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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've forgotten how to interact with other women.

205 replies

downbutnotout2018 · 08/09/2019 15:30

I've just been to DDs friends kids party. A sea of women all chatting away (I am a 41 year old female myself).

They were all in little cliques and I couldn't face trying to get into one. No one invited me in either. I had a very quick conversation with one woman and that was it, before she wandered off to speak with a group of others.

I work in a fairly male dominated environment and think I am just more familiar with interacting with men. They talk more loudly and slowly and deliberately (generalisation I know) and I can follow their topics of conversation more easily. They are not bitchy.

I ended up striking up a conversation with one of the dad's whose wife and I are organising an event with. a group of 3 mum's (who had previously ignored me completely) now looked over and gave me awful deadly looks like I was trying to chat him up or something (I genuinely had no interest whatsoever and was just trying to kill time).

AIBU in thinking I have forgotten how to interact with women or is this just a particularly carry group of women?

OP posts:
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 09/09/2019 14:46

This is so funny - over 100 bitchy comments from people who accuse the OP of being bitchy! Some women are cliquey arseholes, sometimes they are vacuous and dull as hell. That isn't misogyny. Other women are bloody brilliant.

aqua00 · 09/09/2019 14:52

The OP knew exactly what response she was trying to provoke Leigh and well you know it.

Greyhound22 · 09/09/2019 15:00

I am the same really. Have always been on the outside of the groups. Have people I have a chat with but I never get to the 'invited for coffee' stage 🤷‍♀️ it has upset me in the past. I think though as I worked full time from when DS was 7 months I never had chance. I don't really fit in tbh - and everyone else now has new babies and I can't have anymore - I think that's another reason.

Does it bother you though? I have a low tolerance for drama so sometimes I think I'm better off.

I disagree about the men though. I used to work with mainly men and they can be bloody nasty. DH gave up managing and went back to working on the shop floor as it was the same money and he said it was like running a kindergarten. These were men 50+ who were constantly sniping.

aqua00 · 09/09/2019 15:14

If anyone is in any doubt as to whether men can be bitchy, well, try employing a team of builders to renovate a house, alongside a wood floor man, an electrician and a plumber. I could have written a soap opera! These were grown men sniping behind each other’s backs (ie to me, but never to each other’s faces); spreading rumours about each other’s personal lives and, on many occasions, blanking each other for days on end. Flouncing off home over a disagreement over a plug socket. “He said this, he said that” - you name it. Once the builders even “accidentally” locked the flooring guy in the bathroom! You couldn’t make it up. I would get their life stories as soon as I set foot through the door. No doubt they were all bitching about me though, the second I turned my back. By the end of it, they were joking that I was their therapist. I was totally drained.

We’ve moved in now and there are still a few things that need doing, but I just can’t cope with engaging with them any more!

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 09/09/2019 15:15

@aqua00 I didn't take it that way at all.There are hundreds of threads on here about bitchy school gate cliques. There are a lot of women who exclude other women for various reasons (this has happened to me in fact). These people exist.

If it had been a thread about arsehole men then the responses would have been much more supportive.

BertrandRussell · 09/09/2019 15:18

“If it had been a thread about arsehole men then the responses would have been much more supportive.”
No. If the OP had not been so vile about the women she’s talking about the responses would have been much more supportive.

HarryYerAWizard · 09/09/2019 15:26

I’ve read the OP twice, I’ve read the whole thread, including people saying the women at the party were unarguably rude, and I’ve still no idea what they did wrong.

They were in groups, chatting. In that situation, the person approaches the group sitting chatting, not the other way around.

One woman spoke to the OP and then drifted off, which is perfectly normal at parties.

Next time just go around the room and say hi to everyone and see how that goes. You can’t judge people as rude for not talking to you when you didn’t talk to them either.

5weetjane · 09/09/2019 16:24

Men don't usually indulge in such games - straight men, at least.

I don't know whether to laugh uproariously at that or go and kick the wall.

CrystalShark · 09/09/2019 16:29

If you’re trying to start a bun fight with me OP I’m afraid it’s not going to work. I feel very sorry for you.

ukgift2016 · 09/09/2019 16:36

I have found men can be very bitchy as well.

I also don't trust women who say "I don't like women, I only get on with men."

Strange.

Original poster
downbutnotout2018 · 09/09/2019 16:40

Meanwhile all of these other women are enjoying socialising/their friendships while OP is left bitterly looking in from the outside

Crystalshark I think you started that all by yourself Biscuit

OP posts:
5weetjane · 09/09/2019 16:45

I clicked on this thread with a naive expectation that the OP really was exploring the fact that they'd forgotten how to interract with women in a society that completely centres men. It was just a thinly veiled exercise in woman bashing. I'm surprised MN would let some of these comments stand when they're policing what women say in other areas.

MsTSwift · 09/09/2019 16:56

Aqua me too! The builders didn’t know I was there. Their conversation consisted of
80% bitching about their builder colieagtwhi weren’t there
20% recipes
Grin

MsTSwift · 09/09/2019 16:56

*colleages who

CrystalShark · 09/09/2019 16:58

Yes, because I responded to a genuine question about something in your OP with an attack Hmm oh no, wait, that was you.

The fact that you have time to try continue goading me specifically but no time to respond to the advice and other comments you’ve been given is telling OP.

JamieFrasersArse · 09/09/2019 17:16

females - and yes, I shall use that word if I wish - are generally more bitchy. Men don't usually indulge in such games - straight men, at least

Nice bit of misogyny AND homophobia there...

dayslikethese1 · 09/09/2019 17:23

Did you try talking to any of them OP? If they were chatting in a group I think you just need to go up and introduce yourself. I agree that some groups can be unfriendly but I really don't think it's to do with them being women and I'm not liking some of the generalisations on this thread.

ManOfReason · 09/09/2019 17:49

I don't see how anyone who is a regular visitor to AIBU can honestly say that women aren't bitchy (well, at least compared to us men).

There's even a thread moaning about it right now! Grin

JamieFrasersArse · 09/09/2019 17:56

Because AIBU is a snapshot of how all women are? Hmm

HarryYerAWizard · 09/09/2019 18:02

As a man who is a regular visitor to AIBU, surely that tells you that not everyone commenting on AIBU posts are women. Yet you attribute all the ‘bitchy’ comments to women?

RhiWrites · 09/09/2019 18:04

There are some really good points from @colourlessgreenidea and @HarryYerAWizard here, which I hope OP will think about.

A group of women you don’t know and who you ostensibly don’t have much in common with can be alarming. But I think OP is assuming far too much, including ill intent.

Women are people, like mumsnetters, many of whom may be SAHPs or like to dress up. Those characteristics don’t mean they’re a group of Stepford wives. I think instead of only approaching men or taking a book you should be a bit braver, OP.

The80sweregreat · 09/09/2019 18:16

I totally get where your coming from.
When I met my dh he was desperate for me to like his friends girlfriends and wives and I just didn't fit in : they knew each other since they were born or from primary school and every girlfriend my dh had felt the same about them ; they made it hard for anyone to get on with them and had their own little jokes and memories which made talking to them really hard.
I have women I'm friends with ( and have been for years) who are not the same as these people were / some groups of people are just hard work and seem to not like anyone they think of as an ' outsider'.
Don't let it bother you too much!

HauntedPinecone · 09/09/2019 18:20

I'm surprised MN would let some of these comments stand when they're policing what women say in other areas

We are only policed if we are saying things about men. Misogyny has always been allowed to stand.

ManOfReason · 09/09/2019 18:38

We are only policed if we are saying things about men. Misogyny has always been allowed to stand.

Um...have you ever been on FWR?

ManOfReason · 09/09/2019 18:39

As a man who is a regular visitor to AIBU, surely that tells you that not everyone commenting on AIBU posts are women. Yet you attribute all the ‘bitchy’ comments to women?

I was partly joking.

But I do challenge you to find me a MIL thread started by a male poster. Or even a FIL one.

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