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Original poster

Friend made my DH uncomfortable with flirting, don't know what to do.

133 replies

fortysevendogs · 08/09/2019 22:05

We were visiting my friend for dinner last night, as they have just moved into a new house. I see my friend quite often but it's been a few years since we've all been together with our DH's and DC as usually I just meet my friend with our DC.

After dinner all of the kids were playing upstairs and the 4 of us were having a drink in the kitchen. Friend's DH went off to the loo and I went upstairs to see the DC as it sounded as if it was getting a bit wild up there. Left DH in there with friend, didn't think anything of it.

Kids ended up wanting me to play hide and seek with them for a bit, came down around 10 minutes later. Dh, friend and friend's DH were all in the kitchen together and we carried on with our drinks (I only had one as I was driving home).

We left around 9ish and after we got home and put the DC to bed, DH told me that when he was alone in the kitchen with my friend she kept smirking and winking at him, and also making some flirty comments. Now I've always had a feeling she has a crush on DH as in the past when we've been together at pubs etc she always stares at him, but it felt unfair to end the friendship over a suspicion and at the end of the day there's nothing wrong with her fancying DH as long as she doesn't pull anything! I mean, we've all had crushes we wouldn't actually go near, haven't we? Except this time it sounds like she wanted DH to reciporate. DH said he tried not to acknowledge it and just kept trying to make casual conversation. Apparently she snapped out of it as soon as her DH came back into the room. He said he was extremely uncomfortable.

Now the thing is, we're supposed to be spending a week together on holiday in October. I was looking forward to it as they are great company and our DC are the best of friends but now I'm not sure for obvious reasons. DH says it's up to me what to do. I do trust DH 100% but I don't want to put him in a position where he feels uncomfortable. And also now I obviously have bad feeling towards my friend. I have no idea how to handle this.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 08/09/2019 22:45

Lynn, these are sex people!

justasking111 · 08/09/2019 22:45

This happened to my DH a couple of times. He hated it. First time was a friend of mine calling on him when she knew I was at work. Her husband had left her she then tried it on, he phoned me at work saying she was there and what should he do apart from filling her full of gin. He asked me to tell her never to do that again.

Second time was at a dinner a school mum friend of mine, he suddenly asked to go home citing illness. The mum had been trying to stick her foot in his crotch under the table.

It really is not on to hit on a friends partner, male or female it causes all sorts of upsets in a social circle.

Catsandchardonnay · 08/09/2019 22:46

I think you should say to her: haha DH is so bigheaded he thinks you fancy him. Then see what she says. I wouldn’t cancel the holiday though as PP says I like holidays too.

user1493759849 · 08/09/2019 22:46

@fortysevendogs

Oh of COURSE it's not OK, and she is NOT a friend. And FFS do not go on any holiday with her!

Ditch this nasty cow.

Your DH can see what a weirdo she is. Fuck her. Ghost her!

And as for the comments about her flirting coz she was drunk. Fuck that. I have been pissed a LOT when I have been on nights out, and guess what? I have NEVER flirted with another man! Yes, really!

ReanimatedSGB · 08/09/2019 22:47

You know both your H and your friend better than we do - which of them do you consider more likely to get up to tricks behind your back? As a PP said, it could be the case that your H tried it on with her and is getting his story in first - or it could be that he is telling the truth.
But it's likely that you will have noticed inappropriate behaviour from at least one of them in the past: maybe the friend has previously tried to hit on your boyfriends, maybe your H has form for at least sniffing around other women.

EmmiJay · 08/09/2019 22:49

Call her out on it and tell her to fix up. I'd still go on the holiday but I'd be watching her like a hawk.

Atlasta · 08/09/2019 22:50

I'd cancel and be very 'cool' with her. If she has any sense she will realise you know about her flirting. If pressed I'd tell her and her DH the reason you do not wish to go on holiday.

MsTSwift · 08/09/2019 22:51

Hmm I know a mum who is having an affair with a friends dh. The families holiday together...

BumbleBeee69 · 08/09/2019 22:51

Why didn't you DH say something at the time, why is it you that has to solve this OP ? why is it your decision whether to go on holiday or not in October ? it's a but crap your DH leaving you to resolve this issue, ALONE.

ChickenyChick · 08/09/2019 22:53

Your DH is a big boy, he should be able to handle someone flirting “at” him, and deal with it himself

Ohyesiam · 08/09/2019 22:54

Weird that he didn’t deal with it at the time

Skittlenommer · 08/09/2019 23:00

It’s just flirting, it’s fairly harmless really. Perhaps it been a while since she’s gotten any and she was feeling frisky!

eladen · 08/09/2019 23:02

She smirked at him? And that's now grounds to trash a good friendship over? And call someone a "nasty cow"?

Righty ho. Hmm

Have you considered the alternative option of just having a conversation with her like a normal person?

"Smirking" is a pretty subjective description. Bit like when certain people take "eye contact" as a declaration of everlasting love.

ElektraUnchained · 08/09/2019 23:04

@Ohyesiam and @ChickenyChick he did deal with it by acting cool with her and telling OP straight away. Its difficult to call out behaviour like this that is uncomfortable but not overt. He is allowed to feel unhappy around around her and I can see a lot of men being on edge around a woman who acted like this. He may worry that she will make a blatant pass that will be very awkward. He may even worry that she could get nasty if rejected and tell OP untruths. We have seen threads before where women have been contacted by unhinged third parties with unrequited crushes on their partners.

detectivebird · 08/09/2019 23:12

id back your dp and cancel the holiday altogether (or if you don't want the kids to miss out, make it really clear to your dp that he doesn't have to go!).

me and dp are a team and i'd hate to feel he didn't take my discomfort seriously if we were in a similar situation.

eladen · 08/09/2019 23:13

This thread is bonkers. People seem excited at the chance to pile on based on one person's subjective account of an encounter that may or may not have happened like that at all, encouraging the op to damage her friendship. Even if it did happen exactly as presented, I'm not sure even nuns would give a stuff about "smirking".

Given that controlling men make exactly this kind of bollocks up to isolate their partner from friends and support networks, I'm pretty sceptical of any man who claims to have been propositioned by most of his partner's social circle / whenever they're at a social event he wants out of.

NameChange84 · 08/09/2019 23:13

To be honest, she's not a real friend if she's doing that.

This...why would you even call this woman a friend?

You have children. Sounds like she’d have no qualms destroying your marriage and hurting you and your children if your DH was up for it.

Be thankful he isn’t and ffs get rid of her.

SpanishTiles · 08/09/2019 23:18

@ashtrayheart

Grin
cakeandchampagne · 08/09/2019 23:27

I would cancel the holiday.
And I wouldn’t consider her a “friend”.

Justreadingtheforum · 08/09/2019 23:30

@ashtrayheart

Don't rub your fanny on me.

Kelsoooo · 08/09/2019 23:36

G

Pywife2 · 08/09/2019 23:38

* '...at the end of the day there's nothing wrong with her fancying DH as long as she doesn't pull anything!*'

But she has. She's been flirting with him when you were out of the room. Is that the respect you would expect from a genuine friend? Surely it's just a question of whether you spend your valuable time explaining why you're not going to waste any more energy on her, or just get rid without explanation (she can probably work it out for herself).

underneaththeash · 08/09/2019 23:40

Is there a hot tub on your holiday......?

IdiotInDisguise · 08/09/2019 23:44

Cancel the holiday. No need to expose your husband to inappropriate behaviour.

Would you be happy if your DH insisted at having a holiday with his friend despite same friend making you feel uncomfortable?

This is when as a couple you need to stand together. What kind of friend you think she is if she does that when you are out of sight?

BanditoShipman · 08/09/2019 23:46

A different view and not saying this is the case, but years ago my friend’s boyfriend asked to go out with him one night to a quiz. She was away for a few days, knew all about it and was fine with it (I had a DP and it was one big friendship group). Night was ok but he made a pass, I said no. That night he phoned her and told her I’d come on to him! It was to ‘get his story in there first’ 🤬