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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend made my DH uncomfortable with flirting, don't know what to do.

133 replies

fortysevendogs · 08/09/2019 22:05

We were visiting my friend for dinner last night, as they have just moved into a new house. I see my friend quite often but it's been a few years since we've all been together with our DH's and DC as usually I just meet my friend with our DC.

After dinner all of the kids were playing upstairs and the 4 of us were having a drink in the kitchen. Friend's DH went off to the loo and I went upstairs to see the DC as it sounded as if it was getting a bit wild up there. Left DH in there with friend, didn't think anything of it.

Kids ended up wanting me to play hide and seek with them for a bit, came down around 10 minutes later. Dh, friend and friend's DH were all in the kitchen together and we carried on with our drinks (I only had one as I was driving home).

We left around 9ish and after we got home and put the DC to bed, DH told me that when he was alone in the kitchen with my friend she kept smirking and winking at him, and also making some flirty comments. Now I've always had a feeling she has a crush on DH as in the past when we've been together at pubs etc she always stares at him, but it felt unfair to end the friendship over a suspicion and at the end of the day there's nothing wrong with her fancying DH as long as she doesn't pull anything! I mean, we've all had crushes we wouldn't actually go near, haven't we? Except this time it sounds like she wanted DH to reciporate. DH said he tried not to acknowledge it and just kept trying to make casual conversation. Apparently she snapped out of it as soon as her DH came back into the room. He said he was extremely uncomfortable.

Now the thing is, we're supposed to be spending a week together on holiday in October. I was looking forward to it as they are great company and our DC are the best of friends but now I'm not sure for obvious reasons. DH says it's up to me what to do. I do trust DH 100% but I don't want to put him in a position where he feels uncomfortable. And also now I obviously have bad feeling towards my friend. I have no idea how to handle this.

OP posts:

Banangana · 08/09/2019 23:52

Even if it did happen exactly as presented, I'm not sure even nuns would give a stuff about "smirking".

She smirked at him? And that's now grounds to trash a good friendship over? And call someone a "nasty cow"?

She also winked and made flirty comments. But feel free to ignore what the OP has actually written and go straight to suggesting that he must be an abuser trying to isolate her from her friends.

Have you considered the alternative option of just having a conversation with her like a normal person?

She's hardly going to say 'yes, I was flirting with your husband and I would totally shag him if he were up for it' is she.

OP, I'd say trust your instincts. You say that you've noticed/suspected that she fancied him before. He's now told you about this incident. I'd be inclined to believe him and distance myself. I wouldn't be going on a family holiday with them.

RosesAndRaindrops · 08/09/2019 23:54

@BadLad Place marking to see how this will be twisted into your DH's fault in some of the replies

Why did he not deal with it there and then? Why is he leaving it up to you to do something?

Lmao, 4 minutes after and it's why didn't he DO anything?
Victim blaming in any other scenario lol

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2019 23:55

Your husband, or any man or woman, should have enough gumption to put this randy twat in their place. My husband encountered this years ago and firm and absolutely put a woman in her place, which was nowhere. He didn't need me to fight his battles for him.

Dljlr · 09/09/2019 00:01

Was she pissed? Not that that would excuse anything but she might have woken up feeling like an absolute tool determined never to do it again. Just a thought.

Banangana · 09/09/2019 00:03

Was she pissed? Not that that would excuse anything but she might have woken up feeling like an absolute tool determined never to do it again. Just a thought.

I also think that the alcohol probably played a big part in her actions. But I'd still be very wary.

colourlessgreenidea · 09/09/2019 01:29

DH told me that when he was alone in the kitchen with my friend she kept smirking and winking at him

Is your friend Benny Hill?

colourlessgreenidea · 09/09/2019 01:30

Lynn, these are sex people!

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 09/09/2019 01:49

OP, trust your instincts on this one.
You already know what you want to do. Do that.

chickenyhead · 09/09/2019 01:50

DH did exactly the right thing.

He was in friends house with friends DH and had not spoken to OP.

she was fishing, she did not catch.

DH kicking up WW3 and ruining OPs "friendship " in this situation, before talking to OP would be disrespectful to OP.

Explaining basic healthy relationship dynamics to adults 101

OP I do not think that you will necessarily enjoy the holiday, but I think that you should go out again all together, to test out your feelings, before deciding. Thereafter you may need to have a talk with her about friendship and what that is.

managedmis · 09/09/2019 01:54

Is your friend Benny Hill? confused

She's got front, I'll say that

Jeremybearimybaby · 09/09/2019 02:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNestedIf · 09/09/2019 02:45

Cancel.

I've been in your husband's position and ex-DP did nothing, despite sleazy friend having managed to seduce one of his former partners. I didn't feel safe around sleazy friend. It also made me feel that ex-DP didn't care whether I was safe and couldn't have cared less if I ran off with sleazy friend.

The victim blaming on this thread has been utterly disgraceful, by the way. It's OP's friendship, not DH's. He has informed her there is a problem and is letting her manage what happens next. No doubt if he'd refused to go on this holiday outright he would be called "controlling".

MsDogLady · 09/09/2019 05:25

I agree with everything @SavingSpaces2019 wrote.

OP, you will be playing with fire if you go on the holiday with this woman. She has an agenda and is a threat to your family. Your DH has alerted you. Please do not underreact.

You have suspected that she fancies DH because she blatantly stares at him in the pub. Although her prolonged staring at your husband is inappropriate and disrespectful to you, you have downplayed it.

Now she has escalated her agenda with her ‘knowing’ smirk, winking and flirty remarks. She betrayed her DH by trying it on with yours, and she did want him to reciprocate. It sounds like she was hoping to set the stage for the holiday. If all of you go, she will manipulate the circumstances to her advantage.

Your DH was extremely uncomfortable with her boundary crossing and abuse of trust. Aren’t you? Why are you still calling her friend? Why are you considering proceeding with the holiday? I would not put my husband in such a position. Cancel the trip and the ‘friendship’ ASAP.

differentnameforthis · 09/09/2019 05:48

A crush is one thing, but trying to gauge his interest like this is an open invite to him.

She may be unhappy in her marriage and is trying to find some "fun" but don't let your marriage as a consequence.

Or, he could be getting his version in first. We don't know, only you will know that.

differentnameforthis · 09/09/2019 05:49

*be a consequence of that

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/09/2019 06:23

I see why you didn't act before. But now she has actually acted on it I think you would be treating yourself and your DH with disrespect to just let it go. She is not a friend you want if she's prepared to do what she has.

I'm very straight forward with these sorts of situations. If it wasn't for the children I would just cut her off and cancel the holiday. Maybe tell her why, but you don't have to I'm sure she'd work it out if you did it immediately.

If the children are young and their friendship isn't one they maintain at all by themselves I would probably just drop her. But if the children's friendships are worth some effort to preserve (and can be preserved without you socializing with her) I would call her up, tell her DH told you what happened, you don't want the DCs' friendship to suffer but you can no longer spend time with her. If she wants to take all the kids on the holiday she is welcome to or you are happy to take all the kids on the holiday without them (assuming this is true) but you won't be going with her or be spending any time socializing with her going forward. That's it. Straight forward. To the point. If she denies it say that you weren't there so you have to choose who to believe and you are choosing your DH so there's no point discussing, your decision stands. Don't get into a discussion about how you've seen her staring at him, etc. it's not the point.

I can see that it might seem drastic, but if you believe your DH then this isn't a minor thing. They didn't do anything but her intent was still there and it's this that makes her untenable as a friend. It's also a bit of a blow to your DH if you don't care that our friend made him uncomfortable. I would be very disappointed if one of my DH's friends came on to me and when I told him he didn't do much about it (and yes, I would tell him it's up to him what he did do because it's not the sort of thing I should feel responsible for).

MzHz · 09/09/2019 06:32

If her dh had made YOU feel as uncomfortable as this woman made your dh feel, what would you/your h do about it? Would you still have the holiday?

I think you wouldn’t

So cancel it now. Doesn’t really have to be too convincing an excuse, you don’t have to give a cast iron reason, but I’d do it soon.

That way there is a chance that HER dh gets an inkling that something happened at that dinner. He should know what she’s up to, and this may help him in the long run.

BirdOffTheWire · 09/09/2019 07:10

"Lynn, these are sex people!"

Love it, ashtrayheart. Upside down pineapples and pampas grass, anyone?

eddielizzard · 09/09/2019 07:14

If the kids are really close and looking forward to the holiday, then I'd go without DH. Otherwise cancel. Not worth expecting your DH to be uncomfortable for a week. She's highly inappropriate, and has fucked up the friendship.

Shoxfordian · 09/09/2019 07:18

Cancel the holiday and scale back on the friendship
She's not acting like your friend

peardrops1 · 09/09/2019 07:20

I have questions...

'Smirking and winking' - this seems like odd behaviour. Is this really how other people flirt? Have I been doing it wrong all this time? I don't even know how to picture the interaction. Is the friend also someone's creepy old uncle?
What were the flirtatious comments?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/09/2019 07:21

If the sexes in this were reversed the replies would be rather different.

SleepyKat · 09/09/2019 07:24

If she doesn’t do it infront of you go on the holiday but stick to dh like glue so she doesn’t get the opportunity. Because I’m assuming it’s all paid for, etc and why should you lose your holiday?

Then when you return cool the friendship. And tell her why.

PapayaCoconut · 09/09/2019 07:29

You need to give more detail on the "flirty comments" as this is very much a value judgement.

31RueCambon75001 · 09/09/2019 07:31

Carte blanche to bail on weekend away. Do it now so she knows u know.

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