Homeless but buying brand new cars

[uptheapplesandpearss]

This is a long one, please stay with me lol.

SIL and BIL are extremely bad with managing their finances. They live in rented accommodation, with 2 DC. I've been with DP 4 years, and in that time, have witnessed DP be pressured into lending SIL large amounts of money by their mother.

Their rent is around £700 a month, SIL is a SAHM and BIL doesn't have stable work, so no stable income. They go on luxury holidays, buy very expensive dogs and cars, all while borrowing money from DP to pay their rent, feed their children etc.

Myself and DP are youngish, and both lived at home when I fell pregnant, which meant we wanted/needed to move out of our family homes and move in together, in our own house. While we were hastily saving for a deposit before DD arrived (with absolutely no savings prior) MIL was pressuring DP to give money he had saved for this to SIL. He refused since he knew how she was choosing to spend her money and why she was short for rent etc. and explained we actually needed this money for a home for ourselves and DD when she arrived. MIL then turned around, furious, saying he was leaving his SIL and her DC homeless and without food! He was leaving them in that state?! She didn't care about how we needed that money for ourselves and our child! DP annoyingly but understandably ended up giving them the money.

DP has also ended up paying for their shopping, rent on many more occasions and sometimes, I don't even know what they are asking for the money for. We are not well off ourselves, we now live in our own home, but I myself am a SAHM so DPs wage is the only income we have and it's not a lot, he is an apprentice.

Their money situation has became so bad recently, they decided to move out of rented accommodation and back in with BILs parents (who they are aware treat their DC appallingly). So their money situation is that poor they are choosing to live with people who borderline abuse their children, but are still going on holidays, buying new cars etc.

As I said earlier, I am a SAHM and DP an apprentice, we have a home to run and a child to provide for, we're left with little money at the end of the month. Now whilst since we have moved out, they have not asked for any money (knowing we could not afford to lend it) they have started doing what feels like using us, in other ways.

They come round to see DD, but as soon as they sit down will say "ok, what are you feeding us". Myself and DP meal plan as a means to save money, which means we buy enough for one set meal for breakfast, dinner and tea everyday. We never plan for them to come for breakfast/dinner/tea, so when they do this, we are subsequently left a meal short for that week.

I don't feel as though I can say this to them though, as before or straight after they have asked for food, they will say because of their poor money situation, they have nothing in the fridge at home etc etc.

SILs excuse for her poor management of money is that she has a very poorly controlled illness which means she may not live as long as someone who doesn't have it (but it doesn't mean she will die tomorrow) so she wants to make memories with her DP and DC. AIBU to think this is an awful excuse to almost lose your home and leave yourself and children without food?

AIBU to feel we are being used and that we shouldn't be made to help someone who puts themselves in such situations because they aren't careful with their finances? AIBU to be livid with MIL for pressuring DP to lend money we desperately save up and need ourselves whilst she has a rich husband who could lend SIL money no problem, but she won't ask?

Honestly, you've got to stop giving them anything, apart from drinks, when they come round. It sounds like you and your DP are budgeting well and building a secure future for your family, through your own determination and hard work. They are doing the OPPOSITE of that.

Even when they visit and their children say they are hungry - say NO. This is not your problem. They have just spent £2000 on a dog - they are not unable to feed and house their children, they are CHOOSING not to.

Why not arrange to meet them in a park or something, so they can't demand food? Stand up to these people, they are not your responsibility.

"AIBU to feel we are being used and that we shouldn't be made to help someone who puts themselves in such situations because they aren't careful with their finances? AIBU to be livid with MIL for pressuring DP to lend money we desperately save up and need ourselves whilst she has a rich husband who could lend SIL money no problem, but she won't ask?"

Absolutely YANBU. CF of the highest order with a large dollop of emotional blackmail. You owe these unpleasant people absolutely nothing at all - they might be DPs blood but they don't seem to care about him or you at all.

So you need to work on saying no.

If you say 'no, we aren't feeding you' or 'no, we aren't lending you any money' what do you/DP worry is going to happen? Talk it through, rehearse saying no and the various answers you plan to give when they respond with surprise/shock/laughter/anger, have a script, practice, then give it a go and see what happens.

Let the last time be the last time ever!

Next time they come round and guilt trip you into giving them food when they're with their kids, could you say you don't have much left but the kids can have what there is? Offer the parents toast, or something. That way you attend feeding the kids but not them.

You've just got to take control of what you can. Never share any info about you financial situation with any of your family then they can't pressurise you into lending money you don't have. Put a loaf of bread in the freezer and have some baked beans sitting the cupboard for unexpected meals, they'll soon get bored with that. There are probably a myriad of situations that with a bit of thought now can be defused so you can deal with them on your terms. I feel your frustration.

I'm just interested in what sort of apprenticeship enables you to rent your own home and support 2 adults and a baby. That's one hell of a gig!

Teacher22

I think you mistook this for a Brexit thread! Not appropriate to use this thread to put your political views across. You can't convince anyone here.

OP - your OH family are totally in the wrong. You just have to say no to them, and your OH needs to be on the same page and you both need to be seen to stand firm together. If your MIL is that concerned, she needs to bail them out, not you.

Only offer to feed the kids and dog, if they are really desperate, since they are the victims of their parents irresponsibility. They need to learn to be self sufficient. They also need to address the issue of having to live with people who clearly don't want children in the house and arent treating them very well. That alone should be motivation to sort their lives out. They talk of creating memories due to the SIL illness (is it her poorly managing it, or is it difficult to manage in itself?), but the most salient memories her kids are going to have is not having a stable home and having to live with people who clearly don't want them there. You can make lots of memories without spending £££'s. Some of my fondest ones were of camping trips and woodland walks or just visiting family. My parents couldn't afford to do loads with me, but I still had memories. Come to think of it, whenever we did do something that involved spending money, I was more likely to remember it as it was a rare occasion.

I suspect their spending habits are more about their wants and projecting an image of being well off.

If you say 'no, we aren't feeding you' or 'no, we aren't lending you any money' what do you/DP worry is going to happen?

I was wondering this myself; you mentioned the kids going without food, but there's absolutely no reason why they should if the DPs have £2000 to spend on a dog. All you're doing is enabling their dreadful choices, and they're not going to make better ones while you're bailing them out

As PPs have said it's time to get a backbone, sort out what you're going to say and stick with it

@Nextphonewontbesamsung lol! He's an account

@360eyes thanks for your response, I think I definitely will just be offering the children something to eat if they ask.

It's poorly managed on her part, it's not just something that's difficult to control.

Yes definitely, it's not hard to take the children on a walk to the park, free entry places etc!

This is quite hard To understand. Are you saying he’s no longer lending them money- in which case, it seems a bit odd you’ve
Suddenly got so angry about it?

And new cars? You realise even a small new car is £15k? A very expensive one would be like, £40k? And £2k cash for a dog? Where would they get this kind of cash from?

@Nextphonewontbesamsung lol! He's an account

Accountant*

@Passthecherrycoke he's no longer lending them money, I'm angry because they're irresponsible and still using us in other ways, whilst still spending money on luxury holidays, cars and dogs which they can't afford to look after?

When your DH finishes his apprenticeship, have him find a job in a city at least a 4hr drive away and MOVE. They are parasites and will drag you down. MIL is enabling them.
Only by putting distance between you can you free yourself of these awful financially abusive relatives.

@Passthecherrycoke your guess is as good as mine about the money.

This is why it's so frustrating. They get money (god knows how) then spend it on unnecessary things. Then when it runs out and they can't afford to eat, they come crawling to us, and I don't really have the heart to say no.

On food....offer to drive them to a food bank. You should not have to fund their grocery bill.

@DoctorAllcome I've been seriously considering moving far away from them, but then that means moving away from my family too

But where are they getting money from? My holiday this summer, which I wouldn’t call luxury (AI tui family hotel in the med) cost £5k. A luxury holiday is double that. How can it be possible?

Oh sorry cross posted with you saying you don’t know

But how are they ever going to take responsibility for their spending if you bail them out every time?

They know they just have to ask. I would be reminding them the next time their children are hungry that they spent £2000 on a dog.

Unless you start being tough nothing will change.

@Passthecherrycoke since BILs work is unstable and their income is inconsistent, I'm assuming they go on these spending sprees as and when he gets paid, although I'm unsure as to whether his job really pays as much as they're spending

OP. I'd be prepared to say something like the others have said like why are you relying on others to feed you when you're spending money buying things we cant afford. Get you're priorities straight sort of thing.
Then cook them some character shaped pasta. If shes gonna act like a kid she can eat like one.

@Ohthatsfabulousdarling lol!! I love that

But where are they getting money from? My holiday this summer, which I wouldn’t call luxury (AI tui family hotel in the med) cost £5k. A luxury holiday is double that. How can it be possible?

Well obviously they are just prioritising the wrong things.

Most people could easily spend £5k on a holiday if they dont have to pay rent/bills scrounge food of others

Don't invite them in if it's close to mealtime, and if they come when it's not bundle them out the door long before you even think about cooking, saying you have plans.

If they're living with your MIL, I'm sure they can't say they have no food in the house.