AIBU to think some people become even more flaky and selfish after they have kids?

[Hey1256]

Ok so here’s the story, I’ve now lost a few friends over the years because prior to their pregnancies the friendship was mainly one way to start with. I would always instigate meet ups, I would always be the one to travel to see them because a half hour journey to most of my friends seems to be the other side of the world.

After their babies arrived I don’t hear from them, they cancel meets and NEVER want to travel anywhere.

Now, please don’t misunderstand what I’m trying to say - I totally get that when you have a child it is the priority and things become more difficult. But does it really mean you don’t care about anyone else enough to see how their life is going or want to see them, ever?

Fast forward a few years and quite a few of my other friends are having babies. One has been amazing, so good despite having the baby she has been making what effort she can which proves that you can still remember friends post baby.

The others I have not heard from them since they fell pregnant. If I don’t reach out to them and ask how they are it doesn’t happen.

Why is it that when some people have kids they start thinking people without kids lives are irrelevant? Not worthy of asking how they are? I know these friends keep in contact with their other pregnant friends. They haven’t wanted to initiate meet ups.

Anyway, it’s made me really upset. Do I just have shit friends? Why don’t people value social relationships anymore particularly once they have a child?

I’ve really had enough. Is it time to make new friends?

I'm part of a close group of six women who have known each other since uni (early/mid thirties now). Three of us are childfree by choice, the remaining three have kids. No issue at all. However there used to be seven of us - the seventh had kids fairly early and completely disappeared, because she was SO busy and had 'found new meaning'. She got very annoyed if she didn't get included and invited to everything though, but she never showed up. Ok, fine.

Then a few years in, one of my friend's husband fell unexpectedly ill and passed away after a few months of awful decline. I reached out to the MIA friend and told her that we all needed to support our friend. But no, she was too busy to attend the funeral and wouldn't even call or send a card. Only a half-hearted Whatsapp message.

Fast forward a few years, her toddler years are over, and she's announced her grand return to the group. She's not welcome, and she was very upset and thought we were unreasonable when we told her why...

They probably do leave their kids with trusted grandparents.

But for time with their partner alone. Or occasions like weddings etc.

Coffee with a friend isn't important enough to get a babysitter.

Also - if I'm working, and only getting weekends home with DH and DC. I'm not going to trade much of that short time for coffee with someone I'm not that close with.

What did you do today? What were you up to this week?

I woke up at 12 because I was up all night, baby was teething and I could hardly sleep and when he woke me up at 4am to play he absolutely ruined me and at 7 am I gave him breakfast and then begged his dad to take him so I can sleep.. so slept till 12.

When I woke up they were back and spent the next hour breastfeeding and comfort feeding and then made him lunch which I spent another hour feeding to him.

Afterward I started packing my hospital bag as I’m pregnant and delivering soon and then I realized I have so much laundry to get done and that was the next two hours.

Then baby was pulling at me asking me for food so I made dinner and here I am feeding him.. while contemplating the amount of work I intended to do and didn’t.

I already feel so boring writing it.

What did you do all week? Can’t remember anything significant because most of it was repetitive small boring tasks that take forever.

My biggest achievement was managing to sleep through two nights this week without being disturbed more than thrice.

I already feel sooo boring and negative typing this. But that’s the honest truth. That’s how my week went.. I feel like a shit friend having to say this to my friend and sound like a Moaner.. I feel like a failure compared to her exciting stories about how she travelled abroad and came back and had s promotion..

I’m happy for her and feel fulfilled. But while I can relate to what she is saying because I used to do things like that, she can’t relate to what I’m saying and I remember her once famously saying :

“You used to be a totally different person, what happened to you? You were always motivated with new ideas”.

Errrt thanks. I know that. Just changed my perspective but I don’t know how to explain that I’m ok with that and don’t want to be looked at as if I’m wasting my life ?

A mum friend:

How did today go?

Ahh, bad night. Teething. But husband took son out And I managed to sleep a bit and I’m finally packing my hospital bag!

Friend: oh that’s exciting ! What’s in ur hospital bag? How many teeth does your toddler have ? How’s he eating his veggies now?

Me: ohhh I didn’t tell u he ate his broccoli!! I managed to boil it in stock and he liked it! I also managed to figure out how to get him to have his beans!

(Me feeling fab after an exhausting day )

Friend: oh yeh my daughter likes it when I hide it in pasta!

Me: ohh I’ll try that!!! Thanks!!

(Me feeling motivated and having a challemge to meet in my small boring world).

Look OP you still have a lot in common with this lady. But your dreams and aspirations are a bit different and lifestyle too. You need to go back to first principles and find ways to connect which doesn’t make her feel extremely boring and drained.

@skittlenommer absolutely agree, and baffled by people who have more than one :) DD is starting to get easier now, and we are starting to get the headspace/energy to try and have a social life but realistically it's infrequent and we probably see each friend twice a year as we just don't have more time.

I don't think the OP gets it at all. And I didn't either, until I'd lived it.

Weekends are for catching up with housework, seeing your child as they are in nursery all week, until an hour or two before bed time and week days, we'll you'd rather see your child for that one hour than a friend who hopefully understands that your child does come first.

Like I said before, be that friend who offers to look after the child perhaps and show an interest in their child and when when rested they may be more inclined to make the effort. Just a thought

I'll always remember my sister sitting down to chat on the phone to her friend giving her full undivided attention even to the point of turning her kids away when they went to interrupt her. I lived the other side of the country....and was visiting... Whenever I rang up, I NEVER had that full undivided attention...her kids came first even for stupid things like can they have an ice lolly....even when I was tearful the other side of the country...

Whenever I rang up, I NEVER had that full undivided attention...her kids came first even for stupid things like can they have an ice lolly....even when I was tearful the other side of the country...

Because you're family and she thought you'd understand?

What that friends come before and are more important than sisters?!

Feck off

They are not flaky or selfish. They just have different priorities. And you are now low in the list. Tbh you sound like hard work and judgemental.

I think the fact it's happened multiple times to you maybe says more about you than it does them.

I've plenty of childless friends who I talk to daily and see regularly.

And a few who I've seen maybe once since have DC as they genuinely didn't get it and made life harder than it needed to be at an already difficult time.

I agree with MaryPoppins. I will leave my kids with their grandparents occasionally, (I don't ask all the time as I don't want to push my luck) maybe once a month if that..but I'd prefer to use that time for me and my husband to have time just for the two of us as that's more important than meeting a mate.
Friendships come way down the pecking order for me, as horrible as that sounds but I have to prioritise the most important things first.

I haven't RTFT but I am kinda surprised because for me it's been completely the opposite. As soon as we told our friends I was pregnant, they mostly disappeared! I have a very few close friends who all incidentally live in different cities that actually have continued to keep up relationships with us. Then there are 2 friends locally who we (DH and I) def have continued to make more of the effort with them than them with us - they are part of a 'circle' of friends that we were part of - everyone else in that 'group' has basically ghosted us ever since. And they continue their social gatherings etc and DH and I used to be invited and literally have never been invited to a single one since I told them I was pregnant! I understand not everyone likes babies etc so I don't even expect people who I thought were my friends to necessarily even want to come and visit a newborn or anything - but a message/text to see how DH and I were managing would have been nice.

You end up with different friends as life changes. Perhaps a handful that you keep throughout everything.
Most (nearly all) of my friends have changed since I had children. I still have a few who are the "lifers" but life changes and even if you make effort many people's priorities, finances etc change. I love to see my friends, but usually arrange it for a week day eve as I like to spend the weekend with my DH and kids.

Most people are selfish @OP eventually you will find the few who are not... it's taken me a while but they are out there xxx

You don't have any idea what being a parent is like until you do it, it's just one of those things. Nobody does, it's not a weakness particular to you.

That being said, they don't sound like they were very good friends or worthy of your time anyway. People who poor at friendship pre kids don't become any better once the pressures of childraising kick in. It is possible in most circumstances as a parent to be less useless than they are, so if they're not then that may tell you something.

Friendships come way down the pecking order for me, as horrible as that sounds but I have to prioritise the most important things first.

This is probably how my friends feel.

Im not going to waste my time on people that feel this way.

I honestly think my friends are as important as family just in a different way.

The competitive tiredness that parents on mumsnet seem to have with people who aren’t parents is completely laughable 😂😂 It’s not even worth entering into a discussion with these people are they’re obviously completely self obsessed. Maybe you’re more tired than how you were before you were a parent but that doesn’t mean that you’re more tired than someone who doesn’t have a child... 🙄

Hey I wouldn’t put it as pp put it. Friendship doesn’t come down as the pecking order out of choice.

“Me” and “myself” come down the pecking order without a choice. I resent it but needs must at times. It’s partly why many of us mums suffering mentally. And part of “me and myself” comes my desire to stay in touch with people I care about and things I find stimulating and exciting and usually are what sparks my conversations.

It’s not you OP. Believe me.

But it might be worth working through this from the other side so you can find the barrier between childfree life and motherhood as it could help you cope better when you become a mother.

Also if people want to still be your friend after they have kids, they will be and it’s as simple as that. I know people who have maintained multiple friendships after having children. Some have had ‘easy’ children and lives and some haven’t. At the end of the day unless you’re having a uniquely difficult time you would make the time and that’s all there is to it.

Had a work wife who I was close friends with all through her pregnancy. She gave birth and just completely dropped me. A couple of false pretence texts about meeting up (that I instigated) but always found an excuse last minute (normally always baby related). I got tired of always making the effort and stopped bothering - she never once messaged me off her own back and I haven't spoken to her since

coldlighthappier

On average you are wrong. Mums of young ones are definitely more tired. Emotionally and physically and mentally.

Unless you are working as a carer of an elderly parent who requires your full attention and relies on you only and wakes you up at night and any neglect from you can have detrimental effect on them... then you are probably equally tired.

With a baby it can genuinely be hard especially if breastfeeding, so give people a chance at that stage. I only turned down a couple of things due to this but I tried hard to let people know that I was genuinely sorry to have to do so.

JealousOrFair

There’s just no discussion with people who have this view 🤷🏼‍♀️ There are plenty of other things which could make you have just as little sleep and be just as tired as a mum of a young child

And I have spoken to numerous ‘mum friends’ who agree with me. They all have different kinds of lives too and like I said, some have easier children to deal with

I felt desperately sick and ill for the first 3 months it was all I could do to work then got severe spd couldn’t walk without crutches. Then emergency c section folllowed by life with a non sleeper for 9 months. Proper no sleep. I wasn’t safe to drive. It nearly broke me. I didn’t have much left for friends. I just wanted to connect with women close by geographically going through the same thing. Personally something triggers in your brain that makes you focus on the baby. You don’t get it until you experience it.
Am abit older now and honestly the odd old friend aside you need friends in the same boat. You need gregarious child free friends these women are too distracted to meet your needs.