Homeless but buying brand new cars

[uptheapplesandpearss]

This is a long one, please stay with me lol.

SIL and BIL are extremely bad with managing their finances. They live in rented accommodation, with 2 DC. I've been with DP 4 years, and in that time, have witnessed DP be pressured into lending SIL large amounts of money by their mother.

Their rent is around £700 a month, SIL is a SAHM and BIL doesn't have stable work, so no stable income. They go on luxury holidays, buy very expensive dogs and cars, all while borrowing money from DP to pay their rent, feed their children etc.

Myself and DP are youngish, and both lived at home when I fell pregnant, which meant we wanted/needed to move out of our family homes and move in together, in our own house. While we were hastily saving for a deposit before DD arrived (with absolutely no savings prior) MIL was pressuring DP to give money he had saved for this to SIL. He refused since he knew how she was choosing to spend her money and why she was short for rent etc. and explained we actually needed this money for a home for ourselves and DD when she arrived. MIL then turned around, furious, saying he was leaving his SIL and her DC homeless and without food! He was leaving them in that state?! She didn't care about how we needed that money for ourselves and our child! DP annoyingly but understandably ended up giving them the money.

DP has also ended up paying for their shopping, rent on many more occasions and sometimes, I don't even know what they are asking for the money for. We are not well off ourselves, we now live in our own home, but I myself am a SAHM so DPs wage is the only income we have and it's not a lot, he is an apprentice.

Their money situation has became so bad recently, they decided to move out of rented accommodation and back in with BILs parents (who they are aware treat their DC appallingly). So their money situation is that poor they are choosing to live with people who borderline abuse their children, but are still going on holidays, buying new cars etc.

As I said earlier, I am a SAHM and DP an apprentice, we have a home to run and a child to provide for, we're left with little money at the end of the month. Now whilst since we have moved out, they have not asked for any money (knowing we could not afford to lend it) they have started doing what feels like using us, in other ways.

They come round to see DD, but as soon as they sit down will say "ok, what are you feeding us". Myself and DP meal plan as a means to save money, which means we buy enough for one set meal for breakfast, dinner and tea everyday. We never plan for them to come for breakfast/dinner/tea, so when they do this, we are subsequently left a meal short for that week.

I don't feel as though I can say this to them though, as before or straight after they have asked for food, they will say because of their poor money situation, they have nothing in the fridge at home etc etc.

SILs excuse for her poor management of money is that she has a very poorly controlled illness which means she may not live as long as someone who doesn't have it (but it doesn't mean she will die tomorrow) so she wants to make memories with her DP and DC. AIBU to think this is an awful excuse to almost lose your home and leave yourself and children without food?

AIBU to feel we are being used and that we shouldn't be made to help someone who puts themselves in such situations because they aren't careful with their finances? AIBU to be livid with MIL for pressuring DP to lend money we desperately save up and need ourselves whilst she has a rich husband who could lend SIL money no problem, but she won't ask?

Cool story bro

@saraclara there is a separate building in MILs garden where they have their own fridge/freezer to fill so they buy their own food, MIL doesn't buy it for them

@TimeIhadaNameChange they don't even come around meal times that's the annoying thing!!

I’d cut them all off including the mother in law, they sound like useless cunts.

@Oldraver their rent is £700 a month. A fraction of what these apparently regular luxury purchases cost. I mean OPs partner can’t have helped them out that often with a £700 rent on his wage.

You remind me a little of a friend of mine Op, and on that basis I am willing to bet they don’t spend as much or as often as you suspect. I particularly think the brand new very expensive car isn’t quite right.

The friend I’m thinking of genuinely takes a lot of interest in other people’s finances but always seems to wildly exaggerate how much they spend/ earn and it’s because like you she’s brilliant at budgeting and so finds it hard to comprehend the expense of things not in her budget

Get some value pasta and value sauce. Every time they ask and you feel guilty bung some of that on. Literally every time. They'll probably get bored eventually, but at least you know the DC have been fed.

I need money for xxx

“That’s so sad, maybe you could sell the dog/car/forgoe the holiday this year. We are skint too, bye now.”

If they want feeding just say sorry, no food in I’m waiting for a shop to be delivered tmw. You can order yourself a pizza if you like?

@Passthecherrycoke you're very wrong. DP did help them out a lot, as I said he's an apprentice but mainly helped them with money when he lived at his family home and had no outgoings.

Before he was saving up for a deposit he was helping them out nearly every month whether it was rent, shopping, one time they even asked for money for rent then bought a shar pei before paying him back.

He's an apprentice but earns FAR more than an average apprentice and as I've stated already, as he gains more qualifications, his salary increases. Based on this, why couldn't he be helping them out frequently?

Im not shocked because their spending doesn't fit in MY budget, I'm shocked because it really doesn't fit in theirs. They've moved back in with my MIL and can't afford to buy food because of their spending, how could I possibly be over exaggerating?

And I'm far from interested in others finances, I just know so much about theirs because they involve me so much by asking for food and money

How are they managing to get the cash together for £2000 dogs and expensive holidays? It doesn't make sense at all

This-it just doesn’t add up?

It’s not ‘understandable’ in any sense of the word at all that your husband ended up giving them money. When they come round and asks what’s for dinner-you say, sorry-we only have enough for us.

They sound horrible but you are letting them walk all over you!

I employ apprentice accountants so know how much they get paid. I didnt mean you were interested out of nosiness, I think its just adding two and two and getting 5, maybe not knowing how much all their luxury purchases have really cost etc. Of course they do sound awful with money- many people are- but it doesn’t make sense that a family failing to be able to pulll together a few quid for food have recently been able to access tens of thousands for a car?

MN favourite - just say no!

If your dp is a trainee accountant he should be aware that he needs to keep his own finances in good order rather than risk this by subbing others.

No, we can't afford to give you any more money.

Full stop. End of story.

Keep repeating until they get the message. It doesn't matter how much they shout and stamp their foot. No money. Ever again. You have your own family to provide for.

@Passthecherrycoke DP gets paid more than other accountants he attends college with, is what I'm trying to say, not apprentices in general.. sorry if that wasn't clear, but we're very lucky.

I don't know honestly, but I'm not overestimating how much their recent car cost, I've literally googled it and asked them, themselves to double check. They've also just bought a second car, but I haven't seen it or asked how much it cost, so it could be a cheap one.

Regardless, I don't know how they're affording one let alone two cars with inconsistent income whilst struggling to feed themselves.

I really don't think it's a case of me overestimating how much things cost, well I know it's not. I know it doesn't make sense they spend as much money as they do. So either what I'm saying/being told by them is right, or they're massively exaggerating about having not enough money to feed themselves and are taking advantage of people's kindness towards them

You and he both need to start saying "No." Next time they sit down and ask what you're feeding them either say you're not eating now, or sorry but you've only got enough for the three of you or just outright sorry, but money is too tight and you don't have any food spare this week.

I also think, given the way your DP has behaved, you ought to think seriously about dropping the SAHM gig and getting a job ASAP - you can't rely on him and if money is tight you need to think about ensuring your DC's financial stability.

This. Obviously they are CFs and your husband just needs to learn to say no and start chasing what they owe him - at least that might deter them asking for more. I don't understand why the MIL is so involved but a firm word with her is clearly needed!

As pps have said I'd be worried about this dog and their likely lack of insurance :/

Don't have them over to yours, meet them somewhere free locally like the library or park. My SIL and BIL used to do this with the food, it was so blatant, and even when not around mealtimes they'd still say to the kids (not even directed to us) - "what would you like to eat before we go" or "you need some food don't you" or "you'd like x food before we go wouldn't you" etc. Nothing was ever offered when we went there. CFs of the highest order but that's a whole different story!

The BIL and SILs situation doesn't seem that unbelieveable.

If they're not paying any rent, that's close to £10k pa saved compared with someone who's paying rent.

They could be using credit cards. They could be behind with all their basic bills. If the building in the ILs garden is unofficial, there won't be any council tax to pay.

Some brand new cars cost not much more than £10k and/or can be bought on finance for not that much per month.

The OP might not know about the BILs work. He could get quite a good chunk of pay for an individual contract but they could be spending it all without putting some by for lean times.

With 2 DCs and a low income, their income will be topped up by tax credits/universal credit. Could be a few hundred pounds a month incl CB.

Doesn't sound like they're spending much on food.

The term 'luxury holiday' is entirely subjective. I know that the minimum acceptable standard on MN is 5 star a la carte AI or a villa in the posh end of Mallorca, but when you're on a low income and don't holiday abroad, 3 star AI in Benidorm is a luxury holiday and will cost a fraction of what those who could only bear to go to an Ikos resort will pay.

YANBU, obviously. Your DP isn’t a loan company and frankly, they should be embarrassed having to take money off him constantly to keep afloat. Doesn’t sound as though it’s a tenner here or there either, it’s a lot of money you will never see again. MIL is a CF as well.

Avoid them all, they’re nuts. You have your own household to run now, of course your DP shouldn’t be trying to help them run theirs too.

@BarbaraofSeville spot on!

Especially about BILs work. No idea how much he earns, but he works as and when and I'm assuming they don't save much if anything of what he earns, so they have it all to blow

I don't really have the heart to say no

But that's your choice, OP; I get that we all need to vent sometimes, but I'm not sure what the point is in moaning about this if you're not prepared to do anything about it

As said, they'll go right on leeching off you only as long as you let them

I’m crap with money so I have a little insight 🤣 I earn many times more than your DH and wouldn’t be able to pay someone’s £700 rent or save a deposit to buy a house during a 9 month pregnancy so your DH is obviously VERY good with money.

So it can be hard to understand how bad people can be with it. But if I were happy and able to borrow £20k for a car id just borrow a bit more whilst I was there to cover food.

But I think from what you’re saying they no longer borrow money from you but come round asking for food?

@Puzzledandpissedoff I know, I definitely needed to vent. It's just the children I feel sorry for

Grab a few tins of no-name baked beans and spaghetti. When the kids say they are hungry, heat it up one can and just give to the kids and say you have nothing else. If the mum calls you on it look her in the eye and repeat. Say, I only gave enough for the kids, sorry. She will soon get the message and if she doesn’t it’s just a cheap can of beans every now and then. If the kids say they don’t like it, tell them you have nothing else.

Sry, typo’s

"What are you feeding us?"
"Nothing"
Or
"We already ate"
Or
"We only have food for the two of us, you will have to go home before dinner"
Or
"Haha, yeah right"

In addition to this, every single time you see them, you and DP need to grab two minutes alone with them. Ask them to start repaying you the loans - 'actually, speaking of food, could you let us have £20 by the end of the week?' 'Can we set up a repayment plan?' for example.

They'll soon stop contacting you.