Homeless but buying brand new cars

[uptheapplesandpearss]

This is a long one, please stay with me lol.

SIL and BIL are extremely bad with managing their finances. They live in rented accommodation, with 2 DC. I've been with DP 4 years, and in that time, have witnessed DP be pressured into lending SIL large amounts of money by their mother.

Their rent is around £700 a month, SIL is a SAHM and BIL doesn't have stable work, so no stable income. They go on luxury holidays, buy very expensive dogs and cars, all while borrowing money from DP to pay their rent, feed their children etc.

Myself and DP are youngish, and both lived at home when I fell pregnant, which meant we wanted/needed to move out of our family homes and move in together, in our own house. While we were hastily saving for a deposit before DD arrived (with absolutely no savings prior) MIL was pressuring DP to give money he had saved for this to SIL. He refused since he knew how she was choosing to spend her money and why she was short for rent etc. and explained we actually needed this money for a home for ourselves and DD when she arrived. MIL then turned around, furious, saying he was leaving his SIL and her DC homeless and without food! He was leaving them in that state?! She didn't care about how we needed that money for ourselves and our child! DP annoyingly but understandably ended up giving them the money.

DP has also ended up paying for their shopping, rent on many more occasions and sometimes, I don't even know what they are asking for the money for. We are not well off ourselves, we now live in our own home, but I myself am a SAHM so DPs wage is the only income we have and it's not a lot, he is an apprentice.

Their money situation has became so bad recently, they decided to move out of rented accommodation and back in with BILs parents (who they are aware treat their DC appallingly). So their money situation is that poor they are choosing to live with people who borderline abuse their children, but are still going on holidays, buying new cars etc.

As I said earlier, I am a SAHM and DP an apprentice, we have a home to run and a child to provide for, we're left with little money at the end of the month. Now whilst since we have moved out, they have not asked for any money (knowing we could not afford to lend it) they have started doing what feels like using us, in other ways.

They come round to see DD, but as soon as they sit down will say "ok, what are you feeding us". Myself and DP meal plan as a means to save money, which means we buy enough for one set meal for breakfast, dinner and tea everyday. We never plan for them to come for breakfast/dinner/tea, so when they do this, we are subsequently left a meal short for that week.

I don't feel as though I can say this to them though, as before or straight after they have asked for food, they will say because of their poor money situation, they have nothing in the fridge at home etc etc.

SILs excuse for her poor management of money is that she has a very poorly controlled illness which means she may not live as long as someone who doesn't have it (but it doesn't mean she will die tomorrow) so she wants to make memories with her DP and DC. AIBU to think this is an awful excuse to almost lose your home and leave yourself and children without food?

AIBU to feel we are being used and that we shouldn't be made to help someone who puts themselves in such situations because they aren't careful with their finances? AIBU to be livid with MIL for pressuring DP to lend money we desperately save up and need ourselves whilst she has a rich husband who could lend SIL money no problem, but she won't ask?

@Passthecherrycoke yep, no longer lend them money as DP wages won't cover it now he's moved out of his family home, has his own home and has bills to pay etc. but they come around asking for food claiming they have none whilst spending all this money on unnecessary things!!

They're now borrowing money from others

gosh, OP, it all sounds so hugely stressful. But if you and your DP are looking after yourselves and your family, that's the right priority.

What does MIL say when they buy a dog or a holiday when she's saying they have no money also?

More fool the others.

Tell them that the Applesandpairs bank and cafe is closed for business and watch SIL have a dramatic relapse of her illness!

@LionKingLover absolutely nothing

@Ghostontoast sounds about right

Move far enough away to be out of reach. If the pair of you can't summon up enough backbone to tell them where to go then there is no other solution.

You, your husband and your MIL are enabling their behaviour.

Until you, your husband and your MIL stop helping them then their behaviour will not change.

You're complaining about feeding them but you only have to say no and mean it.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Stop helping them, let them fend for themselves.

I'd go with a confused look 'Really? No food? Didn't you just go on holiday/buy a new dog? I'm really worried about all of you if you have no food at all. Have you spoken to social services?'

Or, if you're less confrontational, keep a log of how often the kids come to you hungry, feed them beans on toast, and remind their parents of their duty to feed their bloody kids!

My SIL does this to a certain degree with MIL - constantly turns up at hers and expects her and the kids to be fed and gets annoyed when there’s nothing in the cupboards. She also during school hols expects MIL to take her and the kids out for cake and coffee often - it’s about £20 for everyone to have a slice of cake and a coffee (because of course the kids can’t be expected to share a huge adult sized slice - even though they leave most of it).

SIL bought brand new car - 11k - on finance. Doesn’t ask us for money but MIL moans all the time about living in poverty so DH has given MIL money (which then funds SIL). We earn decent cash but don’t buy new cars so it all riles. SIL also gets her visits to FIL paid for, we don’t.

Yet she won’t work full time as she doesn’t like her job. Drives us potty

What a pair of feckless fuckers. How long before MIL gets sick of their poncing, I wonder?

When MIL asks for a meal at yours OP, just explain that "We plan our meals for the week and have only got enough for ourselves, I'm afraid. We have to do it that way as we're on a tight budget."

Is SIL the golden child, by any chance?

Stop enabling them by feeding them. Keep some pasta and cheese sauce in for the kids and only feed them, then you know they're fed.

Sounds to me like they're hammering credit of some sort, cards maybe. Either way, they're CFs of the highest order.

@burntpinky totally sympathise, it's so frustrating when you're so careful with your own finances and feel you have no choice but to help others who aren't

@LakieLady she is the golden child 🙄

I'm in the camp of have some low cost food in the house you can feed the kids, poor sods.

I'm sure they will soon get the message that the bank of brother is closed.

Dragging Brexit into this discussion is the height of absurdity.

So absurd it's almost funny, and certainly desperate. Bit odd how that poster seems to have delivered that little gem and disappeared.

OP you are enabling their behaviour by not saying no. That's your choice, but every time you feed them or the children you facilitate their irresponsible behaviour.

Never give them money (or food) again. People like this will never learn as they somehow always make it though by using other people. They need to actually fend for themselves and seemingly won’t do that until that have a reason to, as they have others to use in the meantime

Your in-laws clearly have no consciences or they wouldn't be putting their children through this, never mind you and your partner! They take being hardfaced to a whole new level, buying a £2K dog and TWO cars when they're crying they don't have a pot to piss in!
I understand how hard it must be for you to refuse to feed them, you're concerned for their children, bless you, (which is more than they are) but you MUST start saying no. (Once you've said it for the first time, saying it again will be so much easier. Take it from one who knows.)
So the next time they land on your doorstep wanting to be fed, tell them if you feed them, your family goes short and you can neither afford or allow that to continue (and maybe suggest they enquire at their local DWP about accessing the facilities of a local food bank.)
Can I just add that if you have concerns over their children's welfare, please contact Social Services/The Children's Society/NSPCC. (I'm pretty sure you can do this anonymously.)
Wishing you the very best of luck.

They’ll only continue to take the piss if you let them.

I would just laugh any time they or your MIL ask and repeat, ad nauseam - 'God no, sorry - WE were going to ask YOU for a loan, we certainly haven't got the money you're flashing about on cars and dogs'.

AIBU to be livid with MIL for pressuring DP to lend money we desperately save up and need ourselves whilst she has a rich husband who could lend SIL money no problem, but she won't ask?

I would bet MILs rich husband has stopped being a mug and told them to do one. You need to do the same. Stop feeding them. Harsh as it may seem, their children are not your responsibility, they're emotionally blackmailing you, of course they have money...they spent it on a dog.

The friend I’m thinking of genuinely takes a lot of interest in other people’s finances but always seems to wildly exaggerate how much they spend/ earn and it’s because like you she’s brilliant at budgeting and so finds it hard to comprehend the expense of things not in her budget

I don't think that's the case here. This couple are so shit with money that they can't keep a roof over their own kids heads.

I wouldn't have the heart to refuse the children food either.

I suggest that you keep jars of cheap bland pasta sauce and dry pasta on hand. When they sit at your table and expect to be fed, give them that same basic cheap meal each and every time.

If they say something about it, explain that you are on a budget and this is all you can offer them. If they are hungry they will eat it. Hopefully they will get sick of it and stop asking. Even if they don't, you've spent almost nothing on feeding them.

Then point them to the washing up.

Yep agree with some of the comments, cheap pasta and sauce.. they’ll soon get bored of coming round!

Have an excuse ready for Xmas as I suspect they’ll turn up at yours!!

If you are concerned the children are going hungry then report to social services. I genuinely don't understand the reason for all the fannying around here. You just need to say "no, you just bought a £2000 dog" on repeat. To mil, sil, bil, your dp. They've made it easy for you to turn it back on them. I don't really understand why you need input from Mumsnet tbh.