Homeless but buying brand new cars

[uptheapplesandpearss]

This is a long one, please stay with me lol.

SIL and BIL are extremely bad with managing their finances. They live in rented accommodation, with 2 DC. I've been with DP 4 years, and in that time, have witnessed DP be pressured into lending SIL large amounts of money by their mother.

Their rent is around £700 a month, SIL is a SAHM and BIL doesn't have stable work, so no stable income. They go on luxury holidays, buy very expensive dogs and cars, all while borrowing money from DP to pay their rent, feed their children etc.

Myself and DP are youngish, and both lived at home when I fell pregnant, which meant we wanted/needed to move out of our family homes and move in together, in our own house. While we were hastily saving for a deposit before DD arrived (with absolutely no savings prior) MIL was pressuring DP to give money he had saved for this to SIL. He refused since he knew how she was choosing to spend her money and why she was short for rent etc. and explained we actually needed this money for a home for ourselves and DD when she arrived. MIL then turned around, furious, saying he was leaving his SIL and her DC homeless and without food! He was leaving them in that state?! She didn't care about how we needed that money for ourselves and our child! DP annoyingly but understandably ended up giving them the money.

DP has also ended up paying for their shopping, rent on many more occasions and sometimes, I don't even know what they are asking for the money for. We are not well off ourselves, we now live in our own home, but I myself am a SAHM so DPs wage is the only income we have and it's not a lot, he is an apprentice.

Their money situation has became so bad recently, they decided to move out of rented accommodation and back in with BILs parents (who they are aware treat their DC appallingly). So their money situation is that poor they are choosing to live with people who borderline abuse their children, but are still going on holidays, buying new cars etc.

As I said earlier, I am a SAHM and DP an apprentice, we have a home to run and a child to provide for, we're left with little money at the end of the month. Now whilst since we have moved out, they have not asked for any money (knowing we could not afford to lend it) they have started doing what feels like using us, in other ways.

They come round to see DD, but as soon as they sit down will say "ok, what are you feeding us". Myself and DP meal plan as a means to save money, which means we buy enough for one set meal for breakfast, dinner and tea everyday. We never plan for them to come for breakfast/dinner/tea, so when they do this, we are subsequently left a meal short for that week.

I don't feel as though I can say this to them though, as before or straight after they have asked for food, they will say because of their poor money situation, they have nothing in the fridge at home etc etc.

SILs excuse for her poor management of money is that she has a very poorly controlled illness which means she may not live as long as someone who doesn't have it (but it doesn't mean she will die tomorrow) so she wants to make memories with her DP and DC. AIBU to think this is an awful excuse to almost lose your home and leave yourself and children without food?

AIBU to feel we are being used and that we shouldn't be made to help someone who puts themselves in such situations because they aren't careful with their finances? AIBU to be livid with MIL for pressuring DP to lend money we desperately save up and need ourselves whilst she has a rich husband who could lend SIL money no problem, but she won't ask?

@Nextphonewontbesamsung 🙄 because I wasn't sure if I was being incredibly selfish for not wanting to help someone who's struggling despite them putting themselves in that position, since everyone else in the family thinks were disgusting for refusing!

You have a DP problem. He needs to grow a backbone and put his child ahead of his sister. Are you and DP both very young? He's a Dad now. He needs to say "no, I can't do that now I have my own child to take care of" on repeat. Re food, just tell them sorry you've not got anything in but you're sure MIL will feed them once they're home.
You both need to stick together on this.

@SleepingStandingUp we are both young, think university-ish age, if that makes sense

I agree, he definitely needs to stand up to his family. He has started to with regards to lending money, but not with anything else and it's very frustrating.

I’d cave and feed the children too in those circumstances. But I’d give the adults a cup of tea and make it clear that you’re going without and have given the children your dinner, and there’s no more food to spare.

I think they are jealous. But as you are living rent free in a flat bought for you by your mother, and at only 19 your dp has a well paid prestigious apprentice I can see why they think you have money to spare!

Do they know that you have fallen out with your mother after she called you a little bitch and threatened to stab you, and you are saving up to move out?

If you give them an (edited) account of what happened and tell them there is no money to spare they will have to back off.

@OwnerofanAngryCat they know that although we got the flat bought for us, we still had to save up a lot of money to go towards it as well as money towards solicitor fees, a new boiler, and doing the whole flat out.. so despite our very lucky situation, they know we're still strapped for cash and saving for a deposit on a house for us to move out into eventually.

They know exactly what happened with my M but it hasn't stopped them

Well if you're living rent free I can see why thry think you're a good touch up for cash. But it doesn't matter. That was a gift from your Mom. Your partner earns to pay bills and feed and cltohe the three of you, not prop up sisters irresponsible spending.
If she is adament she needs money, at most I'd concede to buying them some food, absolutely no cash.

If you have a budget so tight that you're having to work out every little meal down to the last bean then it is affecting your child when you feed them, just say no. Honestly it'll get easier the more you practice it. The next time they tell you that their children are starving suggest they cancel the holiday or sell the dog.

YANBU. I would decline further loans and not provide them with food when they ask

He has started to with regards to lending money, but not with anything else and it's very frustrating.

I do think it will take him a while to be firmer. After all, as far as SIL and family are concerned, he was an easy source of income until he met you. He needs support and encouragement at this stage - you said your MIL was borderline abusive - so, being realistic, it would be unusual if he flipped completely very quickly.

Well if they have repaid all the money they borrowed, are no longer asking to borrow money the only outstanding problem you have is them asking to be fed and you've had lots of advice on that.

They do sound very chaotic but given that you are now limiting the impact to your family I think you should focus on improving your own family's situation rather than how badly they are managing theirs. You are very young and your partner's career success will not necessarily guarantee your future, I would really recommend looking into your own career options to secure your financial independence.

@OhamIreally thank you for your advice! I was at university before I fell pregnant, studying midwifery and have arranged returning next year to continue my studies, so my career path is very clear and certain

That's great news.

I hope you find a way to avoid the manipulation of your in-laws and you will be set fair as a couple then.