Homeless but buying brand new cars

[uptheapplesandpearss]

This is a long one, please stay with me lol.

SIL and BIL are extremely bad with managing their finances. They live in rented accommodation, with 2 DC. I've been with DP 4 years, and in that time, have witnessed DP be pressured into lending SIL large amounts of money by their mother.

Their rent is around £700 a month, SIL is a SAHM and BIL doesn't have stable work, so no stable income. They go on luxury holidays, buy very expensive dogs and cars, all while borrowing money from DP to pay their rent, feed their children etc.

Myself and DP are youngish, and both lived at home when I fell pregnant, which meant we wanted/needed to move out of our family homes and move in together, in our own house. While we were hastily saving for a deposit before DD arrived (with absolutely no savings prior) MIL was pressuring DP to give money he had saved for this to SIL. He refused since he knew how she was choosing to spend her money and why she was short for rent etc. and explained we actually needed this money for a home for ourselves and DD when she arrived. MIL then turned around, furious, saying he was leaving his SIL and her DC homeless and without food! He was leaving them in that state?! She didn't care about how we needed that money for ourselves and our child! DP annoyingly but understandably ended up giving them the money.

DP has also ended up paying for their shopping, rent on many more occasions and sometimes, I don't even know what they are asking for the money for. We are not well off ourselves, we now live in our own home, but I myself am a SAHM so DPs wage is the only income we have and it's not a lot, he is an apprentice.

Their money situation has became so bad recently, they decided to move out of rented accommodation and back in with BILs parents (who they are aware treat their DC appallingly). So their money situation is that poor they are choosing to live with people who borderline abuse their children, but are still going on holidays, buying new cars etc.

As I said earlier, I am a SAHM and DP an apprentice, we have a home to run and a child to provide for, we're left with little money at the end of the month. Now whilst since we have moved out, they have not asked for any money (knowing we could not afford to lend it) they have started doing what feels like using us, in other ways.

They come round to see DD, but as soon as they sit down will say "ok, what are you feeding us". Myself and DP meal plan as a means to save money, which means we buy enough for one set meal for breakfast, dinner and tea everyday. We never plan for them to come for breakfast/dinner/tea, so when they do this, we are subsequently left a meal short for that week.

I don't feel as though I can say this to them though, as before or straight after they have asked for food, they will say because of their poor money situation, they have nothing in the fridge at home etc etc.

SILs excuse for her poor management of money is that she has a very poorly controlled illness which means she may not live as long as someone who doesn't have it (but it doesn't mean she will die tomorrow) so she wants to make memories with her DP and DC. AIBU to think this is an awful excuse to almost lose your home and leave yourself and children without food?

AIBU to feel we are being used and that we shouldn't be made to help someone who puts themselves in such situations because they aren't careful with their finances? AIBU to be livid with MIL for pressuring DP to lend money we desperately save up and need ourselves whilst she has a rich husband who could lend SIL money no problem, but she won't ask?

You say dp is pressured into lending money but it sounds like giving money to me.
I'm assuming you/he never get it back or it wouldn't be as much of an issue.

It is not understandable that he gave them savings while you were saving for a home when pregnant at all. It's understandable that he felt like he should, but not that he actually did.

Stop feeding them when they visit. I would be blunt and say something about them spending thousands of pounds on a dog but not buying food.

Also, anyone can die at any time. Sorry but true. Having an illness that may or may not cause this earlier than 'expected' does not give you free reign to blow your money and not live within your means. By all means spend spare cash on hols or whatever you want but food and housing are not optional, they come first. (All aimed at them not you obvs.)

I would not be giving another penny and may even suggest a repayment plan for all of the money lent so far, since they can afford thousands of pounds on a pet. Just something like £10 a week or month even.

When you get the abuse and pressure from dp mum, explain that funding your SIL lavish lifestyle is restricting your family even more and you have been more than reasonable doing so for so long, but that SIL and BIL are still living beyond their means with no intention of changing. "If you continue to pressure in this way we will no longer be spending time with you or them".

I think it’s time you stopped enabling them to live in the way they are. They aren’t prioritising their basic needs because they have learnt that they don’t have to. If they have no money for food or rent it’s ok. Someone else will pay it for them, and by continuing to feed them it is reinforcing the “it’s ok someone else will feed us” thought chain

As harsh as this is you need to step back and look after your own family, it is not your responsibility to provide anything for them

I would say next time they ask “sorry we haven’t got the food to feed you” when MIL tries to make you or your DH feel bad state you don’t feel it’s benefical to anyone to keep enabling them to be so financially irresponsible

The minute I see/hear of someone buying seemingly endless luxuries but 'can't afford to buy food' or 'pay the electricity bill' I lose all sympathy.

If you CBA to be a grown up and make the least bit of effort to prioritise and budget, then I really can't give a fuck and you aren't going to be spending my money because you've spent all yours.

Your DP needs to get his balls out of his mother's handbag before she cuts them off altogether.

To answer a few questions -

I understand why DP, in the end, gave up and lent them some - not all - of the money he'd saved up for our deposit. Like I said in my OP, manipulation from his mom and he really would hate to see innocent children out on the streets or without food.

Every time he has lent them money, it has been before we moved out together (mainly before we were saving for a deposit), sorry if I didn't make that clear. He no longer does, I think he feels he can now say no because he's no longer living with his mother where he can be manipulated into giving it. They have eventually paid us back the money, but it took almost 9 months!

I don't feel I can say no when they ask for food, because the children are asking for it too, and before I can even respond to them asking for it, they guilt trip me into it by saying "we have nothing at home, we're starving etc" and again, I'd really hate to see the children go without any food, they're innocents here

We would NEVER give to others if it meant letting our DC go without, shes 100% always got everything she needs, I would have no qualms telling someone where to go if what they were asking for affected her.

"Homeless" is what they call themselves, probably a way to manipulate people?? They're not really homeless are they. They've just moved out of their own home into someone else's.

I don't know where they get the money from, I know they have started borrowing from others, not sure who though

And no, of course I didn't find out they bought a dog at 3am, I found out earlier in the day and have been so annoyed by it, I hadn't been able to sleep. I know they can't afford insurance for it btw, or any vet bills that come their way, they've had dogs before that didn't get the right medical attention they needed and they had to be given away

OP please stand up for your family. Their behavior has gotten out of hand and it's not up to you and your DP to fund their lifestyle. The best thing my therapist ever taught me was that you don't have to be nice to anyone. Let them whinge/complain to MIL it's not your responsibility. That 2k dog could have fed them for 2 months!

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords

@Ringdonnaright?! ...because I'm literally seething lol. They've just bought a bloody £2000 french bulldog*

What, since your OP at 3.30 am you've found this out?

OP mentions dogs in her OP.

You are both absolutely pushovers. Start putting your children first. You have got yourselves into this situation and now you need to get out of it.

@Mousetolioness thank you

Your DH needs to step up here and support you in saying no. For your child's sake.
My parents have been in this situation all their married life. They never stood up to my grandparents. In fact I'm an only child because they 'couldn't afford another' due to financial support to my dad's siblings.

Good grief! This CF is up there with the Mexican house thief story!!

It beggars belief. That poor dog. How long until it needs a vet - and then what? I'll tell you what - they'll expect anyone around them to pay the bills because the "poor dog is suffering".

I'm taking my three cats to the vet today; two annual check ups for flea/worm treatment and my kitten is being neutered. I've saved for a month to afford this!

Your DP is an apprentice

I’m baffled that he has so much money available to give them.

Your bf needs to toughen up and it sounds like you need a job.

@lovemenorca the last time he lent them money was when he was living at home and had no outgoings, he was able to save a lot and he gave them a portion of what he had saved. Plus he's paid a lot more than the average apprentice and the more qualifications he gains the higher his salary becomes

They are cf of the highest order.
Next time the ask for anything just smile sweetly and say "oh we were just about to ask you for a loan. You obviously have spare money and we are struggling at the moment"
When asked what your feeding them say "oh I dont know but if you pop to the shops and get some ingredients I'll happily whip something up"

If their children are going hungry then an anonymous phone call to SS is needed.

They are living like drug addicts. No stable home, chaotic lifestyle and children going hungry.

You're all enabling those children living with a level of neglect.

I would plan a cheap meal for when they come. Not petty cheap, just low cost.

I wouldn't hold back on the home truths, to them, or MIL. SIL would be able to get counseling, even from a charity, for her health issues.

@TatianaLarina I don't need a job, we can live comfortably on the money we get when we budget the way we do. Plus, if I got a job I would have to pay for child care, which would honestly mean there would be no point in working, I've looked into it

They get to choose how they spend their money. You and your DP get to choose how to spend your's. There's no need for seething or being livid.

Just to add, those children are now going from neglect to abuse.

What is the so concerned family going to do about it?

Sit and ignore it?

I agree with shatnerswig.

I'd go NC with all of them, they sound awful. I do feel sorry for your husband as he's grown up with this toxicity. He needs to put his own Dd first.

They will grow up with money when they have no choice and people stop enabling them.

If you can't go nc just be out when they come over or hide upstairs if need be!

I don't feel I can say no when they ask for food, because the children are asking for it too, and before I can even respond to them asking for it, they guilt trip me into it by saying "we have nothing at home, we're starving etc" and again, I'd really hate to see the children go without any food, they're innocents here

But if you keep giving them money 'because they have no food' they will never stop spending their food money on nice things because they know people will bail them out.

When they say 'we have no money for food' and you know they've just bought a car, paid for a holiday or bought a dog, you need to start hearing 'we spent our food money on X, Y, Z non essential.

Maybe offer them some cheap bread, beans, porridge etc, but don't give them any money.

£2000 on a bloody manky dog?

No, not £2k on a "bloody manky dog". £2k on a living, breathing, sentient animal that probably came from a back street breeder (no reputable breeder would let a dog go to people in their circumstances), that will have a miserable existence and no doubt be dumped in a rescue centre when the novelty wears off or the first big vet bill comes in. 😡

"SIL and BIL, please stop guilting me into feeding your children. You've just spent £2000 on a dog rather than on using that money to feed your family. We refuse to subsidise you while you are buying things that WE can't afford"

We haven't gave them any money since the time mentioned in OP. That was months ago. Myself and DP were living apart then, he did it then told me about it, so I really didn't have a say in it all. I'm not the one giving them any money and neither is DP anymore. I have heard they are borrowing from others though.