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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend made my DH uncomfortable with flirting, don't know what to do.

133 replies

fortysevendogs · 08/09/2019 22:05

We were visiting my friend for dinner last night, as they have just moved into a new house. I see my friend quite often but it's been a few years since we've all been together with our DH's and DC as usually I just meet my friend with our DC.

After dinner all of the kids were playing upstairs and the 4 of us were having a drink in the kitchen. Friend's DH went off to the loo and I went upstairs to see the DC as it sounded as if it was getting a bit wild up there. Left DH in there with friend, didn't think anything of it.

Kids ended up wanting me to play hide and seek with them for a bit, came down around 10 minutes later. Dh, friend and friend's DH were all in the kitchen together and we carried on with our drinks (I only had one as I was driving home).

We left around 9ish and after we got home and put the DC to bed, DH told me that when he was alone in the kitchen with my friend she kept smirking and winking at him, and also making some flirty comments. Now I've always had a feeling she has a crush on DH as in the past when we've been together at pubs etc she always stares at him, but it felt unfair to end the friendship over a suspicion and at the end of the day there's nothing wrong with her fancying DH as long as she doesn't pull anything! I mean, we've all had crushes we wouldn't actually go near, haven't we? Except this time it sounds like she wanted DH to reciporate. DH said he tried not to acknowledge it and just kept trying to make casual conversation. Apparently she snapped out of it as soon as her DH came back into the room. He said he was extremely uncomfortable.

Now the thing is, we're supposed to be spending a week together on holiday in October. I was looking forward to it as they are great company and our DC are the best of friends but now I'm not sure for obvious reasons. DH says it's up to me what to do. I do trust DH 100% but I don't want to put him in a position where he feels uncomfortable. And also now I obviously have bad feeling towards my friend. I have no idea how to handle this.

OP posts:

emmylousings · 09/09/2019 10:04

I feel for you op, I was put in a similar situation when a very close and old friend of mine made serious passes at my DP when drunk. He told me. I knew if I asked her about it she would deny it and I would be angry that she was callling my DP a liar. I didn't know what else to do so I just 'ghosted' her. I hoped one day we would have the chance to forgive and forget and move on, but that never happened. It made me really sad. Like you, I suspected she had a crush on him and was prepared to laugh it off as long as she kept it to light flirting, but she asked him to have sex with her when I was asleep upstairs. The worse thing was that some of my close family members thought that my DP should not have told me, which I found really bizzare. Follow your gut, accept that you might need to lose the holiday and the friend. Shit happens.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/09/2019 10:10

@BadLad Place marking to see how this will be twisted into your DH's fault in some of the replies

Why did he not deal with it there and then? Why is he leaving it up to you to do something?

Lmao, 4 minutes after and it's why didn't he DO anything?
Victim blaming in any other scenario lol

OP wasn't in the room. OP is questioning the friendship based on something her DH experienced. It's hardly victim blaming to expect him to deal with it, rather than pass that responsibility onto his DW when she wasn't there to see what happened.

messolini9 · 09/09/2019 10:21

Blimey, full on hysteria from page one, followed by
Put your DH and his feelings first.
I would not be putting him in a situation like that.

He's not a dog. He can decide on what situations he can manage all on his own.

Alternatively to the hysteria, OP could simply pull her friend aside, say that her flirting was inappropriate, poorly judged, & made DH uncomfortable. That as the drink had been taken, OP is letting it slide this once, but it's not to happen again.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 09/09/2019 10:24

He ignored it. Nothing happened, there was no scene and then he told you. That seems like a fair enough scenario. If you cancel the holiday then are you never going to see them again in any context? Are you going to tell them why? It seems a bit of a mad over reaction to me but it should be up to your DH to decide whether he's uncomfortable with the holiday or not. Leaving it to you just turns it into 'mental women' territory.

Who suggested the holiday in the first place? Because this could've been a bit of light drunken flirting or part of her dastardly plan to get your DH away for a week and she was laying the foundations.

starray · 09/09/2019 10:29

Hmmm...men often mistake friendliness as interest on a woman's part. I would think carefully before ending the friendship.

Banangana · 09/09/2019 10:44

He ignored it. Nothing happened, there was no scene and then he told you. That seems like a fair enough scenario.

Exactly. I don't get all the people who think he handled it poorly. He didn't welcome her advances/flirt back and he didn't cause a scene. He then told the OP so that she could decide how she'd like to navigate her friendship. It sounds like although it's obviously an awkward situation for him, he's fine with continuing to socialise with them as a family if that's what the OP would like. He hasn't asked the OP to fight his battles or confront her on his behalf. He's given her information she needs to make a decision about her friendship.

LazyLizzy · 09/09/2019 10:48

It’s just flirting, it’s fairly harmless really. Perhaps it been a while since she’s gotten any and she was feeling frisky!

Bollocks. My friends don't flirt with my DH, nor would I with theirs. We all treat each other like good mates. It would be totally weird to see flirting going on.

She's no friend. Cancel the holiday for a start.

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2019 10:59

Is she generally flirty?

How much had she had to drink?

What has a smirking got to do with coming onto someone? The smirking could have been to show she was joking, but came across like that.

The one thing i miss, now I'm older is the flirty banter, especially the type that won't go any further. It dies out in your 50's.

I'd have a word with ger, rather than just cancel the holiday. Just tell her it isn't appreciated. But i mix in circles were we can tell each other when we're out of order and take it and move on.

These incidents in the real world and not in the 'polite society mn world' aren't that uncommon and are easily dealt with.

sippingteaquietly · 09/09/2019 11:12

Wow she is some friend. I would tell her your DH has said he doesn’t want to go on the holiday now, maybe that would make her realise he isn’t interested. If you pull her up on it she is just going to deny it and she might even turn it round and say it was your DH who was flirting with her.

She is no friend to you and you DH did the right thing in letting you know.

NoTheresa · 09/09/2019 11:16

Stealth boast, OP?!

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2019 11:21

Who the hell flirts by randomly smirking and winking, you'd look deranged. Life isn't a benny hill sketch.

Is your husband uo himself? Could he have misread it? Want to make you jealous? Thinks everyone fancies him?

I'm sorry op, but you lost me at she was smirking and winking at him. I'm cmon, 😂

Gottobefree · 09/09/2019 11:25

cancel the holiday. She can't be trusted and also why make yourself and your DH uncomfortable ! Your DH did the right thing about telling you so don't take his honesty and make him feel uncomfortable.
It wouldn't be nice the other way around. Keep your friend at a distance as well...

NoTheresa · 09/09/2019 11:39

Brilliant post.🤣🤣🤣

Bluntness100

Who the hell flirts by randomly smirking and winking, you'd look deranged. Life isn't a benny hill sketch.

HollysTeflonSeptum · 09/09/2019 11:39

Smirking and winking? Have I just walked into a bad remake of a Carry On film?

If you fancy a holiday go. I take it you trust your husband? In that case what is there to fear, apart from Sid James in a bikini?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 09/09/2019 11:40

He ignored it. Nothing happened, there was no scene and then he told you. That seems like a fair enough scenario.

Agreed. Seems like he handled it perfectly and there is nothing for OP to "sort out".
I can see why you'd be uncomfortable on holiday with them, but she may never do it again.

dottiedodah · 09/09/2019 11:47

I think it would be uncomfortable to holiday with them TBH. Your poor hubby would spend the week feeling embarassed ,and not want to be on hid own with this woman.He has come clean to you and explained what happened ,he sounds like one of the good guys!.Maybe you could say you havent got a lot of money ATM ,and it would stretch your finances too much !

TriciaH87 · 09/09/2019 13:14

Tell the friend he was uncomfortable and that either the holiday is cancelled or it stops now. If you do go on the holiday and she continues you pull her up in front of her husband. Yes it would end the friendship but it's not OK to behave that way. A friend would not try it on with your dh.

MrsGideon · 09/09/2019 16:53

There are some shocking responses on here. If OP's partner was a woman and it was a man who flirted to the point of making her feel uncomfortable, you'd all be viewing it rather differently.

FWIW OP I think your DH handled it well. I would probably do a bit more gentle probing to ascertain whether he is really OK with spending a week with her or if deep down he'd rather not go. He might be playing his discomfort down because he'd feel bad about you cancelling something you'd been looking forward to.

Myriade · 09/09/2019 16:59

If OP's partner was a woman and it was a man who flirted to the point of making her feel uncomfortable, you'd all be viewing it rather differently.
Yes because the power imbalance between men and women is completely different.
I have yet to see a man been raped by a woman. And very few are being sexually harrassed by women.
Whereas are often on the receiving end of 'jokes' harrassement etc... which tends to make them much more weary of any man that is 'flirting' but they arent interested in. Many men do not take NO for an answer very well.

You cant always just exchange man and wo,an and/or expect to behave in the same way.

MrsGideon · 09/09/2019 17:15

But it does still happen, and I think it's actually quite offensive to expect him to suck it up just because he's a man.

I was mainly talking about the multitude of posters who seem to think OP's DH has made it up or is "up himself". Imagine saying that to a woman who had been sexually harassed: "Oh are you sure you're not reading too much into it? You sound a bit up yourself "

3luckystars · 09/09/2019 19:02

When you see her next just say you have had a chat with your husband and have had a change of heart about the holiday. Then say nothing.
Nothing. Wait wait. See what she says.

Definitely cancel the holiday and end the friendship depending in her reaction.

TaskMistress · 09/09/2019 19:31

She is not a friend

redskyatnightsea · 09/09/2019 19:58

You know what would have happened if your DH had said yes to her....! You, your marriage, your family would have been history. She's not your friend.

IAmTheMumWhoKnocks · 09/09/2019 22:26

I love all the comments of ‘harmless flirting.

If it was that harmless then why did she stop when her husband walked in?

TheNestedIf · 10/09/2019 01:26

He did deal with it at the time by ignoring. However, he probably doesn't want to deal with it again which he would probably have to do if he were to go on this holiday, hence informing OP. It's her friendship so it is her call as to what happens next.

I'm actually a bit disgusted BadLad was deleted given what he predicted happened within 2 hours of him posting.

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