To think I've forgotten how to interact with other women.

[downbutnotout2018]

I've just been to DDs friends kids party. A sea of women all chatting away (I am a 41 year old female myself).

They were all in little cliques and I couldn't face trying to get into one. No one invited me in either. I had a very quick conversation with one woman and that was it, before she wandered off to speak with a group of others.

I work in a fairly male dominated environment and think I am just more familiar with interacting with men. They talk more loudly and slowly and deliberately (generalisation I know) and I can follow their topics of conversation more easily. They are not bitchy.

I ended up striking up a conversation with one of the dad's whose wife and I are organising an event with. a group of 3 mum's (who had previously ignored me completely) now looked over and gave me awful deadly looks like I was trying to chat him up or something (I genuinely had no interest whatsoever and was just trying to kill time).

AIBU in thinking I have forgotten how to interact with women or is this just a particularly carry group of women?

Well I tried to smile at the women. They just looked away. It felt like they had a forcefield as round them. Perhaps I am just not liking the demographic at the school. It very white middle displaying virtue class. Perhaps it's a class rather than gender thing.

“Bertrand I don't despise them”

So why did you talk about them living off their husband’s money while you are a “professional”?

Dolly I'm a feminist not a mysogonist. I just lack the ability to get to grips with many female groups and have been left out of the m repeatedly.

I understand OP - I've always gotten on better with men than women.

Maybe it's because I hate small talk, which I think you get less of with most men

@underthebridgedowntown - so what do men talk about then that is so much less trivial than what the laydeez discuss? When I chat to the local dads they bore on about their Iron Man and cycle pelotons and new cars. Different trivia and usually focused on self and status whereas the women's trivia tends to endlessly loop on schools and childrearing. Since I'm more interested in education and psychology than cars and bikes I prefer chatting to the women.

I'm genuinely intrigued what deep subjects you find men will talk about that women won't.

Bertrand I wasn't being pejorative. Just saying they have more time to make friends and have coffee in the week

I should add, I've always had a similar thing, where I've never really understood a lot of normal "girl talk". I can't relay explain what I mean, but for example, I've never been into the whole girls-getting-ready-together thing. I was never really into that even as a teen. Just didn't feel like I never really understood it. Same with boy talk, and stuff like that. I've also never had a really tight group of girl mates who I would go I holiday with etc.

I really like women, as I as I've got older I like them more and more. But I'll never be fully able to fit in with the typical girly chats and men, emotions, make up, whatever.

But, I'm totally fine with it! Just don't think it's for me, but have loads of mates of both sexes. And can happily converse with women about other stuff. I can understand how intimidating it can be though!

The fact some people are already quick to respond in the way they have on here kind of makes my point though.

It’s fine OP, you can really spare yourself the effort. I think I speak for many women when I say we’re not really interested in making conversation with a generalising sexist who refers to other women as a different ‘breed’.

downbutnotout I totally understand- I have ASD and just naturally get on better with men- however research suggests that women on the spectrum have very similar brain connections to men. Usually there is a difference between the female brain and the Male brain- if you are on the spectrum then your brain is neurologically different from that of neurotypical women - or similar to men.

There are so many different social nuances in how women communicate. It became very clear just before reaching my teens that I didn’t have the inbuilt knowledge of the subtle social nuances that other girls my age did. My daughter is going through exactly the same right now.

I have found that my female friends tend to be other women on the spectrum.

Have you ever looked into the presentation of Autism in women? Many autistic women hold professional roles- teachers, doctors, nurses etc,

They talk more loudly and slowly and deliberately (generalisation I know) and I can follow their topics of conversation more easily.

Do you have hearing problems or difficulty with comprehension in spoken conversations?

Constant smiles plastered on
Not very authentic
Clique
Bitchy
Dolled up
Relying on husband’s money
Superficial
Displaying virtue
Different breed
Different tribe.

Are you sure you don’t despise them?

PeppermintSoda
I worked in a male dominated office and some of the men were very bitchy. Are you under the impression that women are bitchy except for you?
....
Well said Peppermint. I've come across men who are gossipy and 'bitchy' (it has to be said, usually from the less educated contingent, all with large chips).

Downbutnotout, did you have to stay at the party? It sounds as though there were enough adults there to supervise the children. I would have felt shy in a group of people whom I did not know. I can't imagine I would have gone off chatting to one of the men though :-). The scene doesn't sound at all like a kid's party.

Do not worry about it, just don't get yourself in that position again. I'm sure you have friends and colleagues who are women and with whom you talk well enough. Different scenes suit different people, mixing with a load of other mums is not yours! It wasn't mine either, really, I like going to work and obviously there were plenty of parents at work but we had things to talk about other than superficial chit chat.

It makes me really sad when women swallow the stereotypes about women and then think they can't possibly have anything in common with other women because they themselves don't fit the stereotypes

I think it’s tribal, OP, and these women are just the wrong tribe for you.
I felt exactly like you on the thankfully rare occasions I attended mother/baby or playgroups. They all seemed to be housewives who already knew each other, and their conversation was limited to the contents of nappies, feeding regimes, tv soap operas, and which of their friends had fallen out with each other.
I had no problem chatting away in the coffee room at work to fellow professionals, whether men or women, where the topics were work related or politics and current affairs.
I wouldn’t worry about it. It really doesn’t matter, as long as you have friends or colleagues with whom you CAN chat! It would be a dull world if we all had the same interests. I’d just leave these women to get on with their own conversations in peace.

Some women are just bitchy and unfriendly.

New school, soon ignored once they realised I was from some where not the south, didn't work , didn't have a career in the past but I had a brilliant job which was valued and paid well, didn't wear make up or fancy clothes and had never been skiing.

They all had oodles of money and thought I was the poor relation. Chances are I had more in the bank than they did but what does it matter. As long as my kids are fed and have shows that fit I couldn't care less but for them, money was everything.

Shoes

I get what you mean but you are judging all of these moms by their appearance. Some of them will genuinely be judging you for not wearing makeup or not dressing up enough. But some of them won't care and will be happy to be friendly - so long as you don't judge them. It's okay for anyone to wear lots of makeup or none at all. It doesn't change who they are on the inside. When you've spoken to each of these women and all of them blank you, then you can come back and tell us that they all don't like you. x

I completely agree with you OP. Some women are cliquey and are not approachable.
I went out with my boyfriend on Friday for drinks which then turned into a night out with a social group of his.
When the women were arriving and saying hello to DP they didn’t even look at me. And I mean I was literally sitting next to him in this bar at a table when they came over.
I pushed myself to say hello to a few of them but stopped bothering in the end. They add nothing but misery and worry to my life and without a doubt talk about me.
The men however, all said hello and were asking me how I was, engaging in conversation.
Women in cliques are cruel AF.
You don’t need these people, they’re irrelevant to your life and honestly being friends with these types of women just adds stress.

Those women are not worth worrying about OP. Anyone who says any different could possibly be in one of these snobby snidey parent cliques at their kids school.

It’s unfair to lump all women together as this twittering group of air heads who can’t hold a sensible conversation about anything other than shitty nappies and eyebrows. We’re all different... you’ve obviously had bad luck in coming across an unfriendly group. Next time I’d dump and run if I were you.

Pinkblueberry very mean words, which kind of makes my point.

Wrong group of women for you OP. That's all. Tribal is an excellent description. I'd still have tried to join in and taken a knock back, as long as you know you tried that's all you can do. But to be fair a nice bunch of people would make sure everyone is included anyway.

I do understand exactly what you mean but for me it's because I live and breathe my work - I have forgotten how to have conversations that doesn't relate to it. I'm not being mean to anyone but I genuinely have no interest in chit chat. I try very hard to look as though I do but I can find myself glazing over.

Sometimes it’s cliquey and it’s hard to break through, but more often than not people are willing to chat

I think this is the wrong way round. Usually it's cliquey but sometimes people are willing to chat.