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Original poster

Friend made my DH uncomfortable with flirting, don't know what to do.

133 replies

fortysevendogs · 08/09/2019 22:05

We were visiting my friend for dinner last night, as they have just moved into a new house. I see my friend quite often but it's been a few years since we've all been together with our DH's and DC as usually I just meet my friend with our DC.

After dinner all of the kids were playing upstairs and the 4 of us were having a drink in the kitchen. Friend's DH went off to the loo and I went upstairs to see the DC as it sounded as if it was getting a bit wild up there. Left DH in there with friend, didn't think anything of it.

Kids ended up wanting me to play hide and seek with them for a bit, came down around 10 minutes later. Dh, friend and friend's DH were all in the kitchen together and we carried on with our drinks (I only had one as I was driving home).

We left around 9ish and after we got home and put the DC to bed, DH told me that when he was alone in the kitchen with my friend she kept smirking and winking at him, and also making some flirty comments. Now I've always had a feeling she has a crush on DH as in the past when we've been together at pubs etc she always stares at him, but it felt unfair to end the friendship over a suspicion and at the end of the day there's nothing wrong with her fancying DH as long as she doesn't pull anything! I mean, we've all had crushes we wouldn't actually go near, haven't we? Except this time it sounds like she wanted DH to reciporate. DH said he tried not to acknowledge it and just kept trying to make casual conversation. Apparently she snapped out of it as soon as her DH came back into the room. He said he was extremely uncomfortable.

Now the thing is, we're supposed to be spending a week together on holiday in October. I was looking forward to it as they are great company and our DC are the best of friends but now I'm not sure for obvious reasons. DH says it's up to me what to do. I do trust DH 100% but I don't want to put him in a position where he feels uncomfortable. And also now I obviously have bad feeling towards my friend. I have no idea how to handle this.

OP posts:
BadLad · 08/09/2019 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RedHelenB · 08/09/2019 22:09

I think you have to cancel the holiday because you wont enjoy it. Or confront your friend.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/09/2019 22:11

Why did he not deal with it there and then? Why is he leaving it up to you to do something?

ThursdayLastWeek · 08/09/2019 22:11

I would for sure offer DH a pass out of the week in Oct.

How does he feel about you still being friends with her?
Do YOU still want to be friends with her?

cushioncovers · 08/09/2019 22:11

Cancel the holiday. If you don't say anything to your friend you won't enjoy the holiday and your dh will feel uncomfortable the whole time. If you do say something to your friend before the holiday it will probably make things uncomfortable for all of you. Either way she can't be trusted to behave appropriately.

Booboosweet · 08/09/2019 22:12

To be honest, she's not a real friend if she's doing that.

BobTheFishermansWife · 08/09/2019 22:12

I'd ask her outright if she had a crush on him and what she was playing at? Maybe to preserve the friendship (if you want to) don't be quite so blunt, make a joke of it?
Or encourage your dh to tell her she made him feel very uncomfortable?

Dutch1e · 08/09/2019 22:17

If you and DH feel that the friendship is valuable overall, you might think about pulling her aside for a quiet word. Just to gently let her know that her crush is beginning to put a strain on the group dynamic and it's time to tone it down.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 08/09/2019 22:19

What are the cancellation terms on the holiday

Lemoneeza · 08/09/2019 22:20

tricky one. it's the kids that will miss out because of her dick behaviour.

is your dh up to rebuffing her flirting? or just ignoring it so she looks foolish? I would leave the decision up to your dh.
of course if you try to challenge her on it, she'll deny any flirting with a tinkly laugh.

oabiti · 08/09/2019 22:20
  1. She may be your friend. You are not hers.
  2. She flirted to pique (sp) your husband's level of interest. No doubt, if confronted, will put down to 'harmless' flirting/friendliness.
  3. Given half a chance, she'd deceive you and her partner.
  4. Be thankful you have a truthful partner.
  5. Tell her to Fuck Off.
Drogosnextwife · 08/09/2019 22:23

I would go on the holiday and see what she does.

Honeypickle · 08/09/2019 22:25

I think you have to flip this - imagine if you’d been left alone with your DH’s friend and he flirted and came onto you in the same way. Would you then be happy with your DH brushing it under the carpet and still all going on holiday together? Of course not!! Holiday cancelled and I wouldn’t want to continue the friendship either.

funnylittlefloozie · 08/09/2019 22:27

Id go on the holiday because I like going on holiday, and i would be really looking forward to it. But, i'd be keeping an eye on her and tell her to behave herself if she got out of line on holiday.

1stmonkey · 08/09/2019 22:32

Oh horrible situation. I feel for you. I would make an excuse about the holiday, just get out of it.
Had a similar situation a few years back and i just decided to suddenly be very busy in relation to that friend. I chose not to confront her about it but we had a number of friends in common and i didn't want to make things awkward for them. Confronting her won't go well. She'll either deny it (in which case assuming you trust your husband, you'll know she's lying to your face and friendship is over) or admit it with some lame excuse (in which case sge came on to your husband and friendship is over).

JazzyGG · 08/09/2019 22:34

Can you get out of the holiday? Feign money problems?

JazzyGG · 08/09/2019 22:37

Also does she have form for this kind of behaviour and if confronted will she blame it on your DH?

sirfredfredgeorge · 08/09/2019 22:37

Place marking to see how this will be twisted into your DH's fault in some of the replies

Well there's a couple of obvious ways - it didn't really happen, DH exaggerated / made it up / imagined it so as to get sympathy and "brownie points" for rejecting her having known the OP thought she fancied him.

Alternatively it didn't happen, but DP found the evening so mind numbingly dull that he thought it was a good way to make sure it never happened.

Alternatively DH tried it on with her, and figured the best way to be sure OP wouldn't find out / muddy the waters is to get in the accusation first so the friendship ends...

What I actually personally think is that she was a bit flirty, but maybe not as much as DH imagined (them both having had quite a few drinks) and it wouldn't be enough for me to end a friendship over.

SavingSpaces2019 · 08/09/2019 22:38

my friend she kept smirking and winking at him, and also making some flirty comments. Now I've always had a feeling she has a crush on DH
A friend does NOT behave like this.

Apparently she snapped out of it as soon as her DH came back into the room.....He said he was extremely uncomfortable
So she CHOOSES to behave inappropriately BEHIND YOUR AND HER DH'S BACK.
She also doesn't care about your DH feeling uncomfortable as she KEPT ON flirting despite him not responding.

it felt unfair to end the friendship over a suspicion and at the end of the day there's nothing wrong with her fancying DH as long as she doesn't pull anything!
Your failure to hold her accountable for her BEHAVIOUR makes you a mug.
What if she throws herself physically at him - for a kiss/grope?
Then when your DH rejects her, she accuses YOUR husband of coming on to her?

Don't be a fool OP.
This woman isn't your friend and she can't be trusted around your DH.
Going on holiday with her is a recipe for disaster.
She WILL find moments alone with your DH no matter how hard you both try to avoid it.
Add in that you will all be drinking at some point too and no doubt she'll blame it all on being 'drunk and didn't know what i was a doing' if she gets caught or called out.

Put your DH and his feelings first.
I would not be putting him in a situation like that.

MashedSpud · 08/09/2019 22:39

Cancel the holiday. You’ll be on edge with mrs slutty pants trying it on with your DH at every opportunity.

I feel sorry for her DH too. I bet he has no idea what she’s up to, unless they want group sex or wife swapping stuff.

Wehttam · 08/09/2019 22:41

OP Ditch him, they screwed whilst you were upstairs and she’s having his baby. 😉 No seriously though, who Cares, she crossed the line but did she? His story could be different to the truth or he has a fantasy of 4 way and is dipping his toe in to test the water with you.... 🤐

Shortfeet · 08/09/2019 22:41

Well chances are she was drunk and if she remembers it , will be embarrassed

DoctorAllcome · 08/09/2019 22:43

Maybe they are polyamorous and just testing the water so to speak.
I’d just have DH tell her, that you guys don’t swing that way.

sirfredfredgeorge · 08/09/2019 22:44

You’ll be on edge with mrs slutty pants trying it on with your DH at every opportunity

But if her flirting entails nothing more than winking and smirking, it's pretty amazing she managed a DH and kids... you would expect a mrs slutty pants to be much more capable!

Mrsmadevans · 08/09/2019 22:45

Yes that crossed my mind too Spud.
Tell her to eff off OP. She's a sexual predator.