To think that it is up to me what I do when my child in swimming lesson.

[swimmingmum6]

My children have swimming lessons at a lovely local swim school. The groups are small. Teacher is with 3-4 children in pool, parents poolside but not involved in lesson. I enjoy watching but also chatting to the other parents and answering the odd email so that I don't have to do it when my children are in bed, or when I'm properly with them.

Just had this posted on Facebook page. AIBU to dislike the tone? I'm not glued to my phone, look up and encourage frequently but I am also a working mum who gets little space in the daytime and reserve the right to catch up with a couple of emails while my child is in the pool supervised and learning.

The post reads:
Recently I have noticed a sharp increase in the use of mobile phones and tablets on poolside during our lessons.

Understanding how busy our lives are parents can be, I would like to trial our poolsides as ‘Digital free’ zones.

I would like to give you all permission to step out of your hectic day whilst your child is swimming with us by turning your phone off or onto silent.

It is wonderful to see a child encouraged and supported by their parent/Carer poolside when they have achieved something new or master a skill they have been working on. These shared experiences will create memories of their precious early years.

I am hoping by giving you permission to delay writing that email or text will enable you to relax, focus on quality time with your child and create a closer ** (name of swimschool) Community!

If you have a sibling waiting for their lesson or their brother/sister why not encourage them to watch, pick up additional teaching points or bring a book or homework to do.

Should you have a pressing matter to attend to or need to make an urgent call, please may I ask you to step out of the pool to do this when swimming with us.

I would appreciate your thoughts on this idea, so please do respond to this post with a 👍🏼 or ❤️ or comment below.

With much love and many thanks,
(Name of swimschool teacher)

What do you think?

Take one of the posts about child gazing at parent with big eyes.

Replace constant, focussed, unwavering, uninterpreted, parental gaze with a really large ice-cream.

My dc love it when I buy them a really big ice-cream. They have such a happy, proud smile.
My dc are so disappointed when we walk past an ice-cream seller and I'm looking at a vegetable stall. They look at me with big, sad eyes. They tell me afterwards how sad it made them...

What happens if an adoring, diligently observing parent has to pee? Is the child scared for life if they believe daddy is watching but look up to see him gone!

Why is watching swimming lessons more important than every other moment of a child's life? Children learn constantly.

It's harder to focus on learning when you're essentially performing for approval - it's widely accepted that intrinsically motivated learners do far better than those who rely on external motivation.

Training your child to work for the reward of parental approval rather than to achieve a goal is as bad for them as the really big ice-cream. Both parental cheerleading and ice-cream are of course lovely sometimes, but bad to expect and need constantly.

Nothing like sitting and crossing your legs so that you are ‘present’ @Anothernotherone. Makes you hyperalert.

I feel like an ice cream now for some reason. Don’t know why??

My husband works on a Sunday. I get up with my son at 7, have breakfast, do things together till 10am. We also do stuff together from 11am until around 6pm. Go on a trip, bike ride or similar.

Between 10 and 11am I wrestle him into swimsuit and hat and out again into clothes and in between I have 40minutes when I chill out and read my kindle while he improves his swimming stroke and makes incremental progress in his distance. I do not apologise for not watching his every move. He should be watching the teacher and focussing in his own practise not looking for me.

Winesalot

@swimmingmum6 your post of 0745 really resonated with me especially this bit

I would love to be all singing and dancing, joyous at everything my child does, living in the moment. But the truth is, I'm not. And extra pressure to make memories and not waste their precious childhood doesn't help

Nobody is and it shouldn’t be painted as such. Lord knows modern parenting has enough pressures without this perpetual ideal being shoved down our throats we should beatifically smile at our adored bairns 24/7 because “every moment is precious” and “they grow so fast”.

I have a couple of friends who’ve had actual parental burnout trying to uphold this standard plus a host of other commitments: IT DOESNT WORK. They have been told to quite literally dial it down and calm the event planning and play dates.

Now their children have as much if not more fun in Morrisons or taking a bus into town with Mummy of a Saturday instead of the usual car. That’s their new “normal” and it’s making for happier, more relaxed and secure kids.

Finally, (yes I am on my soap box now) I would recommend anyone reads both Philippa Perry “The Book you wish your parents had read” and “The Danish Way of Parenting”. They both outline how parent and child can co-exist mostly harmoniously whilst taking a realistic view of what parenting should look like.

And it’s not gazing at your nippers intently as they dive for a brick at the bottom of the municipal pool.

Rant over.

If you need your teacher telling OP, I charge £5 per lecture

I’ve not read the whole thread but I have read the OPs updates so apologies if I’m missing anything.

I’d be really pissed off with this. Very much so. I employ a swimming teacher to teach my child how to swim, not to tell me how to behave. I would feel very judged by said swimming teacher and I think if I replied, that would be the gist of it. It would probably result in my D.C. being booted out of the class but I wouldn’t want to go back anyway.

I’d be saying something like

‘I note the contents of your email dated xxx.

It’s taken me a while to reply as I wanted to articulate myself as clearly as I could. I looked long and hard to find a swimming teacher that was right for my DC to provide the right environment for them learning to swim - caring, professional and friendly. The tone of your email makes me question that choice.

Your email is very patronising and judgemental about the parents poolside, people about whom you have little knowledge of, no idea of their circumstances or how they manage their time. Was that the tone you intended to convey?”

Alternatively just go with the Mumsnet standard - ‘Dear swimming teacher, are you on glue?’

Paulhollywood thanks! Funnily enough, that first book you mention has been giving me the shakes every time I see it in a bookshop because I thought it would make me feel bad about my parenting! Sounds as if I might need to read it!

And it’s not gazing at your nippers intently as they dive for a brick at the bottom of the municipal pool

Amen to this.

And let’s be clear, these pressures are modern phenomena. Our own parents were not expected to give as much mental and emotional energy to their kids as we do.

My mother spent many hours at the viewing gallery while I swam. But she had 2 smaller children and the paper with her.

I also remember lots of time trailing round supermarkets, department stores, interior shops (because she loved that). I learnt to be bored. It’s a good skill.

As a swimming teacher, when a child has worked really hard on something and is super proud of the self, to look at their parent for acknowledgement and see that they weren’t watching is upsetting. But I agree the tone is really patronising.

As a parent, I want to have a chat while my child is swimming so I can see both sides..

that first book you mention has been giving me the shakes every time I see it in a bookshop because I thought it would make me feel bad about my parenting!

I’m listening to the Phillipa Perry book on audiobook and I would say it’s actually quite comforting - not only that others struggle and overcome things, but also that you know more than you think you do. It’s reassuring rather than anything, for me. It’s basically a lot of the Hiw To Talk principles of empathy etc but coming at it as much from a parental view of how this parenting stuff can make you feel not just how your reactions make the child feel. I’d recommend it. And I relate to your ‘parental burnout’ feeling too. Don’t beat yourself up because you didn’t like the message from the swim teacher - just recognise it and move past it.

Its worth a read @swimmingmum6

It’s modified how I interact with DD who’s 3... I used to be a bit too “military” but now spend time playing with her properly and I’m basically demobbed after 15 mins as I’m cramping her style amongst the soft toy community.

I also now ask her why she is upset or angry etc instead of being previously a bit dismissive.

It’s working alright

Frankly, most people could do with spending less time gaping at a phone, so if this is what it takes to get some restrictions in, I am not that bothered and we will probably all be better off as a society

@Kokeshi123 Perhaps society would be better if people spent less time on their phones, but I don't think it's the teacher's place to direct parents / carers how they spend their leisure time. If parents were reading a book or newspaper, I don't think she'd be telling them off.

Don't feel bad because someone grossly overstepped their remit and boundaries OP. You aren't doing anything wrong.

Just say that as a working parent you tend to use the time during swimming lessons to catch up on work emails so that you can spend quality time with your children after. And I would email the teacher privately rather than on Facebook. To be honest though, if you don’t need to be in there to supervise then you might as well go and wait outside - is there a coffee shop area you could go to?

Good on them. Put your phone down and watch and encourage your child. It will mean the world to them

I’d step out because I don’t need some jumped up sanctimonious arsehole informing me that I am allowed to take a break! Fuck off.

I don't think it's the swimming instructor's business what parents are doing while their DC learn to swim. It might be annoying, but crikey there's more important stuff to take issue with.

When my eldest was learning to swim, he specifically asked me NOT to watch him. It was a small swimming pool with no viewing gallery, so everyone sat around the edge on benches and chairs. I'm sure I was clocked sitting further away reading my Kindle and only glancing up from time to time. One of the other parents made it her business to watch DS and fill me in on his progress. I still don't know if she was judging me or being kind. I did tell her the situation though, so possibly the latter. In saying that, she used to shout instructions and 'encouragement' at her children from the side of the pool, which I thought was a bit too much in the other direction.

Now that DS can swim, he likes me to watch, so I do.

Good on them. Put your phone down and watch and encourage your child. It will mean the world to them

You've no idea if it will mean the world to them or not. There's every chance they won't care at all.

At my son's swimming lessons there are that many kids in the pool, all wearing swimming goggles and the regulation hat, that I sometimes struggle to spot mine. There are way too many kids across the numerous groups (swimming stages) for everyone to get a seat in the viewing area with a clear view of their child too. And it doesn't bother my son if he can't see me; he's too busy chatting to the swimming teacher or another child.

Frankly, most people could do with spending less time gaping at a phone

I don't disagree, but if I sit there reading a magazine, the net result is the same: I'm not staring at my child with adoring eyes waiting for them to achieve their 5m badge or whatever it is. My son did gymnastics for a term and I used to take work with me rather than watching.

Also this all assumes people only have one child. When I took ds swimming there were a lot of mums (and dads) there with younger children so their attention was more on them.

I agree with the swim school. It's a half hour lesson, spend it watching your child's progress.

I repeat my point - what do you do if you have more than one child?

I think it smacks of helicopter parenting and can damage a child’s development to be permanently watched like this. My child did dance lessons and parents were not allowed to watch at all apart from one class at the end of term. We were told it puts children off.

It's a half hour lesson, spend it watching your child's progress

Progression in hanging on the side until her turn?

Valuable.