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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Homeless but buying brand new cars

163 replies

uptheapplesandpearss · 09/09/2019 03:30

This is a long one, please stay with me lol.

SIL and BIL are extremely bad with managing their finances. They live in rented accommodation, with 2 DC. I've been with DP 4 years, and in that time, have witnessed DP be pressured into lending SIL large amounts of money by their mother.

Their rent is around £700 a month, SIL is a SAHM and BIL doesn't have stable work, so no stable income. They go on luxury holidays, buy very expensive dogs and cars, all while borrowing money from DP to pay their rent, feed their children etc.

Myself and DP are youngish, and both lived at home when I fell pregnant, which meant we wanted/needed to move out of our family homes and move in together, in our own house. While we were hastily saving for a deposit before DD arrived (with absolutely no savings prior) MIL was pressuring DP to give money he had saved for this to SIL. He refused since he knew how she was choosing to spend her money and why she was short for rent etc. and explained we actually needed this money for a home for ourselves and DD when she arrived. MIL then turned around, furious, saying he was leaving his SIL and her DC homeless and without food! He was leaving them in that state?! She didn't care about how we needed that money for ourselves and our child! DP annoyingly but understandably ended up giving them the money.

DP has also ended up paying for their shopping, rent on many more occasions and sometimes, I don't even know what they are asking for the money for. We are not well off ourselves, we now live in our own home, but I myself am a SAHM so DPs wage is the only income we have and it's not a lot, he is an apprentice.

Their money situation has became so bad recently, they decided to move out of rented accommodation and back in with BILs parents (who they are aware treat their DC appallingly). So their money situation is that poor they are choosing to live with people who borderline abuse their children, but are still going on holidays, buying new cars etc.

As I said earlier, I am a SAHM and DP an apprentice, we have a home to run and a child to provide for, we're left with little money at the end of the month. Now whilst since we have moved out, they have not asked for any money (knowing we could not afford to lend it) they have started doing what feels like using us, in other ways.

They come round to see DD, but as soon as they sit down will say "ok, what are you feeding us". Myself and DP meal plan as a means to save money, which means we buy enough for one set meal for breakfast, dinner and tea everyday. We never plan for them to come for breakfast/dinner/tea, so when they do this, we are subsequently left a meal short for that week.

I don't feel as though I can say this to them though, as before or straight after they have asked for food, they will say because of their poor money situation, they have nothing in the fridge at home etc etc.

SILs excuse for her poor management of money is that she has a very poorly controlled illness which means she may not live as long as someone who doesn't have it (but it doesn't mean she will die tomorrow) so she wants to make memories with her DP and DC. AIBU to think this is an awful excuse to almost lose your home and leave yourself and children without food?

AIBU to feel we are being used and that we shouldn't be made to help someone who puts themselves in such situations because they aren't careful with their finances? AIBU to be livid with MIL for pressuring DP to lend money we desperately save up and need ourselves whilst she has a rich husband who could lend SIL money no problem, but she won't ask?

OP posts:
EntirelyAnonymised · 09/09/2019 07:26

How can you afford to support them when you are all living on an apprentice’s wage yourselves?!

Medievalist · 09/09/2019 07:30

Ask them outright why they spent so much money on a dog before repaying what they owe you and if they think that's fair.

DeeCeeCherry · 09/09/2019 07:32

Why is it all SIL fault? So it's not your BIL fault too then..?

Your DP is controlled by his mother and brother which you surerly must have known soon enough after you got with him. You can speak up if you like but I doubt the family dynamics will change to suit you.

Ginger1982 · 09/09/2019 07:32

Eh...it's not understandable that he gave them the money at all!!

LIZS · 09/09/2019 07:33

Your dp and family are enablng their spending and freeloading. Until the attitudes of those around them change they won't need to.

MyNameIsIrrelevant · 09/09/2019 07:37

Say. No!

AuntieMarys · 09/09/2019 07:41

Dear god, just say no! Have nothing to do with them. Stop being spineless

Perunatop · 09/09/2019 07:44

You need to persuade your DP to never ever 'lend' them any money again. They are not his responsibility. I suggest you go very low contact with MIL and avoid SIL and BIL altogether. Your DP also needs to spell out to MIL that he has his own family to take care of (you and DC) and he is not in any way responsible for other family members. If your DP doesn't find his backbone soon you are in for a life of misery.

Idontwanttotalk · 09/09/2019 07:46

You are both being pathetic giving in to MIL's demands. You are both the problem and you need to talk this through properly, decide on your future responses and follow through.

I have to say if I'd saved with my DP for a deposit on a house, and he gave it to SIL through pressure from MIL, I would have moved on from him, baby or no baby.

He has shown you the man he is time after time by giving in under pressure. Your life together will always be problematic because of this.

In the circumstances I would tell my CF relatives not to visit at all or meet up in a park and chat while the DCs play.

If you cannot afford to feed the CFs then you just don't do it.

Do not allow them to visit around mealtimes.

If they ask what you are feeding them tell them how you budget your meals and that you are sorry but have nothing spare to offer them.

Don't buy them cheap bread or biscuits as others have suggested. Offer them a cup of tea, nothing more.

If they protest, tell them you are on a tight budget and they clearly are not as they can afford to buy expensive dogs and go on expensive holidays and that they need to prioritise what they spend on.

NEVER lend or give them money again. Not a penny. Never feed them.

If MIL makes suggestions about giving or lending them anything tell her your can't afford to and not to suggest it again. Tell her to feed them or give them her money if she's so worried about them.

Your SIL having a condition that may limit her length of life is not a reason to be a parasite.

You and your DP are equally at fault and really need to develop assertiveness. I suggest your DP needs to have counselling as he clearly struggles with the family dynamics. There are some deep issues at play here that he needs to deal with.

leckford · 09/09/2019 07:47

Can you move well away from them? This is a toxic collection of families you need to cut all contact, they are just idle scrounges.

saraclara · 09/09/2019 07:47

You say no. Over and over again.

If you're asked for money, you say "No - they've just spent £2000 on a dog. I am not funding them"

If they ask for food, you say "No. We only have enough for the two of us"

If your MIL tells you to give them money say "No - we don't have it. Ask your husband"

kaytee87 · 09/09/2019 07:48

They're idiots. Don't ever give them money again, your partner needs to grow a back bone.
Arrange to always meet them and the kids out somewhere so they don't have a chance to raid your larder.
If they are in your house and ask what you're feeding them just say 'sorry, don't have enough in' then change the subject.

Pollywollydolly · 09/09/2019 07:49

They need to have VERY comprehensive insurance for a french bulldog. My daughter wanted one for ages but now she's working in pet insurance she won't consider one at all. If they haven't got good insurance you'll soon be asked to fund lifesaving surgery.

Bananalanacake · 09/09/2019 07:51

I was about to ask the same as Cheesecake. do they pay it back. when they next ask say you need to pay us back from the last time.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/09/2019 07:52

I’m afraid both you and your dh need to get tough, really tough. No to anything bar a cuppa. That goes for your SIL BIL FIL
and MIL

Apolloanddaphne · 09/09/2019 07:56

Where are they getting the money for dogs and holidays?

BananaPlant · 09/09/2019 08:03

Say no! You’re not exactly helping yourselves.

No it’s not understandable your DH gave them money. He’s a mug and they see you both coming a mile off. So what if MIL has a strop, tell her to get on with it.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 09/09/2019 08:03

It’s not understandable that your DP lent them the money you were saving for a house before your baby arrived. He needs to grow a backbone. It’s pointless you taking a hard line with them while he’s still funding them. They’ll just bypass you and go straight to him, knowing he’s a pushover.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 09/09/2019 08:04

@Ringdonna right?! I'm sitting here unable to sleep because I'm literally seething lol. They've just bought a bloody £2000 french bulldog

What, since your OP at 3.30 am you've found this out? Hmm

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/09/2019 08:05

Tell them to eat the dog.

TheTrollFairy · 09/09/2019 08:06

You and your DP need to grow a backbone and say no. It really is that simple.
If they plead poverty then tell them to sell the £2k dog. Say exactly the same thing to MiL
I wouldn’t worry if they say they’ll cut you out of their lives... they are emotionally blackmailing you to give them money

W0rriedMum · 09/09/2019 08:10

Are you from an Asian background where families living in bigger units are more common? Maybe they are themselves as "helping" PILs by living with them.
Either way, it sounds like the co-dependent nature of this family is all wrong. Your DP needs to step up and stop accomodating their feckless behaviour: he can't lend money, you can only feed them if they're invited etc. If MIL keeps the pressure up, go colder on her until she learns. No explanations, just a "we can't possibly do that, we have our own family money priorities".

W0rriedMum · 09/09/2019 08:12

Also he should start mentioning the money he has lent them in the past and asking when it might be repaid. The risk of him chasing for prior debt may stop them asking for more.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/09/2019 08:12

know a similar couple. My friends ds came to her beginning for money to get the family out of a whole, friend handed over thousands and there was talk and of working out a budget, the next weekend they brought round the similarly expensive puppy and asked if my friend could look after it when they went on holiday. I don’t know where they get the brass neck. My friends situation is difficult because they occasionally withdraw access to her grandchildren so she feels unable to tell them to bugger off. Makes my blood boil and I find it difficult to talk to them.

We may have the same friend!

The woman I know has a DS and family exactly like this - down to the ridiculous dog that she need up buying food for because they "couldn't afford to" - but they have every luxury item going.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/09/2019 08:12

*ended, not need

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