partners are now allowed to stay on the ward.

I had a ELCS and during the pre-op the midwife asked if DH would like to stay, we said no (as long as all went well) as he would need to look after DS1. She went on to explain that if he changed his mind he would need to sign a form to say that he would adhere to their code of conduct which includes making sure that he is fully dressed at all times. She said that they have had issues with men wandering around the ward in their pants. I mean WTF...who would think that’s ok?

Thankfully I got a private room and the ward on the whole was quiet and the postnatal care was excellent.

According to Cherry Bubs you’re just being precious.

And apparently some newborn sleep through the night but not during the day too! Some posters have amazing experiences!

**That's not even mentioning the PND and extreme anxiety that hit me after I gave birth. I was a complete and utter wreck. Having my husband there every night would have been a godsend (he did stay once and his help was so needed but I wanted at least one of us to get some sleep). I definitely support women having the right to have their husbands or partners stay over if the desire or feel they need him. Staff don't have the time to be in every place at once with every woman.

I don't think my attitude is terrible, tbh. It was a deeply traumatic event and I'm utterly fed up of my feelings on the matter being disregarded because "men are evil".

I think it's a simple of case of the women who really went through it and needed their partners there are put to one side and women who coped fine but just didn't want "strange" men being there "just incase" are seen as more important. Yes, it would be great to have more midwives and such on duty, but we all know that that will never happen in the near future. So until then, what? The women who cope are fine and the women who can't cope are left crying behind a curtain after no one came to help? Women have to trail themselves out of bed and risk ripping opening their stitches to attempt to sooth their baby because no one can be arsed assisting?

Not every man is a scumbag. Most are lovely and just want to be there to help their partner with their baby and their recovery. But people love the rhetoric that men are evil and a sub species. I say this as someone who has been raped, by the way. I know how bad it can be at the worst. But sure, my opinion doesn't matter. Men are predators. Women are angels. And so it goes on...

If I'd had a rough labour and needed DH there then I would've had him there. There are times when I believe it's every woman for themselves. And with post natal wards in the piss poor condition they are I can fully understand why women do need their partners.

Of course men should behave in a civilised manner though.

When I was recovering from birth the lady beside me (who just had twins) had her husband harassing her for sex. He pulled the curtains and was going on about how long it had been and he’d be quick. If he had stayed the night he probably would have pressured her all night. That’s reason enough to be a big fat no from me.

@cherrysherbert, your post section experience sounds lovely, being so mobile, but that doesn't mean other women who are completely paralysed from the waist down for 12 hours post section are "precious". I'm guessing your planned section would have taken place in the day time so you're bound to have more feeling back in your abdomen by the evening/night. My babies were born late evening and middle of the night due to being emergencies and with my first it took 2 days to regain enough feeling in my legs to even stand, and I ended up with a 9 day hospital stay due to complications. That first night was pure hell, and having dh there would have been so helpful, trying to establish breastfeeding when I physically couldn't reach my screaming baby and having to wait 15 mins for a nurse to come each time she needed a feed was no fun. I assure you I wasn't being precious. Every inch of my body wanted to hold my screaming newborn and soothe her, and I will never forget how helpless I felt lying there with literally no feeling in half my body, and unable to comfort her. Your experience isn't every womans.

I had two very difficult births, catheterised etc etc, but no way would I have expected DH to be allowed to stay.
Sorry to those who had traumatic times and struggled to cope, but men in female spaces is never the answer. Investment in maternity care is the answer. In the absence of that I'm afraid we just need to do the best we can.
Poor post natal care is completely unacceptable, but your right to have your DC with you doesn't trump the rights of women to have privacy and to feel safe. Sorry!
As for the idea that your DH missing the first night of your DCs life affecting his bond and you being the expert to his detriment after 10 hours, well I'm sorry but that's the biggest lot of bollocks I've ever heard. Try telling that to parents with babies in NICU who aren't able to hold their babies for days or weeks.
Honestly, one or two days of discomfort don't compare.

YANBU!

With DC1 nobody could stay on the ward beyond 8pm- so DH was packed off home, I was in a shared bay with 3 other women, the amount of general noise and disruption overnight was horrendous.

Speaking at normal volume on a mobile a 3am, playing music/watching TV loudly on ?phone/hospital TV

The daytime was even worse with all the endless visitors, the smell of McDonalds/KFC wafting in the air

A few guests using the bathroom/toilet in our bay- so inappropriate

I digress

I am pretty certain that having DH with me in that bay would have simply equalled 2 totally knackered new parents instead of just me!

DC2 the rules had changed in the same maternity unit and partners etc could stay overnight- and sleep in a chair next to the bed

DH and I were unanimous in that he would go home and get a good night's sleep so at least one of us would be with it over the next few days

Second time around was amazing with a private room and all the better having a totally rested DH to care for us on our return home

Personally I think we need more midwives/auxially staff

So no dads on postnatal wards st all then seeing as there is little difference between night and day. Sounds peachy.

Or not.

New policy seems to be to let dads stay at night. Thank goodness.

I had an anxiety disorder and was petrified of being in hospital, particularly without the support of my husband. I was also placed in a private room. In America and Canada it is commonplace for partners to stay over and they have a spare bed in the same room. That said, they don't have wards, that I know of (am relying on my friend's / families examples here). I do, however think that, where MH is an issue and there is a private room available, the husband/partner should be allowed to stay over.

With ds1 I nearly died during the delivery. I had a 3rd degree tear and an episiotomy. I was in incredible pain and was unable to get out of bed, feed, change my baby. The midwives were so busy they barely had time to even look in on me let alone help me with the baby. If dh hadn’t been able to stay my baby wouldn’t have been looked after. In some cases it is necessary.

@MintChocAddict

I'm not trying to cause offence, but I wholeheartedly disagree. One or two days of discomfort is not everyone's experience. Discomfort would be you knowing someone's partner is behind a curtain, no where near you. Agony and trauma is what can be faced by a lot of women, and having someone there can be the difference between PTSD and PND, and being okay.

Why is it that the "just incase" narrative is more important to the narrative that is actually happening. One woman suffering is acceptable as long as 6 other women don't feel slightly disgruntled? I think that's precious.

Since when have maternity wards been female spaces? never met a male HCP before? and I'm sure at least 50% of the babies are boys?

I had ashes for a side/private room and was willing to pay like my trust requires. Due to me having an emergency c-section I had to be in a shared room with 3 other women.

If my husband hadn't stayed with me I would have been a mess! I couldn't change my baby due to all the cannula a in my hand for the drips, I couldn't lift him on my own nor could I walk for the first day. I was checked by staff maybe twice or 3 x a day and it would take ages for a midwife to come when I pressed my buzzer. Without my husband it would have been an even worse experience.

Even though the mum gives birth I think it's fair that partners are allowed to stay. There aren't enough staff to help.

Absolutely not

It’s important that all women can rest as much as possible

Investment in maternity care is the answer.

Of course it is, it's unlikely that will happen anytime soon though.

In the absence of that I'm afraid we just need to do the best we can.

For some people they were unable to do the bare minimum to keep their newborns and themselves safe, why are people's experiences just dismissed as should have just cracked on dear. No wonder men dismiss us so much, women do it to eachother!

Are the women who are against partners staying against it because their partner wouldn't/couldn't stay? I find it hard to believe women would be against it if their partner also wanted to stay to help out.

The reason I couldn't rest after delivery, apart from you know the actual baby and agony, was the daft bint next door who relayed in dramatic detail her delivery to everyone in her phone book, one at a time, and the one who wouldn't use headphones to listen to her music at 11pm (This was after DS2 when DH didn't stay). The bloke in the curtained cubicle with his wife in the same room as me after DS3 was born was not seen or heard except for a grunted 'morning' the following day. I know which I'd choose as a room mate again.

I also am laughing at posters saying women should get as much sleep as possible on a maternity ward so no partners. Honestly, I doubt many women got more than an hours sleep. So I think this is a pretty point to make, tbh. A quiet man will not be keeping them up anymore than 5 crying babies.

Well, seeing as the healthcare professionals don't have time to help you with the baby, many women need their partner there with them. It's either that or dealing alone with a crying baby, establishing feeding, etc, having potentially had no sleep for several nights and recovering from birth - the biggest physical challenge there is.

I feel very strongly that all women should have their own room after giving birth, where one person (partner or otherwise) can stay with them to help out. It's frankly barbaric to expect women in that situation to be on a hot, uncomfortable, noisy, brightly lit ward, separated from a bunch of complete strangers with only a flimsy curtain.

I was sent to the post natal ward after my first child, I was fine to go home but it was 7pm on a Sunday when I left the delivery suite. It was a bit rubbish my husband having to leave only 3 hours after I'd had our first child. I'm not clingy or precious about him being there generally but it was crap that he'd just had a baby too and had to go. I didn't want to stay but first baby etc I was very agreeable. I wouldn't have cared if husbands stays, as long as they were quiet.

Second baby I hadn't even got the baby out and I was planning my exit lol! "So how soon can I leave?" it was great I gave birth at 8am so my husband didn't need to leave and we got to go home 4 hours later. No sat there on my own at 5am messaging him, he was sat beside me helping out!