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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:

HumphreyCobblers · 09/09/2019 21:19

The post natal women have to be there. The men don't.

And there should be a break from having to put up with lots of extra people on the ward.

Backtothedrawingboard1 · 09/09/2019 21:19

This seems to be one of those topics where women get pitted against each other, when the real fault lies with the appalling state of postnatal care. I come down on the side of "no partners overnight", if it's going to cause some women significant distress for privacy or modesty reasons, but there is nothing pathetic or inadequate about needing more support than the system currently provides. I was left lying in bloodstained sheets for days, I was denied painkillers for long periods of time because "we're too busy" and I was belittled or shouted at when I asked for help because I couldn't stand up or lift my baby out of the cot yet. I ended up falling asleep with her in bed with me by accident because I was so exhausted and ill, and then I got yelled at for putting her at risk. I'm confident that this all contributed to my subsequent postnatal anxiety and depression. When women are put through this shit, it's not surprising when they want someone there, even if, after weighing up everyone's interests, that request can't be granted.

Oh, and I'm a single mother. But that's just life - doesn't mean that married women are wrong for wanting their partners just because I don't have that option.

HumphreyCobblers · 09/09/2019 21:19

goodness, for bloody YEARS we had adequate staffing and no men allowed overnight.

TruthOnTrial · 09/09/2019 21:20

Women are just as bad as men.

O am so tired of hearing this trotted out blithely.

Pp did state the stats of male violence on women in maternity wards. A proportion of males pose a significant threat of sexual assault and violence against women. Its no place for men.

Women are not sexually assaulting and hurting women...they are, at worst marching up and down in, what was it, micro nighties. What a horrible thing to say. Good for her if she has a great body that shes confident of. She doesn't have to cover it up shes on a ward of women and their babies.

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 21:20

If you’ve given birth at night you’d like that break in the day.

FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 21:20

And there should be a break from having to put up with lots of extra people on the ward.

so if my baby decides to fall asleep at 1pm, I can ask for every visitor to be removed and patients to shut the hell up so I can sleep too until baby wakes up?

I'd love to know how you want to implement that, but that would work for me!

53rdWay · 09/09/2019 21:21

I'd be fine with no visitors (including partners) at all during the day or night, honestly. Visitors and the noisy hell they created was the worst thing about the ward to me. BUT, I appreciate that not everyone feels the same as I do. So I'd be happy to have the setup that the hospitals I was in had, where partners were there all day but asked to leave at night. If you want to have them there during the night but not during the day instead, okay.

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 21:21

Jesus are you trying to terrify women.

Who knew wards with men were such dangerous places. My midwife never warned me.

strawbmilk · 09/09/2019 21:21

I needed my DH as there was a lack of staff. No one to change my blood sodden sheets, had to ask 3 times for my catheter to be emptied before a midwife sat on it, my drugs were only given once a day despite being prescribed as every 4 hours. It was utter hell. If he wasn't there I'm not sure what would have happened as there was no one to help.
My mum when she had me was washed by the midwives. Different times...

TruthOnTrial · 09/09/2019 21:22

Some of these stories are appalling.

They sound similar to the way cattle are treated frankly, no better, and in some cases worse.

A sad indictment indeed.

for all the poor and inadequate/risky treatment.

ginginchinchin · 09/09/2019 21:22

Honestly I feel so sorry for new mothers now. I had my kids in the late 1970s. Pre-birth if you wanted to see your consultant every single week you could. My time was just after they'd stopped (locally) 7 days in hospital post birth to allow Mums to recover - for me it was three days. I had epidurals with both of mine (paid for, it was experimental) and was recovered from the rigours of birth when I went home. We weren't made to feel bad if we wanted to bottle feed - we were assisted with whatever method of feeding we chose. On returning home we had the midwife visiting for 10 days, then the health visitor took over with weekly visits until they were sure we were happy to leave to get on with it. If we wanted more support we could ask and it was there. Honestly I'm not making it up - I know it sounds like a dream. I feel so sad that my granddaughter who is now 20 weeks will probably not have anything like the quality of service that we had, and you all deserve so much more. I thought that it would be better now, but it definitely isn't (oh, and I agree that Dad's should not be staying overnight on maternity wards)

HumphreyCobblers · 09/09/2019 21:23

no, FrauHaribo, but it is not a race to the bottom.

In the absence of single rooms, which is ideal, postnatal wards should not be cluttered up with men who have no business there overnight. For specific periods of the day OBVIOUSLY fathers should be there. FFS. no one is arguing for that and it is a fallacious argument to state that if you don't want men there overnight they shouldn't be there in the day either.

FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 21:23

TruthOnTrial
I don't give a shit about someone's body, my point was about the stupid cow disturbing an entire ward by being disrespectful and noisy!

Women are not hurting women? On which planet are you living?!?

HumphreyCobblers · 09/09/2019 21:23

On the planet where men are much much more violent than women and commit 99.5 percent of sexual crime FrauHaribo.

Cherrysherbet · 09/09/2019 21:24

I had two natural births, then a planned c section. My Husband went home at night for all of them. I coped just fine. I was able to care for my babies.
With the c section I was able to lift her well. I got him to leave everything where I could reach it, and there was no problem. I enjoyed that special time with the baby.
The only problem was that after a c section they had to leave the curtain back for the first 24hrs, for safety reasons. This left me having to put up with a couple opposite me talking all night. She asked her dh to do everything little thing for her, and they had to discuss it in great detail! He also decided to call everyone he knew in the early hours to announce the birth, because “he couldn’t wait any longer”. Fucking inconsiderate twat.

Grown up women do not need a partner there all night. Let them go home, and get some rest. Then they can come and do their bit during the day. Don’t ruin other people’s experience, just because you are being precious. It’s not fair.

Zebraaa · 09/09/2019 21:24

It’s a hospital, not a hotel. Women are patients and need time to medically recover.

Some partners are extremely helpful and others really aren’t. It makes more sense for them to get a decent sleep to be able to help more in the day/when you go home.

Plus, for the few who have said their calls bells were ignored and never answered, the call bells need to be turned off at the bedside so it’s impossible that they were just ignored. It just may have taken a little longer to get to you as usually there’s 2 midwives and a support worker to care for 20+ women and babies.

HumphreyCobblers · 09/09/2019 21:24

oh, and the planet where the women are the patients! So no choice about them

FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 21:25

HumphreyCobblers
why is that? There's no night and day on a post-natal ward!
Either you need calm and quiet or you don't - you can't have it both ways. The argument doesn't stand at all.

Slink01 · 09/09/2019 21:25

@isabelle

But that was a single incident. On the whole a tiny minority of men have caused issue. There will most likely be the same amount of women who have kicked off for X Y or Z reason (actually witnessed a few grandmothers to be being rather obnoxious for various reasons). In my eyes people are blaming the issue here on Men when surely the actual issues here are

Poor facilities for post natal care
Poor security for when things go wrong
A lack of police resources

All of these could be addressed by properly funding emergency services and the NHS but the governments we have appear to focus on building fancy train sets we dont need and lining their own pockets.

Genuinely I abhor the behaviour of some men. I'm not saying that anyone should have to witness poor behaviour from men (or women for that matter) but please dont allow them to ruin it for the rest of us.

FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 21:26

oh, and the planet where the women are the patients! So no choice about them
so it's fine to be assaulted and abused by women, but not by men?

Ridiculously stupid argument.

clucky3 · 09/09/2019 21:26

If men had babies it would be different.

So true. And so depressing

Sammy867 · 09/09/2019 21:26

In my maternity unit all the dads were allowed to stay day and night, but each woman had her own room. In fact I didn’t see another baby or mum the entire time I was there. The level of care was amazing. You stayed in the room you gave birth in. The bed was a double bed that was a pull out from the sofa once you’d given birth and midwives came in through the night to help mum breastfeed. Each room had its own en suite with shower and toilet and there was a birthing pool in each room and equipment. It was nice as we had support of the midwives with breast feeding, first bath, etc but I wasn’t alone. They checked sutures, discussed all the aftercare etc and made sure we were happy before discharge. I stayed in 3 days in total learning breast feeding with support from the midwives. This was a midwife unit attached to the local hospital so all nhs as well

cadburyegg · 09/09/2019 21:27

[b]And BTW women snore too, and babies cry all night, perhaps ban them, Oh wait...[/b]

Erm, you seem to be forgetting that the women and the babies have to be there, they are the patients!!! The men are not!!

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 21:28

How dare you call the experiences people have described on here as being precious. Cherry

Untamedtoad · 09/09/2019 21:28

I had an emcs with dd2, so having dh there to help lift baby to me and aid with nappy changes was brilliant that first night. With dd1 (also emcs) he wasn't allowed to stay and I spent the first night constantly buzzing the midwife as I had no feeling below the waist so physically couldn't get to her when she was crying!! I think it's great for c-section mum's, or mum's with bad tears, who are uncomfortable and could do with a little extra help. I also think it's nice for dads to be able to spend that first night helping and bonding with their new baby. With dd1 she was born late evening, so dh was quite quickly ushered out once we came out of recovery, and I felt he'd barely got to see her. Imo it's a great option for new parents to have.

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