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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend made my DH uncomfortable with flirting, don't know what to do.

133 replies

fortysevendogs · 08/09/2019 22:05

We were visiting my friend for dinner last night, as they have just moved into a new house. I see my friend quite often but it's been a few years since we've all been together with our DH's and DC as usually I just meet my friend with our DC.

After dinner all of the kids were playing upstairs and the 4 of us were having a drink in the kitchen. Friend's DH went off to the loo and I went upstairs to see the DC as it sounded as if it was getting a bit wild up there. Left DH in there with friend, didn't think anything of it.

Kids ended up wanting me to play hide and seek with them for a bit, came down around 10 minutes later. Dh, friend and friend's DH were all in the kitchen together and we carried on with our drinks (I only had one as I was driving home).

We left around 9ish and after we got home and put the DC to bed, DH told me that when he was alone in the kitchen with my friend she kept smirking and winking at him, and also making some flirty comments. Now I've always had a feeling she has a crush on DH as in the past when we've been together at pubs etc she always stares at him, but it felt unfair to end the friendship over a suspicion and at the end of the day there's nothing wrong with her fancying DH as long as she doesn't pull anything! I mean, we've all had crushes we wouldn't actually go near, haven't we? Except this time it sounds like she wanted DH to reciporate. DH said he tried not to acknowledge it and just kept trying to make casual conversation. Apparently she snapped out of it as soon as her DH came back into the room. He said he was extremely uncomfortable.

Now the thing is, we're supposed to be spending a week together on holiday in October. I was looking forward to it as they are great company and our DC are the best of friends but now I'm not sure for obvious reasons. DH says it's up to me what to do. I do trust DH 100% but I don't want to put him in a position where he feels uncomfortable. And also now I obviously have bad feeling towards my friend. I have no idea how to handle this.

OP posts:

SylvanianFrenemies · 09/09/2019 07:38

Smirking and winking? Is she Benny Hill?

dayswithaY · 09/09/2019 07:44

Don't go. You've seen her true colours and she's vile. Ignore those people saying go but watch her like a hawk - who wants to spend their holiday doing that? You'll have a terrible time now if you do go because you can't unknow what your DH has told you. She's just a predator, avoid at all costs.

ScreamingLadySutch · 09/09/2019 07:46

Wow, what a lovely husband you have, you lucky thing.

He's a keeper!

Rainonmyguitar · 09/09/2019 08:13

Given that controlling men make exactly this kind of bollocks up to isolate their partner from friends and support networks, I'm pretty sceptical of any man who claims to have been propositioned by most of his partner's social circle / whenever they're at a social event he wants out of

Bit of a reach that^ isn't it? OP didn't say 'most' of her friends, it's just this one friend.

user1471590586 · 09/09/2019 08:14

People's responses on this thread have been shocking. Loads of responses seem to be trying to twist things to either imply the OPs husband has misread or made up the situation. Or that he's trying to control her and limit her friendships. Others complaining that he should deal with it, despite it being the Ops friend. As someone else said; the responses would have been so different if it had been the husbands friend coming onto the OP. It seems that according to some of you it's always the man that's at fault.

easyandy101 · 09/09/2019 08:16

I wouldn't end a friendship over it

Have had a good friend of my partners come on to me before and I just told her to sort it out and behave. It's never come up again and that's that. I told my partner, she felt happy with how it was dealt with. They're still friends. Partner thinks that people fancying me is quite understandable I guess.

Another female friend approached my partner to ask her if she could make a move on me.

Partner told me about it, we had a good chuckle, still friends with friend, in fact we shared a bed last weekend

I find any bloke who can't just knock something like this back definitively and without making a big embarrassing scene for everyone to be pretty suspect

mummmy2017 · 09/09/2019 08:16

All you can do is talk to her.
Ask her why she did it.

KUGA · 09/09/2019 08:18

For your sake and DH cancel the holiday and state why.
She may go over the top if you stay friends.
Actually NO friend does that.
And fair play to your DH for telling you.

greenlynx · 09/09/2019 08:43

it depends on what kind of holiday it will be but I suspect you and your DH won’t be able to relax anyway.
Tbh I would cancel the holiday but I would never tell her the real reason, I would just cool the friendship down and stick to rare joint outings with kids.

Hederex · 09/09/2019 08:44

I wouldn't go on the holiday.

aqua00 · 09/09/2019 09:03

She sounds like a loon. She’s probably got some vague notion in her mind about swinging or wife swapping and she’s trying to set the scene for a bit of “frisson” on this upcoming holiday. But it’s all in her mind. Maybe she watched a movie or something.

I would just cancel the holiday and let her think what she likes and get on with it.

Rezie · 09/09/2019 09:03

Well there's a couple of obvious ways - it didn't really happen, DH exaggerated / made it up / imagined it so as to get sympathy and "brownie points" for rejecting her having known the OP thought she fancied him.
Hmm... I would have gone with that he was actually flirting with her. When she turned him down, he panicked and told his wife the other way around so that he will look like the victim when the friend eventually tells the wife.

No but seriously. It's a tough one and genders reversed I'd say the same. Your husband still seems ok with going on holiday with them so I might still go since it is all paid for (I assume). If your husband says he feels uncomfortable with going then I would cancel.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/09/2019 09:07

I feel sorry for your kids but I really don't see how you can go on holiday with this couple.

Presumably you know your husband well enough to know that he wouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill and that's he's not trying to isolate you!

Sad though it is, surely the holiday would just be excruciatingly awkward. Cut your losses.

GrimpenMire · 09/09/2019 09:17

I think good advice here can only come with more detail OP. We also need to know if your DH is prone to exaggeration ever.

If you feel uncomfortable or your DH does then cancel but it might be a one off and it would be a shame to cancel if in fact a good holiday could be had.

MangosteenSoda · 09/09/2019 09:17

I’m also a bit confused by the smirking and winking. Is that exactly how he described it? Sounds more like an unfortunate tic than flirting. What were the comments?

Ultimately, you know if your DH’s judgement is good and you already suspect that she fancies him. How does DH feel about the holiday?

Personally, I think there’s a difference between throwing yourself at someone/trying to calculate if they’d have a fling with you and being a bit embarrassing when tipsy. She may have woken up totally mortified.

Myriade · 09/09/2019 09:24

Tbh I’m a bit at loss as to why it is up you OP to ‘sort it out’ and why your DH couldn’t handle that situation? Has he never in a situation when a woman was flirting with him and he wasn’t keen?

I think your DH needs to grow up and learn how to handle that sort of situation. I also think your DH should ‘sort the situation out’ themselves.

As to whether you are happy to carry on seeing your friend, this is a very different question and a very personal one. I would be quite pissed off about a friend doing that and would stop seeing them, even on my own. I think she has crossed a line that should never have been crossed.

easyandy101 · 09/09/2019 09:27

*Tbh I’m a bit at loss as to why it is up you OP to ‘sort it out’ and why your DH couldn’t handle that situation? Has he never in a situation when a woman was flirting with him and he wasn’t keen?

I think your DH needs to grow up and learn how to handle that sort of situation. I also think your DH should ‘sort the situation out’ themselves*

Absolutely this

And to pp's calling victim blaming up thread. You're doing the concept of victim a serious disservice

easyandy101 · 09/09/2019 09:28

Quotefail

lavenderbluedilly · 09/09/2019 09:31

I’m with those who say cancel the holiday. You won’t enjoy it, and I think in your shoes I’d rather waste the money than spend a week watching your back.

I once had a similar situation to your DH - we were at my Ex’s cousins house and when Ex and cousin’s wife were in the kitchen making coffee, the cousin tried to kiss me. Ex didn’t believe me, took his cousins side and spend the next year gaslighting me that I’d “cheated” on him with his cousin . I’m sorry to see some posters here have the same attitude towards your DH

jennymanara · 09/09/2019 09:31

Christ surely you have all had a friend's partner flirt with you at least once? I don't think it is right, but I always just shut it down straight away. If you are clear, then that usually stops it.
If she was actually touching it would be different.
Am also surprised that he has got to adulthood without developing the social skills to shut down flirting.

WombatChocolate · 09/09/2019 09:35

All the questions about how much money would be lost by bailing out and awkwardness seem misplaced to me.

If you have doubts about this friend (and believing your DH seems pretty important) then put protecting your marriage first and bIl out of the holiday quickly. If really ere was nothing in it, you'll have lost nothing significant but if you go you'll feel anxious and who knows what she might try - why put yourselves in that posiition?

Regarding your friendship with her, well you'll have to call that. It might be possible for it to work if it's just you and her but not if you'll always have a feeling she's after your DH. No more whole family events though.

As for speaking to her about it, well you can but what exactly will it achieve? She's not very likely to say she was trying to seduce him. It might have been low level flirting but discussing people engaging in low level flirting with ones spouse never boosts a friendship.

So I would definitely cancel the holiday. And I'd consider if I think she is just a bit inapppripate but basically harmless and if so carry on the friendship with her and not do family things. If I did think she wasn't simply a bit inappropriate but actually threatening then I probably would end the friendship gradually. However I don't think I'd go into why particularly becaue I don't think anything would be achieved by it.

You have to make the judgement about if she is a bit inappropriate and you can live with it or if it's a more threatening thing.

MaybeDoctor · 09/09/2019 09:41

Her actions have been described as 'winks and flirty comments', not a physical pass. Are you sure that this wasn't just social flirting fuelled by one too many glasses of wine on her part?

I don't think we need to be sewing a scarlet A onto your friend's dress just yet.

WanderingTrolley1 · 09/09/2019 09:56

LOL @ “unfortunate tic”!!

Motoko · 09/09/2019 09:57

Christ surely you have all had a friend's partner flirt with you at least once?

Nope, never happened to me.

People saying the husband should deal with it, it seems to me, that he doesn't want to be controlling. It's her friend, and it wouldn't look good if he told her to cancel the holiday because of it, or said OP could never have her friend round to their house. He's told his wife, and left it that it's up to her if she wants to end the friendship. If OP decides to carry on with the friendship, then he can take steps to not be in the same situation again, or he can let friend know that she's being inappropriate, if she does it again, and tell her that his wife is aware of what she's done, which will hopefully make her think twice about trying to flirt with him again. She'd be mortified (hopefully) if she finds out OP knows.

jennymanara · 09/09/2019 10:03

The DP did not need to be controlling. He simply had to shut down the flirting. If he had tried that and it was ignored, that is different. But he should have straight away made it clear that was not on.

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